Scared

[Headwreck]

My OCD does not usually focus on contamination etc but my new job has given me cause to worry, specifically an incident yesterday. I was dealing with someone who was bleeding and was infected with hepatitis. I ended up with a very small amount of blood on my thumb, extremely small amount maybe smaller than the size of a grain of rice and not raised like a droplet or anything, it was transferred from something I had touched. I rubbed my hands with antibacterial gel as soon as I could and then I realised that I had a small scratch on my knuckle which has started to scab over so not bleeding. Now I am extremely frightened that I have rubbed the tiny amount of blood around my hands in the gel and rubbed it into the scab where there is possibly a tiny opening where it could get in.

From then on I have kept looking at the scab and squeezing it to see if it is open and would bleed. I can see a tiny tiny dot of red blood but think this is underneath the skin as when I press it, there is no blood transferred onto tissue etc. I have showed my partner the scab on my knuckle and he says it is not an open wound.

I don't know if this is OCD blowing it out of proportion or not. My partner says I'm being silly. Colleagues say it would have to have been a lot of blood and there is no concern. But nothing is making this situation better. I ended up having a panic attack in work and almost walking out. But instead I hid away until it passed and carried on with my shift. But it was torture.

I don't know if I am overblowing this. My OCD does not centre on contamination but I'm finding the more situations I am in at work the more i am worried I am going to become contaminated with infections whereas nobody else seems bothered.

Can anyone advise on this? Thank you.

Edited October 27, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I scrubbed my hands clean with scorching water and soap, and have showered etc but now I keep thinking about my thumb where I saw the blood and keep thinking about when I touch things with it that there will be transfer to everything I touch. 

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I don't know if I am overblowing this. My OCD does not centre on contamination but I'm finding the more situations I am in at work the more i am worried I am going to become contaminated with infections whereas nobody else seems bothered.

Can anyone advise on this? Thank you.

Overblowing it? Nah, what would make you think that?

[PolarBear]

Your actions are overblown to the situation. You went from a speck of blood on your hand to using gel, scrubbing your hands and having a shower. 

[Headwreck]

I know it sounds stupid but I don't know what is reasonable and what is OCD. As in, what level of concern is normal? I don't have OCD worries surrounding contamination which makes me think this is not OCD worry but a genuine one.

Edited October 27, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I don't have OCD worries surrounding contamination which makes me think this is not OCD worry but a genuine one.

Consider your own earlier statement:

5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

My partner says I'm being silly. Colleagues say it would have to have been a lot of blood and there is no concern.

You got advice from multiple people, yet kept panicking.  You are seeking further reassurance from people here on the forum.  Does that sound like a reasonable reaction or an OCD reaction?

[Headwreck]

Thank you. Just find it hard to gauge how much or little a non OCD person would worry about things.

Edited October 28, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

Regarding my last post, I'd like to ask a general question re OCD, for my own understanding really.

Is OCD more of an approach you have to your worries rather than OCD exclusively concerning a certain subject? If you have OCD then will that mean some of your worries become stuck generally irrespective of the subject or focus? For example, I have been diagnosed with OCD and it centres mainly on checking, but could I theoretically use the same overblown worry habit to deal with other issues even if they're not part of my OCD focus, instead like a way of life almost? Rather than it just being exclusively checking?

I worry about all kinds of things (some change on a daily basis) and know to a point that I blow them out of proportion massively. Examples being the one above about hep, or I'll worry about things I've said, or worry I'll be sacked, worry I'm bad at my job, etc. All worries in a different realm to one another.

I have checking OCD but I tend to obsess generally about all kinds of things when they crop up. I often wonder if it's because I have OCD so I'm susceptible to the behaviour no matter the topic of worry or it's just anxiety in general?

Hope this makes sense, it was hard to put into words!

 

Edited October 28, 2019 by Headwreck

[Closed for repairs]

Yeah, the way I see it, OCD, is a transferable "skill", it lets you ruin your life in all sorts of interesting ways.

I'm a checker, I check lights doors and electrical stuff, also my job as a service engineer is a bit of a nightmare as I get stuck on jobs as I can't stop checking them.

However, other things creep in, I don't like throwing things away, I haven't really got contamination problems, I'll lick a toilet seat, but I get worried about blood on a tissue.

I had to have a stern talk to myself over what to do with some out of date pills.

Recycling drives me nuts.

I sometimes get worried about things touching other things.

I worry about getting arrested for a crime I didn't commit.

I worry about getting arrested for speeding, (that I may or may not have done).

Here's a tip if you think you have set off a speed camera, going past it over and over to see what happens, doesn't help.

To give an example of how a "New thing" creeps up on me...

 

Here's how it goes.

Yesterday I picked a bit of fluff off the floor and chucked it out the window.

Obsession;

You don't know where that went, what if it starts a fire!

