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njb

Admin please call as desperate

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Hi, 

can’t get through on call but need a chat asap please use number on file 

Edited by njb

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Hi njb,

I’m sure Ashley will be in touch at some point when he can but as it’s the weekend I know he does a lot of cycling and may not be contactable...is there anything I can help with via a PM or here on the forum?

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Hey.

googled naked wives to prove I’m not a paedo but saw someone looking 18 and had to test self. Led to a rabbit hole and I’m staggered but seen a whole series of pics which look like children. I googled one person and they were a victim of child porn aged about 10 or 12. There are some pics which are pornographic and whilst I can see her as a kid I feel utter repulsion but a few of the pics I can’t see a child easily and think for a moment I see an appropriate person and think it may be sexy. Then I can see the person as young and connect with reality.

my ocd has peaked and I’m utterly ready to end it all. I can’t sleep or function. I’m so utterly scared. I know I’m not like that but how do I move on if I can see some pics as normal, caveat that I can stare for hours and then see young and back again.

im lost Hal and I feel like suicide only way

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30 minutes ago, njb said:

im lost Hal and I feel like suicide only way

I promise I’ll reply more fully in about half an hour (the oven timer’s about to go for dinner) but you must remember one thing - this is so important njb...in this moment you’re feeling lost and very scared but these feelings will pass....you won’t be stuck feeling like this, I promise you.

We’re all here for you and I will as I say talk more a bit later, but if you feel you might do something, will you contact the Samaritans for me? Do you have family or friends with you at the moment?

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I’m with wife. Hal, I just can’t get past that I saw some of the pics of oral sex and fleeting didn’t look like child but then I could see same person as other pics where clearly was. When I could see child straight away I was revulsed and nearly sick but felt fleeting arousal when saw same person but looking appropriate age for a second on the ones where age was not clear but I could see eventually it was the child from other pics and it disgusted me but then I could see arousal and then not and then again then not. 

you think a non ocd sufferer would just shrug and say yuk I didn’t realise that was also a child and move on?

i can’t believe I’m typing this about actual child pics. I am disgusted. Google images under naked wives led to that. I’m retching as I type

Edited by njb

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2 hours ago, njb said:

I know I’m not like that but how do I move on if I can see some pics as normal, 

Exactly, you know but you also have OCD...THE arch deceiver. By testing whether you’re repulsed or aroused while feeling intense anxiety (don’t overlook how much that messes with us physically) and now  ruminating about what you think you felt and saw, it’s not surprising you’re feeling so overwhelmed, more confused and anxious.

I know how hard this is njb,  but the only way to move on from this is to leave all these OCD generated questions alone...refuse point blank to engage with them or get into a debate with them and really work on focusing on something else this evening.

A good analogy for ruminating is being caught in quicksand...you can panic and go the OCD way by struggling to free yourself by going over this and sink deeper into the doubts and anxiety. Or let the thoughts and doubts be there, decide for the next hour not to pay any attention to them, then the following hour and so on and gradually the anxiety’s going to loosen its grip and you’ll be out of the quicksand.

I know this tough going and I’m sure if you’d like to have a chat with Ashley he’ll be around in the office on Monday, but we’re also here for you too on the forum.

Take it steady and remember you’re stronger than the doubts and anxiety.

 

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Hi mate.

thanks for the reply. I’ve been at a get together and holding it together just about.   I’m all over the place though and can’t see how to cope now I’ve seen what I absolutely fear. It’s like I’ve come face to face with it and not won if that makes any sense, albeit I know how I really feel but at same time am shocked that I can see some as I fear. Then again some of the pics look older but I know they’re not on comparison but then I can then see them as younger and don’t like it. I can’t live if I actually even glimmered anything like fleeting attraction even if average person may not see full picture ie young until looking.

im so sick to the pit of stomach. Just don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

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I’ve reported the pics but for a while kept testing so feel awful about that’s also. How’d this stuff become so easy to trip over on google I don’t know.

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Can’t anyone reply ? I’m seriously and totally consumed and need someone to speak with. Please someone reply as I’m totally lost.

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12 hours ago, njb said:

How’d this stuff become so easy to trip over on google I don’t know.

 

12 hours ago, njb said:

I’m all over the place though and can’t see how to cope now I’ve seen what I absolutely fear.

 

Because you went looking for it!     Not the specific images as such, but you went looking for reassurance and when it comes to OCD if you look for anything (i.e. dog mess), in the hope of not finding it, you will find it!  All OCD does when it comes to testing for reassurance is set more doubts, uncertainty and triggers.

 

2 hours ago, njb said:

Can’t anyone reply ? I’m seriously and totally consumed and need someone to speak with. Please someone reply as I’m totally lost.

I am sure people will reply when they are on later or over the next few days and feel they have something they can say to help. It's a difficult subject and not everybody feels comfortable to respond. In all honestly this is very much a conversation that needs to be had with a trained therapist to help you see the wood for the trees.

 

If I am honest, maybe it's just me, but I am struggling to understand some of your posts, of course I understand OCD itself is clouding your clarity too and it may be that which is coming out in the posts.  It may be this is another reason other users are struggling to respond (plus it's the weekend and people are perhaps out and about). I am sure more replies will come over next few days.

But one thing I am not actually clear from your posts what you were googling beyond the initial search for naked wives?  When you say you google a victim of child porn what do you mean by that?

