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I have to apologise for the way I was on the last post. It was really disrespectful to you all. Anyway, I decided to stop posting on the forum because I am convinced my problem is not ocd. I'm writing out why all my thoughts/feelings etc are true and I am clearly the odd one out. I know, why post here then? Because I feel I have no other choice, also I am clearly addicted to this forum.  I could only stay off it for a week. I know people aren't going to be happy about me posting here.

I feel really alone and miserable. It's just been an awful time for me. I feel bad about complaining because its not even a big deal, people have it worse. I've been telling myself that all of this is true. I'll say out loud that I'm in denial (when I'm alone) and detail all the reasons why and there is a huge list that just gets even more convincing. I'm not really sure what to do anymore because I just feel like there's no use. I'm still suicidal at this point because it all came true (why am I saying that? It was always true and I didn't know it). 

The thing is all these things are happening and I can only think that is because this is genuinely me:

  • I get feelings that I am attracted to my family 
  • I feel like I've felt that my entire life and never knew about it.
  • Feel aroused by this type of stuff (just happens) 
  • I go onto these sites and everything resonates with me.
  • I'm going through my denial stage (like the five stages of grief - I felt anger tonight) 
  • Whenever a family member touches me I feel aroused. I also feel like this electricity and it stays on my skin like hours after its happened. Not even thinking about it beforehand, so I'm not anticipating a response, which would suggest natural attraction.
  • Feel really uncomfortable around my family.
  • Feel like I only care about people finding out and not that I am actually this person 
  • Feel so uncomfortable when anyone talks about me starting a family one day to the point where I don't want it anymore. 
  • I feel like a liar/fraud
  • Feel like I don't care. Actually feel anxious when I think about me recovering and going back to 'normal' (like it wouldn't be my true nature - thats a red flag for me) 
  • I'm using this forum as an excuse.
  • Still young so I'm still discovering myself.

Other things that happened last week:

  • In class and the subject of sexual repression came up in one of my readings. I said in my head 'yeah thats me' not like it popped up. I thought that. 
  • Crowded bus and when I was getting off at my stop I felt like I was aroused because I had to squeeze my way past people.

 

I cannot believe that OCD manipulates people in that way cause I can probably detail my behaviour all the way back. There's so much evidence. I know people have said in my previous posts  there's not but there is. I'm really concerned that I tricked myself into believing it could possibly be OCD. You know you google and think you've found out that its a problem that can be fixed (that's simplifying it, I apologise) and then you realise its who you truly are. Logically, you would want to believe that it is OCD rather than this. But, the only way someone can get better is to accept it and I'm trying its just making me depressed. I'm still going onto these forums and I will say to myself that it is me. It sucks. No one cares anyway. I've annoyed you guys enough. But, I'm just really in a bad place. Well, I think I am. Like, I'm not happy. To be honest I've haven't been 'happy' for a long time. The point is that selfishly I need to get my feelings out. 

Edited by don't know
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I am sorry that you continue to suffer.

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I cannot believe that OCD manipulates people in that way cause I can probably detail my behaviour all the way back.

You can choose to believe that, but you are wrong.  OCD manipulates people in exactly the ways you claim it doesn't.
One of, if not the biggest stumbling block is your unwillingness to accept that you do not know how OCD works and how it can affect someone.
If you want to choose to believe that your problem is not OCD, that is up to you.
However you really should stop claiming that OCD does or does not do certain things.  You are almost always wrong about that.


 

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I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. You're not "addicted" to this forum, you are simply in a lot of pain and we happen to be the people who know your story and can offer you some advice. I'm also sorry that you feel that you annoy people, but there is always something you can do to change that ? You have to realise that we are all just people with OCD and respond to you because we want to help, we get nothing out of this. There are many people now who have taken a lot of time to talk to you and think of responses that will help you. I think that the least you could do is to acknowledge the effort that people put into helping you by listening to some of these responses. I think everyone understands how much pain you're in, but it frankly gets frustrating and exhausting putting the time and effort into responding to someone who will only rebuke what you have to say and who doesn't take anything at all into consideration. 

