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Need some encouragement


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My journey through this disorder for the past two years has been an exhausting one. More recently I've been doing well and I go through very up and down patches- for example, I could be great for two weeks and then terrible for two weeks. I'm sure this is an encouraging sign.

Mainly for me, I feel like most of my obsessing is done about the past. My main obsession is, and always has been, fear of being sexually attracted to children. And because I went through such an awful period of this, theres still so much guilt attached from it. It got so bad to the point where i was having intrusive thoughts during sexual moments and masturbation practically every time I engaged in those activities. And obviously, i was horrified at the idea i was enjoying them. There were times where I felt like I was actively encouraging those thoughts and it killed me. And still, to this day, i have regular anxiety attacks about 'what if i did enjoy those thoughts at those moments?' It was happening literally every time and it was crushing.

All I did was reassurance seek to see if other people experienced it too. Sent me into a depression that has been a nightmare to get out of. It still does happen occasionally, but I'm better at dealing with it and there are weeks, like I say, where I can do things like masturbate and I have no intrusive thoughts at all. Sometimes I can look at those moments in the past and say 'pff, it was just ocd, nothing to worry about!'. And I never explicitly posted about these experiences here at the time because of the horrific fear of what people might say or think. 

There is so much guilt and fear associated with this and I dont really know what to do. I haven't gone back to therapy since I got this bad, which has been a really silly move probably. I feel like too much has happened and I can never forgive myself or just forget that these things happened. Is this just ocd trying to pull me back in? Because its working and has done every time. I feel quite badly depressed a out it and I just want to pick myself up and move on  but I feel like I dont deserve to. 

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On 26/11/2019 at 09:44, Ollie46 said:

I feel quite badly depressed a out it and I just want to pick myself up and move on  but I feel like I dont deserve to. 

Hey @Ollie46 Sorry that you are having a rough go of it lately.  First thing, of course you deserve to move on, you haven't done anything wrong, and even if you had, you can still move forward with your life.  Even the worst criminals can do that (though preferably behind bars if they are an actual danger).  But that is a far cry from what you are talking about and dealing with here.

Yes, absolutely the type of thoughts you are talking about can be very upsetting, but having an upsetting thought and doing actual harm to someone based on that thought are separate things.  Maybe I get really mad at a coworker one day, maybe they did something really stupid and I end up being the one who has to deal with it, it ruins my weekend plans, its a big mess.  In my mind I might imagine doing something horrible to them.  But I don't ACTUALLY harm them.  I haven't DONE anything, I haven't hurt anyone.  There is no reason for me to feel guilty.  OCD might try and tell me otherwise, but the reality is you don't have to feel guilty for having a thought.  "But I thought about it while I was masturbating, thats doing something!".  Except not really, because you still aren't doing something to ANOTHER PERSON.  You aren't causing any harm, at worst its just a fantasy, though more than likely its simply because your OCD driven brain has forged a strong link between the fear of sexual thoughts related to children and sexual situations.  Regardless, a pedophile is someone who does harm to children.  Someone who does harm to children should be locked up (for life I'd say).  But simply having a thought?  Especially an intrusive one?  You don't need to feel guilty about that.  Now, because of OCD you DO feel guilty.  So what can you do?  You can make the decision that you won't punish yourself for these feelings, either the original one or the resulting guilt.  You have to tell yourself (probably repeatedly) that these are just feelings and you don't HAVE to react to them.  You can just let them sit there.

One hurdle in recovery is that people get confused about what should happen to their intrusive thoughts.  At first you have an intrusive thought like "am I attracted to children?" and it causes you anxiety.  "Thats terrible, I should feel bad about that thought?  Do I feel bad enough? Did I like it? OMG What if I liked it?  What kind of monster am I!?"  You want so desperately NOT to have this thought, or at the very least to be certain that when you have it that you are sufficiently "disgusted" by it in order to prove to yourself you are a good person.  But you know what the real reaction is to intrusive thoughts like this to a non-sufferer?  Apathy, disinterest, completely ignoring it.  The RIGHT response is to not CARE about the thought.  To recognize it for meaningless garbage and show no interest in it.  To be BORED with the thought.  "OMG, THAT old thing, whatever" and get on with your day.  As recovery begins the anxiety related to the thought starts fading and sufferers often fall in to the trap of thinking that they are no longer being afraid enough, that this new "acceptance" means that you want the outcome now.  You need to let yourself be ok with having these thoughts pop in to your head, because they will, especially at first.  Like a bad habit that you keep doing without noticing it they aren't going to just go away.  They will fade overtime IF you do the right things, including not ruminating about them, not reassurance seeking about them, etc.

