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Do not know if this is OCD anymore


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Hello everyone,

First of all I want to apologise for my bad English (it's not my native language). Also, I would like to thank you for taking time to read this and for any advice and reply. 
Now I would like to talk to you about my (possible) OCD. I believe I've been living with POCD for a year and a half. My symptoms seem to match the ones described on OCD forums.
However, there are certain things that make me believe it's more than OCD. For example, I never had physical anxiety, and if I did it was probably very mild. However, I do worry about my theme almost every day. (As I'm typing this I feel calm, maybe a little anxious, and I don't like this...)
For the past weeks I've been having really strong urges, which I believe are not a representation of OCD but the real thing. Also, it seems that they can last for a very long time (which worries me even more), even for an entire day. 
Another thing is it seems that I'm actually distressed because I can't act on these thoughts (I'm not sure if this is what I really feel and hope it's actually distress caused by thoughts). 
I've been thinking about these thoughts every day for the past 6 months, and sometimes it feels like I do not want to get rid of them, and I do enjoy living with them. Also, I can't recognise my own thoughts, and don't know what is real and what is not.

To be honest, everything I've written doesn't fit in the OCD category, but in the real one. 
I would like to know your opinions, and I apologise for any discomfort or trigger caused.

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Without giving you too kick reassurance this is part of OCD as I used to be incredibly affected by the  thoughts untill they happened so often I knew they were coming so I could just accept my mind was making those thoughts try to react as little as possible to them the more you react eg saying in your brain there not true I'm not going to do that over and over will just make them worse can come back more often. I know its hard but this has really worked for me and I rarely get them now and when I do I receive little to no anxiety. Hope this helps 

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3 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your replies!

Well, if I enjoy living with these thoughts, it means I am these thoughts... and I don't want to be. It means it's not OCD and it's all real...

Does it really? One thing I’ve been learning in therapy is that thoughts are not as meaningful as those of us with OCD think they are. We all have random thoughts, even bad thoughts that we enjoy but would never act out on. I personally suffer from harm OCD more than anything but in the past I’ve been angry and had thoughts about hurting someone and also I’ve been sad and had thoughts about hurting myself. In both instances I enjoyed the thought in the moment, but never acted on any of these and never will, so does that really make me a violent and bad person just because I thought about something bad and enjoyed it?

Maybe the thoughts you are having go against your values, but they are just thoughts and do not represent who you are as a person.

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4 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your replies!

Well, if I enjoy living with these thoughts, it means I am these thoughts... and I don't want to be. It means it's not OCD and it's all real...

Sounds exactly like what ocd will do but go and see a specialist, get a diagnosis to understand what you are dealing with. Ocd can and will have you believe whatever you fear, visually, thoughts, physically, spiritually. 
 

The doubt and questioning and wondering whether it’s real you, if you like it, if you don’t, lack of anxiety or not sounds like anxiety so I’m not surprised you see similarities. Get some professional referral and then you can begin the process of understanding. It helps as a major first step.

take care.
 

Edited by njb
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Thank you for your replies :)

I saw a specialist and he said it is OCD but it is very hard for me to believe, as everything I am thinking and feeling (especially feeling!) are rather signs of something more and worse than OCD. 

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your replies :)

I saw a specialist and he said it is OCD but it is very hard for me to believe, as everything I am thinking and feeling (especially feeling!) are rather signs of something more and worse than OCD. 

A lot of people with OCD feel this way. If you read other posts, you'll see this over and over again. OCD is all about doubt and to all of us, our fears feel very real, sometimes they even manifest in physical ways, yet that doesn't make the disorder any less real. 

Are you getting therapy or any support right now?

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Yes, I understand that a lot of people with OCD feel this way.
However, what I'm feeling right now is something I can't even describe. It's something bad. I think. I don't know if I like what I feel and what I think or if I don't. The worst part is that I think that in order to prove that I am not what I fear I need to go out and do things, which is terrible and makes no sense. And I can't stop thinking about this.
I have a brother who is  7 years old , and I feel like I could hurt him any time. For example, last night I think I had an urge to do something when he was sleeping. Things like this have been going on for the past 2 weeks. I don't think this is OCD. I used to have thoughts regarding my dad before this but I was able to get rid of them. I would avoid thinking about them, but with these thoughts it's like in order to be happy I need to think about them...

I'm not getting therapy now, but I've seen a specialist 4 times and he said in order to do CBT I need to learn to believe this is OCD. So, only when I'm confident that this is OCD I can start CBT. 

Thank you for reading this. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

However, what I'm feeling right now is something I can't even describe. It's something bad. I think. I don't know if I like what I feel and what I think or if I don't.

This sounds like what you're feeling is doubt. Doubt is a horrible feeling and it makes you want to gain certainty. Doubt is also incredibly common in OCD sufferers. Sufferers commonly don't know what they think or feel sometimes, that's the result of compulsions. 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

The worst part is that I think that in order to prove that I am not what I fear I need to go out and do things, which is terrible and makes no sense.

This is because of the doubt. What you are describing is a checking compulsion. You want to make sure that you aren't what you fear. Like all compulsions though it won't work and will only increase doubt. 

 

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm not getting therapy now, but I've seen a specialist 4 times and he said in order to do CBT I need to learn to believe this is OCD. So, only when I'm confident that this is OCD I can start CBT. 

