Charley

[Charley]

Good evening, 

I’m someone who has always had heightened anxiety and OCD tendencies that take form in various ways. Right now I’m experiencing relationship OCD regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. I love him so much and don’t want to be apart from him but my mind is preoccupied with constant intrusive thoughts, questions such as do I love him enough to be with him? Do I find him sexually attractive?/is he masculine enough for me to be attracted to him?. These thoughts are causing me great anxiety and are making me miserable. I think the guilt and shame I feel for having these thoughts are perpetuating the cycle of OCD. I mentally try and solve these questions, repeating over and over in my head the reasons why I love him and want to stay with him and carry out compulsive behaviours to confirm my feelings for him. It’s leaving me mentally exhausted and I’m feeling very out of character. 

Has anyone experienced relationship ocd before/has any tips to alleviate the distress I’m feeling regarding my relationship please? 

Any help would be really appreciated! 

Thank you

[Equinoxygen]

Good evening Charley

Welcome to the forum. I myself have not experienced the theme you describe, however I have seen it referenced on the forum many times. I’m certain a friendly member will provide some beneficial insight in the fullness of time.

Hang on in there...

[Charley]

Thank you for your reply Equinoxygen funnily enough I did see from searching the forums after I’d posted this that people had posted similar to what I have! If I don’t get any replies I’ll have a scroll through those posts! Thank you once again! And take care

24 minutes ago, Equinoxygen said:

Good evening Charley

Welcome to the forum. I myself have not experienced the theme you describe, however I have seen it referenced on the forum many times. I’m certain a friendly member will provide some beneficial insight in the fullness of time.

Hang on in there...

 

[Gemma7]

Hi Charley

I've experienced a lot of the thoughts that you have too. It can be incredibly difficult and leave you feeling very unsettled all the time. This type of OCD isn't any different to all the others, it's the compulsions that keep it going. In therapy you look at tolerating uncertainty and I think for you that's a biggy. No one knows for sure if they are with the right person yet the thoughts you're experiencing will be incredibly common. The difference between you and someone without OCD is that you saw that having doubts or questions as meaning something, beginning the OCD cycle. 

Have you talked to anyone about your OCD like your gp? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the recommended treatment and usually your gp can refer you for it, in England you can self-refer. Waiting lists vary, so looking into a self-help book like Break free from OCD can be a great place to start. 

With the help of therapy you'll learn to ignore these thoughts, accept them as just thoughts, that will reduce your feelings of doubt and make your feel a lot clearer about your relationship

[Closed for repairs]

Right then...

I am not a person to take relationship advice from...

However....

From casual reading of romance novels (don't judge me), romcoms, and soap operas. The thoughts and feelings you describe are pretty normal, the problem is you are obsessing over them and allowing your self to be wracked with guilt to such a degree is affecting your life.

After all if you had a sure fire method for knowing if he/she/they are THE ONE  you would have solved one of life's great mysteries.

[Charley]

4 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi Charley

I've experienced a lot of the thoughts that you have too. It can be incredibly difficult and leave you feeling very unsettled all the time. This type of OCD isn't any different to all the others, it's the compulsions that keep it going. In therapy you look at tolerating uncertainty and I think for you that's a biggy. No one knows for sure if they are with the right person yet the thoughts you're experiencing will be incredibly common. The difference between you and someone without OCD is that you saw that having doubts or questions as meaning something, beginning the OCD cycle. 

Have you talked to anyone about your OCD like your gp? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the recommended treatment and usually your gp can refer you for it, in England you can self-refer. Waiting lists vary, so looking into a self-help book like Break free from OCD can be a great place to start. 

With the help of therapy you'll learn to ignore these thoughts, accept them as just thoughts, that will reduce your feelings of doubt and make your feel a lot clearer about your relationship

Hi Gemma,

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my message, it’s really appreciated. I’m sorry that you have experienced what I am going through now. I think we can both agree that it’s really upsetting! 

I’m currently seeing a Therapist and I have found some sessions more useful than others. I think what I find most difficult is trying to control these emotions in between my sessions at the moment. What I find really odd is that I have moments of deep love for my boyfriend and know that my OCD is controlling my anxieties and doubts. I am a perfectionist by nature and have always searched for ‘the one’ when it comes to relationships, I’ve never had one night stands and value commitment. That’s why I value my relationship with my boyfriend so much. 

