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Trying not to engage but it's too hard


Guest Paul92

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20 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

I've told myself from today onwards I wont think anything sexual about anyone else.

Good luck with that!

I think you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I mean you are familiar with 

"Don't think of the giant rabbit"?

The way you are going, all you are going to be thinking about is sex!

 

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45 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Like if I have a sexual thought or feeling about another woman I feel terrible. Also if I am talking to another woman at work and I am thinking about them at the same I have this groinal twinge (this just started happening more recently, whenever I talk to someone attractive I seem to have to focus on what my groinal area is doing and not think anything at the same time), I feel like Ive done something really unfair to my girlfriend.

Also the past times when I have thought something about other women, I feel really unfaithful and cut up. I've told myself from today onwards I wont think anything sexual about anyone else. Sure ill find people attractive but ill leave it at that.

Have you considered that the standard of behavior you have set as acceptable/unacceptable is incredibly extreme? Do you really believe that people in living, committed, relationships never have any of the thoughts you have?

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@dksea @Closed for repairs

3 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Good luck with that!

I think you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I mean you are familiar with 

"Don't think of the giant rabbit"?

The way you are going, all you are going to be thinking about is sex!

 

Today I've just been feeling incredibly guilty about the times I've masturbated thinking about someone else. Maybe it is time for me to grow up. Like honestly, it's probably not great to be in a relationship but sometimes thinking of other girls when masturbating, right? Is that normal? To be honest, I think that is something I can do. I'm not single any more (I'm only 3 weeks into this relationship officially, though we have been seeing each other since late August and I have know the girl for almost 2 years), so I think I need to change my behaviour and become an adult. In a way that is a bit of a wake up call that I can accept and just learn from.

 

3 hours ago, dksea said:

Have you considered that the standard of behavior you have set as acceptable/unacceptable is incredibly extreme? Do you really believe that people in living, committed, relationships never have any of the thoughts you have?

 I just don't know. Maybe I need to modify my behaviour and learn from it, as I've put above. But like today at work, if an attractive girl walked in, my focus would go onto my groinal area. I try and avoid thinking about the person who is there and twitching my groin at the same time. If I do that, I feel as though I am sort of like performing an act on myself, if that makes sense? But while I dont want to do it, sometimes an attractive person is there and it happens and I get confused as to what I was thinking at the time. Like the other morning with the thoughts about her sister etc.

I just stood up off my chair to see if my parents had arrived at my house and was thinking about my mum, but I had to force myself not for my groin to twinge, as I don't want to link it with my mum, otherwise I feel as though Ive performed an act on myself when thinking of my mum! Does this make sense?

It's all exhausting.

Fact is, I am terrified I had thoughts that were not involuntary about my GF's sister. Maybe for a split second. Even though, ludicrously, I am not attracted to her at all.

I spoke to my GF last night.

I said my mind had been attacking me for a while about people close to her, to make me think something I shouldnt. And I was scared that I had thought something inappropriate.

She was understanding and said that while she is willing to talk to me, she doesn't want me to confess anything just because I felt like I 'should'. Also, she said that people have all kinds of weird thoughts and she knows I would never be unfaithful to her. She really is lovely. She also said that there is simply nothing that I could confess that would alter how she feels about me and that she really loves me unconditionally. It is me and her against everyone. Obviously my head was then like, "yes, that's all jolly good, but you don't know how terrible this is".

I just don't even know where to start. Or what I should think or anything when I get these worries. I'm very scared.

Edited by Paul92
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Your mind is making a mountain out of a molehill. There's nothing there to think about. 

Yes, your mind is setting off an alarm. Yes, your anxiety shoots up. Yes, you feel guilt. But it's all fake. It's all a big lie conjured up by a part of your mind. You've told us all what happened and we, every one of us, see nothing to be concerned about.

What we do see is your response is way out of proportion to what happened. It's way over the top. Par for the course with OCD.

In addition, you must learn that doing compulsions amplifies the bad place you find yourself in. Compulsions make everything worse.

Give yourself permission to leave this alone. It's not worth the turmoil you are in.

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@Paul92 First, you should really really read what PB wrote and stop to think on it because its really good advice.

