Distress

[Nikki79]

Hello everyone,

I just thought I would write this evening as I am very upset. I have suffered with OCD on and off for a long time maybe twenty years and in particular my fears seem to be around hurting children. All sorts of ‘worries’ have come into my mind through this time and left me in some very debilitating states and despair. Anyway a long story short I decided to have a child despite all my fears and worries and thank God she is so healthy and amazing and I am so blessed to have her. I didn’t let my OCD stop me living my life. Fast forward a year and I’m suffering pretty bad with worries again. The issue is I got pulled into rumination about changing my child’s nappy months ago and had these thoughts and feelings images, whatever about doing something and the thought has proven very hard to shake as I’m so scared by it. I’m trying not to actively ruminate on it but I’m so scared of it and maybe I’ll clear my head if I do. Please help someone as this thought was so strong and compelling and made me believe that I am absolutely terrified. I feel I need to try recapture the thought to see what it was I thought but then I’m equally scared to do this. I’m so frightened of what this thought sequence of whatever told me, I mean why was it so convincing? Why did certain things feel familiar? I felt like I wanted to end my life yesterday over this absolute agony. Please help me 

[battlethrough]

Sorry your suffering,I remember you, Its a shame when we fall back in the rabbit whole, all I can say is what you know, despite the dispair do your best to resist compulsions and stay strong, wish I could help more but am to in it atm, and congratulations x, always here

[Nikki79]

Hi battlethrough

I remember you too. I hope you are doing better than I am. Thank you for the congrats and your kindness: 

I am fighting very hard to not ‘actively’ try and recapture the thought sequence that nearly put me on the brink. However I am absolutely terrified about it and just wish someone would explain to me why thoughts during rumination can be so frightening, so real, feel like they have found something etc... why they are the worst??

Edited December 29, 2019 by Nikki79
Additional info

[PolarBear]

Hey Nikki. Long time. Congrats on the baby.

I'm not going to answer your question, except to say that everyone knows intrusive thoughts feel real.

Look at what's going on. You had an intrusive thought and it freaked you out. You immediately fell into your old pattern of doing compulsions. Here you are, trying to work something out, trying to find the answer. You think that's what you need to do but it's a trap. You know this. No answer will be enough. You'll just go around and around in your head and get nowhere.

Drop it. Leave it alone. They are stupid thoughts that you should spend no time on. Go be happy with your baby.

Edited December 29, 2019 by PolarBear

[Nikki79]

Hi Polarbear, yes it’s been a while. Thanks so much for the congratulations.

I understand PB that you wouldn’t want to be reassuring. I guess I’m struggling to understand why this stuff feels real. To me it comes in as a mixture of thoughts, feelings, familiarity, a sort of belief I’m remembering something. I don’t want to seem to be looking for reassurance as I said, just want to understand what is going on. Does that make sense?

You see it was in doing the compulsions I had this sequence of whatever happened in my head. 

 

I feel also that having my child worries me more and got me into the compulsion in the first place. Honestly what I described was so distressing I broke down and couldn’t function and get like I had to end my life cos the pain of this thing I can’t bare anymore.

Edited December 29, 2019 by Nikki79

[PolarBear]

It doesn't matter, Nikki. Obsessions feel real. They are thoughts, which are generated in your brain... the same place all other thoughts and rmotions come from. Of course they feel real.

[Nikki79]

So if they feel real what makes them different from being real? I hope that doesn’t sound confusing.

why are some thoughts so much worse and terrifying than others? 

Also why when we get drawn into thinking does it feel images etc get more convincing?

Edited December 29, 2019 by Nikki79

[PolarBear]

Take a step back and look at what's going on, Nikki.

You had an intrusive thought.

It freaked you out.

You started doing compulsions, primarily trying to figure out if the thought is real or true.

You came here, wanting us to help you figure it out (help you do compulsions).

I told you that's not a good idea, but that obsessions do feel real. 

You pushed back a bit, reiterating your question.

I gave you a perfectly sound answer.

You came back with three more questions.

Nikki, this is OCD at work, right here, right now. You are going down the OCD rabbit hole and you know what that is like. No answer is going to satisfy you. You'll just come back with more questions and you'll ruminate more.

Leave it alone! It was just a stupid intrusive thought. Don't give it any more power by doing even more compulsions.

[Nikki79]

thanks Polarbear, just feeling afraid I need to know details cos this thought sequence felt like it told me something and like I said my child is involved and so scared cos she was involved. 

