Past event suddenly returns

[Ironborn]

Hi all,

Ive been avoiding coming to these forums for a while now, and altough my ocd gets better bit by bit (very small steps) something today happened that proppeled my head back a couple of years. because about 2 hours ago i got a call that our cat that has been missing for almost 6 years got found and is no awaiting for us to come and pick her up. at first i was vry excited but also shocked to hear she has been found. but now 2 hours later, im having serious guilt issues from a ocd theme i have been having from time to time. years back when i had no ocd i could be a bit of a nasty person sometimes, due to issues i had at the time i sometimes was a bully towards pets we had. ever since the cat walked away and my ocd surfaced i have felt huge amounts of guilt of the way i treated her, i remeber i used to find it fun to lift her a bit up by lifting up te tail so that the back feet would slightly raise from the ground. (even typing this is feel exreme amounts of shame, guilt and sadness for the behaviour i had back then towards pets).

Now im about to pick her up and bring her home, but im afraid that im going to feel bad and total guilt from now on everytime i see her. in the meanwhile we have gotten 2 other cats btw a couple of years ago, and i never treated them like i did with pets from the past. in one way this situation now feels like a huuuuge exposure, but also a risk of me getting depressed and suicidal again, because something from the past is coming back in the house, and im afraid im going to get confronted with my past self (whom i by now hate very much, i hate my older me). i even became a vegan after what ive done in the past and the guilt i felt from it, and im already vegan for  2 years now, i try and make amends with my mistakes from the past, but this situation makes me feel i might lose control over myself and start feeling those huge amounts of guilt again until i again become depressed and suicidal. and i really dont want that to happen, im married right now, and we got a lovely son who is about to become 1 year old in a few weeks, i have so much to live for now, i dont want to become anxious, depressed and suicidal again because something i have done in the past is now coming back in my life again. But i also cannot let the cat stay behind, for the first 2 years after she ran away i had vivid dreams about finding her, ive felt so much pain when she ran away, altough i sometimes treated her bad aswell. 

Please some help / advice would be really appreciated.

[Ironborn]

 I know this must be OCD talking, but the fact that no one is reacting to my post makes me feel like i really am a monster and not worth spending time and effort on.

[battlethrough]

Hi mate,im sorry i cant be any help but to say sorry your ocd is flairing up and that there is always support here.

Maby a month ago i could have helped with some not in the midst of it advice.

A dodgy thought about my mother in law and the last weeks destroyed me.

All i can say is every human at some time will be confonted by past but we must just fight snd keep fighting,ironicly with this illness that means not fighting

[PolarBear]

Out of curiosity, how long do you intend on punishing yourself for past mistakes? No one else is doing it. It's all up to you.

Another month? A year? Five years? A few more decades?

How long would you advise your kids, your parents, your best friend, to punish themselves for past mistakes? 

[daja]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Out of curiosity, how long do you intend on punishing yourself for past mistakes? No one else is doing it. It's all up to you.

Another month? A year? Five years? A few more decades?

How long would you advise your kids, your parents, your best friend, to punish themselves for past mistakes? 

This.

Maybe try living in the moment. Be it from music (that doesn’t trigger) or mindfulness meditation.

[Ironborn]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Out of curiosity, how long do you intend on punishing yourself for past mistakes? No one else is doing it. It's all up to you.

Another month? A year? Five years? A few more decades?

How long would you advise your kids, your parents, your best friend, to punish themselves for past mistakes? 

Would it be ok if I would from now on try and make amends with what I did in the past (bullying behavior). Since we got a second chance now that she has returned after 6 years? 

Or would that be a compulsion? 

[paradoxer]

Make amends ... what buy the cat their own private tree, only the finest fish, luxury sleeping quarters? That'd be a compulsion. Just behave as you do with the other cats.

Your problem isn't how you may have acted in the past, it's OCD.  

[Ironborn]

1 minute ago, paradoxer said:

Make amends ... what buy the cat their own private tree, only the finest fish, luxury sleeping quarters? That'd be a compulsion. Just behave as you do with the other cats.

