Relationship OCD triggered by death of father

[Pepper22]

Hello, I have been in need of like-minded support for some time now. My father recently passed away unexpectedly and very quickly, and I am struggling immensely with the grief. 

Asides from the grief which is proving very hard, another side effect is that my OCD has increased exponentially. It is really focusing on my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He has been my rock through all of this and I am more madly in love with him than ever. But every single day I get intrusive thoughts about him, that I don’t love him, that he doesn’t love me, that I fancy other people, that I should be on my own and we shouldn’t be together and that I should break up with him. It particularly triggers when I am around other men including my friends. It is as if whenever I am talking to another male (eg friend or colleague) it triggers my OCD, I get major intrusive thoughts about how I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend. I have a male friend that years ago I was told fancied me but I didn’t/don’t, and my OCD seems to trigger in relation to him as well as my other male friends. 
It seems as though the OCD wants to attack and eat away at the best thing in my whole life - my boyfriend. I know I love him, I want to be with him forever and hopefully marry him, but this OCD is eating away at time. 

I am becoming more and more anxious by the minute with all these intrusive thoughts. I am using some of the techniques my psychologist taught me like acknowledging the thought and saying it’s just my OCD, but it just doesn’t seem to be going away. 
Please help me - I am struggling so much. 
Thank you so much 

[PolarBear]

No doubt your problem lies in you reacting to the thoughts. You likely get upset at them and react by way of compulsions.

You need to figure out what your compulsions are and work hard to curtail and stop them. That's the way to break free of this.

[Emsie]

Hi Pepper, first of all I'm so very sorry about your dad.

I completely agree with PolarBear's advice. Compulsions can be very subtle and they may well be occurring without you realising. For example, when you have these intrusive thoughts, such as you don't love your boyfriend do you try and neutralise it in your mind with something like 'but I love him'. Are you self reassuring? Ruminating about things is a big and common compulsion. Do you seek reassurance from others? Any googling going on at all to reassure yourself? Just things to help you think about what your compulsions may be. 

Be kind to yourself. X

Edited October 23, 2019 by Emsie

[Pepper22]

7 hours ago, Emsie said:

Hi Pepper, first of all I'm so very sorry about your dad.

I completely agree with PolarBear's advice. Compulsions can be very subtle and they may well be occurring without you realising. For example, when you have these intrusive thoughts, such as you don't love your boyfriend do you try and neutralise it in your mind with something like 'but I love him'. Are you self reassuring? Ruminating about things is a big and common compulsion. Do you seek reassurance from others? Any googling going on at all to reassure yourself? Just things to help you think about what your compulsions may be. 

Be kind to yourself. X

Thank you PolarBear and Emsie for helping me. 

I am absolutely doing the compulsions the whole time. I try and neutralise the thoughts and rationalise them. It’s at the point where I am starting to think they are real even though my non-OCD side of my brain knows they are not. They get in an vicious cycle argument and inevitably the intrusive thoughts win. 
 

I do a lot of self assuring and even assuring from him all the time. I know these are compulsions but I cannot seem to stop doing them. The thoughts just keep coming and compound the problem. 
 

I am a total perfectionist and so when things are not perfect (as expected almost all the time) I find it difficult to cope and it makes my rash, irrational, OCD intrusive thoughts ten fold and my anxiety increase exponentially. 
 

Is it strange that I know my compulsions and I have techniques to try and stop them but they aren’t working?

I am stuck in this cycle every day of it getting worse and worse. Then when the grief takes over it just makes it worse. 
 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I had been doing so much better using the techniques and they were working a lot of the time. 

 

How do I stop my compulsions when I know what they are?

[Gemma7]

Hi Pepper

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, that must be really hard to cope with x

4 hours ago, Pepper22 said:

How do I stop my compulsions when I know what they are?

