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Hey,

I posted a while ago about my struggles with Harm OCD, and how any of the most horrible ways you could harm or kill someone have crossed my mind and now I completely fear them.

I've mentioned this in a previous post that the 'deliberately contaminating someone's drink' fear is the most recent addition to my harm collection, and that's what has crippled me again today. I am terrified of being around drinks of being around harmful substances that can go into drinks.

Since my last post I have been quite successfully stopping my compulsions and it has made a world of difference, I truly mean that. But the thoughts were still so scary and even though I didn't engage in compulsions, the thoughts of being around drinks and substances, reviewing my memories to see if I have acted on these thoughts, and the horror of someone dying horrifically whoosh over me and I just can't bear it anymore.

I'm not so skilled in avoiding avoidance yet, and I still rush through tasks involving drinks, substances, or ANYTHING that could be a weapon (which I guess is a disguised compulsion). I'm just so scared all the time checking my exhausted and sticky brain to see if I acted on my harmful thoughts.. and I just don't know how to live with it anymore!!

I'm getting desperate for all this darkness in my head to stop. I need it to stop. 

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Every sufferer wants it to stop.

Guaranteed you are doing compulsions and that's what is keeping the OCD engine running.

You need yo both work on stopping your compulsions and working on ERP to challenge your disorder. 

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9 hours ago, BM94 said:

I'm getting desperate for all this darkness in my head to stop. I need it to stop. 

No glib response here, try, if you can, not to be too anguished or intimidated by OCD, the disorder loves despair. Aim for disdain.  

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Thank you for your support folks.

I was having a very difficult day with it yesterday and have woken up feeling a bit fresher and ready to tackle the day.

I guess I just never realised initially how bad this disorder would become or how to tackle it, I genuinely wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies...

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