I have to say I disagree completely with your specialist. Believing it is OCD comes from applying therapy, if you could believe it before therapy, why would you even need therapy? Can you try to see another therapist? 

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5 hours ago, Cora said:

Yes, I understand that a lot of people with OCD feel this way.
However, what I'm feeling right now is something I can't even describe. It's something bad. I think. I don't know if I like what I feel and what I think or if I don't. The worst part is that I think that in order to prove that I am not what I fear I need to go out and do things, which is terrible and makes no sense. And I can't stop thinking about this.
I have a brother who is  7 years old , and I feel like I could hurt him any time. For example, last night I think I had an urge to do something when he was sleeping. Things like this have been going on for the past 2 weeks. I don't think this is OCD. I used to have thoughts regarding my dad before this but I was able to get rid of them. I would avoid thinking about them, but with these thoughts it's like in order to be happy I need to think about them...

I'm not getting therapy now, but I've seen a specialist 4 times and he said in order to do CBT I need to learn to believe this is OCD. So, only when I'm confident that this is OCD I can start CBT. 

Thank you for reading this. 

I have a similar issue to yours, with urges to harm so I completely sympathise with how awful this is. I think that pushing away the thoughts or avoiding them is a bad coping strategy because, in the end, the more you push them away, the more they will come. So this may have worked for you in the past but your strategy wasn't a good one and it has backfired because now you can't avoid them. That doesn't make it any less OCD, in fact this is quite typical of OCD.

I agree with Gemma that it's the therapists job to help you understand how this is OCD, rather than waiting for you to believe it before starting therapy. 

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20 hours ago, malina said:

I have a similar issue to yours, with urges to harm so I completely sympathise with how awful this is. I think that pushing away the thoughts or avoiding them is a bad coping strategy because, in the end, the more you push them away, the more they will come. So this may have worked for you in the past but your strategy wasn't a good one and it has backfired because now you can't avoid them. That doesn't make it any less OCD, in fact this is quite typical of OCD.

I agree with Gemma that it's the therapists job to help you understand how this is OCD, rather than waiting for you to believe it before starting therapy. 

I have a few questions about urges... Do they sometimes feel really strong and real? How long can they last for? Sometimes mine seem to be very strong and even uncontrollable... and can last even for a whole day...

My therapist is currently helping me with understanding how this is OCD and how it works, but I need to work on believing that this is OCD and that I am a good person before starting therapy. However, it is very hard for me to do these two things, as I can't forgive myself for the urges I had, and also because I can't believe that a person with OCD could actually feel and think the things I did.

I apologise for the negative thinking and for the sad mood, but this is how I feel...

Hope you have a nice day! 

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On 23/10/2019 at 11:38, Gemma7 said:

This sounds like what you're feeling is doubt. Doubt is a horrible feeling and it makes you want to gain certainty. Doubt is also incredibly common in OCD sufferers. Sufferers commonly don't know what they think or feel sometimes, that's the result of compulsions. 

This is because of the doubt. What you are describing is a checking compulsion. You want to make sure that you aren't what you fear. Like all compulsions though it won't work and will only increase doubt. 

 

I have to say I disagree completely with your specialist. Believing it is OCD comes from applying therapy, if you could believe it before therapy, why would you even need therapy? Can you try to see another therapist? 

Thank you for your reply and answers!

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1 hour ago, Closed for repairs said:

I agree about the therapy, if we all had to wait till we were "certain" its OCD, nobody would be doing any, a lot of the people posting on here have doubts about whether what they are having problems with is OCD or not.

Thank you for your reply!

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50 minutes ago, Cora said:

I have a few questions about urges... Do they sometimes feel really strong and real? How long can they last for? Sometimes mine seem to be very strong and even uncontrollable... and can last even for a whole day...

My therapist is currently helping me with understanding how this is OCD and how it works, but I need to work on believing that this is OCD and that I am a good person before starting therapy. However, it is very hard for me to do these two things, as I can't forgive myself for the urges I had, and also because I can't believe that a person with OCD could actually feel and think the things I did.

I apologise for the negative thinking and for the sad mood, but this is how I feel...

Hope you have a nice day! 

Hi Cora,

no need to apologise, what you are going through is very hard and it’s natural that it makes you feel down. 
 

To answer your question, I’ve been suffering from this form of OCD for a long time. To me, the urges feel very very real and I usually feel like I could act on them, though I never have. During my worst times, I experienced them all day too. I often used to wake up in the middle of the night and have these urges too. Now that I’m better, I’d say I get them a few times a week, they vary and sometimes last hours and sometimes minutes. 
 

I can tell you from my experience that, while these urges feel completely real, they are not. You are not a bad person, you didn’t ask for this. I hope this helps a bit but happy to give you more information if you need it :)

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2 hours ago, malina said:

Hi Cora,

no need to apologise, what you are going through is very hard and it’s natural that it makes you feel down. 
 

To answer your question, I’ve been suffering from this form of OCD for a long time. To me, the urges feel very very real and I usually feel like I could act on them, though I never have. During my worst times, I experienced them all day too. I often used to wake up in the middle of the night and have these urges too. Now that I’m better, I’d say I get them a few times a week, they vary and sometimes last hours and sometimes minutes. 
 

I can tell you from my experience that, while these urges feel completely real, they are not. You are not a bad person, you didn’t ask for this. I hope this helps a bit but happy to give you more information if you need it :)

Thank you so much for your answers. It did help a bit. 

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