The main method is to begin to view them differently. Usually in CBT you do behavioural experiments where you don't do compulsions and see how you feel. Usually sufferers increase doubt, experience an increase in anxiety and an urge to do more compulsions when they do compulsions. They also strengthen their belief that whatever they are worried about is more likely. Alternatively when you don't do them, anxiety reduces on its own, doubt stays the same or decreases and you feel better. 

In other words you learn the problem is compulsions. It's that change in belief that promotes the change in behaviour. From what I can tell your techniques involve letting things be which is quite a difficult approach. 

[Pepper22]

On 24/10/2019 at 11:56, Gemma7 said:

Hi Pepper

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, that must be really hard to cope with x

The main method is to begin to view them differently. Usually in CBT you do behavioural experiments where you don't do compulsions and see how you feel. Usually sufferers increase doubt, experience an increase in anxiety and an urge to do more compulsions when they do compulsions. They also strengthen their belief that whatever they are worried about is more likely. Alternatively when you don't do them, anxiety reduces on its own, doubt stays the same or decreases and you feel better. 

In other words you learn the problem is compulsions. It's that change in belief that promotes the change in behaviour. From what I can tell your techniques involve letting things be which is quite a difficult approach. 

Hello Gemma7, thank you so much for your reply above. 
I have not been seeing a CBT specialist for a year or so now as I thought I had got to a place where I had the tools to manage my OCD monster, but I have really regressed in the last few months and so am going to get back in touch with my CBT specialist. 
I feel a little stupid, but I am not sure now how not to do my compulsions. Every time I have a bad thought I either tell myself it’s just my OCD monster and/or do my compulsions - most likely the latter. It seems I am on this cycle where I’m stuck, because the thoughts keep coming thick and fast. In the small chance I manage to get through one thought cycle, another will come and it feeds the cycle again. 
By telling myself it’s just my OCD monster when I have these thoughts, do you think that is just feeding it more? It is like you say a more let things be approach. I don’t know if I truly know how to just let the thoughts come and go and accept them now  

 

[Gemma7]

You're not stupid Pepper not at all. Fighting OCD is incredibly hard. Telling yourself it's just OCD is a safety behaviour (compulsion), which would be fine to use initially if it helped you not do compulsions, with the aim of stopping it completely. The reason it's not recommended long term is that it requires you to be sure a problem is OCD before moving on. This becomes an impossible criteria to meet because OCD will just switch your obsession to something else and trip you up. 

I think you just need to look into therapy again. There's nothing to be ashamed of in needing some more help, and this time you will probably make more progress because of your past helpful experiences with it

[Pepper22]

On 13/11/2019 at 10:57, Gemma7 said:

You're not stupid Pepper not at all. Fighting OCD is incredibly hard. Telling yourself it's just OCD is a safety behaviour (compulsion), which would be fine to use initially if it helped you not do compulsions, with the aim of stopping it completely. The reason it's not recommended long term is that it requires you to be sure a problem is OCD before moving on. This becomes an impossible criteria to meet because OCD will just switch your obsession to something else and trip you up. 

I think you just need to look into therapy again. There's nothing to be ashamed of in needing some more help, and this time you will probably make more progress because of your past helpful experiences with it

Thank you so much Gemma7. I am struggling enormously and feel like I am alone as don’t feel I can voice the thoughts in my head and why I am not coping. 
It had got considerably worse in the last few days as my boyfriend and I got engaged last week, so now all the negative intrusive thoughts have increased ten fold. 
I feel so guilty as my father isn’t here, I am happy and so excited, but all the negative thoughts are eating away at me - like, is he the right one (despite knowing I wanted to marry him since we first started going out), will this change our relationship, will we be happy, I have to act like an adult now, am I ready? The thought that having wanted this for so long, why hasn’t the engagement made my intrusive thoughts go away.

I can’t cope with it anymore - it is eating into all my happiness. I feel like I have imposter syndrome like this isn’t me, but the monster is convincing me so successfully that these intrusive thoughts are true. 
I am hoping to see my CBT specialist on Thursday morning, I am just losing control of my life due to this horrific condition. I don’t feel like now we are engaged I can talk to anyone about how it has impacted my OCD. I feel lost and alone.

