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Fearing relapse


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Hello. I was here several years ago regarding solipsism ocd. I got alot better, to where I wasn't even thinking about it much. But suddenly I can feel it trying to come back, and since it lasted so long last time it's got me spooked its going to come back like before.

It took about 5 years to get better, so the old 'what if it comes back and never stops' is trying to get me again.

Since it's been so long I could use a refresher on advice.

Im not answering the questions or asking what I believe, I just tell myself with ocd its not going to let me be satisfied anyway, so no point arguing.

Just a little scary to think about going back to that dark place.

Edited by Hosscat
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That would imply I was in therapy. I wasn't. I managed to get out of it but have no idea why it's come back the past few days.

I mean, I know there is literally nothing I can do to answer these questions. To make me feel better. I just don't understand why after so long it popped up so hard.

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16 minutes ago, Hosscat said:

That would imply I was in therapy. I wasn't. I managed to get out of it but have no idea why it's come back the past few days.

I mean, I know there is literally nothing I can do to answer these questions. To make me feel better. I just don't understand why after so long it popped up so hard.

Hosscat, ignore the unhelpful trite, smug sounding, 'get with the program' response above. 

I'll just say this, you've done it before, you know OCD's game plan, you have the tools, implement them. As you know - certainly for the vast majority of OCD sufferers, the disorder's chronic, and always has the potential to try again You're in the driver's seat. It's you at the wheel.  

Wishing you the best. 

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17 minutes ago, Hosscat said:

That would imply I was in therapy. I wasn't. I managed to get out of it but have no idea why it's come back the past few days.

I mean, I know there is literally nothing I can do to answer these questions. To make me feel better. I just don't understand why after so long it popped up so hard.

hey, When I had my original theme still unresolved in my mind, it rears its head from time to time, but something worse in life game along, fear of death, with real health conditions it helped me move past and start living, I never thought that something else ocd related could ever do as much damage as that theme, I literally thought if I could deal with that I could deal with anything and id never get myself in a position like that again, oh how wrong I was. OCD will always find things to latch onto, as your life goes on, it seems to adapt to and evolve, it seems to pop up when we are stressed or when you are grasping for control in life, I mean figuring out the why isnt really important and could actually become an obsession because you are never going to know why fully, and you can get into all kinds of freudian answers. Dont fear relapse I guess, fear is the mind killer, and all fear does is create more fear, but u know I wish I could take my own advice good luck.

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Thank you. It seemed like a miracle that I got out last time, so I guess I'm worried I won't have the same luck again kind of thing.

So to refresh, sit with anxiety let it come and go. It's ok if the thought feels real right now, OCD will do that, and just kinda 'give up' on fixing it and just do what I need to. This all sound like I'm on the right track?

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3 hours ago, Hosscat said:

Thank you. It seemed like a miracle that I got out last time, so I guess I'm worried I won't have the same luck again kind of thing.

So to refresh, sit with anxiety let it come and go. It's ok if the thought feels real right now, OCD will do that, and just kinda 'give up' on fixing it and just do what I need to. This all sound like I'm on the right track?

That's right, don't let the OCD faze you, that's what it wants. The theme is absolutely irrelevant. And luck? Luck had nothing to do with you having put the disorder on the run before, it was your own doing. You can do it again. 

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3 hours ago, Hosscat said:

So to refresh, sit with anxiety let it come and go. It's ok if the thought feels real right now, OCD will do that, and just kinda 'give up' on fixing it and just do what I need to. This all sound like I'm on the right track?

Spot on.  Definitely on the right track Hosscat!

It can be scary to think about dealing with a major OCD flare up again, I know I don't want to, but its kind of like anything in life, you can't guarantee it'll never happen (or that it will happen).  Part of taking away OCD's power is trying not to cling to absolute certainty, and ironically that can include the certainty that OCD will never bother you again.  Many sufferers struggle with this the first time they have a relapse/flare up.  They feel really great that they got past the OCD once, they start to think it might never bother them again.  And for some of them hey maybe it won't.  But for many of us, OCD can flare up.  Can creep back in to our lives.  Thats the bad news.  The good news is what worked before will work again, and in my experience it becomes easier to deal with as you get practice. Once I had been exposed to the therapy side of OCD recovery (CBT, ERP, etc.), even when I've had problems with my OCD its pretty much been easier than the previous time.  One key part is I've been able to react to it much quicker and sooner, preventing things form spiraling out fo control and dealing with it when it was in the early stages.  Sounds like you are maybe in that place right now, but the good news is you are being proactive about it!  You are taking the right steps and trying to confront things before it flares up.