Your problem isn't how you may have acted in the past, it's OCD.  

I know it would be a compulsion, and i know im asking stuff here i already know...

I think i just dont know how to cope with the feeling inside, that im still not 'cured' of my ocd or anxiety or depression etc etc. I hate it that i feel like i want to cry after i got the call she got found. 

I guess what it comes down to is that im scared i might become severely debilitated again like i did years ago, but now i have a son, i want to be there for him and not spend the next months crying and anxious. 

[Closed for repairs]

So you mistreated your cat, and feel guilty about it.

Quite right.

Maybe your cat will hold a grudge?

Who knows?

Should you make amends?

Why? The cat won't understand, so you will be doing it to make you feel better. I suspect that as it's more or less a compulsion it won't work to make you feel better either.

This was six years ago!

Look after the cat well and leave the worrying behind.

 

[Ironborn]

7 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

So you mistreated your cat, and feel guilty about it.

Quite right.

Maybe your cat will hold a grudge?

Who knows?

Should you make amends?

Why? The cat won't understand, so you will be doing it to make you feel better. I suspect that as it's more or less a compulsion it won't work to make you feel better either.

This was six years ago!

Look after the cat well and leave the worrying behind.

 

I know i have done horrible and unacceptable things, i just don't understand why i just never seem to be able to move on from them, i know I've changed so much as a person, but i guess in this case where our cat has been found back I'm getting confronted with my past again, all while i have been trying my best to leave those things behind me since all it has done to me is getting depressed and at one point even suicidal.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Ironborn

[Ironborn]

Does anyone have any advise on how to be self forgiving?

[Closed for repairs]

20 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

Does anyone have any advise on how to be self forgiving?

Not really, I mean nothing I say will convince you.

It's up to you to do it.

I can see how the cat turning up, has dragged up the past.

But you can't change it, what's done is done.

You need to draw a line then go forwards doing the best you can do within reason.

I don't know if you can do it in your head, or maybe something symbolic you could do, (just once), maybe write down all the stuff you want to leave behind say one last apologies, and destroy it.

Or you could just live with your past like everyone else does.

Yes I know you " have done bad things".

So far (and I haven't gone back through your posts). The "terrible" thing you have done is mildly bullied a cat, and while I think it's pretty low to bully an animal, what you describe probably just registered with the cat as rough play, no worse than play fighting with its siblings as a kitten. I think feeling **** for 6 years is punishment enough.

[Closed for repairs]

And yes the cat ran away.

They do that, someone probably fed it more food.

If you are going to run your life on the judgement of a cat, you are in for a very hard life.....

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Look after the cat well and leave the worrying behind.

 

That's all you need to do.

The only thing that will make you depressed is your thoughts.  Your reaction.  You know this is OCD, you know this has been triggered  because the cat has turned up, you know that you are carrying out compulsions...so work on stopping them.  Catch the rumination and work on not getting drawn into that cycle.  Watch out for reassurance-seeking to make you feel calmer.  Don't make any special changes to make amends to the cat.....it doesn't care and you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better, not the cat.  You are in a strong position right now because you have the knowledge & the tools to nip this in the bud before it becomes an issue.  This isn't about the past or the cat it's about a blip of OCD in the now.  You can flip this around starting right now

[paradoxer]

5 hours ago, Ironborn said:

... i just don't understand why i just never seem to be able to move on from them ...

It's simple - you have OCD. 

[Ironborn]

I just picked her up from the vet, because we brought her there yesterday to get her checked dor any diseases or anything, but she is all happy and in good health, she had a couple of ticks on her, but nothing else. 

it was a weird moment seeing her again, and now i got her in my study room, because we want to take things slow with the other 2 cats we had gotten in the meantime. once i let her out of her travel box she almost immediately jumped on my lap and we started cuddling intens. i just broke out in tears of joy, but also sadness, because although i used to be a bully in the past, i also loved her very much, and during the time she ran away i had many nightmares of her leaving us, and i cried a lot, i went searching on my bike at night to find her, but i never did. and now after 5 - 6 years of her being gone, she now suddenly is in my lap cuddling me. It almost feels as if she forgives me for whatever happened in the past and just wants to be with us again.

