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constantworrier1989

Getting married in just over a month

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Hi everyone, so I’ve been struggling with ROCD since my fiancé and I first moved in together a few years ago. I’ve been able to manage it fairly well, I mean kind of okay, and in the meantime we moved to a totally different state together and got engaged. 

Now, the wedding is in just over a month and oh my god my brain. I’ve been doing decently well but today is bad - it doesn’t help that it’s that time of the month. It always gets bad around this time. 

My main focus (right now) is that I’m scared. I know that I love him, despite my intrusive thoughts and doubts about that. But the fact that I’m scared of getting married/ marriage is freaking me the hell out. I’ve talked to him, my mom, and my sister about this and they all say it’s normal... but ugh. I just can’t relax! To top it off two of my bridesmaids are being horrible. Does the fact that I’m scared and anxious mean I don’t want this? Does anyone else feel this anxious before they get married???

We paid off the photographer today, which I thought would bring me relief but now I just feel more anxious. 

I don’t even know what I’m rambling about anymore to be honest. I’m just all over the place and I hate that I’m not just blissfully happy in this, the time of my engagement. Instead my heart is racing and just ugh! 

I don’t even know what I want from posting this. Maybe I just wanted to rant. If anyone has tips or experience with this, please share.

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0CD has an estrogen component so it flares up with periods then gets better. You could wait it out?

Edited by Handy

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Marriage is a major life event and they have a habit of kicking off OCD worries.  My own first OCD worries started in the six months before my wedding.  That's over 40 years ago, long before I knew about OCD......I'm still married today.

Try to keep the reassurance/checking compulsions at bay (asking Mum, Sister).  Compulsions keep OCD alive.....try & identify what they are and resolve to resist those urges.  Rumination is also the biggest compulsion that we do.....so be ready for that almost-automatic habit of thinking, of trying to resolve & eradicate the doubt fears.

Most people go through the process of thinking "Is this what I want?", "Am I sure?", "Do I love him?", "What if I'm wrong?"........All very normal thoughts.  You have OCD and the thought process grabs them, ramps them up & runs with them.  You know you have OCD, try and apply the knowledge & work on the compulsions that arise.  When is the Wedding?

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16 minutes ago, Handy said:

0CD has an estrogen component so it flares up with periods then gets better. You could wait it out?

I’m trying. It’s just kind of breaking my heart that I’m feeling this way :( 

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1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

Marriage is a major life event and they have a habit of kicking off OCD worries.  My own first OCD worries started in the six months before my wedding.  That's over 40 years ago, long before I knew about OCD......I'm still married today.

Try to keep the reassurance/checking compulsions at bay (asking Mum, Sister).  Compulsions keep OCD alive.....try & identify what they are and resolve to resist those urges.  Rumination is also the biggest compulsion that we do.....so be ready for that almost-automatic habit of thinking, of trying to resolve & eradicate the doubt fears.

Most people go through the process of thinking "Is this what I want?", "Am I sure?", "Do I love him?", "What if I'm wrong?"........All very normal thoughts.  You have OCD and the thought process grabs them, ramps them up & runs with them.  You know you have OCD, try and apply the knowledge & work on the compulsions that arise.  When is the Wedding?

That’s really encouraging to hear. I’m glad you’re doing well in your marriage! I know I’m doing every compulsion under the sun, it’s just so hard. Checking, ruminating, confessing. Everything! I’m being weak but trying not to be. 
 

the wedding is January 16th.

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Tomorrow's a new day........a good day to resolve to try and do things differently.  So, be ready.  Work on the reassurance-seeking....when your mouth wants to open & ask that question :shutup: Zip It.....pause, wait, resist.  I found reassurance seeking the easiest compulsion to stop, once I was aware of it.  Do your best.  Rumination is a bit harder but being aware of it is a good starter.  Watch out and catch when your brain is slipping automatically into that thinking process.  Be aware of what you're doing.  Gently pull it back into the moment.  Your brain will keep pulling it back to thinking.  Again, be aware and actively know why and break the cycle.

it's not easy but knowing why this is happening, it is do-able.

You will have a lovely Wedding Day and I'm sure (despite your OCD) you'll have a happy Marriage.  Wishing you lot's of Luck.  :)

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12 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Tomorrow's a new day........a good day to resolve to try and do things differently.  So, be ready.  Work on the reassurance-seeking....when your mouth wants to open & ask that question :shutup: Zip It.....pause, wait, resist.  I found reassurance seeking the easiest compulsion to stop, once I was aware of it.  Do your best.  Rumination is a bit harder but being aware of it is a good starter.  Watch out and catch when your brain is slipping automatically into that thinking process.  Be aware of what you're doing.  Gently pull it back into the moment.  Your brain will keep pulling it back to thinking.  Again, be aware and actively know why and break the cycle.

it's not easy but knowing why this is happening, it is do-able.