I really feel for you and I'm sorry that you suffer from a mental illness and that you aren't getting much support and that you have encountered some unhelpful mental health professionals in the past. However, you need to realise that what you are doing now isn't helping you, it is only making things worse. I'm not sure what it's going to take to make you realise that, but I do hope you keep coming to this forum and I really do hope that we are able to help you in some way. 

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I'm really sorry, I'm not trying to say that it doesn't manipulate other people's feelings. I'm saying it doesn't feel like that for me. Like today, I got up and I felt as though I was actually into these things, wasn't anxious or panicking and felt like I missed it. That to me feels like something else. That's just me though. I know I make these blanket statements but thats how I feel. 

Paradoxer, I'm sorry I don't understand what you're trying to say. 

It really feels like I am addicted to the forum though. I feel like the odd one out and that's completely my fault, I accept that, I haven't been kind when you guys have only wanted to help. I am sorry for the way I've been. I feel awful about it. The thing is I'm not sure what to do next because everything happened. Everything that I was afraid of. Having these attractions, feelings, basically everything that I've written down on the bullet points. Thats all stuff thats happened and I don't even know if I care anymore, but I know its some weird repressed thing that happens when you hide yourself for so long. 

 

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3 hours ago, don't know said:

I'm really sorry, I'm not trying to say that it doesn't manipulate other people's feelings. I'm saying it doesn't feel like that for me. Like today, I got up and I felt as though I was actually into these things, wasn't anxious or panicking and felt like I missed it. That to me feels like something else. That's just me though. I know I make these blanket statements but thats how I feel. 

Paradoxer, I'm sorry I don't understand what you're trying to say. 

It really feels like I am addicted to the forum though. I feel like the odd one out and that's completely my fault, I accept that, I haven't been kind when you guys have only wanted to help. I am sorry for the way I've been. I feel awful about it. The thing is I'm not sure what to do next because everything happened. Everything that I was afraid of. Having these attractions, feelings, basically everything that I've written down on the bullet points. Thats all stuff thats happened and I don't even know if I care anymore, but I know its some weird repressed thing that happens when you hide yourself for so long. 

 

I'm saying that your lengthy and earnest explanation, assuring everyone don't have OCD - to any informed observer - is itself obviously an OCD  compulsion. 

But since you 'don't' have OCD there's no point in posting here. 

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On 05/11/2019 at 22:58, don't know said:

I'm really concerned that I tricked myself into believing it could possibly be OCD. You know you google and think you've found out that its a problem that can be fixed (that's simplifying it, I apologise) and then you realise its who you truly are. Logically, you would want to believe that it is OCD rather than this. 

You've apologised and I don't want to come across as being harsh here, I feel bad for you and don't want to sound like I'm telling you off but I just couldn't not respond to this. You are not just "simplifying" it, you're completely minimising a disorder that is debilitating to many people. I've seen this many times before in my own life, where people think that you have an anxiety disorder, so it's not that bad, you're just nervous and you can get over it. You say you're addicted to this forum but I feel like you don't really read anyone else's posts because if you did, you'd surely realise how much pain and sheer agony people are in. It's not a problem that can be fixed just like that, we are dealing with a chronic condition that will last our entire lives, people can indeed learn to manage it and be symptom free but many people suffer for years. Moreover, the therapy is very difficult, people who take medication have different responses and some people remain stuck for long periods of their lives, unable to cope. In short, living with OCD is sheer hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

I understand what you are saying, that OCD would give you an explanation for your experiences and that it would mean this wasn't your real nature, so that would be preferable. That is fair enough. But you have to also realise that many people with OCD have these same sexual experiences that you do, they understand that it's OCD and still have to fight tooth and nail to get better. 