Second, you need to understand that a major reason you have so many thoughts related to sex in these situations is precisely because you DON'T want to have them. The whole topic has become such a big focus for you that, of course, you are going to think about it more.  Unfortunately that is how the brain works, the more effort you put in to avoiding a thought, the more strong it becomes.   If you want to break free from this self-fulfilling spiral you need to CHOOSE to respond differently.  You can't choose not to feel anxiety, you can't choose not to have intrusive thoughts, but you can choose how you respond.  It is hard at first, because your responses have becoming habit, you do them almost automatically.  But you can change your responses by making the right kind of effort.

To start, you need to choose to believe that your evaluation of this situation is out of line with reasonable expectations.  The boundary of acceptable/unacceptable you have applied is far far far out of line compared to what people without your particular obsession would use.  You FEEL like its unforgiveably wrong, ok, but you need to decide that even though you get that feeling, that doesn't mean it's true. You need to choose to follow the guidance offered by others here, by those of us in the forum, and especially by your partner, who appears to be very wise in the ways of OCD.   We have all told you that the thoughts you are having are NOT worthy of the panic you are applying.  You need to choose to trust that.  When you start to panic you need to remind yourself that your default judgement is flawed so you need to react differently.  Do this enough over time and your behavior will change, the thoughts will bother you less and less.  You can overcome this, but you need to start making more of the right choices and less of the wrong ones in how you respond.

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@dksea @PolarBear

Thank you both for your posts, you have been constant sources of support for me and I am truly grateful. If there was anything I could ever do in return I really would. If I could send you a hamper of goodies in the post, I really would!

I've read both your posts and I am not going to go back through my fears again. I am at work now and today I have been having a lot of thoughts and its been a struggle. However, I am trying to change my approach. It's tough, really hard. But I am willing to try.

I'm completely ignoring try not to think about someone and feeling the groinal twinge at the same time. I feel like is like a link and confirmation I am feeling something about that individual. I am just trying to ignore it. If the twinge/feeling is there, I will just carry on with what I am doing and if I get a thought, just ignore it.

Also, there have been a couple of times where I have second guessed my intentions behind doing something. For instance, I was joking with a colleague and doing a silly accent, and I questioned whether I'd done it to impress a girl who was standing there. Trying not to even think about it.

Is it really a case of just not thinking about it and carrying on? Will it ever get to the point where I don't have to remind myself to carry on etc.

There's a really horrible girl where I work but aesthetically, she is attractive, for some reason. Can't stand her personality, but for whatever reason aesthetically my mind thinks she attractive. My girlfriend really dislikes the girl and would be a bit shocked if I said I didn't think she was ugly. And I had a weird thought of this girl like doing like a flirtatious dance. I feel like it might have been one of those moments where I think things that I shouldn't think. But not sure. Does it matter? Do I just ignore it?

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@Closed for repairs

I see what you're saying. But if you read my last post, I really just want advise on what to do in situations now. I don't know how it got this bad at all. Literally it has been none stop all day today trying to make me feel as though I have been unfaithful or unfair to my GF. What do I think in certain situations?

Is it really as simple as just ignoring it and carrying on with what I am doing?

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Paul, if you handle this right, and that mostly means not handling it at all, you will reach a point where you simply don't care. You'll have meaningful relationships with other people, be able to think of them as attractive and what not, and it won't bother you at all. In short, you'll be just like most other people.

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@gingerbreadgirl Thank you for the post. However, I really don't think I could do that. I certainly couldn't flirt with another girl. I just couldn't do that to my GF. I have fantasised about people in the past while being in a relationship, but I feel like I didn't really realise what I was doing and it really is time to change that behaviour as I don't really think it is fair.

I'm really struggling with interacting with women at the moment, especially ones I find attractive. It's like I am constantly question whether I did anything to: 1) Make myself appear more attractive 2) Give any sort of signals to them to indicate I am interested 3) Flirt 4) Make them laugh 5) Have any sort of fantasy thought about that etc And sometimes if I find someone really attractive I actually avoid them now in fear of having an inappropriate thought. I just don't want to be unfair to my GF.

