Acceptance?

[Hosscat]

Am I correct in that I accept my fears are a possibility, that I just won't know? Or do I need to fight and say it's OCD?

Accepting it might be true feels like I'm just saying it is true, and it hurts pretty bad... 

But, saying it's OCD causes all those little doubting mind games too. 

[dksea]

8 hours ago, Hosscat said:

Am I correct in that I accept my fears are a possibility, that I just won't know? Or do I need to fight and say it's OCD?

Accepting it might be true feels like I'm just saying it is true, and it hurts pretty bad... 

But, saying it's OCD causes all those little doubting mind games too. 

Everyone has unwanted thoughts and fears.  And fears ARE possible.  They might be highly unlikely, but they are possible, you can never be 100% sure, thats what OCD demands but its an impossible goal to meet.  

Consider the following possibility:  You could be a serial killer who only kills people when you are asleep.  There's a secret, second personality inside you that controls your body at night and kills people.  Now, when I tell you that, its likely you don't worry about it.  Why not?  Because your brain automatically decides that the likelihood of it being true is exceptionally low and thus doesn't bother to worry about it.  Your brain doesn't know for 100% its not true, but its pretty sure, and its definitely sure ENOUGH, to ignore it and move on.  On the off chance that you have exactly that intrusive thought that your OCD has latched on to, we can pick any other situation.  That you are secretly an alien.  That you have unknowingly run over old people on the road with your car and blocked it out.  Etc.  I can come up with an infinite number of technically plausible but unlikely situations.  Are they true? Probably not.  But you can't guarantee it 100% because NOTHING can be guaranteed 100%.  Its only because you have OCD that you sometimes feel like you have to be 100% certain of one or a handful of things.  That feels very scary and uncomfortable, you WANT to be certain so the anxiety will go away, but since you can't be 100% certain you have to move on in a different way and let the anxiety fade on its own.

Now, while you recover you CAN use the fact that you have OCD to help you manage your reactions to your thoughts, but you can't blame OCD for the thoughts themselves.  OCD isn't why you have a particular thought, its why you RESPOND to a particular thought in a certain way, an improper response that causes you distress.  You shouldn't say "this thought isn't real, its just OCD".  Because the thought IS real, you can't have a fake thought.  Instead you should say something like "Maybe the thought is true, maybe its not, but the reason I'm worrying is because of OCD, and I don't have to play OCD's game".  It won't make your fear instantly go away, but will help the uneasiness you feel, maybe only a little at first, but more over time until you don't need to remind yourself, your brain will j Ust automatically assume.

Accepting a fear outcome as possible can itself be pretty scary, but there is a difference between saying something is possible and saying something is true.

You can have a thought, a thought that would be terrible if true, but that doesn't MAKE it true.  For example, you could have the thought right now, that I am dead by the time you read this.  Dropped dead from a heart attack.  That would be a sad thing (well for me at least) if it were true.  But you (or I ) having that thought doesn't make it any more or less likely.  You can have that thought every day for the rest of your life, it won't change what happens. to me.  A thought is just a thought, maybe it comes true, maybe it doesn't, but merely having the thought doesn't make a difference.  It'll seem scary at first to accept the possibility of a feared outcome possibly being true.  After all you've been fighting it for awhile.  But you have to remind yourself, you have to decide to believe, that a thought is just a thought, no matter how scary it seems.

[Hosscat]

I want to believe that so badly that this is just a thought. It feels like there is a wall in my head that won't let me do that though. Instead my head is screaming 'this is true! Nothing is real! Your loved ones, your life! You lost them all and you're alone. You believe this.'

It hurts so much.

It's hard to believe I can come back from such a strong feeling, even though I was better last time, when the thought of I believed solipsism popped up I just didn't answer. I didn't feel confidence it wasn't.

I just want that confidence it's not true

 

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Hosscat said:

I want to believe that so badly that this is just a thought. It feels like there is a wall in my head that won't let me do that though. Instead my head is screaming 'this is true! Nothing is real! Your loved ones, your life! You lost them all and you're alone. You believe this.'

Unfortunately for now OCD is making you feel doubt, and so you start to think your fear might be true, strongly believe it even.  In order to overcome this you have to work to respond to those thoughts as if they are NOT true.  First you act like its not true, THEN you'll come to believe it.  OCD sufferers struggle because they believe the thinking part has to come first.  Its certainly not fun or easy to act like something you fear, something that seems SO real is not true, but thats what you have to do.  Maybe things are real, maybe they are not, but for now at least you are going to behave as if they are.  Keep that up, work on not responding to the intrusive thoughts, and things will shift back to normal.

