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Dave321

Was it ever HOCD?

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I was in work today and had to sit next to a guy.  I had to lean over his lap to see something and I wasn't even thinking about it and I got this instant sexual tension sensation in my groin.  My heart sank.   When these occur I get the same sinking heart feeling as if you just discovered a lump under your armpit that might be cancer.

This sensation doesn't happen with women so I am convinced I am gay.  I was bullied in school age 12 and was called gay for a year when I went to a new school so I have always been consciously and subconsciously insecure about being gay growing up as a teenager and in my 20s. 

I never remember getting aroused by men in my teens or 20's until I started one day age 25 freaking out about being gay.

I used to be able to see say pics of women in lingerie in a magazine and just looking at it would get me aroused. Now ZERO response.  I'm not even stressed about it. It's like my attraction to women wore off over the years and the arousal to men started growing.

Is this anxiety about being gay due to hocd or is it an abnormal response to my own natural attraction?     What if I started embracing it and encouraging it.  Would I be gay then?

I really think that people have been telling me from the start what I wanted to hear rather than just telling me straight that this is late gay realisation and that you need to get on with it now. 

I am a fraud. I just think this was ego dystonic sexual attraction.  I think back to my youth and think it all makes sense that I'm gay.  The crying on my first day of school because my best friend wasnt there. The kids bullying me. The finger ratio I have. Not developing interest in girls until age 14. Erection issues in bed with women. The HOCD being just an anxiety response to discovering youre gay.

I am the ultimate fraud.

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Hello Dave

 

Your post got my attention on a couple of levels.  Firstly, because it is not at all uncommon.  Indeed, I think it is the (rather informative) OCD entry on Wikipedia that quotes some researcher as noting that (and forgive me, I am paraphrasing here) that OC anxiety about sexuality can appear sometimes to be a crisis of identity.  However, it is not, it is just OCD. just that, OCD.  An anxiety disorder. 

 

Secondly, because I have worked in sexual health I like to think that I have had some experience in working with people with different gender identities and sexualities, although I would never profess myself to be an expert in the field. 

 

Most of my gay friends would tell you that they knew they were gay at an early age.  What you are describing is very different and seems to me to be a clear case of anxiety.  Honestly, mate, if you were gay you’d know you were gay.  This dialogue that is going on in your head is because you have OCD. 

 

I am going to try not to offer you reassurance, because in the long run, this can form its own cycle of OCD thought.  But I will offer you my observations, for all they’re worth…… firstly, you never experienced any sexual tension towards men until you were older and had a “freak out”.  It’s easy to misinterpret anxiety for something else – lots of people do it.  I tend to interpret my anxiety as a special awareness that I am at risk and have to therefore perform my compulsions.  But it is just anxiety.  Lots of straight guys experience some kind of tension in a situation like the one you described at the beginning of your post, and lots of gay guys experience some kind of tension if they were leaning over a female person.  I think this is simply a human reaction to being in someone else’s personal space – it does not reflect the core identity of the person. 

 

You refer to bullying at school.  I am sorry to hear this, kids can be cruel.  A lot of people – straight or gay – are picked on, for any perceived difference.  I know I was for a while for being socially awkward.  However, it doesn’t reflect your sexuality.  Damon Albarn from the band Blur told the New Musical Express that he was bullied and called gay because he was a good looking and intelligent boy.  Doesn’t mean anything. 

 

Do you have a therapist?  If you do, I would imagine that they would try and cultivate a sense of non-reaction to these intrusive thoughts and anxieties.  So what they might say, buy a gay magazine and have it in your bag.  That kind of thing.  You might even go to a gay pub or club and just let yourself be there.  When I was ill in 2001 with lots of superstitious fears, my therapist had me carry and pentagram in my bag as a form of exposure therapy.  There was a good essay I once read by a gay man who was also a psychologist.  His piece was published in a science journal and was called “I’m Gay, But You’re Not!” and gave a good low down on what “HOCD” is and how it manifests.  (Although we shouldn’t really call is HOCD – it’s just plain old OCD and follows the usual pattern).   I did a quick search for it on Google, but cannot locate it.  Lots of other resources come up though….. much to read through, but I would suggest you don’t – because we obsessives love to read and overanalyse everything and it can just become a form of reassurance seeking. 

