I thought i was going to be okish

[Ironborn]

 Hi all.

After my recent posts here, i decided to act upon the advice i got and just ignore the intrusions and not go into any compulsions, this has been hard, but it did lower the anxiety a bit.

Yesterday i had my best day in the last 2 weeks, until this morning.

I was giving my son his bottle with him on my lap, and sometimes he would accidentally touch my groin, and i would slowly reposition him so it wouldn't touch my groin. At some point he was standing upright on my lap and we were cuddling a bit, i gave him some kisses (in the neck) and nothing to crazy yet. but at some point i remember looking at him at i was getting thoughts like (how would he react to being abused?) (would it hurt him for life?) (would he be scarred for life?) (he looks so pure and lovely) etc etc. immediately after i felt this terrible feeling inside my stomach, why would i ask such questions in my head without trying to fight it (as i do with intrusions normally) i normally try to fight or block an intrusion or sometimes i shake my head as in (NO) that way i tell myself i don't want what im thinking.

But this time these thoughts came up and i sort of went with it. I did not actually think about abusing him (sexually) in pictures or how it would be done, but more if he would notice being abused? if he would be damaged by it? etc etc.

And now my mind is going crazy! why do i ask myself such questions? am i a monster?

fyi, i don't feel attracted to children, i never have. And i do have some sort of a past with pocd aswell. But this feels different because i did not fight the thoughts, i even asked myself certain question regarding the topic as i stated here. This makes me feel as if i want what i was thinking about.

How would one deal with this?

I know im doing compulsions right now about the situation that occurred this morning, but it feels as if it might be more important then something to just ignore. I really dont want my son to be hurt or molested or anything, but i hate that i get thoughts that ar not so much into detail about how but more about if.

something to note: i do ''daydream' alot and during these daydreams sometimes disturbing thoughts also come by, which i initially dont reject or ignore but sort of 'go with'. which makes me feel like afterwards that i really want those ''daydreams'' to happen since i did not reject them or ignore them. 

Edited December 24, 2019 by Ironborn

[O Neg]

Hello Ironborn, I am sorry you are having such a bad time with your intrusive thoughts. I often have a bad time just having a comparative good time when I think I have this OCD thing beaten. My OCD is a number of different types all rolled into one. I have had, what is now known as OCD since my late teens and I am now 57.

These thoughts you are having are extremely upsetting, but they are JUST THOUGHTS AND THOUGHTS ARE NOT FACTS. We have no idea why we think these things; I used to get sick to the back teeth asking myself and other people 'why am i thinking these things? Now what I find helps is a process called 'Name It To Tame It' When ever I get an intrusive thought, I say Oh! I know what that is. Its OCD playing mind games again! Name it as OCD. You know in your heart of hearts that is exactly what it is. OCD works on doubt and fear, but if you want certainty, this is it; OCD always lies. It will tell you lie after lie after lie. When you know this, the thoughts seem to lose some of their power.

I can remember some 25 years ago or so I had similar intrusive thoughts regarding my toddler twins. The thoughts seemed real but were OCD rubbish!  OCD will pick on the things we hold dear and that is why it hurts so much. I had no idea what was going on and nearly went out of my mind with worry and anxiety at the time.

I know people who do not have anxiety driven OCD who have thoughts regarding their children and these people are some of the most level headed people I have ever known . The point is that everybody has intrusive thoughts, some are more upsetting than others, but they should be handled in the same way, whatever the contents. DO NOT engage with them (easier said than done, believe me, I know) Do not let OCD rob you of time of precious time with your son. OCD is a thief and will steal your life if you let it, again I know from better experience.

I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year. 

Edited December 24, 2019 by O Neg
spelling

[Ironborn]

40 minutes ago, O Neg said:

Hello Ironborn, I am sorry you are having such a bad time with your intrusive thoughts. I often have a bad time just having a comparative good time when I think I have this OCD thing beaten. My OCD is a number of different types all rolled into one. I have had, what is now known as OCD since my late teens and I am now 57.

These thoughts you are having are extremely upsetting, but they are JUST THOUGHTS AND THOUGHTS ARE NOT FACTS. We have no idea why we think these things; I used to get sick to the back teeth asking myself and other people 'why am i thinking these things? Now what I find helps is a process called 'Name It To Tame It' When ever I get an intrusive thought, I say Oh! I know what that is. Its OCD playing mind games again! Name it as OCD. You know in your heart of hearts that is exactly what it is. OCD works on doubt and fear, but if you want certainty, this is it; OCD always lies. It will tell you lie after lie after lie. When you know this, the thoughts seem to lose some of their power.