One thing you might want to do (if you haven't already) is pick up a self-guided CBT book (the OCD-UK store has some).  It might help you to have some exercises that you can do to help.  I find having structured actions I can take generally helps my approach to anxiety, it helps keep me calm knowing I can take a systematic approach to it.  

Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders in dealing with this little monster we call OCD.

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Thank you. I know the hole I had gotten into last time was awfully deep, and took a long time to climb out of.

The hard part is you have to really not be paying attention for it to 'leave' for it to actually go. Since i've been pretty good for awhile im now like, hyper aware its there and like 'aw man, you're still around today?' XD

Woke up with that heavy feeling of anxiety and the thoughts creeping at the corner of my mind. Got kind of fed up and mentally told my brain if it wants to think of that scary stuff then fine, we'll think of it. So I brought all the bad thoughts on willingly and surprisingly the anxiety just dropped away. Like, it was a heavy weight in my chest and stomach but when I did that it just poofed.

I do hate how it can make something like solipsism feel true. I know before I was mentally checking to like, gauge how much I believed it or not. I'm trying to take the whatever approach right now. Whatever, I wont be able to tell with OCD screaming it's head off at me anyway, why bother. XD

It sure seems like it will be easier this time, here's hoping. Going to try to not get on here much unless I need a push.

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Something im struggling with, and im not sure if its a compulsion or not, is that when the feelings or thought pops in im like 'its still there', mentally. I don't think im checking to see if its there, it certainly doesn't feel like im consciously doing it. But a big part of this theme for me was having it forever, so I suspect its somehow a compulsion.

But I don't really know what to do about that one as it feels like I can't control it. Not sure that makes sense.... When I think 'its still there' ive been going 'yeah, and it might be for a very long time, lets do something else'.

I really think one of the hardest parts is trying not to wait to actually feel better ><

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1 hour ago, Hosscat said:

But I don't really know what to do about that one as it feels like I can't control it. Not sure that makes sense.... When I think 'its still there' ive been going 'yeah, and it might be for a very long time, lets do something else'.

I really think one of the hardest parts is trying not to wait to actually feel better ><

Yeah, its frustrating, the automatic reactions can take awhile to relearn.  Your attitude here is again correct, to treat the thought as not a big deal, to accept that you had the thought, you might have it again, but oh well, its not the end of the world.  It is hard dealing with the hyperawareness of "am I better yet".  I know when I was going through rough patches it would go to bed at night hoping I would be better the next day, and of course that meant the first thing I thought of in the morning is "am I worrying yet today?" and already I've started off my day in the wrong mindset.  So difficult!  

A lot of people think recovery is never having the unwanted thought again.  The reality is that recovery is being able to have the thought and it not being a big deal.  If your goal is to never have a particular intrusive thought again you will almost certainly fail.  But if your goal is to be able to have a given intrusive thought and not freak out about it, for it to be no big deal, and even to get to the point where you barely (if at all) notice it, that you can do.

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Yeah, I don't mind having the thought per se. It's the power it has. When I was doing well it would pop in occasionally, but it didn't really bother me. It didn't have that scary ring of truth, or that feeling like you're stuck in your head instead of just living. It's amazing how fast that can do a 180 on you!

That's what im hoping to get back to. To not be bothered by it again, and as such its not the focus all the time. It would pop in for like, a second or two every month or so, and poof. Considering I felt like I went from a practically delusional terrified mess that was amazing.

So frustrating I got there before and it slipped away :(

 

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16 minutes ago, Hosscat said:

So frustrating I got there before and it slipped away :(

Absolutely frustrating, but as you said, you dealt with it before, so that shows you can deal with it again, and this time you are in a better position, more well informed and prepared.  Try to focus on that side of the equation.

