OCD getting bad again! What can cause it to flare up?

[lonelygirl91]

Recently I was doing well and my last really bad OCD spell was months ago. Recently it's been really playing up again. I have Sexual Orientation OCD about being a lesbian or bi. I also have OCD about getting rare diseases (this obsession used to be really bad but luckily hasn't been flaring up in a very long time) and POCD (OCD about being a paedophile).

My SO-OCD has been quite bad lately. I've recently found a boyfriend, which is awesome! I was the one who chased him and went through agony wondering if he felt the same way about me (luckily he did). We've had a few bumps in the road and there were times when I thought we were going to break up and was in a right state as I didn't want to lose him. Luckily things have been going well lately. We still haven't slept together because I've wanted to wait and make sure that he likes me for more than just sex as I've had guys only after sex and I have anxiety of being used for sex.

We will have sex soon, but I'm worried as I haven't done it for a really long time so I feel very nervous. I feel excited too, but I'm worried it will hurt and I won't get wet enough which is a sign I'm a lesbian. I recently got a contraceptive implant and I feel that it's made my moods and obsessions darker. Before that I was so excited about having sex with my boyfriend and fantasised about it all the time. Now I feel that my sex drive isn't as high. I'm hoping that it's a side effect.

My mind is constantly telling me that I'm a lesbian and what if I would rather be with a woman? I get intrusive thoughts but I try not to interact with and analyse these thoughts which is huge progress. I used to mentally test sexual thoughts with a woman which only made me feel worse and got me stuck in the cycle of ruminating and high anxiety. My mind tries to dare me to do it? Is this typical of OCD? 

I don't know why it's gotten really bad again. I've had a few stressful factors such as having my work hours cut and losing my stability and routine, which is a big thing for me. The arguments with my boyfriend haven't helped. Also I don't know if having a contraceptive implant could be partly responsible. I don't know if hormones have an impact on OCD. Also the weather is so horrible and it's so dark; I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder as I really hate autumn and winter and want to move to a warm country. 

[lonelygirl91]

I try to be rational for example, a lesbian wouldn't be so upset about the idea of losing her boyfriend (lesbians in this modern society don't even have boyfriends because they don't need to cover up!). I mostly always get wet when I'm around my boyfriend. I enjoy being around him and look forward to seeing him. I'm looking forward to sex with him, though as it approaches I'm feeling nervous and my sex drive isn't as high after the implant (I'm hoping that it's a temporary side effect). I'm looking forward to seeing his penis. 

[lonelygirl91]

?

[PolarBear]

What you are doing here is trying to convince us, and more importantly you, that you are not a lesbian. Through that, you are looking for reassurance. This is all a compulsion and it is doing you no good.

Did it ever occur to you that lesbians probably don't spend time and energy trying to convince thrmselves and others that they aren't lesbians? Does that make sense?

Quit trying to convince yourself. It's a waste of time. It hasn't helped for years, so why keep doing it?

Instead, just try to enjoy your time with your boyfriend. Leave the mind games alone.

[Angst]

Hi there. Is sounds as thought you have been reading the OCD literature. As SO- OCD is the term used for your sort of a experiences. Have you completed one of the SO OCD questionnaires? Perhaps have greater intimacy your boyfriend sooner rather than later?

[dksea]

On 27/10/2019 at 04:41, lonelygirl91 said:

I don't know why it's gotten really bad again. I've had a few stressful factors such as having my work hours cut and losing my stability and routine, which is a big thing for me. The arguments with my boyfriend haven't helped. Also I don't know if having a contraceptive implant could be partly responsible. I don't know if hormones have an impact on OCD. Also the weather is so horrible and it's so dark; I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder as I really hate autumn and winter and want to move to a warm country. 

Stress, hormones, etc. can all play a factor in our mental health, so what you list could contribute.  To me though the bigger reason is that you are in an active and developing heterosexual relationship and your fears are based on being a lesbian.  Therefore the feared outcome "OMG I really like ladies" would have greater impact than if you were single.  The stakes are higher so to speak.  

As PB says you can continue to entertain and focus on these fears, or you can recognize them for being the irrational lies of OCD and work on getting past them by not engaging in compulsions.  

[Handy]

When you’re in love serotonin drops & if you have ocd too it’s a double hit. “Serotonin: Scientists think serotonin probably decreases at this stage, but more studies need to be done. Low levels of serotonin are found in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and are thought to cause obsessive thinking. In one Italian study of 60 students, those who were recently in love and those with OCD both had less serotonin transporter protein in their blood than regular (not recently in love) students.”

[paradoxer]

It doesn't really matter why OCD flares up, more important is to deal with it appropriately  ... implement the tools when it does.