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Hi friends, it's been 2 years since I last posted and a lot has happened since then. I had to take a break from here as I found I was comparing myself to others which was obviously causing me all sorts of OCD problems.

I had my sessions of CBT 12 months ago now and have been doing ok. Exposing myself more and more to the thing that triggers my intrusive thoughts- others children ?

My themes have changed over the years from Initially being contamination based to worrying about being accused of doing something awful to a child ?

Now I get to the part as to why I'm back looking for advice. Obviously I haven't been "cured" as for want of a better word, and have faced almost daily battles with my thoughts and generally I have won. However, I seem to have had another change in direction with themes and it is this that had truly worried me. 

I am now focused on believing that I have done something to a child, although I don't think I have if that makes sense?? But it seems real and so does the fear and anxiety that comes with it. 

Why do themes change direction? 

Why when you think you may be able to live your life in the way in which you have learnt to cope with it, does it do this?? 

Edited by Lisa davis
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Hey Lisa,

Sorry it has affected you in this way. The one thing I can say that is NOT a reassurance tactic but that IS the genuine truth, is that you're not alone with the thoughts. My thoughts have shifted from one thing to another constantly, all based under the 'Harm umbrella' (they do include your particular theme as well). This actually happens for me on a daily basis; it will shift from one thing to the next all the time, sometimes depending on situation or just whatever OCD feels like throwing my way in that particular moment.

I guess one positive you can take away from it is that now you've had this thought, the anxiety will of course be there in buckets for now but it will eventually subside and you will learn strategies to manage it along the way. It'll then eventually be one of those thoughts that you have. 

The way I have to look at things right now is that quite literally I've had thoughts about every single different way you could harm/kill someone, and now because I've literally had them all I don't have to worry about another thought popping up. It's like "yeah I've heard that one before, what else you got OCD?".

Still scary but the one thing that helps me so much is telling myself I'm not alone and it only makes me a more interesting person with a story to tell.

Also, stopping compulsions at every possible opportunity has calmed me down at a huge rate, even without CBT or medication. I would start there with this new theme and build on that.

Here for you! All the best :)

 

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Thank you for your reply BM94. It is so helpful to know you are not alone so thank you for sharing your views ?

This is a new one on me and it has caught me with my guard down and so I feel in its claws once again. I guess though it is still under the umbrella you speak of in that it centres around children? Before I was scared of being accused of doing something whereas this new one is almost like a false memory in that I'm questioning myself if I did do something???

Im not sure if you have had the same thoughts as myself as i didnt really explain myself properly. I find it hard to even write down that's why I say "harm" instead ?. This whole thing is torturous, I wish it was my contamination theme instead of this. I don't even know if I am making any Sense.

I am trying to stop compulsions and ruminating but I guess as this is so raw and new it will take time for me to loose this anxiety and fear.

Thank you again for your suggestions and kind words, you have been so helpful ?

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You're welcome Lisa!

Yes the figurative 'umbrella' of Harm OCD is what I've called it as I have not been fortunate enough to have my thoughts center around one specific thing. My Harm OCD actually began with the fear of 'Harm' involving kids, and yes in the way we both know that means. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't quite be sure that you didn't do something to someone's kid, like your memory is playing tricks on you. Mine does exactly the same thing but with every aspect of Harm OCD. Recently I feared I had done the same thing as you and I was so unbelievably panicked, but there's the thing, how can you do a compulsion or 'check' that you didn't do anything?  For me it was trying my best to just write off the triggering situation and not put too much stock into the thoughts or OCD-inspired belief that my memories are wrong. My anxiety has life spans for each situation; sometimes I can wake up the next morning and feel better, sometimes it can last for days/weeks.

Unfortunately my OCD has also influenced and affected my social media usage and technology etc, so when the thoughts first appeared those years ago it was all about doing "stuff" online etc or sending nasty "stuff" around to people on my social networks (you know what I mean) - this caused me to stay WELL away from my phone, or anything really with internet connection, at all costs; and I would be so scared whenever I had to use the internet, constantly checking history to make sure I didn't do anything etc. This put me into a world of suffering. Earlier in the year I took a bit more control back and decided to have my phone on me all the time, despite the massive anxiety this caused - it eventually calmed down and I can now have my phone around me relatively comfortably.

But my nasty little OCD beast has decided to add a  bolt-on to my particular OCD plan: It's now thoughts based around doing any harmful thing to someone and then the idea of filming it on my phone, which causes me to do further compulsions such as checking my social media pages that I didn't post anything, or checking my phone gallery constantly, and further reviewing those unsure memories. It's a nightmare and makes me feel sick all the time that I could have such thoughts, and is ultimately what has made me go to the GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist and hopefully get put on meds! It's been such a low time for me, so I know and can empathise with how you're feeling right now.

I'm sorry to pile my issues on top of this, but I just wanted to let you know that others suffer with the same thing and you should just try not to worry, there's nothing to do about it now. Current reality is always categorically more important than phasing yourself back into the past where nothing can be changed anyway.

Hopefully there's a happier time on the horizon for us all :)

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37 minutes ago, BM94 said:

Recently I feared I had done the same thing as you and I was so unbelievably panicked, but there's the thing, how can you do a compulsion or 'check' that you didn't do anything?  For me it was trying my best to just write off the triggering situation and not put too much stock into the thoughts or OCD-inspired belief that my memories are wrong. My anxiety has life spans for each situation; sometimes I can wake up the next morning and feel better, sometimes it can last for days/weeks.

I could have written this myself! 

