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Question about suggesting forums to daughter


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Hello, back again asking more questions!! ?

The past few nights have been calmer - my husband and I are trying our best to be patient with our daughter, anger just doesn't make things any easier.

I have wondered about letting her know that she could have some support online via specialist forums such as this one, which may help her not feel so alone throughout treatment and trying to battle her 'OCDemon' as she now calls it! I really hope that I don't cause upset by what I am about to say but I have to ask and need advice from those who truly know what it's like to 'be there' - I worry that she will discover new compulsions - are specific compulsions strictly inherent to one person or has anyone had any experience of hearing or seeing what other OCD sufferers are doing and following those behaviours themselves? I feel absolutely awful for thinking these thoughts but I just don't want her to get any worse - I know there are people out there who suffer far more and the prospect of her reaching that point is so scary. Particularly as we don't yet know how long it will be before she gets any counselling.

I really hope my question hasn't caused offence or upset ?

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6 hours ago, Vicky said:

I really hope my question hasn't caused offence or upset 

I don't think your question is offensive at all.

I sort of worried about that a little too--that being exposed to other people's obsessions might make me worse. So far I have only had positive experiences being on the forum. I've read about lots of different obsessions and not picked other people's up and somehow when I read about other people facing similar ones to mine it usually seems to help me see my own from a more distant perspective.

6 hours ago, Vicky said:

are specific compulsions strictly inherent to one person

I have found that over the years my compulsions and focus of obsession has changed, along with the intensity. I don't know what causes this switch. I went from checking to washing. I went from light OCD to intense, back to moderate. This didn't seem to have anything to do with whether i was on a forum or reading about it.

What i did find remarkable in reading about other people's OCD is finding other people who could really understand and relate to the disorder. 

So maybe for some being on a forum isn't helpful, but for me it's good.

 

 

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It's a tough one. Since she has various different themes I think your concern may be sensible. 

Maybe it would be better to source an OCD workbook and work through that with her. 

Workbooks  code down the themes of  OCD, the fears related to them and the compulsions she carries out as safety behaviours to, in the sufferer’s mind, prevent the fears coming true. 

As you have probably picked up, OCD lies, fabricates, exaggerates or revulses. 

With the theme of something bad will happen to someone I love if I don't carry out the compulsions, that's magical thinking. 

The vomiting may be revulsion and/or contamination fears. 

The contamination may be exaggeration of nil or minimum risk. 

Working through one of these themes would show this cognitive understanding, then would take her into changing her behavioural response by reducing compulsions and realising nothing bad or so fearful actually happens. 

Then sitting with the fear and sessions of exposure and response prevention until the threat fear reduces and anxiety drops down. 

Might be best to work on one theme at a time . There are a number of deep different themes going on. 

Starting on one theme and making some progress would give her some solace and hope whilst more help arrives. 

You will find one available from the OCD-UK shop on the main OCD-UK website. 

 

Edited by taurean
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8 hours ago, leif said:

 

I don't think your question is offensive at all.

I sort of worried about that a little too--that being exposed to other people's obsessions might make me worse. So far I have only had positive experiences being on the forum. I've read about lots of different obsessions and not picked other people's up and somehow when I read about other people facing similar ones to mine it usually seems to help me see my own from a more distant perspective.

I have found that over the years my compulsions and focus of obsession has changed, along with the intensity. I don't know what causes this switch. I went from checking to washing. I went from light OCD to intense, back to moderate. This didn't seem to have anything to do with whether i was on a forum or reading about it.

What i did find remarkable in reading about other people's OCD is finding other people who could really understand and relate to the disorder. 

So maybe for some being on a forum isn't helpful, but for me it's good.

 

 

Thank you so much for your response @leif - it's good to hear from someone who has been there and really understands - I realise everyone is different and what may help one may not help another. It's such a tricky thing to navigate when you are supporting someone - I worry that I do something wrong, something that will intensify or aggravate the illness. It really helps to hear things from the perspective of an OCD sufferer too. 

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2 hours ago, taurean said:

It's a tough one. Since she has various different themes I think your concern may be sensible. 

Maybe it would be better to source an OCD workbook and work through that with her. 

