Scared

[PolarBear]

Not much to explain. You have OCD. Your mind has latched onto this idea that you could have been infected. You make matters so much worse by doing compulsions. It is difficult to ignore because your mind is screaming at you that this is a serious issue.

That is what is going on in a nutshell.

[Headwreck]

But I can't understand how it wouldn't be a serious issue for anyone else? I think this is what is keeping me stuck.

I've been working with a colleague over the past few days and she today has spoken to me confidentially and told me she has noticed my anxiety because she has a friend who suffers severely also, she said that she is going to disclose it to supervision so I can get support, they are able to provide CBT straight away along with other treatments. I'm worried I might lose my job and they will think I'm a drama queen. Nobody here knows about my OCD.

[PolarBear]

Headwreck, often sufferers cannot understand why they perceive a threat or fear so differently from others. This is very common.

The reason you see things so differently is because you have OCD and your mind is currently fixated on this thing. Before your mind was fixated on cheating. Now it's fixated on being infected. The topic has changed but it's still the same thing.

 

[Closed for repairs]

3 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

But I can't understand how it wouldn't be a serious issue for anyone else? I think this is what is keeping me stuck.

Well for a start, it's not happening to them, it's always easier to have perspective on other people's problems.

And second, it's OCD, that's what it does, (and I know you worry about is it OCD or GAD, or something else, but it doesn't matter much, it's causing you distress. )

The world is full of people who don't care about stuff, it's full of people that worry a bit about stuff, and about 1percent, (I think) that  can't stop worrying due to OCD.

[dksea]

5 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

But I can't understand how it wouldn't be a serious issue for anyone else? I think this is what is keeping me stuck.

I’ll tell you why it isn’t a serious issue for others, but that’s not what’s keeping you stuck. What’s keeping you stuck is trying to figure out a reason why you are stuck. The reason is simple, you have OCD. That’s it. You feel this way because you have OCD. You want to stop feeling this way, you have to stop marching to the OCD beat EVEN THOUGH it feels like you have to. You don’t. You can choose to behave differently even though it’s uncomfortable. 
 

So why isn’t it a serious issue for anyone else? Because the odds of actually being infected in your scenario are astronomically slim. Your odds of winning the lottery are better. Heck, you are at a much higher risk of injury or death from driving too and from work than this incident. Probably more likely to be struck my lightning. 
 

But none of that really matters because your brain is not processing that information correctly anyway because of the OCD.  I could go in to a detailed explanation of why the odds of what you fear are so ridiculously slim, but that wouldn’t change how you FEEL about this. You will still feel anxious, and because you still feel anxious you keep believing there is a REASON to feel anxious. 
 

Obviously you don’t like feeling anxious, none of us do. But trying to fight it the way you are isn’t going to work, because of the OCD. You have to accept that you feel anxious about this and that trying to “solve” it won’t make that go away. You just have to wait it out. Let the anxiety pass on it’s own (which will happen faster if you stop trying to fight). Is it ideal? Absolutely not. But neither is the fact that I get bloating and diarrhea when I eat dairy. So what did I do?  I adjusted my response, I adjusted my behavior. I wish I didn’t have to, but wishing won’t change anything. Sometimes you have to deal with crappy stuff and OCD is, for those of us here, one of those things. If you want to get better in the long run you have to put up with some **** you don’t want to in the short run. I wish it were different but it’s not. That’s life. 

[Closed for repairs]

By the way your work colleagues sound nice,  so that's a plus.

My work has been very supportive, so far, but I'm not going to comment on how yours would approach this, but it's interesting that they have access to CBT, so must have some kind of staff care program.

From what you say it's probably not the biggest secret that the blood thing had upset you.

You are in a better position to judge how your work would react than us.

[Headwreck]

One of my work colleagues has since told me that they have OCD and were diagnosed in early teens. I told them I have OCD and they asked how I was suffering. When I told them how I was suffering specifically with cheating concerns ie 3 years accusing partner and 2 years accusing myself firstly believing I had done something sexual and then thinking kiss, they looked at me like I was nuts. So maybe it is not OCD and it's just me with typical 'beer fear' etc. I'm also concerned that they will tell everyone even though I begged them not to tell anyone.