The reason I'm saying this to you is that you don't accept the possibility of it being OCD, because you think that is the easy way out. What I'm trying to say is that it really isn't. 

14 hours ago, don't know said:

The thing is I'm not sure what to do next because everything happened. Everything that I was afraid of. Having these attractions, feelings, basically everything that I've written down on the bullet points. Thats all stuff thats happened and I don't even know if I care anymore, but I know its some weird repressed thing that happens when you hide yourself for so long. 

From your list of bullet points it looks as if nothing has actually happened. These are the same things that you have been describing for months and are all your own thoughts and feelings, but in the external world nothing has actually happened or changed. I completely understand that it seems to you like some groundbreaking revelation has happened but to the rest of us it just comes across as more of the same confusion. Moreover, the thoughts and feelings you describe are things we have read from other people on this forum or even felt ourselves, so to us it still seems like OCD. I know you don't have OCD, you have said it a million times and I'm going to stop arguing with you, but frankly I still can't see anything different between what you describe about yourself and someone who has OCD. 

So you say you don't know what to do next. I think that you need to dissociate these sexual feelings you get from your sense of self. You keep describing this as your "true nature" and saying that you are not the person you thought you were. In reality, there is much more to you than these unwanted sensations that you are experiencing. Why should you punish yourself or not be the person you wanted to be because you have feelings and thoughts that you never even asked for. You need to stop responding to every emotion or feeling that you experience. Just accept that you get unwanted feelings and live your life regardless. 

Again, I say all of the above with a great deal of sympathy. I know you're in a lot of pain and none of this is easy for you. 

Edited by malina
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49 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

Malina, I wouldn't take too much offence in anything 'don't know' says ... self-absorbed, myopic, clueless, and with the amount of well intended help thrown her way, exasperating, but offensive, not so much. 

I get you and I don't think it's offensive necessarily but  I just see this attitude in some people that OCD is like an easy way out, that it's so much easier than whatever they imagine their problem to be or that it's not "bad enough" so it can't be true. I guess what I was trying to say is that it's not really an easy way out and that getting it "fixed" isn't an easy thing. 

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5 hours ago, malina said:

I get you and I don't think it's offensive necessarily but  I just see this attitude in some people that OCD is like an easy way out, that it's so much easier than whatever they imagine their problem to be or that it's not "bad enough" so it can't be true. I guess what I was trying to say is that it's not really an easy way out and that getting it "fixed" isn't an easy thing. 

I hear you absolutely malina ... no doubt there are worse things than OCD, but it's a terrible, painful, wasteful, destructive (if it's allowed to be) disorder. And, yes, the number of people who have no understanding of that, is sadly only too manifest. 

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Again, I apologise for causing anyone to be upset. Its really not my intention. I am in no way saying that people are using OCD as an excuse. 

I also read everyone's posts on the forum. There's times where I just want to comment and say its OCD when they genuinely think that their worries are real. I don't because realistically I can't give helpful advice and also they clearly follow a pattern from the things I've read/been told about OCD. It seems obvious but its awful to see the pain they are in. Also saying that its OCD gives them reassurance, and I know you're not supposed to give it. 

I've tried just agreeing with it all or ignoring it and either way its made me miserable. So what's the point? I've said it all before so I'll leave it at that. 

Again, I'm extremely sorry for being out of line. 

Edited by don't know
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20 hours ago, paradoxer said:

. self-absorbed, myopic, clueless, and with the amount of well intended help thrown her way, exasperating, but offensive, not so much. 

No matter how frustrated you might be feeling Paradoxer, please could I ask you not to be rude on a personal level.  It can be frustrating when someone simply cannot see what people are telling them but if that is the case, stop engaging with them & walk away from the thread.