Workbooks  code down the themes of  OCD, the fears related to them and the compulsions she carries out as safety behaviours to, in the sufferer’s mind, prevent the fears coming true. 

As you have probably picked up, OCD lies, fabricates, exaggerates or revulses. 

With the theme of something bad will happen to someone I love if I don't carry out the compulsions, that's magical thinking. 

The vomiting may be revulsion and/or contamination fears. 

The contamination may be exaggeration of nil or minimum risk. 

Working through one of these themes would show this cognitive understanding, then would take her into changing her behavioural response by reducing compulsions and realising nothing bad or so fearful actually happens. 

Then sitting with the fear and sessions of exposure and response prevention until the threat fear reduces and anxiety drops down. 

Might be best to work on one theme at a time . There are a number of deep different themes going on. 

Starting on one theme and making some progress would give her some solace and hope whilst more help arrives. 

You will find one available from the OCD-UK shop on the main OCD-UK website. 

 

Thanks for your response @taurean I really appreciate it. This is what has worried me - my daughter has so many different traits - she's terrified of being ill and the prospect of being physically sick, she can't even hear the word without being repulsed or scared. She washes her hands excessively, they are cracked and bleeding, she scrutinises every morsel of food and 'use by dates' - struggles with eating out unless she trusts the place she eats in, performs rituals every day, night which can take over 2 hours, writes words and phrases over and over again in a diary - overlapping to the point that it's completely illegible, pages and pages of scrambled writing, chews and picks her nails until they bleed or are sore, hates using specific numbers - so really struggles in Maths at school where she feels she has to apologise excessively for using them and is constantly seeking reassurance about food, cleanliness, relationships, lumps or ailments - I don't know if this is a particularly bad case of OCD or if all sufferers have multiple themes?

We are currently reading through 'Breaking Free from OCD' and intend to begin working on some of the worksheets this weekend. Her rituals take up so much time in the evenings that in between those, homework, tea and seeing her friends she has very little time in the evenings. I think I will concentrate on the book to begin with and perhaps see how we get on - it's very hard as a parent seeing your child suffering and not being able to instantly 'fix' something - I walked into her room last night to check how she was getting on and she was sat there in tears saying she was really struggling to stay awake but that she 'had' to finish her writing - she definitely feels like it's not a choice ?

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5 hours ago, Vicky said:

I don't know if this is a particularly bad case of OCD or if all sufferers have multiple themes?

I'm not sure about what is the most common, but i do know for myself that it wasn't so much multiple themes, but multiple compulsions around the same theme. So for me it was fear of bringing harm to others through negligence. So at first i was purely a checker--checking stoves, outlets, windows etc. However later it became more manifested in cleaning and washing. The theme was the same, but the compulsions were different.

So all her compulsions could be motivated by the same theme, but i'm sure some people would also have multiple themes too. Probably as you work through the book you will develop a clearer picture of what's going on, and what is driving the compulsions.

Good for you for working on the book with her. I can remember when my compulsions took so much time in my day, but I would always make time for the workbook as i knew it was my ticket out.

Yes maybe for now the forum is a better place for you to come for support, if she is feeling very overwhelmed by it all.

6 hours ago, Vicky said:

it's very hard as a parent seeing your child suffering and not being able to instantly 'fix' something - I walked into her room last night to check how she was getting on and she was sat there in tears saying she was really struggling to stay awake but that she 'had' to finish her writing - she definitely feels like it's not a choice ?

Yes i can imagine how hard that would be to see your child suffering like that. You are doing a great job in supporting her.

Keep in mind that many of us have been in terrible places with our OCD and have gotten much better. i still don't consider myself recovered, but I am so much better off than a few years back.

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30 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I have never heard of a sufferer picking up a new compulsion through participating on the forum.

What she might get right away is a sense she is not alone. That's a positive.

Following on from that I am fairly sure I have read in the introduction to one of the recommended books the same, reading about others obsessions and compulsions won't mean you will take them on board

I have found it a positive experience reading and searching these forums, knowing that other people have similar or even identical thoughts. 

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We will have our views. 

Personally I think a young person in a very poor state of hypersensitivity with three different themes might just be adversely affected. 