Is this sort of thing/these thoughts normal? I have no idea what is normal anymore. I feel I have lost my identity and ability to understand myself and who I really am anymore. I don’t trust myself at all. 

[Closed for repairs]

First of all congratulations!

Second, yes all that seems normal, it's the plot of nearly every romance novel and soap opera.

It's a big life changing commitment, and you are supposed to be a bit worried, it's part of what makes it exiting.

It's how you move on in life, take a little risk, get the reward.

Or never change anything.

It's why it's called taking the plunge.

By the way I don't think many people actually believe they are an adult. We all feel we've sneaked in and are hoping no one notices that we are only dressed up as a grown up!

I'm sure you will do great!

[Pepper22]

16 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

First of all congratulations!

Second, yes all that seems normal, it's the plot of nearly every romance novel and soap opera.

It's a big life changing commitment, and you are supposed to be a bit worried, it's part of what makes it exiting.

It's how you move on in life, take a little risk, get the reward.

Or never change anything.

It's why it's called taking the plunge.

By the way I don't think many people actually believe they are an adult. We all feel we've sneaked in and are hoping no one notices that we are only dressed up as a grown up!

I'm sure you will do great!

Thank you so much Closed for repairs. It is so so exciting so I hope this monster goes away one day. 
You are completely right, we had talked about it and I really wanted to, I just guess it’s a total shock as I thought I would never be lucky enough. 
He is the most amazing person and I know I love him more than anything, but this OCD monster is eating away at my happiness all day every day. 
The intrusive thoughts are almost entirely about him, and our relationship, and now our engagement. I don’t know about you but I find it all very exhausting. 
My father passed away suddenly very recently and so the whole set of circumstances now are not helped by my sadness and guilt at feeling happy due to that. 
It is interesting to hear that the apprehension about getting married is not just specific to me. It has not sunk in at all. The thoughts are entirely picking out and focusing on all negatives possible, so I am going back to my therapist for more CBT as my techniques don’t seem to be working. I think they have become more of a compulsion. 
I don’t think I will ever be a grown up really so that is funny you say most people probably feel that way!

Thank you so much for your support. I am just feeling so lost and up and down like a rollercoaster. Like I will never be free from this monster however much I try and want to be. 

[Pepper22]

On 23/11/2019 at 22:48, Petal said:

Firstly condolences for your loss, losing a parent is incredibly hard. To relate following the death of my mum I had a spike with intrusive thoughts, this is normal and will pass with time when the grief becomes less raw

Secondly congratulations you are a loving, kind and wonderful person who is loved so much so you’ve been proposed to. Try and treat yourself with compassion as your fiancée does. This is especially important when faced with the pain of your dad.

You know deep down the strength of your love and relationship so trust in that and when the thoughts/questions of doubt come acknowledge but don’t engage and distract yourself. Start wedding planning yayyyyy how exciting.. what sort of venue might you go for? What dress? How much fun will your hen do be? See I bet these questions have steered you away. They would me! 

Thoughts are with you 

Hello Petal, thank you so much for your kind support. You have such wise words. I am sorry to hear about your mother.
 It has been quite the rollercoaster with the grief and then the sheer joy, and it’s proving problematic. 
I have gone back to see my specialist and she provided some guidance on how my management techniques seemed to have become compulsions. 
I am not good at treating myself with kindness and expect everything to be perfect at all times (recipe for disaster really), and the intrusive thoughts have gone through the roof. 
I appear to go from a good moment to a bad moment so quickly (particularly with wedding planning already kicking off). 

How do you now trust and know who you really are and not believe the thoughts are real? 