I know relationships shouldn’t revolve entirely around intimacy and passion, but this has concept has really triggered my OCD as people I know have told me that I should be more sexually active at my age. (I am in my 20s). This has made me ruminate and obsess over whether this relationship is the one, from my boyfriends appearance to personality, which in hindsight I know is very silly. I guess I’ve always felt like an outcast in one way or another. 

I totally agree with what you say about CBT though as last week I did have sudden euphoric moments after having CBT and generally felt happier where I wasn’t thinking these thoughts and my anxieties almost completely disappeared to the point where I knew I was madly in love with my boyfriend and really valued him. 

I suppose I’ve just got to be patient with myself and remember that this is a journey , trying not to feel guilt or shame along the way! 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my message and providing some helpful information!!!

[Charley]

4 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Right then...

I am not a person to take relationship advice from...

However....

From casual reading of romance novels (don't judge me), romcoms, and soap operas. The thoughts and feelings you describe are pretty normal, the problem is you are obsessing over them and allowing your self to be wracked with guilt to such a degree is affecting your life.

After all if you had a sure fire method for knowing if he/she/they are THE ONE  you would have solved one of life's great mysteries.

Hi Closed For Repairs,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my message! 

You raise a very good point!! I really like that concept. I’m going to remember that and take it with me moving forwards.

Thank you once again

[Gemma7]

Hi Charley

Are you currently doing CBT with your therapist? I found CBT really helpful yes. It helped to explain why I was feeling the way I was and how what I did (compulsions) made it worse. What have you found helpful in sessions and what have you found unhelpful? Is your therapist setting you homework? 

You mention that you want to control your emotions between sessions. What do you mean by that?

I think what you say here is really important. 

On 25/11/2019 at 15:04, Charley said:

I am a perfectionist by nature and have always searched for ‘the one’ when it comes to relationships, I’ve never had one night stands and value commitment. That’s why I value my relationship with my boyfriend so much. 

Searching for 'the one' and valuing commitment and relationships is completely fine but it has probably made you particularly sensitive to thoughts about relationships. This is incredibly common for OCD sufferers so you're no different and is helpful in explaining why your OCD focuses on relationships 

You want to feel 'in love' to make sure that you're with the right person, but that's an unrealistic expectation, no one can feel anything for all that long, because all feelings come and go, love is no different. What your OCD has made you worry is that not feeling love at a particular moment means something. That's why you try to make sure. With CBT you'll learn that the problem isn't that there's something wrong with your relationship, the problem is you care about having the right relationship so much that you worry you're in the wrong one. 

So the goal in CBT isn't for you to be sure that you and your boyfriend should be together, it's to learn to not care, to accept the uncertainty that everyone in a relationship has to accept. 

[Charley]

On 28/11/2019 at 00:25, Gemma7 said:

Hi Charley

Are you currently doing CBT with your therapist? I found CBT really helpful yes. It helped to explain why I was feeling the way I was and how what I did (compulsions) made it worse. What have you found helpful in sessions and what have you found unhelpful? Is your therapist setting you homework? 

You mention that you want to control your emotions between sessions. What do you mean by that?

I think what you say here is really important. 

Searching for 'the one' and valuing commitment and relationships is completely fine but it has probably made you particularly sensitive to thoughts about relationships. This is incredibly common for OCD sufferers so you're no different and is helpful in explaining why your OCD focuses on relationships 

You want to feel 'in love' to make sure that you're with the right person, but that's an unrealistic expectation, no one can feel anything for all that long, because all feelings come and go, love is no different. What your OCD has made you worry is that not feeling love at a particular moment means something. That's why you try to make sure. With CBT you'll learn that the problem isn't that there's something wrong with your relationship, the problem is you care about having the right relationship so much that you worry you're in the wrong one. 

So the goal in CBT isn't for you to be sure that you and your boyfriend should be together, it's to learn to not care, to accept the uncertainty that everyone in a relationship has to accept. 

Hi Gemma!

Thanks so much for your response and sorry it has taken months (literally) to reply!. I actually thought I had replied to this and since this time I have mainly been on a smooth ride with my OCD tendencies, in this case relationship OCD. 
I do still have OCD thoughts quite frequently but I have learnt to manage them and remind myself that they do not define me and that I have the ability to choose what I want in life, not be led by some biological feeling that comes and goes daily. I also don’t have panic attacks anymore which I used to have daily at one point. 