Most of all you need to give yourself a break.  You need to DECIDE that you aren't a monster and that this is OCD.  You have to DECIDE that you are going to treat yourself fairly and THEN things will change.  You don't deserve to suffer, but unfortunately sometimes in life we suffer unfairly.  You can't change that you got OCD, but you can change how your life goes moving forward to a large degree.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for this response Dksea, and apologies for taking so long to get back. I have been working an awful lot over this xmas period, a solid 60 hours a week, which I'm sure has had an impact on my mental health. Given that my job involves working very late nights and is quite a physical activity, I'm quite worn down. Tonight I feel horribly depressed.

I have been feeling a bit better recently and, rationally, I know you are absolutely correct. I also know that, realistically, what I experienced was a direct result of having OCD because on the days where I experience very little OCD, I dont have those I intrusive thoughts or feelings at all! But as you say, I get stuck in the loop of guilt and analysing past events. Sometimes making the decision to not punish myself is difficult because the guilt makes me feel like I deserve it. But I spend more time feeling much better now, I just need to not get sucked into guilt as a compulsion and put a lid on all the other compulsions I have in general. Xmas is hard on us suffererd given the stressful time of year, so I'm proud that I'm coping well overall.

 

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41 minutes ago, Ollie46 said:

Thank you for this response Dksea, and apologies for taking so long to get back. I have been working an awful lot over this xmas period, a solid 60 hours a week, which I'm sure has had an impact on my mental health. Given that my job involves working very late nights and is quite a physical activity, I'm quite worn down. Tonight I feel horribly depressed.

One thing to work on, and this is something I still have to remind myself of, is that its OK to feel bad sometimes.  I will get days now and then where I just feel down.  Sometimes for no discernible reason.  I have to remember that its OK to feel that ways sometimes.  Everyone does.  I think OCD sufferers tend to try to avoid ALL negative feelings and see them as failures/gateways to OCD spikes when they happen.  One part of recovery is becoming ok with feeling not ok too.
 

43 minutes ago, Ollie46 said:

I have been feeling a bit better recently and, rationally, I know you are absolutely correct. I also know that, realistically, what I experienced was a direct result of having OCD because on the days where I experience very little OCD, I dont have those I intrusive thoughts or feelings at all! But as you say, I get stuck in the loop of guilt and analysing past events. Sometimes making the decision to not punish myself is difficult because the guilt makes me feel like I deserve it. But I spend more time feeling much better now, I just need to not get sucked into guilt as a compulsion and put a lid on all the other compulsions I have in general. Xmas is hard on us suffererd given the stressful time of year, so I'm proud that I'm coping well overall.

Sorry to hear the holiday season is so hard on you, I know thats true for a lot of people.  Its something I actually look forward too, so I hate to see people unable to enjoy it like I can (just like I hate to see people still struggling with OCD).  I think its good that you recognize that one days where the OCD is not as strong you react differently.  That should help you see through OCD's lies.  Of course when you are in the midst of an OCD spike  it becomes harder to accept that even when you know it logically.  One suggestion would be to make a card, perhaps something wallet sized, that you write down when you are having a better day where you write down some reminders of how you can see OCD more clearly.  Then you could laminate it and keep it with you.  When you are having a tough day, struggling to avoid guilt and rumination, it might help o have something tangible to hold and look at.  Reminding yourself in your own words/writing that you do NOT have anything to feel guilty about.  It might make it easier for you to let go in the tough times.  Another option would be to record your voice saying the same thing and listen to that from time to time when you are having a bad day.  (Of course, don't let it become a compulsion by listening to it over and over and over when you are feeling bad, just as an occasional tool, reminder to jolt you back on course.).

And congrats on feeling like you are coping better.  Even if you aren't up to 100%, knowing that you are at say 60% where in the past you might have been at 30% is worth celebrating.  As long as the overall trend is towards recovery thats good!.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello Ollie46,

I was looking through some of the December threads recently and when I came across 'Need some encouragement' it struck a chord. I have a very similar problem to your own. I won't go into details, but rest assured you are by no means on your own with this thing.

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