Yes my work has a lot of support systems in place. I was afraid I would be sacked but colleagues have told me numerous people have disclosed mental health issues and had support to the point where they have therapists assigned for months/years etc and support from supervision. So I have decided I will speak to them but not sure how to approach it as I'm new to the job.

The contamination fear has died down now but the cheating has come back earlier this evening. What I don't get is that I have not been thinking about that for the past day or two but it's now as strong as a few days ago. I presume this will be tomorrow's flavour until the contamination worry is back.

 

Edited November 1, 2019 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

You have concerns about what one person with OCD said but here you have hundreds of sufferers and has anyone here told you your cheating situation is not OCD? 

There is a thousand years worth of suffering here. There are experts (yes, experts) on the subject of OCD. For years we have been telling you that your problem is OCD and we have been encouraging you to treat it as OCD.

Edited November 1, 2019 by PolarBear

[Closed for repairs]

It’s possible that your colleague has not come across many other people with OCD and doesn’t realise the various ways it can manifest. Browsing this forum has been a bit of an eye opener for me!

You also are a bit keen on  confessing stuff,  it’s possible you spent a lot of time explaining what you thought you had done in  the past. if it’s some thing you feel you “have to do”  because it’s the “right thing”  then it’ could be reassurance seeking. Same as tellling  your work, don’t do it  just because you think you are a bad person if you don’t.

Id be  careful about informing your work, you are best placed to tell how they will react but you are newish there, and there is sometimes sadly a difference between  how employers should act and how they do act.

[Headwreck]

I have started worrying about the hepatitis again. I have given myself the compromise that if I'm still concerned by the weekend then I'll get tested. Does this sound like the right approach?

[PolarBear]

Um, no. That's giving you an out from your anxiety and giving in to your obsessions.

There is no valid reason to get tested. Other people have told you not to worry. That wasn't good enough. A doctor told you the same. That wasn't good enough. Now you want to get tested. What if that's not good enough? I've seen it before. 

Get tested, test comes back negative. Because you are fixated on it, your mind comes up with new obsessions, like they tested to early or didn't test right. So you want to get tested again.

This won't stop until you stop it. Your compulsions are driving this. 

Edited November 4, 2019 by PolarBear

[Headwreck]

I thought I was doing the right thing by thinking "just leave it for now and see by the weekend". I also keep looking at my knuckle even though the cut has gone, but it is making me think of what happened and starting to get extremely anxious. Trying to stop looking at it.

My mood seems to affect this a lot. If I'm in an okay mood I can shrug some things off easier than others. This Hepatitis feels like another major worry I have to add to my list. I now have three I am cycling between at the moment and all of which will severely ruin the aspects of my life they are concerning. Relationship, work and health. It's like a full house. I only had the relationship worry to start with but in the past few months two new ones.

Will just try and forget about this and focus on TV.

Edited November 4, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I thought I was doing the right thing by thinking "just leave it for now and see by the weekend"

Delaying can be an effective technique for addressing the initial OCD anxiety, the problem here is that you've already passed that point, you already sought (and got) reassurance.  
I would also say delaying in this type of situation (medical) is better suited for when you think you might be experiencing symptoms.  Like say you have a mild headache, you feel anxiety that its a brain tumor.  Effective delaying would involve something like "ok I'll see if I still have this problem in a few days THEN I will see a doctor".  In your situation there are no symptoms, there's no reason to get tested.  You've been given an expert medical opinion.  The correct step now is to work on accepting that as enough.  Getting tested now or later is merely reinforcing the idea that your fear was reasonable to begin with.

[Headwreck]

Well I almost booked the Dr today to get tested but I didn't do it even though I was desperate. Surely that is a good start?

My partner doesn't seem worried and a doctor has told me it's like a 0.1% chance, basically his words were slim enough chance to stop worrying and forget it. But I don't know why I am, it's like I've stored it as another worry to my list. I think maybe the doctor didn't realise the cut on my knuckle was open very tiny amount even though I showed him the photo. It wasn't the best quality photo and the cut wasn't scabbed over, just closed where it wasn't bleeding and in the very early process of starting to scab.

One minute I'm okay and then the next I remember what happened and then I'm not okay. I am currently wanting to bring it up to my partner to see if he thinks I should be worried. He usually says it's nothing to worry about but if I want to get checked then I should. So then the fact he says I should get checked makes me panic. I'm trying so hard not to talk about this to anyone. The cheating thing is still in the back of my mind too.