You will have a lovely Wedding Day and I'm sure (despite your OCD) you'll have a happy Marriage.  Wishing you lot's of Luck.  :)

Thank you! Tomorrow is a new day :) 

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It is.  Seize it.  Be ready, make tomorrow a day of practising a new way.  It won't be easy but make that start :)

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I’ve been feeling a little better about things, but I noticed whenever I hear the word “forever” I get deeply uncomfortable and my heart starts to race. Is this just a trigger word? Does it mean anything that it scares me? What do I do? 😭

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3 hours ago, constantworrier1989 said:

I’ve been feeling a little better about things, but I noticed whenever I hear the word “forever” I get deeply uncomfortable and my heart starts to race. Is this just a trigger word? Does it mean anything that it scares me? What do I do? 😭

A general rule of thumb I follow is this:
If you think it MIGHT be OCD, it probably is.

So how does that apply for your situation?  Well part of your current difficulty is wondering whether or not your fears are being played up by OCD or not.  If you aren't sure, then the best course of action is to assume they are.  Assume this is all a bunch of OCD garbage.  Treat it all as OCD.  That means trying to avoid compulsions like reassurance seeking from your fiancé, family, etc. Another compulsion you are probably deep in the midst of is rumination, constantly analyzing your feelings, the situation, etc. to try and 'solve' your anxiety.  Its tempting and probably almost automatic at this point.  When you notice yourself doing it, remind yourself this is OCD, and you don't have to respond.  Assume the discomfort you feel is from OCD.  Give yourself permission to feel anxiety and not assume the worst, anxiety sucks, you don't want it, but its not the end of the world, even though it sometimes feels that way.

Its romantic and all to say people found "the one", that they are 100% sure, etc. etc. but the reality is no one can EVER be 100% sure about anything.  For most people that's not a problem, they feel sure enough and think its 100%.  For people with OCD< when it comes to our intrusive worries we don't get that "sure enough" feeling and so we THINK we have to get to 100% sure.  But you don't actually have to, no matter what OCD says which is good, since its an impossible goal.  So you can't (and no one can) be 100% sure about getting married.  You don't have to be.  You can get married anyway and that won't be some huge mistake.  Even IF some day down the line things don't work out it still wouldn't be some huge mistake.  Marriage is a big commitment, and a wedding can be a special and important day in our lives, but the day itself is actually a small part of your overall life.  It doesn't have to be perfect, YOU don't have to be perfect.  Enjoy it as much as you can, but its ok to worry, its ok to have some struggle.  You have OCD, and thats what it does.  Do your best, thats all anyone can ask.

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I don’t know if this is even ocd related, but I know there are a lot of married people on here and I want to ask - we’re you scared and anxious before the wedding? It’s not even about my partner, it’s just... in general? 
 

any tips on calming myself down?

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Congratulations on your wedding! 😁

I'm not married so can't directly help with wedding nerves but perhaps some mindfulness exercises might help with the anxiety?

One I like is trying to focus only on the immediate task. Ignore the big picture, just focus on 'right now I need to get dressed/eat breakfast' etc. 🙂 I actually think I picked this up from a TV show about a wedding now I think about it! I find it very useful when dealing with something overwhelming (good or bad!) though!

Congratulations again! 😁

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3 hours ago, ivybasil said:

Congratulations on your wedding! 😁

I'm not married so can't directly help with wedding nerves but perhaps some mindfulness exercises might help with the anxiety?

One I like is trying to focus only on the immediate task. Ignore the big picture, just focus on 'right now I need to get dressed/eat breakfast' etc. 🙂 I actually think I picked this up from a TV show about a wedding now I think about it! I find it very useful when dealing with something overwhelming (good or bad!) though!

Congratulations again! 😁

Thank you! I’ll try that. I’m also trying breathing exercises. It’s just the fact that I’m anxious about it is making me feel like something is wrong. Guess it is OCD 😂😭

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I was very anxious in the run up to my Wedding.  There were (what I know now as/didn't then/diagnosis 20 years away) OCD worries......one being that I might die before the wedding date.  There were silly worries like what if I want to go to the toilet during the ceremony?  There was generalised, low-key anxiety in the months before.  It is a big thing and it will throw up doubts and questions regardless of the OCD.  The OCD tends to make you fixate and ruminate rather more if you're not careful.

The drive to the church was a bit (naturally) scary.....but the second I walked through the church door it was just fine.......it was a truly wonderful day and I'm still married over 40 years later,  the stars didn't fall from the sky........if it hadn't have worked out, I could have walked away if I wanted to.

No-one can guarantee happy ever after or forever....and that goes for anything.  You've pretty much identified your worries as falling into the OCD spectrum.....try your best to handle them as such.  Watch the rumination in particular.  

Your worries are not that unusual amongst non-sufferers, you just have to put a little more work in :)

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