@PolarBear Would you recommend what gingerbreadgirl has said? Or is it a case of just acting like you don't care and not getting into questioning anything? Can I really get to a point where this is all in the past?

A few weeks ago I was really happy that I had not gotten into confessing anything again in this relationship. I did a few things I am not proud of now, a few times I might have thought about some other people. I realise this might not have been fair behaviour and I have cut it out. But the thoughts are intrusive.

And the obviously the thing about her sister, where I kept trying to get the thoughts out of my head but I worried that for a split second I had liked it or whatever. God I could never forgive myself for that if I had.

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I also seem to struggle what's an intrusive thought or not. Is this common? For instance, I used to have a really weird sexual fantasy and I never wanted to associate my partner with it. What I mean is, I never wanted to think of my partner in that fantasy. So earlier I was batting it away and again I felt like I had a genuine thought for half a second but I can't tell what's an intrusive thought. I felt like I thought it. But at the same time I didn't want to. Just confusing. 

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11 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Thoughts mean nothing seriously you could think about anything you wanted all day long and it would mean nothing. 

Its good that you can see it like that but I'm really not so sure :( I feel that thoughts are of importance. What's the difference between me thinking and fantasising about wanting to cheat on my partner and doing it? The intent is there. I mean I haven't done that, just an example 

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14 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I guess by that logic if I daydream about punching an annoying person in the face should I be locked up for assault? 

Haha no of course not. But I think how someone thinks can indicate their desires and character. As I've said, I worry what my girlfriend would think about my thoughts and how it reflects on me. If she knew what I thought she might not want anything to do with me 

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2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

If she knew what I thought she might not want anything to do with me 

Paul there's a kind of unintentional arrogance there, how do you know your girlfriend doesn't have libidinous thoughts about other people? (It would be weird if she didn't) 

 

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2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

What's the difference between me thinking and fantasising about wanting to cheat on my partner and doing it? The intent is there. I mean I haven't done that, just an example 

One is a thought, the other is an action.  Thats all there is to it.  GBG's example is perfect.
 

5 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I did a few things I am not proud of now, a few times I might have thought about some other people. I realise this might not have been fair behaviour and I have cut it out.

If you manage to never find another person attractive or think about another person or fantasize about them or in any way act in a positive manner towards the opposite sex you would almost certainly be the first person in the history of the human race to do so.

You are trying to adhere to an impossible, absolutist, standard of behavior that is far far far outside what the average, reasonable person would do.  As PB says, you need to trust us that your thinking and reactions are over the top.  Because of OCD your evaluation is compromised in this area.  Knowing that you have to change how you react.  Think of it like driving a car, if your gas (petrol) gauge is faulty and you know when it indicates 1/4 full that means empty, you wouldn't keep driving assuming its 1/4 full right?  Same here, your gauge is broken, you have to adjust your response based on that knowledge.

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I believe it's actions that count. If you feel attracted to other people but choose not to act on it I think that shows your character far more than if you never felt attraction  - it shows that despite the fact that you have normal human feelings you are choosing to remain faithful and committed to your partner, you are rising above those impulses. It shows commitment, love and strength of character. 

I think you are making a serious cognitive error in the value you place upon thoughts and I think you are severely misunderstanding what is normal for other people.  Until you address this you will continue to suffer. 

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4 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I believe it's actions that count. If you feel attracted to other people but choose not to act on it I think that shows your character far more than if you never felt attraction  - it shows that despite the fact that you have normal human feelings you are choosing to remain faithful and committed to your partner, you are rising above those impulses. It shows commitment, love and strength of character. 

I think you are making a serious cognitive error in the value you place upon thoughts and I think you are severely misunderstanding what is normal for other people.  Until you address this you will continue to suffer. 

:goodpost:

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I do trust you guys about what you're saying. I know what's it's like to have that outside perspective and it does help. Clearly, something needs to change with me I just need to work on it. I find myself in so many tricky situations and I just don't know what I should be thinking or doing in that moment..

 

And obviously the thoughts I've had, what if they were genuine. I know you might not think thoughts are of any significance, but I don't think it is as clear cut as that. 

 

Thanks everyone for your support. I was fine for a long time with my partner but this last couple of weeks it's really been attacking her and trying to make me feel awful 

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