This is such a horrible existence. Why can't I just be like everyone else.

Edited November 5, 2019 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

You went to a doctor. A doctor! You were told it is nothing. Now you want to tslk to your boyfriend to see if he thinks you should worry. Your boyfriend! Is he some kind of infectious disease specialist? Do you see how nuts this is?

You want reassurance. You want someone to tell you that your constant worrying and anxiety is justified. Well it's not. It's all faje. It's a lie.

And what you do not understand is that you are keeping that lie alive by doing compulsions. It's that simple. 

[dksea]

6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I think maybe the doctor didn't realise the cut on my knuckle was open very tiny amount even though I showed him the photo. It wasn't the best quality photo and the cut wasn't scabbed over, just closed where it wasn't bleeding and in the very early process of starting to scab.

This is OCD at work, reaching for the slimmest of doubts.  "maybe he didn't realize..."
Or maybe he did fully understand and his diagnosis is the correct one.  Go with that.  Assume the medical person who you consulted, the expert compared to you or your boyfriend, is right.  It won't make the anxiety simply disappear, that will happen over time.  You have to make the conscious choice to not react to the anxiety, to not do what the OCD is screaming at you to do.  Every time you give in to the urge to check, to research, to ruminate, you are strengthening the hold OCD has.  The only way to loosen it is to fight those urges and do the opposite (or nothing).  Yes its hard and painful, but if you want to get better thats what you have to do.  You CAN get better, but you have to make the right choices over and over and over to do so.

[Headwreck]

Thank you Polarbear and Dksea. Going to try and do better with everything today.

[Headwreck]

This week has been terrible and I have hit rock bottom. My supervisors are now aware of my problems and have arranged treatment for me after they found out through concerns of a colleague. I feel uncomfortable knowing that others know.

I am finding that my worry is cycling between two things. But rather than ruminating, it's as though the concerns are 'just there' and I'm numb, extremely miserable and resigned to feeling this way for good. I guess this is me coming to terms? It doesn't feel positive. I cannot explain it, not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling? Have had it for a few days now. I can only describe it as feeling as though I've given up.

[malina]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

This week has been terrible and I have hit rock bottom. My supervisors are now aware of my problems and have arranged treatment for me after they found out through concerns of a colleague. I feel uncomfortable knowing that others know.

I am finding that my worry is cycling between two things. But rather than ruminating, it's as though the concerns are 'just there' and I'm numb, extremely miserable and resigned to feeling this way for good. I guess this is me coming to terms? It doesn't feel positive. I cannot explain it, not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling? Have had it for a few days now. I can only describe it as feeling as though I've given up.

I'm sorry that the week has been so terrible. Maybe getting some help isn't a bad thing, I know it's an uncomfortable feeling that others notice when something is wrong but at the end of the day, it's okay to let your guard down sometimes. You're really struggling and you don't seem to have any support but you need it, we all do. 

I think the numb feeling you're describing in emotional/mental exhaustion. You've been dealing with so much that you just don't have the energy left to ruminate or worry. This feeling is awful but it won't last forever. 

[Headwreck]

Thanks Malina. Help is needed, although not happy with how it's came about. Outside of that I have nobody to turn to so feel like I'm crumbling.

The numbness has gone and worry has returned. Want to confess to my partner but trying not to. It seems as though whatever I do I'm stuck in a living hell. Trying to take my mind off but nothing is helping. Also dreading work tomorrow as do not think I'm fit for the job and my confidence is as low as can be. I think I should quit my job and separate from my partner as I feel this would solve my concerns. At the moment everything feels wrong, very wrong. I desperately need to correct it. 

Will keep trying to take my mind off but nothing is cutting it right now.

[Headwreck]

I honestly believe that the reason why I am struggling to overcome everything is because I have nothing outside of these worries. My life is my worries and anxiety. I have nothing to look forward to, no friends to spend time with, family are not interested. I have no money to spend on nice things or to do nice things with.

When life is so insular and you are literally living one day to the next just to work whilst you're living hell in your head, there isn't a lot to be positive for or turn your mind to. I never thought I would end up like this.

