Is this pocd or really me?

[Ironborn]

Hi all,

I know ive been visiting the forums a lot lately, and i know i have OCD etc.

But one of my ocd themes or at least the most worst one i have is real event ocd. And now this has latched itself onto another thing from the past. I guess about 6 -7 years ago when i was like 23 -24 ish years old i used to go to this bodybuilding forum because i was very actively working out and stuff. 

On this forum they had a 18+ section with topics where people would post pictures of naked and semi naked woman, at the time i had a high sex dive and i would just go trough all those topics while masturbating (i feel ashamed saying this btw). But some or at least on or 2 of those topics also had what they called 'barely legal or jailbait' pics in them, at the time i did not think much of it since i did not really had any ocd or so... so when going trough these topics while i was masturbating i also did that when those 'barely legal or jailbait' pics came by.

As far as i can remember i never went looking for pics or vids from younger woman specifically at the time, and i never have and still not felt really attracted to younger woman or girls if you would like to call it that way. But the fact remains that i did masturbate to a series of pics where also those pics im talking about here were in between and i revisited those topics a couple of times as well... knowing what kind of pics were there.

All this flared up this morning after seeing a tv series where i man gets caught webcamming with an underaged girl. this suddenly made me go into panic mode and convincing me im a pedophile.

In reaction to that i looked up some pics of adult woman to see if i could get aroused, and  id did just to reassure myself. But im not convinced yet!

Oh and btw, i searched the forums for 'jailbait' and could not find anything except a post i posted o nthe forums myself i nthe past, which makes me think im really a pedofhile since noone with ocd has ever seen that before.

How do i deal with this? i could really need some advise please. im so anxious right now!


PS: At this moment im looking up the forums again and trying to search for the topics i found all those years back if the pics really were that bad.. i just need to know!!

Edited December 14, 2019 by Ironborn

[Ironborn]

I'm so so done with this stuff. I try my utmost best to deal with ocd. And sometimes I feel I'm doing better for a while. But at moments like this when I feel so down I just so done with everything. And what makes it worse is I got a gorgeous son right now, and I want to focus myself towards him and not this disease!!! It's making me so angry!!! 

[PolarBear]

Stop all this nonsense of searching forums, looking for evidence. You should know it's a compulsion and will only make your situation worse.

Leave this alone. It's incredibly minor.

[Ironborn]

15 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Stop all this nonsense of searching forums, looking for evidence. You should know it's a compulsion and will only make your situation worse.

Leave this alone. It's incredibly minor.

I know it seems like a minor thing. But people who knew about this would say one would need to be killed for such a thing. I hear people saying this all the time; Pedophiles dont deserve to live and stuff like that.

Im trying to push such comments aside, but i feel as if they are talking directly towards me.

[Ironborn]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Stop all this nonsense of searching forums, looking for evidence. You should know it's a compulsion and will only make your situation worse.

Leave this alone. It's incredibly minor.

Polarbear you say this is a minor thing. But years ago me and my wife would sometimes take food from this Chinese restaurant. And there works a family over there. And during that period I also used to masturbate quite alot and watched porn daily (I haven't watched porn in a couple of years anymore btw) but I had this thing back then for Asian woman, and I would watch secual content with mainly Asian woman. And while I would masturbate to thhose pics and vids the daughter of the restaurant would come to my mind sometimes and I did not stop masturbating I even went with it for a couple of times, what does this say about me? 

I was 25 ish at that time and I don't know how old the daughter of the family is that worked over there but she looked like 15 / 16 I would guess?? 

Why did I do such a thing? And not once no I did it multiple times l, until I suddenly got shocked by the thought she might be underage and from then on I started to quit all porn, and when I sometimes masturbate i only think of my wife. 

Would you still say this is a minor thing? 

I'm thinking about maybe looking up the profile of that woman / girl online to see what her age must have been at that time. 

Oh and I cannot remember when I actually started with the masturbation and porn watching where she sometimes would also cross my mind without ignoring it. What if I've done this for years while she was under aged?? 

I do not feel attracted to children at all. But why did this happen then? 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Ironborn

[Ironborn]

I'm starting to think I might need to accept I got pedophile tendencies maybe? What if I would accept it would it then become more barebale? 

