I could use some information

[hjkfgfgdh]

I have had contamination ocd since I was in year 7 (i'm in year 12 now) where I perform excessive cleaning after I urinate where I take a decent amount of time to get out every last bit and more importantly when I take a number 2 where I wipe aggressively for over an hour (to the point of blood) then I wash with: 2 hand washings (one with wrists); next in the shower with washing my legs; then my backside and lower back; then my front torso, genitals and my thighs again (I am a boy by the way if that makes any difference); then my arms and the sides of my torso again; then my hands twice (again one with wrists) and finally my hair, face and shoulders if I think I touched that too all this with soap and naked. All this takes 3-4 hours (I go on my phone otherwise I get really bored) with most of it sitting on the toilet (around an hour in the shower) and I do this on average once every 2 days as I hold it in for this time. This is all worse for me as I have eczema meaning I  have sensitive, dry skin so I have had to go to school with very irritated skin which stings.

For most of the time I have had this I didn't know it was ocd but when I accepted that it was it has been increasingly worrying me and I only ever told 1 person very vaguely that I have ocd recently (my friend) and it has got me even more worried about the consequences if people knew that I have ocd. I am not popular so I think that people would see me just as the kid with ocd and would therefore think I'm was just doing it for attention also I don't want to be seen just as mentally ill on top of how I don't want people to talk to me about it (it makes me very uncomfortable and sad which I will get to later) and that people may see some of the stuff I do as caused by my ocd. Also I think that my friend might tell people as again I don't think that he knows how important it is to me as he has been occasionally mentioning that I have it in our group of friends but I don't want to confront him about it because again I really don't want to tell him about it as I am quite ashamed of it and I am not very confrontational.

I really hate talking about my ocd I think a lot to do with my family. Of course they figured out that I have ocd but I think my parents do make me feel ashamed of my ocd for example if I am in the toilet and stopping people having a bath or brushing their teeth (I don't want to touch their toothbrushes if I think my hands are contaminated) (we also do have several toilets and showers but only one bath) my parents will knock loudly on the door, shout at me, call me selfish for holding them up (which is never my intention), try and unlock the door and come in and they have got in and forced me out of the shower before. This really makes me feel bad and angry that I am doing this to them and they are doing this to me. Also my Dad does sometimes make fun of me for my ocd calling me Howard Hughes or telling me off for my "year long showers" taking the hot water. My Mum has threatened to section me and repeatedly said she is going to force me to go to therapy which makes me feel even more crazy. They have both tried to talk to me about it which I don't want to do as I feel a very small emotional connection to them at the moment and they do it in their "pity" voices as if I'm insane. I think that they expect me to just get better if they discipline me about it.

In terms of therapy I have only gone to see someone once (my Mum forced me to and they were not a therapist but something like a psychiatrist) and  I  really hated it as my Mum was in the room the whole time and the way the person talked about it made me really uncomfortable. Also I have looked up how they treat ocd and the stopping compulsions treatment seems like complete hell for me so I am really reluctant to tell people as they may make me do it and I don't think I am resilient enough to do it.

I do know that I am partially responsible for this in not getting help which does make me ashamed of this flaw and I am very bad at asking for help as I don't like to admit I am too inadequate to do it. Now I'm just worried that my life will get worse if I do tell people and that people will find out on their own when I go on trips. Also I don't want university to be like how my home life is now if I have to share a bathroom. So I just want to know what it is like when people find out about your ocd, how bad my ocd and any other useful information that could help.

[PolarBear]

Hi bud.

Look, you have a severe case of OCD. That's the case anytime a sufferer spends that much time on compulsions and causes physical damage.

No reputable OCD therapist is going to force you to stop your compulsions. That's abuse, not therapy. If anyone tries that, run.

However, yes, you have to stop foing all thst wiping and cleaning. But, it needs to be done slowly and steadily.

Have you looked at accessing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

[Gemma7]

Hi, welcome to the forum

Polar bear is right, no therapist will make you stop compulsions, that's not their job at all. The aim of therapy is to build a safe relationship of equals in order to challenge OCD. 

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your parents is difficult at the moment. OCD can put a lot of strain on families and unfortunately parents can say unhelpful things when confronted with such a difficult problem. Try not to be too hard on yourself, many people have been where you are, myself included, you can't just know how to get better, you need to learn new ways to approach your problem. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is definitely worth looking into. With the help and support of a therapist, you will be surprised how much you can improve. Have a look at OCD-UK's Young person's guide, you can request a free copy or download an e-version here, 

http://www.ocduk.org/teens/

Hopefully it will help you see that you are not alone

There is also a really good self-help book out there called Break free from OCD. It's a great book to learn what CBT is. You might be able to pick it up at a library.

[ivybasil]

Hi there. You did the right think in reaching out here; I haven't been here long but have found this forum incredibly supportive and I hope it helps you, too! It can be nice even knowing how many people have gone through and understand what OCD is like! 

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. OCD is often very misunderstood and people don't always realise how much it affects someone's life. I try to imagine my OCD as being just like a physical illness: there's no shame in getting treatment and support for a broken leg, so nor should there be when OCD makes life difficult too! I can understand that it can be scary telling people what you're experiencing. It's up to you who you tell at the end of the day, but having someone there to support you is important too. Do you have a school counsellor or nurse you could talk to? Like Gemma said, the link above is really helpful and tells you more about where you can get help!

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy usually used to help treat OCD. You mentioned being worried about having to stop the compulsions but this will be on your terms, and gradually. My experience in therapy so far has been several sessions talking about my background, helping me understand why I feel I have to do compulsions and working at understanding more about the worries and thoughts I have. We did several weeks trying to work on changing how I respond to an obsessive thought and showing me ways to challenge them before I had to address any of my compulsions! My therapist encourages me to take steps to reduce compulsive behaviour or delay it, or stop altogether if it's appropriate, but the decision is mine to make at the end of the day. I've been finding that after a little while of trying to see the thoughts a little differently, I've built up more resilience to resist performing a compulsion. 

Therapy is not a punishment, or a sign that you are crazy. It's an opportunity for you to learn how to recover. You'd go to physio to help recover from a broken leg, right? Going to therapy is just the same - a chance for you to gain the skills to help yourself get stronger!  

I'm sorry things are difficult with your parents at the moment. When I first saw a community psychiatric nurse for therapy for anxiety when I was about 17, most of my appointments were alone, but once he understood my condition and situation better, we had an appointment at home with my parents there (this wasn't forced or compulsory, just an option!) and he was able to explain the condition to them much more clearly than I ever could! Perhaps this might be an option further down the line? 

You can recover from this and there are lots of resources and support on OCD-UK, and books you can look into.  

In terms of uni, there is a lot of help you can get there, too! You can get help to manage your OCD at uni, too. It's maybe a slightly different system as I'm studying in Scotland but there's usually a Student Support team at university, and often a Disability Service which you can make use of for mental health concerns as well as physical disabilities. For example, they can help you access funding for assistive equipment you might find helpful (computer programmes to help if you struggle with focus, etc), and ensure you've got extra support around exam times to ease anxiety, be it extra time, or a room by yourself or anything. There is lots of help available at uni! 

 

 

 

[Handy]

Obsessed TV has some episodes on this & actual cbt therapy. It’s 2 seasons. See what you would do in therapy.  There was one episode on a gal that cleaned more than you.