I don’t see a Therapist anymore but he did do 11 sessions of CBT with me as well as some work around phobias and generalised anxieties. He did set me homework which I mainly complied with but at times did give in to temptation and carried out compulsions! It was a rollercoaster of a journey but I’d say I’ve mainly come out of it better. It’s just learning to try and let go of the OCD mindset as it’s like a safety mechanism! I envision that it’s like unlocking the door to freedom once let go and that the euphoria felt afterwards is amazing

Absolutely agree with your previous comments about CBT and the purpose of it.

Thanks so much for your support at a time when I was really struggling! I hope you are safe and well in these unsettling times.

Charley x

[Handy]

We also have attachment styles. There are 4. 3 are common. Anxious attachment is common. The person gets anxious intrusive thoughts about someone.  It’s a good side topic to research.

[Charley]

4 minutes ago, Handy said:

We also have attachment styles. There are 4. 3 are common. Anxious attachment is common. The person gets anxious intrusive thoughts about someone.  It’s a good side topic to research.

Hi Handy, 

Thanks for your comment  

That’s interesting and sounds like it makes sense given the theme. I’ll look in to that. Thanks again for raising it! 

[Lost in Thought]

The only person we ultimately have to answer to is ourselves and nobody else. Try not to let worries about how much sex you ‘should’ be having get in the way of things with your bf. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Lost in Thought

[Charley]

6 hours ago, Lost in Thought said:

The only person we ultimately have to answer to is ourselves and nobody else. Try not to let worries about how much sex you ‘should’ be having get in the way of things with your bf. 

Hi Lost in Thought, 

Thank you for your comment. I absolutely agree with you I’ve read someone else’s story on here who pretty much mirrors/ed my situation in terms of feeling the pressure to have sex at least once a week (apparently thats average for a lot of people) and have this false concept that if you don’t, then your relationship will fail which I know rationally is definitely not true. Relationships definitely aren’t all about sex and Love and Lust are two separate things which I’ve come to learn. Luckily I have a supportive boyfriend who has actually said when we have talked about this that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to have sex and if I don’t want to have sex, then I don’t want to have sex! It’s as simple as that and not to ruminate and obsess over why I don’t want to. Seems like I just put the pressure on myself and the more I ‘try’ and be in the mood, I just can’t. I do genuinely think I’m just someone who has low libido and that’s nothing to be ashamed of and I also believe I might fall under the asexuality spectrum after doing some research and that feels quite liberating!
 

Anyway sorry for my waffle and thanks again for your supportive comment! I hope you are safe and well in this difficult time! 

Charley

[kaheath80]

4 hours ago, Charley said:

Hi Lost in Thought, 

Thank you for your comment. I absolutely agree with you I’ve read someone else’s story on here who pretty much mirrors/ed my situation in terms of feeling the pressure to have sex at least once a week (apparently thats average for a lot of people) and have this false concept that if you don’t, then your relationship will fail which I know rationally is definitely not true. Relationships definitely aren’t all about sex and Love and Lust are two separate things which I’ve come to learn. Luckily I have a supportive boyfriend who has actually said when we have talked about this that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to have sex and if I don’t want to have sex, then I don’t want to have sex! It’s as simple as that and not to ruminate and obsess over why I don’t want to. Seems like I just put the pressure on myself and the more I ‘try’ and be in the mood, I just can’t. I do genuinely think I’m just someone who has low libido and that’s nothing to be ashamed of and I also believe I might fall under the asexuality spectrum after doing some research and that feels quite liberating!
 

Anyway sorry for my waffle and thanks again for your supportive comment! I hope you are safe and well in this difficult time! 

Charley

I was about to say ‘that sounds exactly like me!’ But was it actually me? 

I still struggle with this. We’ve just got a new puppy and due to time looking after him and lack of sleep we’ve not had sex for 3 weeks now and I am struggling. I sympathise.

[Charley]

35 minutes ago, kaheath80 said:

I was about to say ‘that sounds exactly like me!’ But was it actually me? 