 

Accepting it would be weird tho because I never look or think (I want sexual intercourse or anything like that with a child). 

Can someone be pedophile at first and later on be cured from it? Maybe that's what has happened? 

[PolarBear]

Is it still minor? Yes.

What does it say about you? That you're normal.

Looking up her profile would be a compulsion. Don't do it.

The only problem you have is that you are fixated on this. Well, that and you are coming here looking for reassurance, which is another compulsion.

Oh, and your statement that no one else on the forum has talked about this is not true. Seen it many times.

[PolarBear]

2 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

I'm starting to think I might need to accept I got pedophile tendencies maybe? What if I would accept it would it then become more barebale? 

 

Accepting it would be weird tho because I never look or think (I want sexual intercourse or anything like that with a child). 

Can someone be pedophile at first and later on be cured from it? Maybe that's what has happened? 

Maybe you are way overthinking this and you need to leave it alone.

[Ironborn]

2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Maybe you are way overthinking this and you need to leave it alone.

Maybe. If I would look at it from another point of view. This is litterly my 1000th ocd theme and everytime is about something else, that's the only thing that could make a bit of sense in my head right now. Yesterday I had ocd about a cat and a pigeon last week about work, so I could guess this one must be ocd as well?

[PolarBear]

You've got to look at the commonalities between your themes, not the exact thoughts.

You get an intrusive thought(s). 

The thought(s) cause you distress.

You do something to try and alleviate that distress.

The above is how OCD works, regardless the thought. Apply it to your current situation. It fits.

The thoughts don't matter. Your reaction to the thoughts is the problem.

[Ironborn]

11 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You've got to look at the commonalities between your themes, not the exact thoughts.

You get an intrusive thought(s). 

The thought(s) cause you distress.

You do something to try and alleviate that distress.

The above is how OCD works, regardless the thought. Apply it to your current situation. It fits.

The thoughts don't matter. Your reaction to the thoughts is the problem.

PolarBear. Your advise and help here really is gold. Although I'm still very anxious right now, I think I'm getting what you are trying to say here. 

And after the intrusion I always know that chasing it will only make things worse, what could be the thing that's still makes us go that route? Even if we know it just destroys us? 

How can this be such a self destructive condition? Life is all about survival and not self destruction right? 

[PolarBear]

You know, I'm not sure exactly what the answer is. Certainly at first, sufferers don't know that compulsions prolong their agony. But many, once educated, fall into the trap of compulsions when a new obsession pops up.

 

[Ironborn]

21 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You know, I'm not sure exactly what the answer is. Certainly at first, sufferers don't know that compulsions prolong their agony. But many, once educated, fall into the trap of compulsions when a new obsession pops up.

 

And I've seen you posting on the forums that ignoring the Intrusive thoughts and compulsive thought patterns is key. Does this apply to all ocd themes, even real event ocd, where you feel guilty over something that really has occurred? 

[PolarBear]

Yes. 

It has to do with practice. Takes a while, usually months, to get it right.

[Ironborn]

16 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Yes. 

It has to do with practice. Takes a while, usually months, to get it right.

Last thing i want to note is that i find what happens alot is that when i get advise or i know what i should be doing to move forward, something inside me says; What do they know? why are they so certain this is OCD? maybe its just you trying to deny the truth. 

Its almost as if OCD is trying to trick me into not believing others who can help me, by discrediting them. For example (no personal attack towards you PB). But my OCD just stated a couple of mins ago; What would PB know? he has ocd right? so how can he tell you wat is right or wrong? why would you believe him? maybe he is just as broken as you are?

did not meant to harm you btw with this text PB, your advise has been more then welcome. Just wanted to show what goes on in my mind after getting advise from you in this case. Or someone elses advise sometimes in other situations.

Edited December 14, 2019 by Ironborn

[PolarBear]

Those questions that pop up are more intrusive thoughts. And I bet you had an argument with yourself about why my words are valuable (a compulsion).

[paradoxer]

8 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Yesterday I had ocd about a cat and a pigeon last week about work, so I could guess this one must be ocd as well?

And how old were the cat and pigeon? 