18 hours ago, njb said:

googled naked wives to prove I’m not a paedo but saw someone looking 18 and had to test self. Led to a rabbit hole and I’m staggered but seen a whole series of pics which look like children. I googled one person and they were a victim of child porn aged about 10 or 12. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Ashley.

thanks for reply and I tried in vain to get through yesterday and lines were busy and so hence the post.

in terms of the googling beyond the naked wives I googled the name of the person which was associated with the images I didn’t want to see as it was underneath the pictures and  googled that name under ‘all’ without images to see if I could tell how old the person depicted was or whether they were hopefully an adult etc to reassure self and then saw links which referenced person was a known victim of child porn which I reacted to so badly I’ve felt suicidal since. 
 

I really would appreciate being able to speak to someone as ocd Uk but worried the lines will be engaged again tomorrow. Is there any way of being able to access ocd therapist without queuing ? That would really help I’m sure.

finally I do know my posts appear random and it reflects how bad am I unfortunately

Edited by njb

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How many times have you gone back and rechecked those images or done more Googling?

Because your mind is all wrapped up in this nonsense, you can't see that you brought this on yourself. You know this is a theme of yours but you went ahead and set things up for a massive trigger event.

You went looking for porn. You decided to Google someone, a compulsion. You could have left it alone.

Don't expose yourself to potential triggers unless you are ready and able to handle the consequences. That's just asking for it.

The best thing you can do is stay away from the computer. No porn,  no Googling. Leave it alone. Get yourself involved in something else.

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njb, sorry to hear you're going through it ... maybe you've calmed down now. Your reaction, and overwrought response (not to mention that dead giveaway, and most insidious of compulsions, 'testing') are clearly OCD. Treat accordingly.  

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9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

How many times have you gone back and rechecked those images or done more Googling?

Because your mind is all wrapped up in this nonsense, you can't see that you brought this on yourself. You know this is a theme of yours but you went ahead and set things up for a massive trigger event.

You went looking for porn. You decided to Google someone, a compulsion. You could have left it alone.

Don't expose yourself to potential triggers unless you are ready and able to handle the consequences. That's just asking for it.

The best thing you can do is stay away from the computer. No porn,  no Googling. Leave it alone. Get yourself involved in something else.

Thanks PolarBear. I can only offer that I’m still struggling with compulsions. I’ve hit rock bottom coming across illegal images for which I reported but having been triggered massively by my mixed reactions ie seeing as normal and then not and then back and forth I’m just so convinced and utterly low. I’m lucky enough to have a close friend who is a consultant psychiatrist so I spent the afternoon with her, which in all these years is only the second time so shows the seriousness at this time.

I have not come across anything as obviously illegal as the series of images I’ve seen before. Never. That I could see some as arousing at all (I am sure where could not see age obviously) is absolute proof of my ocd fear being true. I’m trying to cope with making sense of that and applying common sense but it is really killing me. 

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1 hour ago, paradoxer said:

njb, sorry to hear you're going through it ... maybe you've calmed down now. Your reaction, and overwrought response (not to mention that dead giveaway, and most insidious of compulsions, 'testing') are clearly OCD. Treat accordingly.  

Thanks paradoxer. I’ve kind of placed all my update in the reply to PolarBear.

Ive never seen images that clearly illegal and that some I thought were normal and got a normal response until I put two and two together (I think those were where the age was difficult to work out as mainly face) has me so very sunk.

struggling to get out of bed let alone engage my kids. I feel like a disgusting father for even thinking sexy thoughts as if I should be able to see the pics immediately. I can still picture all of them round and round and can’t shift the anxiety and nausea.

i was doing fine on thus and now have plummeted to worst low. Not sure I can get back if I’m honest.

what I do hope is that any person would react same at glance of some of the pics and that having been utterly in the ocd zone my brain was already wired for disaster and hitting the mothership was just too much.

I can’t stress enough I reported the discovery 3 times via internet watch foundation but also that I’m recovering from back surgery, was told that the super strong antibiotics would interact with Sertraline and also started pregabalin for nerve pain. This is a red herring as I felt fine till saw pics, albeit I fell down that rabbit hole by seeing 18 plus and following that as already then triggered by 1 hour of testing.

sorry for the garble and I hope you are well as I do everyone.

 

 

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8 hours ago, njb said:

I can’t stress enough I reported the discovery 3 times via internet watch foundation

Once was enough.... I suspect this in itself is a compulsion (well the second and third time).  Could it be that they find nothing wrong with the images, and much of this is OCD making more out of the problem than is actual reality?  Equally the images may be dodgy, but you have reported now and your job is done. No more checking for them, no more reporting, both of which would be compulsions. 

From an OCD perspective seeing the images, feeling arousal means nothing. Do I feel attracted to young girls when they are dressed up ready for a night out? Of course I do. Would I still feel the same if they were aged 14,15,16,17,  possibly and probably still yes.  I might even feel some arousal in a brief moment, but that doesn't mean I am a paedophile it just means I briefly liked a pretty girl.    

Would I feel arousal if I absolutely knew they were under age?  If I was deliberately trying not to be aroused, then I almost certainly would, yes. It's what OCD does, it's what our mind and body can do sometimes (against our will),  that doesn't mean I am a paedophile either.   For example, how is your left foot right now, think of your left foot, just your left foot.. feel a little tingly sensation in your left foot? I do as I write that line. It's my mind focussing on a part of my body.  Same applies here, by trying not to feel arousal, most people will feel something. That is OCD, it's nothing more. 

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Hi Ashley. Thanks for the reply and advice.

I agree that a primed ocd obsessed mind will see what it fears. In every way it can find. Great example you provide but it’s applying it to some pics of someone much younger than that and hence the extreme anxiety. Same theory though I guess.

I’ve worked through it with my friend who is a psychiatrist and have focused on helpful behaviours.

thanks again and hope you are well. Looking to book 16/11 and so it would be an honour to meet you, the team and put some faces to forum friends.

njb

 

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