And yes, when you are in the middle of an OCD storm it seems like it won't get better, that things will always be this bad, but thats seldom the case.

One of my therapists explained it like being lost in a big forrest.  Obviously not a good thing, its dark and scary and you feel all alone.  But if you want to get out you gotta start walking.  The thing is, you can be making progress, maybe a lot of progress, but it will SEEM like you are still stuck in the middle of the forest, because all around you its still dark and there are still lots of trees.  Its very likely until you start getting pretty close to the edge of the forest you won't notice as much difference.  But then, at some point, things will start to change much more quickly, and before you know it you're outside the forest, looking back and things are not as scary as they seemed.  Your perspective is different now.  You might be tempted at times to give up and just sit down in the woods, surely you'll be lost forever, things haven't really changed even though you've been walking for what seems like forever. But you might be just on the edge of breaking free into the light of day.  It would be a damn shame for you to put in all that work and give up right before the big reward right?  Yes its tough to not know how far you need to keep going to get out of the forest, but if you stop even TRYING to get out, well then you definitely won't ever be free.  Keep walking out of the forrest, it seems dark and scary now, but it'll clear up eventually.

 

[Madrid19]

acceptance is the key in OCD,even though its is differcult to live with.Exposure therapy helps but doesn't cure it.

[Hosscat]

I'm scared. What if I can't accept, or just acting like everything is ok doesn't change this belief. Im scared I'll be stuck...

[Madrid19]

I can relate to that,sometimes I have similar problems with lingering fears that just wont shake off,again this is anxiety undermining you

[PolarBear]

Do you at least agree that how you have been handling this is not working?

[Hosscat]

Yes, I do agree with that. I'm just so scared.

[PolarBear]

So if what you have been doing is not working, maybe you should try something different. No?

[Hosscat]

Yes, you're right. It's just hard to stick with it long enough to see improvement. I start worrying it just won't happen and panic even more.

[dksea]

19 hours ago, Hosscat said:

Yes, you're right. It's just hard to stick with it long enough to see improvement. I start worrying it just won't happen and panic even more.

As hockey great Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

If you try to get better, you might not. 
If you DONT try to get better, you definitely won’t!

If you are afraid of not getting better, then giving up on trying is the worst choice you could make.

[Hosscat]

I am trying to take the advice here, I know it doesn't seem like that. But I'm trying to act like everything is normal, and I'm doing things I need to get done during the day, I just have these horrendous feelings I'm carrying around ALL day.... It's very scary to think I might have to for the rest of my life, all because one thought I had that messed everything up....

[Handy]

It’s rarely mentioned here but how you eat & sleep affects your thought system. It’s important to get lots of rest, avoid nicotine, caffeine, meth, & alcohol as these can all raise anxiety or stimulate the thought system.

[Hosscat]

I do get plenty of rest, and avoid all that stuff at least. Though stress is something I couldn't avoid, and I think that's what brought this back on so hard.

Sadly, I do feel in a way that im not going to get all the way better. Even when things were better, there was alot of doubt with this thought when it did pop in, the thought just didn't stick around. I think, for me, there wont be that looking back and thinking 'that thought was nonsense' type scenario. At least it doesn't seem so. Lord knows at the moment it just seems true, and I feel like im lying to myself that its not.

I know I have to be driving you all nuts on here, and nobody can guarantee i'll make it anyway.

 

[dksea]

8 hours ago, Hosscat said:

I am trying to take the advice here, I know it doesn't seem like that. But I'm trying to act like everything is normal, and I'm doing things I need to get done during the day, I just have these horrendous feelings I'm carrying around ALL day.... It's very scary to think I might have to for the rest of my life, all because one thought I had that messed everything up....

Unfortunately OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.  It requires one of the things that I still struggle with to this day, patience.  Just keep doing your best, keep treating yourself well, keep reducing and avoiding compulsions, keep reminding yourself that you don't have to do what OCD demands.  Try to fill your time with positive activities.  Keep getting good rest, good food etc.  Exercise can help, mindful meditation can help.  If you aren't seeing a therapist/doctor about this maybe look in to that or get a CBT self help book.  Both can help you put together a more structured plan for recovery.  Often its hard to see the improvements and victories early on when you don't know what to look for or don't plan for it.  Having something structured can help create measurable goals that will in turn help you feel more confident in your progress.