Compulsion;

Better go and look, go on , look, hurry up, look for it, there it is , now go and pick it up, do what if it's raining, that's a good boy.

Obsession;

What are you going to do with it now? The bin? Which bin? Ohh no not that bin, it's got to go in the compost bin, don't just throw it in have a look where it goes so you know its in there. Have you put the lid on ...

Disorder

Half an hour in the rain because of a bit of fluff!

Tomorrow I'll probably chuck something away and not even think about it.

(I don't hear voices,  by the way, it's  more how I feel).

So my OCD manifests in all sorts of ways.

The most unusual thing about mine is I don't spend the wondering if its OCD or not, (for now).

 

 

Edited October 28, 2019 by Closed for repairs
OCD worry about misunderstanding.

[Headwreck]

Thanks Closed, it sounds very similar and maybe it is transferrable to other things. It would make sense that it could be, just find it odd that it seems to be seen as exclusive just to one or two themes and no other mention of how life is affected.

The best example I can probably give at this moment is that I was worried about that hep issue I posted yesterday but now today I've woken up worried about something I disclosed to people in work about my childhood yesterday and I am panicking that they think I am 'damaged' and that they will report what I've told them back to others. I have the urge to tell my partner to gauge his reaction and see if it is as bad as I think but I am going to try not to. I know I will end up worried about something else tomorrow. I use my partner as a measurement of how bad something is an awful lot, because I don't think I can measure the level myself because it's always extreme when I do.

 

[PolarBear]

All of it is OCD, Headwreck. All of it.

Instead of saying you have checking OCD,  how about you day you have OCD? Checking, contamination, false memory... they are really all the same.

[dksea]

16 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thank you. Just find it hard to gauge how much or little a non OCD person would worry about things.

Two rules of thumb to go by:

1. If you think it MIGHT be OCD it probably is.
2. If its OCD your worry is probably way too much

When gauging how to react with OCD anxieties it can be challenging, no doubt.  Part of it you learn from experience, part of it you learn from observation, and part of it you learn just by recognizing OCD is at work and it can't be trusted.  In my personal experience I can't think of a single instance in over 25 years where OCD was even close to right about how much I should be worried about a given situation.  Thats not to say I didn't overreact sometimes (ok a lot of times) but I've gotten better over the years. 
A few of the techniques I employ:
1. Think about how my friends or family members have acted in similar situations.  Not a detailed analysis (compulsion alert!) just a quick...hey I remember that time when something similar happened to my sister Mary (my sister is not named Mary), she did X, Y, Z.  Also, it doesn't have to be the EXACT same situation, just something similar.
2. Make myself wait.  Set a deadline, I usually pick one week, and say "if I am still feeling X in one week, then I'll call my doctor about it".  Different situations can call for different delays, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, etc. it depends.  But try putting it off for at least a bit to see if it is still as pressing a need then.
3. Ask one person for advice.  Usually this is someone who knows about my OCD so they know when to cut me off, but if I'm not sure I ask one person (usually my mom or dad in my case) and see what they say.  Then you go with that.  Not "but what ifs".  No, "but maybe you don't understand all the details".  I BRIEFLY explain my concern, listen to what they say and just do that.  Don't ask again.  Don't ask multiple people to try and get the answer you want or the relief you want.  Ask one person and go with their reaction.
4. Try and learn from your past mistakes/behavior.  Recall a time where you were similarly worried, gave in to compulsions, and the result didn't change.  The threat wasn't real and you could just have gotten along without all the extra behavior.  "But this time is different", probably not.  Probably this time is the same or close enough.

I hope that helps.  The thing is you are still going to feel anxiety and doubt, thats just what OCD does.  You have to start accepting that what you are feeling is a false alarm and you don't have to react.  It sucks but its better than falling deeper in the OCD hole.

[Headwreck]

I'm sorry to post again but I've had a meltdown at work and they had to take me to hospital for a reassurance visit to speak to an actual doctor about my fear that I had been contaminated. 

The doctor said there is always a possibility but it's extremely unlikely that I have hepatitis based on what I did and the amount of blood. He told me I can stop worrying. But this feels like it is not enough and I keep replaying what happened in my head and feel like I am contaminated. I also keep looking at the cut on my knuckle. I feel like the only way I can get over this is if I am tested. 

Please help, what can I do to stop this? I'm trying to distract but it is always there. I feel like my worries are adding up more and more, making me want to quit my job, break up relationship, and now possibly end my life if I have hep.

Edited October 31, 2019 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Look, as with all sufferers, you are your own worst enemy. The reason you are so bad off is because you do compulsions. Probably a lot of them.

Going to the doctor is a compulsion. Looking at your knuckle is a compulsion. Constantly thinking about it (ruminating) is a compulsion. You are contrmplating going for a test... All these do is make your situation worse.

You went to the doctor for reassurance. Big compulsion. How did that make you feel? Did it take away your anxiety? No!

