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Thank you Dksea. I have looked into that approach a number of times but just doesn't seem to fit with my problem. I also get confused by the revalue stage, I just start questioning if I should be thinking about it again and so it starts again.

I have woken up today in a terrible state anxiety wise. I'm on the verge of tears and I have to go to work shortly but having to physically stop myself from confessing to my partner. I don't know if I have done this or not, I can't remember if I used to know or not either. I think I have a memory of doing it but if that's the case then why don't I feel like I knew about this before? I feel I would have confessed this the next day if I knew I had done it or there was any risk of me doing it. I must also note that there have been other nights out where I've worried about for a while and now I don't think twice. This one just won't leave me alone. I remember confessing to my partner about text messages between me and this male but I was adamant that nothing happened on the night out. Was I lying at that point? Or had I not realised that something had happened? Why wouldn't I mention it then?

I no longer show my partner affection, don't talk to him, I basically treat him like dirt because I feel like a fraud if I do anything different. His life is miserable.

This worry is in my head constantly and I cannot do it anymore. I fear the only way it will stop is when it's run its own course and I start to obsess about something new, exactly like what happened previously. This could take years as it did last time. Based on previous, I have another two years of this before it changes.

Also. I feel I have overstayed my welcome here. All I do is come here and say the same **** and expect people to waste their time responding, just for the cycle to continue. To be honest, I am tired of it all and I know you all are too. 

I don't really know where this leaves me. Medication is not working. I am not functioning in life because of a single mistake made 4 years ago. I have no friends or family. I make my partners Life hell and treat him like dirt whilst leaning on him for support because I'm a selfish piece of garbage. Life is not worthwhile and all that's on the horizon is more of the same. What is the point.

Edited by Headwreck
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No you are not functioning because you are ill.

The thing that you are fixated on (today) may or may not have happened, years ago, and wasn't the worst thing in the world any way. You have confessed this (non)event to everyone and his dog, and no one else is bothered by it.

The only relief you have had is when you decided you had got infected, or that you were bad at your job .

Just because the pieces don't fit neatly into the jigsaw marked OCD,  doesn't mean you don't need help.

Even if you do decide it's OCD, you still need help it's not going to go with out you doing something.

Your life isn't pointless, you interact with people all the time, you have impacted on thier lives as they affect yours.

It may well be a random web of cause and effect, but you are part of it.

You may be the butterfly that causes the storm or saves the world, and you will never know.

 

 

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28 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

The only relief you have had is when you decided you had got infected, or that you were bad at your job .

Yes correct although even then it was still a worry but just not as severe at the time.

29 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

Just because the pieces don't fit neatly into the jigsaw marked OCD,  doesn't mean you don't need help.

This is what I do not understand. I don't think it sounds like or has many characteristics of OCD aside from the obsessional aspect of it but this is also a trait of depression and GAD. Maybe on that basis, it probably isn't OCD, especially when I look at other people's posts and see how much they are suffering through no fault of their own and I'm crying over things I've caused myself.

I'm lost, and have no more fight left. No matter how I try to approach it, it doesn't seem to change anything. Drs will just say I'm depressed, as there isn't much else it can be. Work isn't even a distraction anymore when it should be. I go to work wanting to be at home, then I'm at home and I'm wanting to be in work. I don't deserve to be anywhere.

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You really need to stop fighting us over you actually having OCD. Uou do it because OCD is the doubting disease and you are doubting you have it. The danger is that if you start to brlieve your doubts, you'll tend to not put the effort into fixing the problem, because you don't believe it's OCD.

I'm not going to, yet again, go over why you have OCD and why your cheating obsession is OCD. Just go with it. You have OCD. Period.

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12 hours ago, Headwreck said:

but if that's the case then why don't I feel like I knew about this before?

Because you have a mental illness called OCD
 

12 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I am not functioning in life because of a single mistake made 4 years ago.

No, you are not functioning because you are obsessing about a possible memory of a possible mistake (that probably didn't even happen), there is a difference.  The issue is not what did or did not happen 4 years ago, its your fixation on it and unwillingness to accept that you may never know for sure AND DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.  You are playing OCD's game and OCD will always win when you play its game.
 