 

Well, I am no expert but those are a few of my observations.  Perhaps they are of use to you.  Try not to seek reassurance and instead reframe the internal discourse as “this is just OCD”. 

 

I hope you start to feel better soon!!

 

Kind wishes

 

Tez 

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You are using this forum as a sort of reassurance. You come here and tell us about your latest obsession. You tell us it's not OCD. You get reassurance by well meaning but unknowing users. You are given advice. You never take the advice. Then you go quiet for a time, until you come back and start the whole thing over again.

This has been going on for years! It's got to stop. You are doing yourself a disservice and abusing our assistance.

I will not engage your disorder anymore. I encourage others to do the same.

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Although I sympathise with Polar Bear’s approach, I do think Tez makes some extremely good points. As to whether Dave321 will, remains to be seen. On past evidence,  he will not. But who knows?

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Dave, as has been pointed out, your post is clearly a request for reassurance. And again, the common sensible cognitive approach just facilitates the same.

Maybe you're right, and you have to accept the possibility that you're gay. That's OK. Just don't ruminate - and repeatedly ask yourself the same question. It serves no purpose. 

One additional note: you mention that you're the 'ultimate fraud' - apart from self-pity, there's actually a bit of inverted hubris there. You're not special. 

Edited by paradoxer

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apart from anything do you really think gay people experience sexual arousal every single time they're in the presence of someone of their preferred gender or even seeing a picture? what an exhausting way that would be to live! nobody would ever get anything done! 

do you not think anxiety is perhaps a more likely explanation?

Edited by gingerbreadgirl

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On 08/11/2019 at 22:23, Dave321 said:

The finger ratio I have.

How many times do we have to tell you this has been completely debunked before you will believe it?  
If you keep looking for excuses to fuel your anxiety you will always be able to find them.

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I am sorry to everyone here.   I realise I am gay.   I think I have known on some level since birth but never acknowledged it or properly realised.  I had such a sheltered life that I wasn't really exposed to guys or girls in my teenage years in terms of sex and had I been I might have figured it out sooner.  I have had erection issues since age 19 and could never really perform in bed with girls unless I took viagra.  I have never tried to kiss a guy or do anything sexual but I am convinced it would work.  When I was having erection issues I dont know why I never put 2 +2 together.  I guess I am a bit slow.  I don't think I ever had genuine sexual desire for women. Not the way other guys do.  I

 

These things I label as groinals are arousal.   There's no doubt about that.  I think because of being brought up in a school back int he mid 90's  where being gay was something to be bullied and laughed at caused some sort of aversion and trauma and didnt want to be gay.  I wanted to be 'normal'.

I think its very easy for someone to misdiagnose me as ocd when I was just having anxiety about being aroused by the same sex.  This is due to being brought up in a homophobic and hate filled environment in school.

I think when the anxiety around being aroused by guy fades I will probably start moving forwards as a gay man.  

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Interesting that you post on an OCD site. Perhaps you should post on a gay site. Or have you? Given your past posts, is this a social media game or something else? You have the full set of responses available in responses to your past posts.

Edited by Angst

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@Dave321  Whether you are gay, straight, bi, whatever, I hope you find happiness in your life again.  Given the struggles you are going through I genuinely believe that you would benefit from working with a mental health professional (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.) regardless of whether your problem is repressed homosexuality or OCD.  It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and I'm sure it would help to have someone experienced to talk to and work with.  I hope that is an option for you and that you'll consider it.

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5 hours ago, Angst said:

Interesting that you post on an OCD site. Perhaps you should post on a gay site. Or have you? Given your past posts, is this a social media game or something else? You have the full set of responses available in responses to your past posts.

Concur. Why waste time here?

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Guys, its entirely possibly that Dave is dealing with multiple issues here.  Also, given the infrequency of his postings perhaps a little less coming down hard is necessary at this point?

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On 12/11/2019 at 06:37, Dave321 said:

I have had erection issues since age 19 and could never really perform in bed with girls unless I took viagra.  

Dave, it might be off topic, but perhaps not - you should know that ED meds don't 'create' sexual desire at all. They only help regulate blood flow making it easier to get an erection, when you want one. 

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