On 05/11/2019 at 22:58, don't know said:

In class and the subject of sexual repression came up in one of my readings

I notice the reference to being "In Class" which would suggest that DK is only a young person.  That often adds a whole other level to someone's difficulty in understanding OCD.  In the 16 years I've been with OCD-UK I've seen hundreds of DK's, most of them (at some stage) with the right help eventually "Get It"

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4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

No matter how frustrated you might be feeling Paradoxer, please could I ask you not to be rude on a personal level.  It can be frustrating when someone simply cannot see what people are telling them but if that is the case, stop engaging with them & walk away from the thread.

I notice the reference to being "In Class" which would suggest that DK is only a young person.  That often adds a whole other level to someone's difficulty in understanding OCD.  In the 16 years I've been with OCD-UK I've seen hundreds of DK's, most of them (at some stage) with the right help eventually "Get It"

OK, Caramoole, I  hear you. 

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6 hours ago, don't know said:

Again, I apologise for causing anyone to be upset. Its really not my intention. I am in no way saying that people are using OCD as an excuse. 

I also read everyone's posts on the forum. There's times where I just want to comment and say its OCD when they genuinely think that their worries are real. I don't because realistically I can't give helpful advice and also they clearly follow a pattern from the things I've read/been told about OCD. It seems obvious but its awful to see the pain they are in. Also saying that its OCD gives them reassurance, and I know you're not supposed to give it. 

I've tried just agreeing with it all or ignoring it and either way its made me miserable. So what's the point? I've said it all before so I'll leave it at that. 

Again, I'm extremely sorry for being out of line. 

It's okay, I think that when people are in a lot of pain they don't necessarily think about everything they are saying and that is fair. No harm done :) 

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6 hours ago, Caramoole said:

No matter how frustrated you might be feeling Paradoxer, please could I ask you not to be rude on a personal level.  It can be frustrating when someone simply cannot see what people are telling them but if that is the case, stop engaging with them & walk away from the thread.

I notice the reference to being "In Class" which would suggest that DK is only a young person.  That often adds a whole other level to someone's difficulty in understanding OCD.  In the 16 years I've been with OCD-UK I've seen hundreds of DK's, most of them (at some stage) with the right help eventually "Get It"

From what I gather, young DK was initially diagnosed as having OCD, only for it then to be questioned and subsequently dismissed by two other health professionals. Furthermore, I question whether it helpful to her to be receiving similar diagnostic pro & dismissive comments via a forum as to whether this is OCD or not? 

I feel sorry for her, and I wish that she would push for specialist help and get an official diagnosis and treatment, because something clearly is causing her unease here.  

 

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13 minutes ago, felix4 said:

I feel sorry for her, and I wish that she would push for specialist help and get an official diagnosis and treatment, because something clearly is causing her unease here.  

 

I agree Felix.  It's imperative she has an accurate diagnosis to ensure the correct help & support.  I am unfamiliar with DK's case and any earlier diagnosis & by whom it was made and on what basis.  All of the fears and thoughts she has described are in line with that of someone suffering from OCD, there is nothing particularly unusual about them.  It could be that she has OCD co-morbid with other mental health issues, I don't know.  It is not beyond the bounds of possibility to be mis-diagnosed either, particularly if by someone whose speciality is not OCD.  Sadly, I would include many therapists & even some Psychiatrists among those whose knowledge of the condition is not always what it should be.

As you know, we are here as a support forum made up from sufferers/ex-sufferers and are not here to diagnose.  Any feedback will be based on information given & personal opinion  based on experience, knowledge & observation.  Occasionally someone may have issues out of that spectrum. If DK has had/is receiving  guidance from experienced, qualified health professionals then it is important that she refers to them and follows their recommendations & guidance.  I'm unclear why this isn't happening.

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On 09/11/2019 at 06:27, don't know said:

The thing is I'm not sure what to do next because everything happened. Everything that I was afraid of. Having these attractions, feelings, basically everything that I've written down on the bullet points. Thats all stuff thats happened and I don't even know if I care anymore, but I know its some weird repressed thing that happens when you hide yourself for so long.