I see a slow process of gradual understanding and gaining success with say one theme then moving on and upwards applying the learning to another theme as a better option at this stage. 

But maybe some contact with the young persons lead and young persons ambassadors at the charity might gradually be beneficial. 

The charity do have some useful material for helping young people understand OCD. 

Just my own thinking of course. 

Edited by taurean
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On 14/11/2019 at 16:04, leif said:

I'm not sure about what is the most common, but i do know for myself that it wasn't so much multiple themes, but multiple compulsions around the same theme. So for me it was fear of bringing harm to others through negligence. So at first i was purely a checker--checking stoves, outlets, windows etc. However later it became more manifested in cleaning and washing. The theme was the same, but the compulsions were different.

So all her compulsions could be motivated by the same theme, but i'm sure some people would also have multiple themes too. Probably as you work through the book you will develop a clearer picture of what's going on, and what is driving the compulsions.

Thank you again @leif for your thoughts - you make perfect sense - it's so hard to completely understand and separate obsessions and compulsions but now that I have read further into the book 'Breaking Free from OCD' I am understanding more. You are right - it really is one theme driving the compulsions though perhaps slightly mixed. I think that her main theme is that she is terrified of the prospect of anyone she loves being hurt or dying. She is also scared of illness.

Small progress last night when she actually switched her light off at 12:10am - much earlier than usual. She spent all day yesterday stressed and worrying - in a really high state of anxiety as she had fallen asleep the night before halfway through writing in her journal. She said that the intrusive thoughts were very vivid and upsetting all day yesterday as she believed something bad was going to happen because she hadn't completed her rituals the night before. Nothing bad happened - which has in turn given her a little more confidence in believing  her actions won't affect the outcome of  what happens the next day. However I know it won't be that simple, if only it was! 

On 14/11/2019 at 16:04, leif said:

Yes i can imagine how hard that would be to see your child suffering like that. You are doing a great job in supporting her.

Keep in mind that many of us have been in terrible places with our OCD and have gotten much better. i still don't consider myself recovered, but I am so much better off than a few years back.

Thank you so much for your lovely words and encouragement - it means a lot to know that this is something she can make steps towards recovering from :) 


 

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20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I have never heard of a sufferer picking up a new compulsion through participating on the forum.

What she might get right away is a sense she is not alone. That's a positive.

Thanks for your feedback @PolarBear I understand the need for support and I want her to feel she is not alone. I will be suggesting the forums to her when I feel she is ready :) and if she expressed a need or want to reach out before then I would definitely support her decision.

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19 hours ago, Lollipop said:

Following on from that I am fairly sure I have read in the introduction to one of the recommended books the same, reading about others obsessions and compulsions won't mean you will take them on board

I have found it a positive experience reading and searching these forums, knowing that other people have similar or even identical thoughts. 

I  also appreciate your comments @Lollipop thanks! I can see how it would be beneficial knowing that you are not alone in your way of thinking :) 

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19 hours ago, taurean said:

We will have our views. 

Personally I think a young person in a very poor state of hypersensitivity with three different themes might just be adversely affected. 

I see a slow process of gradual understanding and gaining success with say one theme then moving on and upwards applying the learning to another theme as a better option at this stage. 

But maybe some contact with the young persons lead and young persons ambassadors at the charity might gradually be beneficial. 

The charity do have some useful material for helping young people understand OCD. 

Just my own thinking of course. 

Thanks again @taurean, this was what worried me - I don't want to do anything at the moment that could cause more distress - I am letting her take the lead to some degree and if she expresses a want for further support from peer groups then I may then suggest the forums. But for the moment we are working through the book and taking baby steps towards understanding fully just how to deal with this in the best way for my daughter and our family. I really appreciate all the feedback I have received and take it all on board as we move through this process.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think you will know what is right for your daughter and if and when the time is right to introduce her to the forums.  My son's OCD has taken on many guises, but interestingly when he attended a support group, which I went to with him, I asked him what he thought about other people's compulsions, which, of course, were extremely varied.  He didn't latch on to any of them and although he totally understood where they were coming from, he saw them as being as illogical as I did.

 

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