Same time of year,same aaagh

[battlethrough]

Sorry for the silly title and sorry for me about to churn out the same stuff rehashed.

I felt like ocd had gone after years of different meds and a great phyce.

Cut to the chase,me and my lovely partner said some vile stuff to eachother after way to many wines,i went to bed and for some reason i played out in my head sexual scenarios about my partners mum and my grown up adult non blood niece,dont know how it all came into my mind but in my drunken state im sure i breifly entertained these thoughts.

Result,i am now back to square one,my mind is crumbling fast ,my anxiety and need to confess are huge,i cant remember all the tools i was taught,i honestly just wanted one nice xmas but again its shatterd because of my foolish mind.

Feel totally disgusted with my self,i know it will now change forms all winter consuming me with self hate and self disgust over any non pure thought or any sexual fantasy ive had confirming im a cheat of the mind.

Didnt want to come back to this site and ive been give n great dupport and advice before,just feel i could do eith a little support as i feel totally lost again

[battlethrough]

Should i just accept im a good man but a bit of a perv

[battlethrough]

Trying to keep calm,cant beleave im in this darkness again,as always i want to confess as i beleave she deserves to know but at the same time i know it will cause pain and confusion and that it will only morph into something else to confess.

[malina]

Hi Battlethrough,

I think you just need to understand that thoughts and fantasies are just that, they are not actions. Nobody deserves to go through the hell of OCD because they have had a fantasy about someone. This is all blown completely out of proportion and if you allow yourself to confess, you'll just plunge yourself back into this chaos. I also keep reading this "she deserves to know" in different forms in lots of posts, but does she really? Do any of us really have to confess every thought that we have to our loved ones? Does your partner confess every single fantasy she has to you? I think you need to put this into perspective and try to make yourself understand that this is really not such a big deal. 

[malina]

2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

i know it will now change forms all winter consuming me with self hate and self disgust over any non pure thought or any sexual fantasy ive had confirming im a cheat of the mind.

If you know this is going to happen and can recognise the pattern then try to put a full stop to it right now. Try to change your thinking and behaviour and let this go. 

[battlethrough]

Thanks for your time,i have been on and off this forum for years,for some reason as the nights draw in this seems a pattern,i have caused my other half so much pain from confessing and ended up in hospital from confessing so much that i nearly lost my family and yet that awful feeling to confess is so powerful.

I know i have to ride this out and do my best to not seek do compulsions but its very very hard atm,thanks again for your support

[battlethrough]

Before the obsession kicks in i have no problem with fantasys,j am dedicated to my partner but have felt free to use my imagination,but as soon as it hits it feels so wrong,so honestly when im in a good place should i surpress my thoughts and fantasies as they always come back to destroy me,

[battlethrough]

Saying that i dont know if it was fantasy or observing intrusions,and i know i shouldnt even try to work it out,but its lime having your own brain taken over by the enemy

[battlethrough]

Sorry,im doing everything i shouldnt.bloody illness

[battlethrough]

Looking back on this post,it is a confession and is reassurance seeking,i know its wrong,the anxiety gets so much that i break down and cry,but the tempory releave is making it worse,i want to ride this,dont know if im strong enough any more

[Handy]

Fantasy doesn’t violate anyone’s rights.  Alcohol causes serotonin to decrease so you obsess more. That’s what you triggered. This is known as Alcohol Anxiety  So if you have OCD already you’re getting a big hit. 

[battlethrough]

Getting extremly ill now again.wish i could see it as nothing,the srlf disgust is keeping me up at night,im a zombie at eork,my partner is asking if im ok and i dont know what to tell her as that would be confessing,its a very grey area i think,some people would say im sick and others maby not.

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi bt  

What do you think the best thing for you to do in this situation is? X 

[Closed for repairs]

It's not a grey area, you got drunk had a row, had a sex dream about your partners mum and now feel guilty.

The drunk row, not good, but it happens, and this is OCD advice not relationship tips.

The sex fantasy, yes mate that's you and everyone one else, that bit of your brain is a law unto itself, and obviously no one much discusses it at dinner, but most people have some kind of this.

Your compulsion is to confess, you have already confessed to us, and we haven't been able to provide the reassurance you need, we can't that's not how OCD works.

Telling anyone else won't help either, you are going to have let it go and get on with your life.

[Binxy]

Come on BT- time to climb back out of that rabbit hole. Look at your old posts- there is a pattern here. Don't let this spiral out of control and ruin a lovely time with your Mrs over Christmas.

[battlethrough]

Thank you both,

I know what i should be doing,nothing ,not engaging,letting it be,giving no attention.no comulsions.

Instead my brains on lock overdrive,i mean for christs sake im 40 shes 70,never see her like that so my brain is racking around in confusion.

The questions

Was it a fantasy or was it drunken intrusions.

Did i enjoy it or was it arousel just from being  sex images just because of the subject.

Did i create it and develop the story.

Then my logic side says i will find no awnser,dont question it,leave it one,you will never be sure.

Always battling myself

 

 

[Closed for repairs]

1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

The questions

Was it a fantasy or was it drunken intrusions.

Did i enjoy it or was it arousel just from being  sex images just because of the subject.

Does it matter, it's not like you thought about it then decided to give it a go.

 

1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

Then my logic side says i will find no awnser,dont question it,leave it one,you will never be sure.

This, these are the facts, you will never be sure, so leave it alone.

[Closed for repairs]

2 hours ago, Binxy said:

Look at your old posts- there is a pattern here

I had a look and he's right.

It goes

Drinking

Intrusive thoughts

Trying to remember

Looking on internet

Urge to confess.

The drinking doesn't help, I love a drink, but your tales of woe always seem to start with drinking...

Sorry

[Closed for repairs]

This bloke seems to have the right idea!

Its like reading a book on how to properly fix a bike but leaving it broken in the garage

Only now at the age of 34 am I takeing the steps to fully arm myself mentaly for a better life,I know it wont just go but we must be brave enough to keep working at beating this, however scary as accepting the thoughts is.

I think you know him!

[battlethrough]

Wow,did i write that 

It gives me a mixture of emotions,good that i go through stages of feeling strong and sad that it still snares me and pulls me into the well.

I am trying so hard to ignore it,let it be ,not engage,but these demons really know how to consume every bit of the mind,it just eats you up from the inside,constant images of whatever the images were that drunk night,as ever much as i try my i find my brain trying to work out why i could think those things and if i conjured it up,exhausting,i know its the wrong thing to do but its as if it does it on its own,the guilt and need to confess is crippling.

[paradoxer]

The irony is that those demons are paper tigers ... nothing at all. 

[battlethrough]

Really dont know how much longer i can take this,i am just full of terror and dispare as soon as i wake,i have tommorow off work but im dreading the that too.cant face another day

[battlethrough]

How can i not confess,yet again this is eating me up,im just a shell,why cant i just leave it without feeling she must know,

[Closed for repairs]

Come on mate you know as well as I do if you confess this, it won't make you feel much better, upset everyone else, and you will be back here with a new one next week!

[battlethrough]

I know,its so hard though,i feel like a vile lying man