For God's sake ironborn, do yourself a favour and stop cluttering up the forum with rubbish. It's all nonsense. 

[Ironborn]

8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Those questions that pop up are more intrusive thoughts. And I bet you had an argument with yourself about why my words are valuable (a compulsion).

Yes I did. And I am trying to block it out. But when I'm not giving any attention to the thoughts I still feel very anxious and depressed l, and thus makes me feel I need to 'do' something about it, and then the rumination begins. I have bad physical anxiety symptoms which make it hard to ignore the anxiety since I'm litterly cold the whole time, having chills and without even knowing I'm literally walking on my toes to not scare someone or something, but for what, why is my body constantly making me feel like something crazy is going to happen. 

7 hours ago, paradoxer said:

And how old were the cat and pigeon? 

For God's sake ironborn, do yourself a favour and stop cluttering up the forum with rubbish. It's all nonsense. 

@paradoxer I'm really sorry for cluttering the forums, it's not my intention to do so. It's just that when I feel so anxious I'm like trying to survive trough every moment En minute, and asking myself how I'm ever gonna make it trough for another hour. 

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, Ironborn said:

Yes I did. And I am trying to block it out. But when I'm not giving any attention to the thoughts I still feel very anxious and depressed l, and thus makes me feel I need to 'do' something about it, and then the rumination begins. I have bad physical anxiety symptoms which make it hard to ignore the anxiety since I'm litterly cold the whole time, having chills and without even knowing I'm literally walking on my toes to not scare someone or something, but for what, why is my body constantly making me feel like something crazy is going to happen. 

@paradoxer I'm really sorry for cluttering the forums, it's not my intention to do so. It's just that when I feel so anxious I'm like trying to survive trough every moment En minute, and asking myself how I'm ever gonna make it trough for another hour. 

ironborn, I  hope you can see, somewhere, that my 'disapproval' (and dismissal of the content) is largely an attempt at helping you recognize OCD's inanity. 

Edited December 15, 2019 by paradoxer

[Ironborn]

1 minute ago, paradoxer said:

ironborn, I  hope you can see, somewhere, that my 'disapproval' (and dismissal of the content) is largely an attempt at helping you recognize OCD's inanity. 

Ok, i get you.

Right now while im trying not to engage in these obsessions i still have a lot of residual anxiety. Just wished there was a way to fasten up the process of calming down again.

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, Ironborn said:

Ok, i get you.

Right now while im trying not to engage in these obsessions i still have a lot of residual anxiety. Just wished there was a way to fasten up the process of calming down again.

Good for you, man. Re the residual anxiety, progress is built on it.

Cheers. 

[Ironborn]

Hi all. At this moment I'm really struggling. I've stopped the repetive rethinking of the situation in my head. And constantly feel ready to move on. But with everything I undertake every (good) thought I get, I also get the thought (they don't know your secret) and I just become so depressed when that happens. Does anyone have good advice how to deal with that voice like thought (if they only knew) or (you cannot ever become a good person again) or (you cannot undo the past) or someday it will catch up to you. 

Edited December 15, 2019 by Ironborn

[PolarBear]

It's only been a few days. I know you are desperate for the negative feelings to end but it will take time of consistently ignoring the intrusive thoughts to see positive results.

[Ironborn]

@PolarBear like 30 minutes ago somehow I got tempted in a obsession while sitting on the toilet. I remembered that the woman /girl from the restaurant would have done her makeup and stuff like that sometimes when we visited the take away restaurant. And I remember sometimes looking at her as in: she looks good or attractive I guess? But now I realise she must have been like 14 / 15 ish years old at the time? Maybe younger even? 

And during several occasions while watching porn an masturbating she would cross my mind and I just went with it. (I cannot remember a specific occasion I was masturbating while actively thinking of her, but I do know she crossed my mind sometimes). 

I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole. Everytime my mind comes up with new evidence. 

Edited December 15, 2019 by Ironborn

[paradoxer]

Here's another tack, instead of merely letting the thoughts be there (good), consider upping the ante to 'maybe it's true and I am that most despicable person'. 

OCD loves it when you sprint desperately for the emergency exit, by running towards the fire you sabotage its game plan.