Please help, not sure if OCD or not?

[Headwreck]

It was about 4 or 5 years ago, I met a male at a party and was flirty with him and told my friend I thought the male was attractive etc but I can't remember if I told the male that. At the time I thought my partner was cheating on me so I stupidly thought that doing these things would make me feel better and even it out.

Anyway the next day after the party the male added me on social media and we exchanged messages a few times. I can't remember what the messages were and I'm scared that they were very flirty. I used to think that they were not flirty before now but the past day or two I think they were excessively flirty ie me saying I found him attractive etc or maybe I said it to his face at the party but I'm not sure if this happened.

I am a disgusting person and I know you all will think this and have no sympathy for me, I know I don't deserve any. I've already almost told my partner about this event as I have started panicking about it excessively. I'm scared to tell him but I feel it's the only way to level it out and he deserves to know. I don't know if this is the kind of thing that people admit to or not. I am a disgusting person and don't deserve to be in a relationship with anybody. I feel like I am worse than a murderer or criminal.

I am a terrible person for doing these things. I was in an extremely distressed state for a number of years entirely convinced that he cheated and was doing things I'd never dream of doing now. I don't even know how I could obsess for so long about it.

My life feels like it's falling apart. I feel as though I'm getting over the other obsession regarding the night out that I've had for two years but now seem to be finding new things. I've been on Sertraline for almost three weeks now and still suffering with anxiety.

 

[malina]

I think I'm at real risk of giving you reassurance here, which I don't want to do, but surely you have to see that what you have said below is so utterly unrelated to reality:

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I am a disgusting person and I know you all will think this and have no sympathy for me, I know I don't deserve any. I've already almost told my partner about this event as I have started panicking about it excessively. I'm scared to tell him but I feel it's the only way to level it out and he deserves to know. I don't know if this is the kind of thing that people admit to or not. I am a disgusting person and don't deserve to be in a relationship with anybody. I feel like I am worse than a murderer or criminal.

Seriously? I think that when you're in this sort of panic, you need to try and just take a deep breath and ask yourself whether what you're saying actually makes sense? 

Let me ask you this, if a close friend of yours who is in a relationship told you that she found a man attractive and that they exchanged several messages on social media, what would your reaction be?

[paradoxer]

Headwreck, without even reading your post, which I scan read after, I knew the answer to your question. I know you're hurting but you might consider that your 'disgusting person', the worst in the world conceit, as painful as it is, is a kind of hubris. You're not special, don't try to be. 

[PolarBear]

Headwreck, how can this not be OCD? 

It was OCD when you thought your partner cheated on you. It was OCD when you thought you cheated on your partner. This is OCD. It's all the same thing.

And what are you going to do? All the wrong things. Compulsions. Ruminating. The drama queen stuff (I know you'll all think badly of me).

It didn't work the first two times and it's not going to work this time. You'll sink into that deep, dark hole again. You'll have a terrible time at work, your relationship will suffer, you'll be mired in self loathing.

Sound familiar? And forget confessing. Your partner made it very clear, numerous times, that he doesn't want to hear about this. 

Chsnge what you are doing or you will suffer the same old consequences.

[Headwreck]

Thanks for the responses. I know it's just going around in circles.

I don't understand though because I have done something horrible and a non OCD person would feel guilty about it too wouldn't they?

It's like my relationship has all of these black marks on it and if I don't say anything about them then they won't go. It feels like it's messy.

The medication seems to be helping a bit but I'm finding new things to worry about daily now and my checking has got worse too, mostly in work.

 

[ivybasil]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I don't understand though because I have done something horrible and a non OCD person would feel guilty about it too wouldn't they?

No, I don't think so because your post says you can't remember the details or how it actually happened. This is OCD distorting your view of the situation. Your OCD had picked up a memory you didn't previously worry about and has fixated on it, for lack of a better way to describe what I mean! You need to break the cycle like the others have said.

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

am a disgusting person and I know you all will think this

About this, you can't possibly know what everyone else is thinking and it's not helpful to try and guess. You're giving too much significance to your OCD worry by trying to guess how we will react, based on what you think about this situation. I think it's another way of giving your OCD too much credit!

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, ivybasil said:

I think it's another way of giving your OCD too much credit!

Giving a stupid time wasting disorder kudos and credibility? Never a particularly smart move. 

[malina]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much Headwreck, you just don't realise how trivial this is and how all this suffering is completely unnecessary. 

4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

It's like my relationship has all of these black marks on it and if I don't say anything about them then they won't go. It feels like it's messy.

I think you don't realise that every relationship has some black marks on it and every relationship is messy. From what you've described of your life so far, your relationship actually seems far less messy than many other relationships. It's just that you have OCD so you latch onto things and makes you think that they are a big deal. It's not your behaviour with this man that is making the relationship messy, it's the fact that you have picked up on some trivial event from many years ago and are now torturing yourself over it. 