I can remember some 25 years ago or so I had similar intrusive thoughts regarding my toddler twins. The thoughts seemed real but were OCD rubbish!  OCD will pick on the things we hold dear and that is why it hurts so much. I had no idea what was going on and nearly went out of my mind with worry and anxiety at the time.

I know people who do not have anxiety driven OCD who have thoughts regarding their children and these people are some of the most level headed people I have ever known . The point is that everybody has intrusive thoughts, some are more upsetting than others, but they should be handled in the same way, whatever the contents. DO NOT engage with them (easier said than done, believe me, I know) Do not let OCD rob you of time of precious time with your son. OCD is a thief and will steal your life if you let it, again I know from better experience.

I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Peaceful New Year. 

Its just that im very anxious because they were not like intrusions i have normally, because with normal intrusions they hit you out of nowhere and you  then try and let them pass.

But this time i sort of came up with those thoughts myself and did not immediatly try and ignore them as i do with intrusions. This makes it feel like there must be some truth in those thoughts.

But i love my son, and would do everything for him. And i know for a fact that im not a pedo, because i dont feel attracted to children etc. 

[PolarBear]

You are trying to assign meaning where there isn't any. And now you're ruminating like crazy, trying to figure out what it means. Sound familiar?

It's the same old. A new guise but still OCD. Don't get hung up on how this feels compared to before.

[O Neg]

Hello Ironborn,

Perhaps, I mislead you slightly. The thought is your own, BUT nobody can control what they think. Having thoughts like these do not make you a monster. People have bad intrusive thoughts, which are by far, the complete opposite of how they really feel. The fact that it upsets you thinking these things goes to show that there is a big fat zero chance of ever acting on your thoughts. Just remember, THOUGHTS DO NOT EQUAL REALITY.

OCD has a way of turning the nicest thoughts into horrible, dark and twisted ones. So it will have a field day with any dark thought you come up with yourself. The problem is OCD will lie to you every time. People with OCD are some of the most imaginative people. You would not believe what my OCD makes up to fit a situation. It nearly qualifies as a life form.

[Ironborn]

Just now, PolarBear said:

You are trying to assign meaning where there isn't any. And now you're ruminating like crazy, trying to figure out what it means. Sound familiar?

It's the same old. A new guise but still OCD. Don't get hung up on how this feels compared to before.

@PolarBear I know i am ruminating like crazy, and i want to ignore it. its just so hard, especially not knowing what i intended by thinking that way instead of immediatly dismissing the thoughts i sort of took it one step further and asked myself some other questions regarding this topic without getting destressed until i realised i had these thoughts and boom i started feeling guilty for it, because i went with those thoughts longer then i normally do with normal 'intrusions'.

[Ironborn]

3 minutes ago, O Neg said:

Hello Ironborn,

Perhaps, I mislead you slightly. The thought is your own, BUT nobody can control what they think. Having thoughts like these do not make you a monster. People have bad intrusive thoughts, which are by far, the complete opposite of how they really feel. The fact that it upsets you thinking these things goes to show that there is a big fat zero chance of ever acting on your thoughts. Just remember, THOUGHTS DO NOT EQUAL REALITY.

OCD has a way of turning the nicest thoughts into horrible, dark and twisted ones. So it will have a field day with any dark thought you come up with yourself. The problem is OCD will lie to you every time. People with OCD are some of the most imaginative people. You would not believe what my OCD makes up to fit a situation. It nearly qualifies as a life form.

This seems to make sense. But because everyone always talks about 'intrusive' thoughts. and these were more of 'invited' thoughts i guess?

Thats why i feel so much guilt and anxiety now.

[PolarBear]

14 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

@PolarBear I know i am ruminating like crazy, and i want to ignore it. its just so hard, especially not knowing what i intended by thinking that way instead of immediatly dismissing the thoughts i sort of took it one step further and asked myself some other questions regarding this topic without getting destressed until i realised i had these thoughts and boom i started feeling guilty for it, because i went with those thoughts longer then i normally do with normal 'intrusions'.

You don't have to know. You don't have to find an answer. Trying to find it is a trap. You will search and search in your mind but you won't find the answer.

So leave it alone. Let it go. Get on with your day.