I guess the ruminating - going over the scenario is the compulsion? Unlike say a checking compulsion you would physically check the door is closed, for me, I replay over and over what happened. But then I doubt myself and go round and round in circles. 

But yes I definitely agree to try not give to much attention to the thoughts. That's what I have desperately been trying to do as I know from therapy this is the way forward. I think because my theme has changed direction It has frightened me.

But again like you, and I like the way you have described it, my anxiety/OCD outbursts have a lifespan. Usually lasting a few days to a few weeks. Although when I have been really poorly with it it has lasted months ?

I'm hoping this is just a blip, particularly as life in general has thrown some stuff at me recently and OCD tends to grab hold of me when things get on top of me.

Please don't feel the need to apologise. You have helped me immensely and I hope in some small way I can help you too. You sound as though you have a great understanding to how this "thing" works, and that is a good thing. You have to stand up to the thoughts, don't let it beat you. You have done it before and because you learnt a way to overcome it's claws, it's thrown something else into the mix. I have come to realise this is what it does. 

So glad you have sought help, and yes I believe meds are useful, and therapy even more so. I hope you don't have to much of a wait until you are seen.

Something I obviously have to remind myself again now!!! but always remember....they are just thoughts ? x

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On 14/11/2019 at 22:17, Lisa davis said:

I guess the ruminating - going over the scenario is the compulsion? Unlike say a checking compulsion you would physically check the door is closed, for me, I replay over and over what happened. But then I doubt myself and go round and round in circles. 

Exactly right, I think ruminating over it does become a compulsion, especially when you do it as much as we do. 

I had an incident on the road a couple months ago, and this was actually real - I drove like an idiot and tried to overtake someone where I wasn't supposed to and very nearly caused a crash, for the next at least 3-4 weeks I was having the video replay in my head CONSTANTLY about what happened/what I could have done and then, oh whadda you know.. I started believing I had caused oncoming cars to crash into the bushes on the other side - so whenever I drove that road I would inspect it so closely to check for tire marks or tracks on the side of the road into a tree or something and would check road accident reports online. This made everything worse and last longer.. it's almost funny when I think about it now, so I guess punchline of the story is we all have the potential to live without this horrible disorder, it's just the here and now that we struggle with maybe..

Time is an incredible healer!

On 14/11/2019 at 22:17, Lisa davis said:

But again like you, and I like the way you have described it, my anxiety/OCD outbursts have a lifespan. Usually lasting a few days to a few weeks. Although when I have been really poorly with it it has lasted months ?

I find the same thing, I'm in a particularly dark patch right now with everything (I actually think it all became out of control after my car incident detailed above) and have been for the past few months now. I find that even when I'm not having a specific thought in that moment I feel mentally drained to exhaustion, and then I'm like "why do I feel so exhausted, almost like my eyes perceive everything as literally darker and miserable, and just not enjoying anything I do", and it's almost like that's a trigger because feeling like that reminds me that it's because of my constant thoughts and drags it right back up into my conscious mind again. Such a pickle!

Just knowing that you've struggled with the exact same thing has helped calm me down a bit more like it has for you, so thank you for that!

Don't let your 'It's just thoughts' thoughts become a compulsion though - I would constantly say that when a nasty thought popped up but it became a neutralising response, ergo a compulsion. It's good though to just gently remind yourself of that fact every now and again, because it is actually true haha!

How are you feeling now??

 

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Themes can change & the new one is always stronger. Or is it just appearing stronger because anxiety from previous one faded?

Just apply what you did to your previous theme on this one. 

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3 hours ago, Handy said:

Themes can change & the new one is always stronger. Or is it just appearing stronger because anxiety from previous one faded?

Just apply what you did to your previous theme on this one. 

Thank you Handy ?

I think you may be right. I was definatly feeling better about the previous theme, although nowhere near 100%, I was feeling more confident in my ability to confront my fears and was In fact, making quite good progress.

It's the absolute terror, fear and distress from the anxiety that goes alongside the obsession within the early stages of a relapse that overwhelms me. I then find it hard to rationalise my thoughts and put into practice what I have learnt. Hopefully I can start to do that very soon as I realise it will otherwise be a vicious circle ?

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On 14/11/2019 at 10:05, Lisa davis said:

Hi friends, it's been 2 years since I last posted and a lot has happened since then. I had to take a break from here as I found I was comparing myself to others which was obviously causing me all sorts of OCD problems.

I had my sessions of CBT 12 months ago now and have been doing ok. Exposing myself more and more to the thing that triggers my intrusive thoughts- others children ?

My themes have changed over the years from Initially being contamination based to worrying about being accused of doing something awful to a child ?

Now I get to the part as to why I'm back looking for advice. Obviously I haven't been "cured" as for want of a better word, and have faced almost daily battles with my thoughts and generally I have won. However, I seem to have had another change in direction with themes and it is this that had truly worried me. 

I am now focused on believing that I have done something to a child, although I don't think I have if that makes sense?? But it seems real and so does the fear and anxiety that comes with it. 

Why do themes change direction? 

Why when you think you may be able to live your life in the way in which you have learnt to cope with it, does it do this?? 

Why do themes change? That's easy - it's because the themes don't matter, they're just a way for OCD to facilitate itself. The OCD-brain scans for a focus - oh OK, that's new, that'll do. 

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On 17/11/2019 at 04:04, paradoxer said:

Why do themes change? That's easy - it's because the themes don't matter, they're just a way for OCD to facilitate itself. The OCD-brain scans for a focus - oh OK, that's new, that'll do. 

So true Paradoxer. But only now do I see this after it being pointed out to me ?

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