Even going for a test will not get rid of your anxiety. Your mind will come up with further obsessions for you to get upset over.

 

[Headwreck]

So what do I do here? Just ignore? I am starting to feel very anxious about it again and it is latching on to other things ie if I have this and then pass it to my partner and I have cheated then I will have literally ruined his whole life. The test takes months as well, I don't think I could wait for the length of time required. I wish none of this had ever happened. I thought things were bad before, didn't realise it could get much worse but it did.

Edited October 31, 2019 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

What you do here is put into action the principles we have been talking to you about for years. 

[paradoxer]

9 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

So what do I do here? Just ignore? I am starting to feel very anxious about it again and it is latching on to other things ie if I have this and then pass it to my partner and I have cheated then I will have literally ruined his whole life. The test takes months as well, I don't think I could wait for the length of time required. I wish none of this had ever happened. I thought things were bad before, didn't realise it could get much worse but it did.

Headwreck, if you want to start feeling better, you have to be ready to embrace feeling worse.  Every time you run for the exit door it sends a signal to your brain that your feeling is important. From a therapeutic point of view your feelings are irrelevant. Start to not respond to your intuition. Do nothing. The worst contaminant is OCD. It's hazardous to your health, really. 

[paradoxer]

4 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

What you do here is put into action the principles we have been talking to you about for years. 

I can sense the exasperation. 

[PolarBear]

Not really exasperation. Because her head is full of this current obsession, Headwreck likely can't see that what we taught her before is applicable to this situation.

[paradoxer]

I hear you PB, just trying to inject a bit of humor into the situation. 

[paradoxer]

5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Not really exasperation. Because her head is full of this current obsession, Headwreck likely can't see that what we taught her before is applicable to this situation.

Response above. 

[dksea]

26 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

So what do I do here? Just ignore?

Yup, thats exactly what you should do.
You should have ignored it in the first place.
You should have ignored it after your coworkers and partner reassured you it was nothing.
You should ignore it now that a doctor has told you its nothing to worry about.

You are continuing to feel anxiety NOT because there is an actual threat worth feeling anxiety over but because you have OCD.

You have fallen in to the trap that basically all of us OCD sufferers do, you are allowing the presence of your anxiety to justify your anxiety.  You are feeling worried therefore there must be some reason you SHOULD feel worried.  Its all an OCD lie.  You can feel worried when there is absolutely nothing wrong.  Just as you are now.
 

30 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

ie if I have this and then pass it to my partner and I have cheated then I will have literally ruined his whole life

What does cheating have to do with it?  You are talking about something that happened at work and now morphing it in to cheating?  Thats not remotely logical, this is your OCD talking.  I could come up with a million "what if scenarios" about any given situation at any time.  Just because you can THINK of it does not mean its reasonable.  

You've asked for advice, you've been given advice by multiple people including a medical professional.  You can either accept that advice and realize that your anxiety is happening because of OCD and not give in to the compulsions OR you can ignore all the advice and keep making your anxiety worse.  I recommend the former.

[Headwreck]

The other day I thought this was stupid but then today I have had a stressful time as had to get an injection (I have severe needlephobia) and then I went into work and just fell apart. 

I will try to ignore. I feel as though I might wake up and think this is silly but then there will be something else (probably the night out and cheating) that will worry me instead. I can't keep up. The cheating I mentioned above was reference to my concern about kissing someone on a night out. If I have cheated as well as passed hep onto my partner then I am literally the worst person alive.

But yes I understand what you all continue to tell me and appreciate it. But it seems completely impossible, I'm exhausted. My head tells me I am right for worrying to the point where it is wrong if I don't.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

4 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

If I have cheated as well as passed hep onto my partner then I am literally the worst person alive.

1. No, there are people who do FAR worse than cheating and passing on STDs.  Are you committing genocide?  Murdering dozens of children?  Raping people?  Sorry you are not even close to the worst person alive even IF both of your fears were true.

2. If you haven't cheated (which you almost certainly haven't) and aren't infected (which you almost certainly aren't) then you are wasting a huge amount of time and effort on something for no good reason! 

You are trapped in a problematic pattern:  You think because you FEEL anxiety and guilt that there must be some good reason.  But you can FEEL guilty/anxious and not actually be guilty at all.  You need to start challenging the idea that feeling bad means something bad is true.  You can feel anxious about a situation and yet be safe!  Many people are afraid of spiders for example, but the overwhelming majority of the time not only are the spiders NOT dangerous, they are beneficial!  People FEEL anxiety but the reason isn't rational.  You FEEL anxious but the reasons you feel anxious are not worth it.  You are going to have to trust us on that, because you'll probably keep feeling anxious for awhile.  You have to make a choice.

[Headwreck]

I just can't explain this at all. It's like I know it's all overblown and probably false but I can't stop.