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Struggling; ashamed


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Hello all

I've had a pretty horrible week. It's hard to know where to start, but I don't want to keep it all in. I tried to deal with it alone with the help of my best friend, but I just couldn't. 

Last Friday - nearly a week ago - I defied a lot of inner-feeling and did something that I flippantly assumed would be okay - feeling the fear and doing it anyway - but it didn't feel okay and it got my OCD going. I was at work all weekend and had an endless cycle of 'oh, it's fine, it's only this, it's fine,' going around my head and it got worse and worse and worse. I tried to amend the activity as best as I could, but it didn't help and I fell into an anxiety spiral. I feel so stupid and wish I hadn't done the thing at all, but I don't know how to take it back without upsetting people and making them think badly of me. I thought maybe I could amend it in some way, but I haven't figured out to, yet.

In the meantime, I've been left completely, mentally and even physically exhausted. I haven't had any time to myself this week to sort myself out as we had a family gathering on Monday, my only day off and I feel like I'm crawling along on my knees. I'm meant to start work at 1 today and I don't have the strength to get out of bed, but I can't afford the sickdays and don't want to risk it. My best friend has been lovely but I don't want to pile this all on her and right now, I can't take anyone else's problems on top of trying to deal with my OCD going utterly around the twist. It sounds heartless, but while waiting to be dismissed last night, I went to sit down for five minutes for a bit of peace and a colleague came in with her own issues, which I just couldn't handle right then. I don't want to bother my brothers, because they're busy and my dad is about to go off to Italy. He knew my OCD had kicked off, but we didn't have a chance to talk about it. I spoke to my stepmother about it; I hoped it was over, but it just feels like it's there when I wake up in the morning, ready to pounce.

I feel so embarrassed and stupid and have been suffering suicidal contemplation because I hate myself for this and I hate that something so small led me to this. Another friend has been trying to help me as well; it all comes down to me writing all sorts of things and she urged me to just keep writing, but I don't know what I can share with the world and what I can't and when I try to publish certain materials, I feel immersed in guilt.

I don't know, I just feel like I've spent my twenties worrying and I feel so held back and like I'm missing out; I feel like I'm not allowed to do certain things and yet I don't want to be some sort of fuddy-duddy, some horrible, prejudiced little homophobe. I don't want my OCD to close my mind up. I've been through this once before and I just can't stand going through it again. I feel like it's wasting my time; I just want to live and be happy, but I don't know how to be happy and carefree and normal. My psychologist told me a long time to be a little more naughty, but how naughty is too naughty? I don't know if scrupulosity is involved here somewhere; maybe it is? I just feel no-one can help me and I'm beyond helping. I don't know how to handle this. I want to be sensible, but I also want to live and I keep questioning myself. The things I write are enjoyable but when it comes to publication, I try and trim them down, and perhaps take some of the charm out of them because I'm trying to avoid 'sinful' things; I keep feeling besieged by that quotation from the Bible; if your hand makes you sin, cut it off; lose a part of yourself rather than your whole self in Hell. It's hard to balance your beliefs with the person you are, you feel like there's a constant war going on inside you and you're wondering if you should be the person God made you as, or you have to make sacrifices to be someone else worthy.

Sorry for all this drivel. I'm so tired and I wanted to enjoy Halloween. But I feel so beyond it. I'm tired of my anxiety ruining everything. 

C x

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So sorry to hear you're struggling, Cub.
I'm not sure what advice I can give other than what I usually try to tell myself when going through an especially bad patch... you are really strong, but you also have a serious mental health condition, so you need love, care and support. That can come from others, but you can give it to yourself too - after all, we know how best we feel and how much of a struggle it can be.
You said it's hard for you to take days off, but is that something you could do if you're feeling especially rubbish? I used to feel bad about taking mental health days off, but I try and equate it to physical health now... no one would expect you to come hobbling into work if you were having a physical health crisis.

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HI Cub,

Sorry you are having a hard time.

5 hours ago, Cub said:

Last Friday - nearly a week ago - I defied a lot of inner-feeling and did something that I flippantly assumed would be okay - feeling the fear and doing it anyway - but it didn't feel okay and it got my OCD going. I was at work all weekend and had an endless cycle of 'oh, it's fine, it's only this, it's fine,' going around my head and it got worse and worse and worse. I tried to amend the activity as best as I could, but it didn't help and I fell into an anxiety spiral. I feel so stupid and wish I hadn't done the thing at all, but I don't know how to take it back without upsetting people and making them think badly of me. I thought maybe I could amend it in some way, but I haven't figured out to, yet.

I often find it hard when i challenge my ocd in some way and think i will be able to handle it ok and then it gives me a harder time than expected. I know its really hard to not fall into compulsions when the anxiety feels so terrible, but doing compulsions (reassurance seeking, attempting to make amends etc) is actually what makes it feel worse.

The road to recovery is not an easy one and i know how lousy it can make us feel when the ocd really gets going. Try your best to just move on with things and not give this  any more attention. The anxiety will bound to be there for a while but if you can just let it be rather than trying to make it go away, it will pass.

It's very good that you have some good supportive friends and family around. 

Wishing you well--hope you can enjoy halloween!