Unfortunately OCD is more of a chronic condition, flare ups can happen and if/when they do you kinda just have to deal with it.  Not ideal, but its also not the end of the world, promise.

In a way you can think of it like getting a cold, its not something people enjoy, while its happening it feels terrible and you wish it was over, but mostly the only thing you can do is wait and take care of yourself as best you can in the meantime.  When its over you'll feel relief.  Unfortunately you'll probably have a cold again at some point in your life and have to deal with it again, but only for a short time.

Your better prepared this time around, use what you learned from last time, and you'll probably find that this time isn't as severe as last time, but overall the most important thing is that you can get through this, you can get back to where you want to be again.

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Thanks. I really appreciate having support. With this theme in particular im hesitant to talk about it with anybody that doesn't understand. Even I know I can sound crazy with it XD

I know I would see people with the same theme talk about how they got over it in a few months or a year, and I always felt like the odd one out since it took me five years to get better.

I like viewing it like a cold... I'm going to view the anxiety/distress I feel that I withstand/don't push away as a big dose of medicine :D

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Any advice on dealing with the 'hyperawareness' and the whole 'i'm still not better yet' issue? That's whats slowing me down alot (and I know the fact that this is winter break so im not as busy as I was isnt helping).

I mean, of course im wanting to get back to how good it was before this setback, so its hard to not be impatient. It surprisingly is helping alot when I tell myself that there is literally nothing I can do about all this. Like, I can't make the feelings or thoughts go, if the thought is true or not I can't do anything about it anyway. Though I do hate how when it feels true it kills motivation.

Mostly that preoccupied 'there is a problem to deal with' feeling in my head is annoying, and im not sure what to do about that ><

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7 hours ago, Hosscat said:

Any advice on dealing with the 'hyperawareness' and the whole 'i'm still not better yet' issue? That's whats slowing me down alot (and I know the fact that this is winter break so im not as busy as I was isnt helping).

For me, keeping busy has been the biggest help, not just sitting around the house all the time.  Going for a walk, listening to music/podcasts, going to social events (even when I don't feel 100% up to it).  When I do have downtime watching engaging TV, playing games that keep my brain occupied, doing puzzles (crossword, sudoku), reading books.  Another one that helps is doing the stuff you always put off, especially chores.  I hate doing chores and am a terrible procrastinator but actually doing them and getting them out of the way is such a relief in the end (you'd think I'd learn that lesson and just do them to begin with, heh) and gives you a positive feeling of getting things DONE that it also helps me.  

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I hate how with this particular thought it makes being with loved ones so painful. Had a hard cry today. It's so hard believing I can come back from something feeling so true.

I've spent alot of today with very flared anxiety, just telling myself whether it's true or not there is nothing I can do about it. It's annoying because it's like a weight always there and I'm not sure if I'm responding correctly or somehow ruminating ><

I seem to recall that when you start doing the correct thing it actually makes it worse for a time?

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1 hour ago, Hosscat said:

I seem to recall that when you start doing the correct thing it actually makes it worse for a time?

It can feel worse, because you are getting minor, temporary, relief from compulsions.  Also, you aren't pushing back against the thought so it can seem stronger than before.  A lot of it is subjective experience and perception of course so its hard to judge from person to person of course.

Meanwhile, its ok to feel bad, its ok to struggle, its ok to cry.  I mean you are experiencing a type of trauma, it makes sense you would have trouble at times feeling "ok".  One of the things I think most of us with OCD struggle with is not feeling "ok" in general, not just about our OCD thoughts.  We spend so much energy fighting off negative thoughts and wanting to get back to positive, comfortable, places, we forget that its totally normal to feel bad sometimes.  That its part of life to be tired, or angry, or sad, etc.  We so closely associate these feelings with our OCD that we think that anytime they happen its somehow related to OCD and MUST be fought off.  All these years later its something I'm still working on myself.  I'm getting better I think, but even now if I feel somehow "off" it can trigger the OCD part of my brain.  Getting ok with feeling not ok is part of recovery too.  Feeling sad/angry/tired/etc. doesn't mean you aren't getting better, even though it can feel that way sometimes.

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