2 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

Not really, I mean nothing I say will convince you.

It's up to you to do it.

I can see how the cat turning up, has dragged up the past.

But you can't change it, what's done is done.

You need to draw a line then go forwards doing the best you can do within reason.

I don't know if you can do it in your head, or maybe something symbolic you could do, (just once), maybe write down all the stuff you want to leave behind say one last apologies, and destroy it.

Or you could just live with your past like everyone else does.

Yes I know you " have done bad things".

So far (and I haven't gone back through your posts). The "terrible" thing you have done is mildly bullied a cat, and while I think it's pretty low to bully an animal, what you describe probably just registered with the cat as rough play, no worse than play fighting with its siblings as a kitten. I think feeling **** for 6 years is punishment enough.

I know but its very hard. I have been searching for a true me or better me for years now, and i know i have become such a better person then i was years ago, people around me tell me i am, and i just know i am.

2 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

And yes the cat ran away.

They do that, someone probably fed it more food.

If you are going to run your life on the judgement of a cat, you are in for a very hard life.....

 

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

That's all you need to do.

The only thing that will make you depressed is your thoughts.  Your reaction.  You know this is OCD, you know this has been triggered  because the cat has turned up, you know that you are carrying out compulsions...so work on stopping them.  Catch the rumination and work on not getting drawn into that cycle.  Watch out for reassurance-seeking to make you feel calmer.  Don't make any special changes to make amends to the cat.....it doesn't care and you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better, not the cat.  You are in a strong position right now because you have the knowledge & the tools to nip this in the bud before it becomes an issue.  This isn't about the past or the cat it's about a blip of OCD in the now.  You can flip this around starting right now

Yes i know its OCD but the fact that my past has now returned to the present in the form of this cat, i feel that all the things from the past may come back aswell.

4 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

It's simple - you have OCD. 

Yes it is simple in that way, but dealing with it is a whole different kind of monster

[paradoxer]

6 hours ago, Ironborn said:

 

Yes it is simple in that way, but dealing with it is a whole different kind of monster

No one's suggesting beating OCD's easy, but there's little quandary as to the why.  

[Ironborn]

My wife has said now that she cannot handle a third cat in the house while we also have a little child. She is looking for an other family or person (one we know personally) to take care of her, but I feel resistance towards this which also has some ocd in it. at one point it feels not right for me because I really do care about the cat, and (losing) her a 2nd time just feels so sad, but I also feel like I would not be able to make amends to her, if she was already about leave us now.

My wife thinks it will bring too much stress to our household if she would stay. We keep her in a separate room still and have not introduced her to our other 2 cats, but my wife also does not intend to do so, but instead find a good place for her right now and move her over as soon as possible. I do not think that somewhere else she could not be taken care of just as good or maybe even better than with us, but it just feels as if im throwing her away, while she has been part of our family for 5 years. back then it was just me and my now wife, and the cat. but while she was away we got 2 new cats and we got a son who is almost 1-year-old now btw. we are planning to expand our family soon as we are willing to have a second child next year, all this combined makes my wife feel like she can't handle this cat right now.

I'm in a real conflict here, for what I should do. I know she probably would get more attention at the other place that my wife has been looking to transfer her to since we are going to have a busy family after expanding, but I could then never show the cat im sorry for the past and that she has always been in my heart.

[Closed for repairs]

9 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

I could then never show the cat im sorry for the past and that she has always been in my heart.

It's a CAT!

It doesn't understand that.

If it comes to you and it causes problems, them giving it to a loving home, is a win for everyone.

 

[Closed for repairs]

Seriously, 

You are on the verge of putting the cat in a poor situation just so you can feel better about it.

Do what's best for the cat, and your family.