12 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I no longer show my partner affection, don't talk to him, I basically treat him like dirt because I feel like a fraud if I do anything different. His life is miserable.

Think about this for a second.  You are terrified about the possibility of maybe having done something wrong years ago, so as a result you are willing to neglect your own partner because if you didn't you would what? Treat him poorly?  You are already doing that!  He and you are ALREADY suffering as if the worst of your fears was true.  No "what if" about it.  You are behaving completely illogically because you are playing OCD's game.  It would be far better for both you AND him to show him affection.  To talk to him.  To treat him AND YOURSELF like decent people and stop focusing on this one moment from the past you can't even prove happened.  You are allowing OCD to call the shots rather than doing so on your own.  

 

11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

This is what I do not understand. I don't think it sounds like or has many characteristics of OCD aside from the obsessional aspect of it but this is also a trait of depression and GAD. Maybe on that basis, it probably isn't OCD, especially when I look at other people's posts and see how much they are suffering through no fault of their own and I'm crying over things I've caused myself.

It has ALL the characteristics of OCD.  All of them.  Worrying about things you have done or may have done is utterly common among OCD sufferers.  Its also a common topic around here.  People who worry they may have accidentally hit someone with their car.  People who worry about having "contaminated" other people.  Heck in one other thread going on right now on this forum a sufferer is obsessed with having slightly pressed on a soft spot on their babies head at some point in the past and is convinced this will cause permanent brain damage to the child (ignoring the advice and reassurance of actual doctors on this one).  You think worrying about something you MIGHT have done isn't common with OCD?  Its par for the course.  Your worries may seem special and unique and different from every other sufferer, but they really aren't.  The only thing that really separates what you are dealing with from what other OCD sufferers are dealing with is that YOU are dealing with it.  Thats about it.  Of course you are going to perceive your own problems differently, you experience them first hand.  You can read about someone else problems and maybe even imagine them, but you aren't going to feel them like you do your own.  Its a mistake to assume that makes your problems special or different.  When you do so you aren't thinking objectively.

 

12 hours ago, Headwreck said:

All I do is come here and say the same **** and expect people to waste their time responding, just for the cycle to continue.

So break the cycle.  CHOOSE to respond to your OCD differently.  Seek out help from a qualified professional.  Start telling yourself and acting like this isn't a big deal (because its not).  You don't have to BELIEVE its not a big deal at first.  You can think it probably is and you are being a jerk by pretending its not.  DO IT ANYWAY.  Part of how I recovered from my own OCD hell periods was forcing myself to do things I didn't want to but knew I should.  Didn't feel like getting up in the morning? Forced myself to get out of bed.  Didn't want to leave the house? Forced myself to go to the store.  Didn't want to go to a social event with friends because of my worry?  Forced myself to go anyway.  And you know what? Often times, especially at first, I didn't really have a blast, I still felt a lot of anxiety.  But I made a step, I did something in spite of the OCD.  Not because I was especially talented or skilled, but because I made a choice, because I was stubborn.  And it was hard.  And it sucked.  And I wished I could just go and have fun rather than forcing myself to go and merely tolerate it.  But you know what?  Over time I DID have fun again.  I did stop feeling crippling anxiety at the thought of going to a social event.  Yes medication helped, yes therapy helped, but ultimately I still had to make the choice to do things.  It wasn't "wait til your better THEN do things" it was "DO things THEN it will help you become better".   You can wait for the anxiety to resolve itself or be replaced by something new, but you'll have a lot better chance of happiness and success if you don't wait.  If you force yourself to do things despite what OCD says.  Not because you'll be happy right away, but because NOT doing things will mean you remain miserable.  Break the cycle, its up to you.
 

 

 

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Thank you for the responses. I have been trying to believe it is OCD over the past few days. It's difficult. Have also been trying not to ruminate but I'm finding new things to worry about all the time and it's hard to say that they are overblown because of OCD as they are new and not been considered before.

I have been on and off my medication over the past few weeks because the side effects were causing disruption in work so have only taken it once or twice. I've took it for the past three days consecutively and I am feeling very anxious and depressed. I understand this is a side effect but is it normal for it to be that fast? I couldn't sleep all night and this morning I have got out of bed wanting to quit my job. I can't because of issues at home. I don't know if the medication is causing me to feel like this.