It is true wedmin does provide some interesting diversions. 
Your advice about trying to make my thoughts about my father positive, and what he would have wanted for me, rather than sad and about missing him doesn’t seem to be hugely possible at the moment. I seem to either not want to think about it or when I do I get sad. But hopefully one day I will be able to remember the amazing happy positive memories of him, and how he is watching over me every day. 
Since speaking to you on this forum and seeing my specialist again, I do feel more positive about fighting this ghastly condition and that I can do it, maybe not overnight but I can do it. I have to keep fighting, as I had pretty much given up hope. 
 

Thank you so much again Petal, you have been so helpful and I really appreciate it. 

[Hdigtts]

Well done for seeking the help you have. It’s never easy to ask for help, especially when you want everything to be perfect. 
 

Im currently experiencing some ROCD thoughts and can relate to how horrible it is. If you ever want to chat I’m here to listen.

[Pepper22]

 

On 01/12/2019 at 20:29, Hdigtts said:

Well done for seeking the help you have. It’s never easy to ask for help, especially when you want everything to be perfect. 
 

Im currently experiencing some ROCD thoughts and can relate to how horrible it is. If you ever want to chat I’m here to listen.

 

On 30/11/2019 at 17:07, Petal said:

You’ll do this! It’ll come good in the end you watch, time helps. I’m glad you’re feeling more positive xx

 

It is just horrific. It never lets up - I know it’s not me, but it won’t relent or give up. 

It just won’t let me be happy and content, it attacks my relationship for the majority of every day. Tells me I would be better on my own, if I just ran away I wouldn’t have OCD anymore. 
 

i am really struggling to cope with it all. I am seeing my psychologist again which is beneficial, and she suggested we work on what is the main driver/starting point of the OCD, my obsession with perfection and my total inability to cope with/accept anything other than perfection. This has helped but at the same time I feel that it has done nothing - does anyone else find this?

It is like I have a big bubble around me and anything positive bounces off and doesn’t get through and everything negative no matter how small always gets through. I am really getting to the end of my ability to copy. 
 

My poor fiancé is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he supports me no matter what, but I feel so bad for him having to put up with this!! 
 

I don’t know what to do anymore - I am so lost with sadness and grief never mind the fact my OCD has totally taken over my life and controls me, defines my everyday. 
 

Please please help me

[PolarBear]

Helps to get in the right mindset. You want everything perfect. How's that working for you? Is your pursuit of perfection making you happy, fulfilled?

[Pepper22]

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Helps to get in the right mindset. You want everything perfect. How's that working for you? Is your pursuit of perfection making you happy, fulfilled?

That’s is one of the big things I am struggling with. I cannot seem to get into the right mindset. My pursuit of perfection has prevented my happiness all my life and it seems right now that it is providing an ample feeding ground for the intrusive thoughts. I am not happy and it is killing me.
 

I am trying all the techniques that my psychologist has taught me but they don’t seem to be working at all. The OCD has totally won, it has made me believe things that aren’t real, and keeps going. I am so scared that I will do something rash that I will end up regretting all my life because it has managed to totally persuade me the thoughts are real and mean something.

I feel lost and helpless - like nothing is working anymore and I just keep begging the OCD to stop. 

i don’t want it and I want to get more help but I don’t know how or where given I already get help? I used to be on medication but I think that was a temporary fix? 
 

I am open to trying new techniques other than CBT to try and get this monster under control again. 

[PolarBear]

Frankly, there are no other proven techniques for dealing with OCD.

[Cub]

I'm very sorry for your father's death. I lost my Mim six years ago and she was my closest companion in this OCD business. I felt dreadfully lonely and sad after her death and it was difficult to cope. But the good news is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I think about her every day and always feel she's with me. 

OCD might be a bit rough for a while so just be good to yourself and kind to yourself; have patience and exercise self-care.

C x

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Your father's passing have put you under a lot of stress, it's common that the OCD flare up then.