But remember The Family MUST come first there is no dilemma.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Closed for repairs

[Ironborn]

52 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

It's a CAT!

It doesn't understand that.

If it comes to you and it causes problems, them giving it to a loving home, is a win for everyone.

 

 

47 minutes ago, Closed for repairs said:

Seriously, 

You are on the verge of putting the cat in a poor situation just so you can feel better about it.

Do what's best for the cat, and your family.

But remember The Family MUST come first there is no dilemma.

Well, maybe the cat would be better off at an other place where she could get more attention then at our place where we are very busy with other stuff in life, but it just feels wrong. If she would move, I would still want to check in with her once in a while or would that be ocd to?

Another topic that has been rising to the surface due to this event is; 

About 7 years ago I was driving my car trough a street at almost walking speed, at some point I saw a pigeon walking in front of me, and I was thinking I might just be able to get past it, but I also was quite careless at the time. once I went by it I saw all these feathers in the mirror and I felt bad for it but did not stop. I went on and never tought too much about it anymore.

Until I got ocd a couple of years later, ever since this situation keeps coming back to my mind and I keep thinking I killed something, I just don't know how to cope with this. ive become a Vegan 2.5 years ago, and I love animals very much, but somehow nothing I do seems to take away the guilt I feel for my past. Sometimes I even feel I don't deserve to live because ive taken so many lives just for my pleasure (food) etc. But ive got a son right now who is to become one year old next week, and I want to be there for him.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Ironborn

[Closed for repairs]

38 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

, I would still want to check in with her once in a while or would that be ocd to?

Well to be honest, no it's an admirable concern, however you seem to be able to rachet that up quite high, and I suspect, what for most people would be popping in every couple of months, tapering off as the years go by, you are primed for 24 hour surveillance and intrusive levels of checking leading to some kind of court order.

43 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

I just don't know how to cope with this. ive become a Vegan 2.5 years ago, and I love animals very much, but somehow nothing I do seems to take away the guilt I feel for my past. Sometimes I even feel I don't deserve to live because ive taken so many lives just for my pleasure (food) etc

Yeah I'm not going down the rabbit hole with you.

You are on the verge of posting every meat based meal you have had, looking for some kind of absolution.

So you might have killed a pigeon, 7 years ago, and you feel guilty about it still.

Let It Go.

You have made amends you have become a Vegan.

You are setting your self an impossible moral standard to live to.

You have a wife and kids to look after, they need you. The animal kingdom will have to survive with less of your help

51 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

 

Don't forget..

If it seems like it might be OCD it probably is.

[Ironborn]

I just cannot shake these 2 things out of my head;

1. The cat. My wife does not want a third cat in the house since it gives her to much stress, this a dilemma for me, maybe the cat is better off somewhere else, but if she stays she might keeps me reminding of my ast mistakes, if she does goes somewhere else i might keep feeling guilty i never tried to keep her home, and thus gives me more guilt on top of the guilt i already experience from the past.
2. The pigeon from 7 - 8 years ago. im trying to remember the situation, and know for certain if the pigeon has died, but i dont know. everything that im doing this voice pops up; 

   Quote

   You killed something, and was careless. You had the time to stop but was taking your chances to not hit the pigeon.

   
   How can i move on from this? it just keeps popping up in my midn the whole ******** time!! its driving me crazy. Everytime it pops up i try and ignore the thought in  a peaceful manner, without judgement. but when it pops op for the 20th time in a 3 min period you eventually start listening to it and giving in.
   
   i feel so worthless, and feel like crying the whole time as if im a weak living being ready to get mauled by something.
   
   PS: im in therapyright now... for like the 100th time. im going to the best place for OCD and anxiety issues that our country has to offer and at times like this when i have a setback it feels like im back to start. and it just takes all the energy out of me.
   
   If it wasnt for my child and my marriage i dont know what i would want to be here for on this planet anymore. 
   
   I jsut want to be that happy energetic person i was years ago, Where is that person? why am i such a scared little....