I’m sorry if I’m frustrating 

[paradoxer]

6 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

thanks Polarbear, just feeling afraid I need to know details cos this thought sequence felt like it told me something and like I said my child is involved and so scared cos she was involved. 

I’m sorry if I’m frustrating 

Nikki, OCD's call always feels imperative, that 'if only it were something else' is simply part of its MO.  

[Avo]

Hi Nikki,

congratulations on becoming a mother, clearly your daughter is massively precious to you hence why OCD is trying to target what you hold most dear. I had similar worries when my son was younger and wondering if I had wiped too many times his bottom during a nappy change, did I really need to do that last wipe or did I do it for some perverted reason. it got to the stage where I was scared to change his nappy, bath him and several other things. 

I agree with polar bear completely. take a step back and realise you had an intrusive thought, no amount of re-assurance from us is going to be enough. your not alone in suffering this theme just have faith that its OCD, use the tools that have worked in the past for you.

Don't let it interrupt the enjoyment of being a mother.

[Nikki79]

50 minutes ago, Avo said:

Hi Nikki,

congratulations on becoming a mother, clearly your daughter is massively precious to you hence why OCD is trying to target what you hold most dear. I had similar worries when my son was younger and wondering if I had wiped too many times his bottom during a nappy change, did I really need to do that last wipe or did I do it for some perverted reason. it got to the stage where I was scared to change his nappy, bath him and several other things. 

I agree with polar bear completely. take a step back and realise you had an intrusive thought, no amount of re-assurance from us is going to be enough. your not alone in suffering this theme just have faith that its OCD, use the tools that have worked in the past for you.

Don't let it interrupt the enjoyment of being a mother.

Hi Avo

I woke up worrying about it again today and then I had the thought of what happened and immediately I felt panicked.  I felt more like it happened. Did you read my posts about what happened in the thought sequence? I’m so terrified by those thoughts. I feel it’s connecting to something and it’s getting me so depressed. Has this similar kind of stuff happened to you? This thought felt like the worst that ever happened so far and hence why I want to recapture it to see what it was. Have you dealt with that too? Thank you so much for replying and Paradoxer ok I’m really at my lowest point. 

 

 

 

 

[MentalChecker]

Hi Nikki, 

Sorry to hear your struggling and OCD has got a grip on you.

However by writing things down in this forum and looking for reassurance your only strengthening the obsession. 

A few things I've read whilst doing research on OCD which has helped me massively is the following. 

'One would think if it was possible to convince the compulsive person that there is no real threat (whatever your worried about) then the compulsive person would stop worrying. But it works the other way around, if you can get the compulsive person to stop checking then they stop worrying.....'

The above is so so true.  Like you, I have had LOADS of SERIOUS worries over the years that I've constantly ruminated over for several years at a time and was still no closer to the truth of gaining ANY certainty..... 

However, once another worry took over, I never worried about the previous worry until it pops up in my head every 6 months or so for a brief moment and I think to myself wow I used to worry and ruminate about that so badly and never thought it would stop but now I don't worry about it from one month to the next!!

Does that not prove to you that WE CAN ACCEPT UNCERTAINTY NO MATTER HOW WORRYING THE THOUGHT MIGHT BE?  All we have to do is to stop checking it and thinking about it.

We choose what we think and don't think about Nikki and right now you have to refocus your mind on other things in your life and DO NOTHING when this thought starts to worry you.

In time it will take a side step and be more uncomfortable than anxiety causing and then it will change from being uncomfortable to a nothing but a distant memory that doesn't cause you any problems UNLESS YOU START THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN!

Sorry for the use of capital letters but wanted to try and get certain things accross to you.

Just a few moments ago before I read your post I had an intrusive worry that's been causing me problems recently and I have been finding it difficult to stop checking it 'mentally checking'. However by reading your post, taking the time out from the worry, and writing the above, reminds me of all the other serious worries I've had during my time that don't cause me any problems anymore, and the only thing I've done is to stop mentally checking them, therefore this is what I need to do with this one that's currently giving me problems.  Therefore by me writing to try and help you has also helped me 

All The Best and hope you feel better soon. 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2019 by MentalChecker

[Nikki79]

Thanks so much Mental Checker and I’m so glad some good has come from my post and that I helped you. I’ll be honest I’m completely at the end of my tether and I can’t cope. I seriously thought about driving away and doing something to end the pain this morning. I don’t know what to do and I feel such a burden on my family my dad has to come in to talk to me now and it’s so not right he has to do that. He has so much of his own problems and my Mum gets mad at me for my anxiety then and doesn’t accept it ever. I feel like I don’t want to live where do I go, where can I get help