 

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On 31/10/2019 at 10:59, Torsa said:

So sorry to hear you're struggling, Cub.
I'm not sure what advice I can give other than what I usually try to tell myself when going through an especially bad patch... you are really strong, but you also have a serious mental health condition, so you need love, care and support. That can come from others, but you can give it to yourself too - after all, we know how best we feel and how much of a struggle it can be.
You said it's hard for you to take days off, but is that something you could do if you're feeling especially rubbish? I used to feel bad about taking mental health days off, but I try and equate it to physical health now... no one would expect you to come hobbling into work if you were having a physical health crisis.

Thankyou, Torsa. I would like to take some time off work as it's all been very difficult but can't afford the sick-days. I have today off and am considering going to see a doctor as I can't cope; I called Samaritans today to share my suicidal feelings. I don't quite know how to love myself, sadly. I am trying to care for myself adequately and my colleagues have been super-supportive but right now I feel like I just can't cope. I love my family, but I've always been pushed to do my very best in everything, including soldiering on through work if it gets bad, particularly by my brother who tells me I need to tough it out. I know he only tells me that because he cares and he doesn't want me to lose my job, but I keep hearing that in my head. I've been so bad at work this week and have just wanted to curl up in corners. 

I appreciate your kind words and support. Thankyou so much. :hug: 

21 hours ago, leif said:

HI Cub,

Sorry you are having a hard time.

I often find it hard when i challenge my ocd in some way and think i will be able to handle it ok and then it gives me a harder time than expected. I know its really hard to not fall into compulsions when the anxiety feels so terrible, but doing compulsions (reassurance seeking, attempting to make amends etc) is actually what makes it feel worse.

The road to recovery is not an easy one and i know how lousy it can make us feel when the ocd really gets going. Try your best to just move on with things and not give this  any more attention. The anxiety will bound to be there for a while but if you can just let it be rather than trying to make it go away, it will pass.

It's very good that you have some good supportive friends and family around. 

Wishing you well--hope you can enjoy halloween!

 

Hi leif

Yeah, you can say that again! I'm trying not to make it worse, but it's very difficult. I can't not give it any attention because it hurts like hell and I don't know how to cope. I just found all these wider questions came up and I didn't know how to deal, at all. I don't know how to just let the anxiety be there without getting wound up about it, if that makes sense. I really try not to seek reassurance; with me, it comes from interactions with my friends and comparing myself to others, rather than just being myself; I fall itno the trap of 'well, they do this, so why can't I? Why can't I be a little more hang-loose?' It's hard to just let it be without engaging, especially if I believe there's something I might be able to do about it. I just can't leave things alone and am always striving for perfectionism, but where does that leave me long-term? It feels like it leaves me without nothing. 

Thankyou for the advice and for the good wishes; sadly, I didn't enjoy Halloween at all as I was on late shift and then came home and sat on the sofa for ages feeling really depressed. I couldn't even have a pumpkin. Sorry for the negativity; it's been a very difficult week. 

Thankyou both for your kindnesses,

C x :hug: 

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2 hours ago, Cub said:

I have today off and am considering going to see a doctor as I can't cope; I called Samaritans today to share my suicidal feelings.

Hi Cub, 

I hope you do go to see the doctor--are you on any meds currently? Meds really helped me to move through some of the much harder times.

2 hours ago, Cub said:

I don't know how to just let the anxiety be there without getting wound up about it, if that makes sense. I really try not to seek reassurance; with me, it comes from interactions with my friends and comparing myself to others, rather than just being myself; I fall itno the trap of 'well, they do this, so why can't I? Why can't I be a little more hang-loose?' It's hard to just let it be without engaging, especially if I believe there's something I might be able to do about it. I just can't leave things alone and am always striving for perfectionism, but where does that leave me long-term?

Letting the anxiety be is terribly hard I know, even when we know that doing compulsions hurts us in the longer term, and can even make the anxiety worsen in the very short term, it's very hard to not go down that road. It's especially hard when we are hit with the higher anxiety levels in a surprising way (for me anyhow it's always harder when i wasn't expecting to feel anxious about something!)

All we can do is keep working at it. The hard times do pass. I know sometimes I've had nights where I've just been so physically ill from anxiety. It feels awful. Eventually it does pass though.

Take good care of yourself, go to the doctor, keep reaching out.

We're here for you.

:hug:

 

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Thanks Leif

Unfortunately, things don't seem to have much improved; I've got a massive headache and haven't felt right all day. I've been feeling quite isolated and depressed; I didn't go to the doctor in the end and now wish I had. I made a nice meal to try and keep my nutrition up, but I just feel so sad. I'm trying to do a few things I like, but I have to go back to work tomorrow and just don't feel I can cope. I feel like such a failure, worrying about the stuff I'm worrying about and feel like I would be better off dead. Like I can't accomplish anything and I have never accomplished things and am just a sad, lonely loser. I don't know if I can face work tomorrow. I feel so rigid and unhappy and left out - everyone else posted really cool pictures of what they did Halloween and I was working all of it and feeling really isolated. There's a party in London tomorrow but I'm worried about going as I'm scared I won't get back and I'm in two minds about it. 

I'm sorry to sound so unhappy. I just feel like I have nothing to show for what I am and keep thinking about killing myself. I want to tell someone how I feel but there's nobody. I just don't know how to stop worrying and be different because everything seems blocked off by my own rigidity. 

Thanks again for the support. Sorry to sound so whiny.

C x

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