4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I don't understand though because I have done something horrible and a non OCD person would feel guilty about it too wouldn't they?

I don't think a non OCD person would randomly think of an event, 5 years ago, where they spoke to a man and added him on social media and then think that they were a horrible person that needs to confess to their partner. You are blowing this whole scenario so way out of proportion!! A non OCD person would probably brush it off and forget about it. 

Also think about the greater good for your partner here. You have this random memory and think you need to confess in order to do right by him. However, you are hurting him more because he has explicitly told you that he doesn't want to know, he is dealing with a lot at the moment himself, you push him away and find it hard to be close to him. If you want to do right by him, work on these elements of your relationship, listen to what he is telling you because I think he has been quite clear with what he needs. And forget about confessing to this nonsense because that is really all it is. 

5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

The medication seems to be helping a bit but I'm finding new things to worry about daily now and my checking has got worse too, mostly in work.

It's because you haven't done anything to challenge the behavioural and cognitive aspects of your OCD. The medication may make the anxiety go down, but ultimately your pattern of behaviour remains the same. Moreover, your beliefs remain the same. I really think you need some CBT to start actively challenging this stuff and working towards changing your mindset because that is the thing that will make you better.

 

[Closed for repairs]

11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

The medication seems to be helping a bit but I'm finding new things to worry about daily now and my checking has got worse too, mostly in work.

 

At least you can attribute this to OCD and start to work on it.

The relationship stuff is obviously a big issue, but you could start winning some victories over some of the checking.

[dksea]

"Please help, not sure if OCD or not?"

Remember, if you think it MIGHT be OCD, it probably is.
Treat this as OCD, you don't have to know 100% (you CANT know 100%).

[Headwreck]

But it's as though everything I worry about I put down to OCD just because I'm worrying about it more than usual. Surely this is not right and it all can't be OCD all the time?

The thing is, it seems like I worry about one thing and then something else starts worrying me so I don't really care about the previous worry until it pops up again and the cycle continues. I don't know if this is typical or if others are able to relate but it's happening on a daily basis now and I'm feeling overwhelmed as I feel as though there are so many unresolved issues/worries constantly doing the rounds in my head.

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

But it's as though everything I worry about I put down to OCD just because I'm worrying about it more than usual. Surely this is not right and it all can't be OCD all the time?

Why not?  Why can't it all be OCD at this point?  You've fallen deep down a hole with OCD and been struggling for a long time, giving in to compulsions, etc.  It makes sense that its overwhelmed you in a lot of areas.  I wouldn't be surprised if there were things you worried about that didn't involve OCD, its just that the OCD worries seem sooo much bigger you don't really notice the other ones as much.

[malina]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

But it's as though everything I worry about I put down to OCD just because I'm worrying about it more than usual. Surely this is not right and it all can't be OCD all the time?

As a rule of thumb: if an event happened several years ago and you didn't think much of it at the time but recently remembered it and feel guilty, like you're the worst person in the world and need to confess...it's OCD!

A lot of your worries follow the above pattern. 

Also...if you come to an OCD forum and other sufferers tell you "yep this sounds familiar, it's OCD" that is also a pretty good indicator. 

Edited December 11, 2019 by malina

[PolarBear]

15 hours ago, Headwreck said:

But it's as though everything I worry about I put down to OCD just because I'm worrying about it more than usual. Surely this is not right and it all can't be OCD all the time?

The thing is, it seems like I worry about one thing and then something else starts worrying me so I don't really care about the previous worry until it pops up again and the cycle continues. I don't know if this is typical or if others are able to relate but it's happening on a daily basis now and I'm feeling overwhelmed as I feel as though there are so many unresolved issues/worries constantly doing the rounds in my head.

Who said your issues or worries need to be resolved? We all have issues and worries but your way of trying to resolve them IS your problem.

[paradoxer]

20 hours ago, malina said:

As a rule of thumb: if an event happened several years ago and you didn't think much of it at the time but recently remembered it and feel guilty, like you're the worst person in the world and need to confess...it's OCD!

 

Absolutely, a dead OCD giveaway. 

[Closed for repairs]

In stead of those awful, "funny" Christmas OCD mugs, I want one with

"If you think it MIGHT be OCD it probably is"

On it.

The royalties, can go to @dksea

Edited December 12, 2019 by Closed for repairs
I always have to edit

[dksea]

5 hours ago, Closed for repairs said:

In stead of those awful, "funny" Christmas OCD mugs, I want one with

"If you think it MIGHT be OCD it probably is"

On it.

The royalties, can go to @dksea

Afraid I’m gonna have to pass on the credit for that one. Pretty sure it’s from Brain Lock, if not it’s from some other OCD book I’ve read along the way.