Guilt - feeling anxious

[Sophhh]

Hey,

I hope u all are having an amazing christmas!

My christmas day was okay but all day I've had this guilt looming in the back of my mind that I cant shake like I am undeserved of specific things at christmas time becuz of something I did. I pushed someone out of my life a long time ago and I still get told it was the wrong decision but I felt it was the only way to be completely happy. I had leave other people behind in order to do this, that didnt deserve it in any way, and I have so much guilt thinking that I am a bad person and that I am ruining this person's life by not talking to them but at the same time I hated being in that situation.

But over Christmas time it's got even worse and I feel like I have to question everything I do, thinking ... do I deserve this... or God will punish me becuz I shudnt be enjoying this. I am jumpy and anxious becuz I feel like everything is out to punish me becuz I am trying to move on but my ocd wont let me.

In a way i know this is ocd, but also i feel like if i was a good person and doing this for all the right reasons, why would people, some good friends, question my decisions? I can tell they think I'm bad for doing this and I cant help but worry that I am a selfish person. People have even told me I'm selfish and it gets to me that people might actually be right.

Sorry to be so negative, I am trying to be positive in this situation but I am struggling to get out of it.

Thank you for all replies ❤

xxx

[Terriblethoughts]

First of all merry Christmas .
 

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Your happiness comes first you don’t need to sacrifice it for that person. It’s their own responsibility to have a good life with or without you in it. Sometimes that’s just how it goes that other people who didn’t deserve it need to get cut off as well. It’s just how it is don’t feel bad. And even if it was a mistake it’s not something you deserve to still feel bad about. Just bc good friends are questioning your decisions doesn’t necessarily mean they’re correct. Again your happiness comes first you don’t have to have someone in your life if they are making you unhappy. You can’t please everyone. Do your best to ignore those thoughts and enjoy yourself. 

[PolarBear]

So, you decided to punish yourself. That's what guilt is, a feeling expressed ftom self punishment.

How long are you going to punish yourself? A week? A month? Ten years? 

If your mom, sibling or best friend was going through this, what would you advise? Would you advise them to punish themselves for a certain length of time?

Think about it.

[Sophhh]

@Terriblethoughts thank you, I guess ure right and I try and tell myself this but I think I just have so much doubt and my ocd just makes it worse as I usually get compulsions around being a moral and good person. I will try my best to believe this! Thank You x

[Sophhh]

On 26/12/2019 at 00:32, PolarBear said:

So, you decided to punish yourself. That's what guilt is, a feeling expressed ftom self punishment

Thank you for ure advice. You are right and I know that deep down. My mind feels against me I guess. Even if i try to convince myself that it was a rational decision, my mind always somewhere has to tell me...what if I'm not and I let this fear dictate my life and everything I do. Its like my brain is telling me I shud be punished but in trying to fight against it. But I agree with your comment, I know it makes sense to not do that to myself. X

[PolarBear]

What if you stopped trying to convince yourself? What if you walked away from the argument?