[Hosscat]

Thank you. That is the hardest part, especially when things get so dark all at once like tonight. It's like, well, if this doesn't work, what else will I have to try? Isn't there people out there who do the right things but still don't get better?

I realize getting on here and such is a compulsion, so im going to make a plan for myself.

No coming here for a week. Try to halt rumination, stay busy. Respond to thoughts with 'I dont care'. Act like everything is real and fine. Hopefully I can be brave enough.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Hosscat

[dksea]

3 hours ago, Hosscat said:

It's like, well, if this doesn't work, what else will I have to try? Isn't there people out there who do the right things but still don't get better?

As in all parts of life its possible things won't work out, unfortunately part of life is not being able to offer absolute guarantees.
Its possible there are people out there who try their best and are still unable to kick OCD, which is a very sad thing.  But we know that the majority of people can recover.  If, for whatever reason, conventional treatment using CBT and medication really don't work for you there are a few alternatives, but in all honesty I think you are a long way from needing to even consider that.

Its natural to fear that things might not improve, even without OCD, and especially common WITH OCD.  But that doesn't mean they won't.  Try to remind yourself of that from time to time.  
 

3 hours ago, Hosscat said:

I realize getting on here and such is a compulsion, so im going to make a plan for myself.

No coming here for a week. Try to halt rumination, stay busy. Respond to thoughts with 'I dont care'. Act like everything is real and fine. Hopefully I can be brave enough.

Its good to have a plan, but also remember that you don't have to break all your habits and compulsions all at once.  Its important to push yourself past your comfort zone, otherwise you won't make any changes.  But its also important not to overextend yourself, trying to make too many changes at once, and/or trying to make too big of a change.  For example, if hand washing was your compulsion, you don't have to go straight from 5 times per sink visit to 1, you can gradually decrease.  4 would be better than 5 and might be more managable/less stressful than 5 to 1. 

And yes, the forum can become a bit of a compulsion, its good to remain aware of that.  If you can step away for a week and tackle some of this thats great.  But if you find that a week is a little too much, maybe you can cut back to once a day, for a fixed amount of time.  Then once every few days, then once a week.  Just something to keep in mind.

[Hosscat]

Well, im home alone, sitting here sobbing and wailing that I want my mom and dad.

I'm not fighting with the thought. But it hurts so so bad...

[humbleno1]

1 hour ago, Hosscat said:

Well, im home alone, sitting here sobbing and wailing that I want my mom and dad.

I'm not fighting with the thought. But it hurts so so bad...

try to detach, see it as boring yeh ur there but im gonna ignore u, ive heard it all before.

[Closed for repairs]

You can do this,

[dksea]

10 hours ago, Hosscat said:

Well, im home alone, sitting here sobbing and wailing that I want my mom and dad.

I'm not fighting with the thought. But it hurts so so bad...

Nothing wrong with having a good cry now and then, this is a difficult situation you are in, you aren't going to feel 100% happy all the time, OCD or no OCD.
 

[Closed for repairs]

13 minutes ago, dksea said:

Nothing wrong with having a good cry now and then, this is a difficult situation you are in, you aren't going to feel 100% happy all the time, OCD or no OCD.

Totally second this, 

Been there done that sobbed into the T-shirt.

[Hosscat]

Thought I would at least let you all know I'm alright.

I'm trying to just accept things, that I'll never know for sure and...it hurts alot yeah.

I don't see how to reverse when OCD has you sucked in so much. I've been acting, because how else can I survive? But it's hard when it feels like you're trying to break out of a concrete cell by scratching at the walls with your fingers. 

 

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Hosscat said:

Thought I would at least let you all know I'm alright.

Good!  See? You can feel better   Something to keep in mind the next time you have a meltdown (totally understandable once and a while).

 

Quote

I don't see how to reverse when OCD has you sucked in so much. I've been acting, because how else can I survive? But it's hard when it feels like you're trying to break out of a concrete cell by scratching at the walls with your fingers. 

It can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, but like anything, you take it one step at a time, one day at a time.  Climbing Mt. Everest seems impossible if you just sit there and stare up at it from the base, but people do it.  How?  The prepare, they follow a plan, they take it one step at a time.  Running a marathon seems impossible, but again, preparation, planning, patience (hey three P's!).  It sucks you have to scratch away at OCD, but the alternative is to get worse and you definitely don't want to get worse!