I still struggle with this. We’ve just got a new puppy and due to time looking after him and lack of sleep we’ve not had sex for 3 weeks now and I am struggling. I sympathise.

Hi Kaheath80, 

I think it may have been your story that I saw! Congratulations on the puppy! That’s lovely to hear! 

Ah I see, if you don’t mind me asking as I know it’s personal, but are you struggling because you genuinely feel desire and want to have sex with your partner? Or is it a case of having sex as a sort of compulsion that are linked with your thoughts? 
 

Sexual/intimate matters can be complicating but then at the same time they don’t have to be. There is no ‘right’ time for sex and it is not the be all and end all. Some relationships treasure frequent sexual encounters whilst some can thrive perfectly fine without frequent sex For me I know I have a strong emotional connection with my boyfriend and although we don’t have sex once a week every week, we are intimate in other ways, I.e hold hands a lot, kiss and cuddle. Those forms of intimacy can be just as special if not more so than sex

Hope this helps you come to terms with some of your thoughts! You aren’t alone

[kaheath80]

5 hours ago, Charley said:

Hi Kaheath80, 

I think it may have been your story that I saw! Congratulations on the puppy! That’s lovely to hear! 

Ah I see, if you don’t mind me asking as I know it’s personal, but are you struggling because you genuinely feel desire and want to have sex with your partner? Or is it a case of having sex as a sort of compulsion that are linked with your thoughts? 
 

Sexual/intimate matters can be complicating but then at the same time they don’t have to be. There is no ‘right’ time for sex and it is not the be all and end all. Some relationships treasure frequent sexual encounters whilst some can thrive perfectly fine without frequent sex For me I know I have a strong emotional connection with my boyfriend and although we don’t have sex once a week every week, we are intimate in other ways, I.e hold hands a lot, kiss and cuddle. Those forms of intimacy can be just as special if not more so than sex

Hope this helps you come to terms with some of your thoughts! You aren’t alone

Thank you  and it’s definitely a compulsion. Not that I don’t ever feel desire, but it’s much more about feeling I need to do it.

[dksea]

20 hours ago, Handy said:

 

We also have attachment styles. There are 4. 3 are common. Anxious attachment is common. The person gets anxious intrusive thoughts about someone.  It’s a good side topic to research.

 

Suggesting that someone with OCD “do more research” is seldom a good idea. 

[Charley]

1 hour ago, kaheath80 said:

Thank you  and it’s definitely a compulsion. Not that I don’t ever feel desire, but it’s much more about feeling I need to do it.

You’re welcome okay well it’s good that you recognise that! Would you say you have  a strong emotional connection with your partner? As I said before, romantic relationships do not require sexual encounters all the time for them to function appropriately, if you and your partner are not having sex the same amount as the average person that’s absolutely fine and I think it’s important to try and remember that. Society has again laid out expectations and social rules if you like that if you don’t have sex the same amount as the average person, then your relationship will fail. It’s easy to latch on to this black and white, lateral notion and panic. I still do sometimes to be honest. However, society is an external force. There are no external forces as such that dictate how your relationship should be sexually. It is first and foremost yours and your partners decision to decide how often you have sex. It can be tempting to tell yourself each week that you’ll aim to have sex on a certain day (I am guilty of this) but I think that can sometimes put more pressure on the two of you to perform when it might not actually be the right time. Am I right in thinking that your partner identifies as asexual? Apologies if not, I think I read that somewhere I myself identify as a Demi-Sexual on the asexuality spectrum so would be able to relate to how an asexual thinks to an extent. I think overall the important thing to remember is that sex is NOT everything and that relationships can survive without it and still in a romantic capacity; whether that’s holding hands, cuddling, kissing etc. Perhaps sit down with your partner and have a honest open chat with them and what their thoughts and feelings are when it comes to what they think is important in a romantic relationship and perhaps the two of you can compromise. 
We can never be certain that relationships will last, that’s something we have no control over amongst other things in the world. However we can control how we CHOOSE to love our partners and cherish the current relationships we have with them. 

I hope this offers you some sort of support. You really aren’t alone and please try not to carry out the compulsions; it will only heighten your anxieties in the long run and could put a strain on your relationship. I think you’ve just got to try and gradually alter and re -wire your mindset and I’m sure when able to, your relationship will flourish

Take care and stay strong! X