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Groinal responses, general anxiety about relationships... Someone talk some sense into me please!


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Hi everyone,

This is a pretty embarrassing topic and I'm not sure if this is the best forum to post it on, but since it's undoubtedly being made worse by OCD, I thought it'd be a good place to start.

So, my POCD fears have shapeshifted quite a bit since the last time I posted. I now keep getting thoughts/urges about having sex with people a few years younger than me, around age 17/18. I suspect that my current anxieties are tied to general anxiety I've been having about relationships - specifically, about the fact that I've never properly been in one. I was quite badly ill for a large part of my teenage years and both my physical and mental health have only recovered in the past one or two years, which meant that I never really had the energy or opportunity to get into a relationship while at school. Now, at the age of 20 and in my second year of uni, I've finally been thinking about finding a boyfriend - so far that hasn't happened yet, but I'm kinda hopeful that I'll find someone soon ?.

But anyway, I often feel like I'm "getting old" for someone who's never been in a relationship, let alone had sex, and that brings me back to the anxiety I've been facing. I keep wondering whether or not I'm attracted to people a few years younger than me, especially the ones who look like they're younger than they really are. This is becoming quite a big problem, because for some reason many of the first-years at uni look *really* young (i.e. I couldn't tell just by looking at them if they were 18 or 16, say), which is playing into my POCD fears. I don't even know at this point if I really do find them more attractive than people my age, but the groinal responses and intrusive thoughts I get are often quite strong, which is at best embarrassing and at worst incredibly anxiety-inducing. I think it's the fact that it would still be socially acceptable for me to be in a relationship/have sex with them which is actually causing much of the anxiety - if I see someone who's 15, say, then I can control any intrusive thoughts or feelings fairly well now, because I can say to myself that they're far too young for me to be wondering if I find them attractive. But for someone who's 18, it's a different story.

Sometimes I get really strong urges to make out with them, like a one-night stand sort of thing instead of a long-term relationship... I guess it's because I feel like it'll no longer be acceptable for me to do that with an 18-year-old in a few years' time, and so this is my "last chance", as it were, to be in a relationship with a teenager - something I never got to experience. It's such a twisted way of thinking and I do feel pretty disgusted with myself for thinking this way, but I always get a groinal response when I think about this and it's making me feel really conflicted - is this what I want; do I enjoy these thoughts?

I wish things were simpler! I feel like I need some practical, concrete advice because it's the temptation of technically still being "allowed" to get with someone that young that's causing all this trouble for me. If I ended up getting into a committed, consensual relationship with someone a few years younger than me, then I don't think that would bother me much, but right now all my intrusive thoughts are just about sex, sex, sex, and I'm getting really sick of it. I want to be able to talk to and interact with the people in the year below me without thinking about having sex with them all the time - but I also can't shut out the temptations and urges I keep getting, nor the possibility that I actually enjoy these thoughts.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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@bobfish Sorry to hear you are struggling.  Relationships can be plenty stressful without the added complications of OCD, so its perfectly understandable that you are having struggles in that area, especially at the age you are at.

 

13 hours ago, bobfish said:

But anyway, I often feel like I'm "getting old" for someone who's never been in a relationship, let alone had sex,

I can totally appreciate what you are feeling here, though it amuses me to hear a 20 year old worry about "getting old" when I just turned 39.  I guess its all relative right ?

Here's the thing.  There is a lot of societal pressure and expectation for things to be a "certain way", but the reality is people have relationships and reach different relationship milestone at different ages.  There is a bit of selection bias in that you're more likely to hear people who fit the expected "norm" than those who don't. 

Overall though the issue at work here is how much rumination you are putting in to this.  You are analyzing everything from whether or not you are at the right stage for certain types of relationships, to finding different people attractive, etc.  More or less you are overthinking it and trying to make everything "right" (the OCD problem).  You don't HAVE to do any of that though.  Its up to you and whomever you are with how to proceed.  Maybe its a one night stand, maybe its a committed relationship, maybe its something in between.  Maybe you start one way, maybe it changes.  Maybe they break up with you, maybe you break up with them, maybe you end up together for the rest of your life.  The thing is you don't know and have no way of knowing how the future will turn out.  You don't have to get it perfect, whether its a perfect one night stand, or a perfect long term relationship, and the more you try, the worse off you'll be because of the OCD.

So if you find someone attractive, you find them attractive.  if you have desire or fantasy of being intimate with them, you have that desire/fantasy.  Those are just thoughts, they don't harm anyone.  You don't have to check someones ID before you think of them as being attractive or not.  Thats just a thought.  Having thoughts isn't a crime.  Finding someone younger (or older) attractive isn't a crime.  

If/when you decide to act, to pursue someone romantically, take reasonable steps to ensure its consensual (and they are an appropriate age based on your local laws and personal morals), and go from there.  Thats all anyone can expect of you.  You will likely make mistakes, especially if its your first or an early relationship.  Maybe it'll take a few before you figure it out.  maybe you'll see the partner of your dreams on the first try.  No one can say.  But you don't have to be perfect, literally no one EVER is in a relationship (or in anything else).  Give yourself a break :)

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