Try to take care of yourself

Edited January 24, 2020 by OCDhavenobrain

[Pepper22]

On 24/01/2020 at 13:23, Cub said:

I'm very sorry for your father's death. I lost my Mim six years ago and she was my closest companion in this OCD business. I felt dreadfully lonely and sad after her death and it was difficult to cope. But the good news is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; I think about her every day and always feel she's with me. 

OCD might be a bit rough for a while so just be good to yourself and kind to yourself; have patience and exercise self-care.

C x

Thank you so much Cub. I still don’t really understand how and why my father’s death would have triggered my OCD so badly but I am trying to get through it. 
Like you my father was my closest confidant about my OCD and so I am struggling to find outlets to discuss it. I talk to my fiancé about it a lot but as it is Relationship intrusive thoughts OCD I don’t always feels truly comfortable sharing the details with him (despite him telling me it’s okay - I am worried it will scare him off!!)

i am really finding it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have downloaded an app called GGROCD which is designed to help specifically with relationship intrusive thoughts and have been using it for a few days - and it seems to help a little but the bombardment in thoughts is just never ending!!

I am constantly fighting it almost every minute, the intrusive thoughts about my fiancé and the idea of doing something rash and ending it (something I definitely know I don’t want to do) and the OCD monster just keeps arguing it!

Is it possible to be/feel truly OCD free or even have it at a stage where each day it’s manageable?

On 25/01/2020 at 00:41, OCDhavenobrain said:

Your father's passing have put you under a lot of stress, it's common that the OCD flare up then.

Try to take care of yourself

Thank you OCDhavenobrain - I didn’t know it would be it is the only major thing that I think could trigger it. Although I have been struggling with a relapse for a long time. 

[Pepper22]

Please help! I am feeling so desperately lost with this condition. I don’t know what to believe anymore, I am so close to just letting it win and hiding away from everything and everyone. 
 

It has totally taken control of my every minute - the intrusive thoughts about my fiancé and our relationship are just never ending. The fact I totally lost my libido after my father died last summer is only fuelling the fire. 
 

i have been to see my psychiatrist and she put me back on an SSRI, although we have to work up to the right dosage. But I feel like since I started taking it this week, my OCD and related anxiety as increased ten fold. Is that a thing? I think I remember her saying before that it gets worse before it gets better but I am really really struggling to cope. It feels like I am drowning and I have almost lost all hope of ever being ‘rid’ of this condition. 
 

my father used to be the person I spoke to in moments of OCD desperation, but I no longer have him and so the feeling of being alone and lost is just increasing. As much as my friends and fiancé are so supportive, I don’t think they fully understand and the fact my intrusive thoughts are all about my relationship with him means I am terrified of telling him!

How can I break the cycle of compulsions when the intrusive thoughts come so thick and fast I almost can’t get away from them?

i have not yet considered exposure therapy and I am not sure I understand how it works. Has anyone else done exposure therapy for intrusive thoughts OCD (in particular relationship OCD)??

 

Thank you so much for keeping supporting me in trying to tackle what we all know is a cruel condition that is the enemy of happiness. 

[PolarBear]

It is common, when starting out with an SSRI, for your symptoms to get worse in the short term before smoothing out. Give yourself time.

[Pepper22]

On 21/02/2020 at 14:43, PolarBear said:

It is common, when starting out with an SSRI, for your symptoms to get worse in the short term before smoothing out. Give yourself time.

It is a a strange relief to know that my symptoms getting significantly worse in the last week or so could be down to the SSRI.  

I am finding the urge to run away from everything and everyone, curl up in a ball and sleep is increasing. The OCD is winning, making me believe everything I think, all the intrusive thoughts, are real. So if I lock myself away the OCD thoughts and compulsions will just go away!! 
 

I am having to fight it every second and I am tired - the techniques that used to work for me are no longer working a lot of the time. 
 

Does it ever get easier? And if so, how?! It may be a simple question but right now, I have lost all hope of ever recovering  

[PolarBear]

The only proven treatment for OCD is CBT with ERP.