[dksea]

8 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I think I should quit my job and separate from my partner as I feel this would solve my concerns.

And if it doesn't? You'll have no job and no partner and still have your problems.  Your problem (at least a big one right now) is OCD.  Changing jobs won't stop you from having/struggling with OCD.  Leaving your partner won't stop you from having/struggling with OCD.
 

8 hours ago, Headwreck said:

At the moment everything feels wrong, very wrong. I desperately need to correct it. 

I understand that need, we all understand it.  It makes sense of course, something is wrong and you want to fix it, that's very natural.  But as the old saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day".  There's no quick fix for OCD.  You CAN get better, but you need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time (sometimes even just a few minutes at a time).  The number one thing you should do if at all possible is speak with your doctor or a mental health professional as soon as possible to put together a plan on how you are going to deal with this.  Consider whether you'd be wiling to try medication to help make the hard work you are going to have to do easier/more manageable.  
 

8 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I honestly believe that the reason why I am struggling to overcome everything is because I have nothing outside of these worries. My life is my worries and anxiety. I have nothing to look forward to, no friends to spend time with, family are not interested. I have no money to spend on nice things or to do nice things with.

When you are struggling just to keep your head above water, so to speak, its not surprising you haven't had time/energy to devote to building these other things.  It would be great if you had something specific you wanted to work towards along side recovery from OCD, but honestly recovery from OCD is a worthy goal in and of itself.  Consider that if you can get a good hold of that, you're mind will be freer to engage in other activities, to find new friends, to look for more things to enjoy.  

[Headwreck]

Again have had another bad week. Work is causing me severe anxiety. I think I am out of my depth and unable to do the job even though supervision and other colleagues say I can but I feel like they are lying or unable to see how incompatible I am because I can hide it well. I feel I have to quit. I don't know if this is an OCD thing or just a general concern that anyone would have, it's hard to know what is a normal worry and what isn't.

Also I am finding I have numerous worries now cycling each day more than they ever have. I am getting stuck on worries daily, mainly about things I have said or done in the past. I brought one up to my partner the other day and he now says he refuses to discuss as he said that I get stuck on one thing for a few weeks and then move onto something else, then something else, then something else. He says he is used to this behaviour from me now as he has seen it for years from me and is not going to talk about things with me anymore as talking about them is making them real when they are not - as far as he is concerned at least. So where does that leave me. I have sat down trying to make a list of compulsions. A lot of the time I only feel as though I need to speak about my worries and then obviously rumination, there doesn't seem to be any other compulsions so I often wonder if it is only generalised anxiety disorder rather than OCD as rumination is also a part of GAD.

Cheating worry is always in the back of my mind but I am cycling between other worries based on things I have done or said in recent years. I have also become acutely anxious about what I say and how I say things, my body language etc. There does not seem to be an end to any of this. I am on the verge of tears constantly and feel like I have given up.

I have another doctors appt in the next few days. I am hoping they can give me something for the anxiety. Is there anything they can give other than SSRI? They are just not cutting it for me.

Edited November 17, 2019 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I'm sorry that I am boring and repetitive, I do honestly appreciate the time people have given me here and I am thankful for the advice even if it seems as though I am not. I am honestly trying to be proactive and approach this all in the best possible way but I feel as though it's pointless and that I'm drowning.

[dksea]

3 hours ago, Headwreck said:

 He says he is used to this behaviour from me now as he has seen it for years from me and is not going to talk about things with me anymore as talking about them is making them real when they are not - as far as he is concerned at least. So where does that leave me.

This is, frustrating as it may seem, the correct behavior on his part.  Listening to your repeated confessions (there's a compulsion for you) isn't going to help you, even though you feel like it is.  While part of overcoming OCD is changing your behavior (i.e. cutting out compulsions) part of it is changing your thinking.  Actively recognizing that these thoughts are driven by OCD, actively equating them not with real risk but OCD, separating out the fact that you feel bad from the idea that feeling bad means something is true, etc.  I highly recommend reading up on the Four Steps method (from the book Brainlock, but you can find summaries online as well).  For me it was a good approach to dealing with rumination and helped me adjust my thinking about OCD.  I found it helpful because its relatively simple and focused on changing the approach to how we deal with OCD related thoughts.  Its a good CBT technique.