[Avo]

1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

Hi Avo

I woke up worrying about it again today and then I had the thought of what happened and immediately I felt panicked.  I felt more like it happened. Did you read my posts about what happened in the thought sequence? I’m so terrified by those thoughts. I feel it’s connecting to something and it’s getting me so depressed. Has this similar kind of stuff happened to you? This thought felt like the worst that ever happened so far and hence why I want to recapture it to see what it was. Have you dealt with that too? Thank you so much for replying and Paradoxer ok I’m really at my lowest point. 

 

 

 

 

Hi Nikki, 

I did read your other posts, what you must avoid is trying to recapture anything to see what it was. That's a massive compulsion and a game you will never win. it will just strengthen your belief. I have had similar happen, at that particular moment it can feel like the most distressing thing in the world, you chase and chase convinced a bit more digging or looking for evidence will crack it and you will be satisfied. This is the cruel things about OCD, you will never ever get that satisfaction you are in fact making it worse for yourself. 

I really sympathise as its very distressing but you must not try and peruse this for an answer. 

[MentalChecker]

56 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Thanks so much Mental Checker and I’m so glad some good has come from my post and that I helped you. I’ll be honest I’m completely at the end of my tether and I can’t cope. I seriously thought about driving away and doing something to end the pain this morning. I don’t know what to do and I feel such a burden on my family my dad has to come in to talk to me now and it’s so not right he has to do that. He has so much of his own problems and my Mum gets mad at me for my anxiety then and doesn’t accept it ever. I feel like I don’t want to live where do I go, where can I get help

Have you been to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

They may be able to help you, however at the end of the day they don't give you the answer you are looking for I. E the CERTAINTY THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT - Nobody not even YOU can do this and you are the one who was there and who had the thought therefore if you can't do it then nobody else will? 

What you need to do is get things into perspective.  We don't know when we are going to die or how we are going to die but we don't spend all our time worrying about that do we?  Unless that is one of your obsessions and then you will. 

You can drive yourself mad and create anxiety about ANYTHING if you spend enough time thinking about it. 

[Nikki79]

I’m being admitted to Accident and Emergency now as a I felt suicidal and had to reach out to family for help. I couldn’t cope 

[battlethrough]

You will be with caring people who will try and get you the best help, I was there last year,everyone here is here for back up support x

[Nikki79]

Thanks Battlethrough hopefully this will help me to pick myself up again x

[MentalChecker]

Stick with it Nicky you WILL get better.  I was exactly where you are now last Christmas/New Year and I'm in a Much better place now even though I'm not ANY more certain about things.  You just get used to living and dealing with uncertainty but it takes time and effort and is very easy to have a relapse as all we ever want is to be certain about things and if you think you can get certainty by getting reassurance then it's an easy mistake to make I still do it from time to time and need to pull myself back as I know it will only lead to my problems getting worse otherwise. 

Edited December 30, 2019 by MentalChecker

[Nikki79]

I know I can get better @MentalChecker cos as the Nurse said I got there before. I do need some help managing now with my child and need to take a sleeping tablet to help me get more rest. I know it will come good soon, it has to 

[OldCrazyDame]

Hello Nicki.  So sorry to hear what you are going through.  Just remember OCD people are the most caring people there could be, that is why we worry so much.  Just know in your heart that would never hurt your child because you love her too much and keep telling yourself that every time the intrusive thoughts come.  Hope everything goes well for you.

[Nikki79]

35 minutes ago, OldCrazyDame said:

Hello Nicki.  So sorry to hear what you are going through.  Just remember OCD people are the most caring people there could be, that is why we worry so much.  Just know in your heart that would never hurt your child because you love her too much and keep telling yourself that every time the intrusive thoughts come.  Hope everything goes well for you.

Thank you OldCrazyDame. I’m trying to relax myself and ignore whatever is troubling me currently. The Nurse said to do this and almost go easy on myself in a way. 

[Avo]

sorry to hear you had to end up in A & E Nikki, I hope you got some rest and that you feel a bit better today?

[Nikki79]

Hi Avo I did I feel so much better thanks for your concern. An amazing thing happened today. In the same hospital where I was distressed yesterday my little niece was born today, two weeks early. Can you believe that?