Could it be repression? Maybe.  Could it be OCD? I think so, but maybe it's not.  Regardless of what your problem is, it's highly unlikely you are going to figure it out and solve it on your own.  So what should you do next? Get professional help!  You are not trained or equipped to handle this on your own, very few of us are.  Luckily there are people who are trained and equipped to help you, if you let them.  I know you talk about having had mixed experiences with mental health professionals in the past, and that's unfortunate.  Its not an exact science and people aren't perfect.  But professional help is still your best bet for any kind of recovery.  If you don't want to get professional help that is, of course, your choice, but regardless of whether or not your problem is OCD, that's what I would recommend to someone suffering as you are.  Other than that we can't really offer much support since this is an OCD support forum and you don't believe your problem is OCD.

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I basically went to see someone and I thought what I could be dealing with was OCD. They said it couldn't be because it didn't sound like OCD and also they used the example of a client of theirs having to stop the sessions in order to wash their hands multiple times. I was never told that I had anything but my anxiety and depressions levels were normal for a girl my age at the time. They didn't diagnose me with anything. I was then referred back a couple of years later. I was told that I was dealing with OCD, did some cbt and then later was put on medication. I read the books, forums etc. None of it helped and it wasn't because I didn't try, it just didn't. Cbt really made me think that it was all real, stuff like theory A/B which still sends me through the roof. I was then referred again and when I was doing the interview thing I wasn't told that I had ocd. I also I didn't feel like I had ocd. I've never gone back to therapy since and I've been off medication for a couple of years. In these sessions I wasn't told that I had anything else. 

I tried to find help through my university and I couldn't get any. Don't want to talk to my gp about it because I'll end up getting referred and then being told its all true. But theres nothing really against it now. It's clear that its just repressed feelings. It's scary but theres no point in trying anymore. I also don't believe it is ocd because it seems so different and real. 

Edited by don't know
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So the information given by Felix (above) isn't accurate and a diagnosis of OCD hasn't been dismissed by two health professionals.  It appears one of them said it didn't sound like OCD, however, looking at the explanation they gave to you they clearly were not experienced in treating g OCD.  Their reasoning is ill-educated and wrong.

You are behaving like many sufferers do, holding back from treatment for fear of divulging information and being told "you were the monster you fear you are" and that you don"t suffer from OCD.  It's a very, very common fear and sufferers will often delay seeking help for up to  decade for just this reason.

You do need to go back to your GP & you do need to be referred to someone experienced in treating OCD.  CBT can be difficult if you don't have someone to guide you through it properly.

As the others have said, there is nothing you have written that causes me any concern, it literally screams out OCD but there's not much to be gained by going over these things again right now.  You need to be brave, make that appointment and start the process of getting your life back. :)

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

So the information given by Felix (above) isn't accurate and a diagnosis of OCD hasn't been dismissed by two health professionals.  It appears one of them said it didn't sound like OCD, however, looking at the explanation they gave to you they clearly were not experienced in treating g OCD.  Their reasoning is ill-educated and wrong.

Sorry, my mistake.

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Posted March 24 · Report reply

I have been diagnosed once and twice have been told that it's not OCD. I have read many many articles, blogs, books to educate myself about OCD - each time I can't relate. 

 

 

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I apologise I should've been clearer! 

I feel like I'm doomed either way especially as I already have all of this evidence, even tonight there can be at least six things added. I'm sorry for being difficult. 

Edited by don't know
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12 minutes ago, don't know said:

especially as I already have all of this evidence

Except we've demonstrated in the past that a lot of the "evidence" you cite doesn't mean what you think it means. 
Additionally when you are constantly scanning for "evidence" you are bound to find things, that's the nature of a disorder like OCD.
Whatever your issue is the most helpful thing you could do for yourself is admit that you are NOT in a place where you can be objective about it and you need outside help.

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