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Morning Headwreck

It sounds like you’re going through the mill presently. Forgive my not yet being familiar with your history and situation. Is the medication to which you refer an antidepressant? If so, I can report from personal experience that the first few days and weeks can be rough. So, yes, the way you’re feeling could, at least in part, be a consequence of the meds. I also know that taking them sporadically can worsen side effects. So, if you’ve been prescribed them and you’re determined to give them a fair chance, you really need to take them consistently. The side effects, whilst bothersome, should lessen over time.

I myself quit a job many moons ago because of difficulties with my mental wellbeing. For me, it proved to be a monumental mistake. For all the unpleasantness that work often yields, once it’s removed from one’s daily routine, what’s left is a gaping hole just waiting to be filled with worry and rumination. Everyone is different of course. And it’s a call only you can make.

I wonder if you’ve ever engaged in any kind of therapeutic treatment designed to help you build resilience. The NHS provide groups specifically aimed towards equipping one with the tools to cope with difficult emotions. It might be worth asking your GP for a referral to CMHT if you haven’t already done so.

I hope life begins to go a little easier on you today. And, if it doesn’t, be mindful that we are all capable of far more than we credit ourselves for. Wishing you a peaceful day.

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Thank you Equinoxygen. I'll be honest I've had maybe the worst day I've had yet in work. Wanted to come home. Didn't want to be home either. Suicidal thoughts. Constant putting myself down. Almost telling my boss I quit. Blushing and stuttering, can't get my words out when people talk to me. Mind is blank when people talk to me. Can't be bothered to reply when people speak to me, just want convo to end. These are all things I always have permanently but today it all feels intensified. I hope this is just the Sertraline and not my new level of low as can't go much lower.

I also think I see people smirking at one another when they have to work with me. I think I'm starting to get a reputation of being a weirdo, quiet and boring. I don't think I can do all of this for much longer.

Sorry I understand this may not be OCD related.

Edited by Headwreck
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1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I see people smirking at one another when they have to work with me. I think I'm starting to get a reputation of being a weirdo

It’s possible. It’s also possible that your colleagues have something or someone else entirely on their minds. Perhaps they’re just happy in their work. Or maybe they’re simpletons, vacantly grinning and gurning the day away! Who can say for sure?

I think what might be at play here is a touch of overanalysing on your part. Completely understandable. When we’re not feeling tip-top it’s common to emphasise the negative. 

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

Blushing and stuttering, can't get my words out when people talk to me

Might you be the only one who noticed? In my experience, other folk are so absorbed by their own tedious lives, they have very little interest in what others may or may not be going through.

I appreciate that life is tough at the mo. These troughs invariably give way to the next peak given sufficient time. Try, if you can, not to give too much attention to how you perceive yourself currently. You don’t need the added pressure of such subjective scrutiny.

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  • 1 year later...

Hi headwreck I now have this exact ocd and very similar situation happened at work. I've been in bed crying all day terrified just wanting a test to be sure but know that I cant have one for a while. I dont want to bring this ocd up for you again but did you get hep b in the end? I too have the same thought patterns you're describing about is it ocd or real

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On 05/11/2019 at 17:25, Headwreck said:

Well I almost booked the Dr today to get tested but I didn't do it even though I was desperate. Surely that is a good start?

My partner doesn't seem worried and a doctor has told me it's like a 0.1% chance, basically his words were slim enough chance to stop worrying and forget it. But I don't know why I am, it's like I've stored it as another worry to my list. I think maybe the doctor didn't realise the cut on my knuckle was open very tiny amount even though I showed him the photo. It wasn't the best quality photo and the cut wasn't scabbed over, just closed where it wasn't bleeding and in the very early process of starting to scab.

One minute I'm okay and then the next I remember what happened and then I'm not okay. I am currently wanting to bring it up to my partner to see if he thinks I should be worried. He usually says it's nothing to worry about but if I want to get checked then I should. So then the fact he says I should get checked makes me panic. I'm trying so hard not to talk about this to anyone. The cheating thing is still in the back of my mind too.

This is such a horrible existence. Why can't I just be like everyone else.

I'm going through the same thing with my partner he says it's nothing to worry about but then says if I want to get tested just get tested and then I'm panicking because he says that.

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