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Hi,

I know I've posted before and I really appreciate all the replies and answers I received.

I don't really know the aim of this post... but here goes... I really feel that this is not OCD, and maybe it was at some point, but now it's just paedophilia. I will never be able to look at kids in a normal way. I can't get over the fact that I was distressed because I couldn't act on my thoughts/urges. I live with 7 years old brother, and all my thoughts are about molesting him. These thoughts rarely come with anxiety, it's either no emotion or excitement combined with weird sensations. I know I need help. But I'm pretty sure it's not for OCD. 
And I'm really sorry for my boyfriend. Because he believes I am nice person. I wish I could break up with him, because he deserves someone normal. Whenever I think about us having kids, all I can think about is me doing something bad to them.
And I'm really sorry for my parents, too. They think I'm a good daughter and sister. But they don't know who I actually am.
Two months ago or so I was 85% convinced that it was OCD (even though I wasn't diagnosed at that time)… now I'm 100% convinced it's paedophilia.

I don't really know what to do...

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Also, I'm really scared that I molested my brother because there were 3 weird physical contacts between us, one of them leading to really strong sensations in my body. The worst part is I think I enjoyed those sensations... And sometimes when I think about that I think I still enjoy it. 
Whenever I watch programs and news about people molesting children I feel guilty, and feel like I should go to prison...

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Cora sometimes there aren't people available to respond, it doesn't mean anything :)

It sounds like you want it to be OCD and that is enough to start acting like it's OCD and to start going to therapy as if your problem is OCD.

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Yes, I understand.

It's true, I want it to be OCD. And I started to act like it's OCD. But it feels like a big fat lie. My mind has been changed and whenever I think (or see) of children I get a very weird sensation in my body. Don't think I can describe it. I don't think I'll ever be able to see children as I used to see them before all this. 

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You can choose to give up or you can trust us that we know OCD better than you. We are all too familiar with the weird, physical sensations you have. If they are what makes you think you enjoy the thoughts, you are mistaken. They're just another part of OCD that can show up with sexual obsessions.

Ckearly your thoughts bother you. If they didn't, you would not be here. You don't have to have what you call anxiety for this to be OCD.

 

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I know that what I'm going to say will sound weird and probably won't make much sense ... but I have to ask something...
Do people who've read this post (this includes both people who replied and who didn't) think that I have something more than OCD, such as inclination to pedophilia, or a combination of both?
I know this is a weird question to ask, and probably selfish too, but I feel that I didn't get many replies because people think that I am a terrible person, and therefore I don't deserve help.

Thank you.

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Trying to read into what you feel is a lack of posts is pointless and a sign of an overactive mind. Understand that we are volunteers. We have lives. Most on here are currently suffering and may not be equipped to handle some questions.

It is impossible for you to be a pedophile and have pedophile OCD. Impossible.

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Hi Cora

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. I have suffered from POCD for 6 years on and off. It's taken on many forms but recently is the same as you, worries about molesting. I know i would never harm anyone but it's the fear of "do I want to" that scares me so much. I spend so much time trying to "figure out my thoughts" and obviously get nowhere - as it's OCD! I find the best way to deal with it is I remind myself that paedophiles enjoy having these thoughts, OCD sufferers do not. I am happiest when i'm NOT having these thoughts whereas paedophiles are happy to have these thoughts. That gives me some comfort to remember and then I try to do things to occupy my mind, remind myself I am a good person and the whole reason i am having these thoughts is because I really don't want to have them. It will pass and get better, keep your chin up and give yourself a break.

I don't know how much help this is and I don't want to be a reassurance compulsion but I know for me, just knowing someone feels the same makes me feel more sane and less paranoid. 

If you ever want a chat feel free to message me.

J x

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I feel very sorry Cora. I have the most horrible OCD thoughts about my grandchildren and my own children before that. The thoughts are usually molestation, but sometimes are even worse than that. Fortunately, my family are really good; I can tell them anything and the feel sorry for me and love me unconditionally. 

OCD will attack that which you love most. It will attempt to cloud your mind with things which simply didn't happen. It is so so upsetting. 

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