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How to deal with challenging parents!


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Hey everyone, I just need some opinions from some fellow OCD sufferers or parents or whoever knows about what I'm talking about!

I have had OCD for nearly 14 years, onset at 7 years old, but only diagnosed 4 years ago when I was 17. But in spite of being diagnosed 4 years ago, my parents are very difficult and unwilling to accept my condition, and they are eternally challenging me and my compulsions. For instance, whenever I wash my hands (which is a lot!) I wash them eight times, which takes me around 5 minutes. Whenever my parents see me, hear me, sense me washing my hands, they will come up and ask me why I'm washing my hands, tell me I 'don't need to wash my hands so much', asks me 'why do I wash my hands so much', tells me 'I could just not wash my hands', like 'I could just stop washing my hands so easily I can just stop'. It is very exhausting. Every single conversation I have with them includes something about my OCD, most frequently with emphasis on the question 'why can't you just stop having OCD?' or something of a similar vein.

But on the other hand, when I try to talk to my parents about how I feel, when they don't initiate the conversation, they deny all knowledge of my anxiety. And depression for that matter. They are fully aware of the obsessions and compulsions I have, but don't seem to think I have any anxiety or depression surrounding them, or at least they pretend like they don't know this. They will say to me 'you're happy, right?', 'what have you got to be anxious about?', 'you don't have anything to worry about', 'your sister has more to worry about than you', despite having an anxiety disorder. This has been an ongoing theme for my parents since being diagnosed, and it's as if they pick and choose when I have OCD - and when I do have OCD in their minds, it's an opportunity to shout at me and tell me I'm not trying to get better and tell me to stop washing my hands and cleaning. They don't even notice my other compulsions like checking, symmetry, order etc.

Please if anyone has advice on how to deal with my parents, or even if anyone experiences difficulties with their parents or families it would be really helpful. Or even if you know someone with OCD, how do you deal with it in a way that's better than what I've listed above?

Thank you so much guys

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Hello awiemiegeht.  I really feel for you.  It is so difficult when those around you don't understand.  I have had OCD since I can remember (I am 62 now!) and hid it from my husband for years although he said he always knew there was something wrong.  He would moan about my constant hand washing in a similar way and all my peculiar behaviours but is  very understanding now that he has an incite to what I am going through and is helping towards my recovery.   After I found the courage to tell him, I found as much information as I could devised for people living with OCD sufferers and he said this helped him immensely.   There is quite a lot of stuff out there for them.  Get your parents  to read the information about it on this site too.  Don't just tell them about it.  Get the information for them and present them with it and tell them you want them to understand what is happening to you.  It is hard for people who do not suffer to understand.  If you had a broken leg they could see it but when it is the mind, nobody can see it and only you know what is happening to you.  If you are seeing a therapist ask them to talk with your parents too. If you are not, try to find one as it really helps with coping and eventually getting as better as possible from OCD.  I hope this has helped a bit and that you get your parents sorted soon.

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4 minutes ago, OldCrazyDame said:

Hello awiemiegeht.  I really feel for you.  It is so difficult when those around you don't understand.  I have had OCD since I can remember (I am 62 now!) and hid it from my husband for years although he said he always knew there was something wrong.  He would moan about my constant hand washing in a similar way and all my peculiar behaviours but is  very understanding now that he has an incite to what I am going through and is helping towards my recovery.   After I found the courage to tell him, I found as much information as I could devised for people living with OCD sufferers and he said this helped him immensely.   There is quite a lot of stuff out there for them.  Get your parents  to read the information about it on this site too.  Don't just tell them about it.  Get the information for them and present them with it and tell them you want them to understand what is happening to you.  It is hard for people who do not suffer to understand.  If you had a broken leg they could see it but when it is the mind, nobody can see it and only you know what is happening to you.  If you are seeing a therapist ask them to talk with your parents too. If you are not, try to find one as it really helps with coping and eventually getting as better as possible from OCD.  I hope this has helped a bit and that you get your parents sorted soon.

Thank you so much for your response. I have actually had 3 different therapists in the past 4 years, all of which discharged me as 'untreatable' which is really distressing. I am currently just seeing a counsellor which is really helpful to talk to. But my past therapist did engage my parents in my treatment, but more often than not she would 'take my parents side' and try to push me too hard into exposure to things I am scared of. I will try and show them the site so that they can try to understand, that is a really good idea! I guess they just have researched things like this on their own volition, read my self help books about OCD and my fear of vomiting, yet they still behave in this way. But I will try and actively give them information.

Thanks so much for telling me a bit about yourself and how things have worked for you! I do find this really helpful to hear how things have been for other people so I can incorporate it myself!

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Your parents are wrong not to support you. But they aren't wrong about washing their hands.

It seems they don't understand mental illness and don't know their words don't help. 

You can get better on your own, though it would be nice if they were in your corner.

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It sounds as if you need a therapist who understands and specialises in OCD because the ones you've had certainly don't seem to have.  Yes, your parents are right about washing your hands, but we all know that.  We know the stuff we do is irrational but the OCD just keeps prodding us on.  Something I read once really helps me.  It said that we make all the rules for our compulsions.  It is our game, so we can break those rules.  So instead of washing your hands eight times, break that rule and try 4 times. When you've managed that try washing them twice or whatever is comfortable for you.  Small steps but it does work. Maybe explain to your parents why you have to do it and tell them that you are working on it but they need to be patient with you.  good luck with this and all the other stuff you are coping with.  

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How to deal with “Challenging” parents,

good luck with that, if you work it out you win first prize in the game of life!

Well if my maths is right you are 21, you have missed the memo , the one that says ,

“Congrats on making it this far, 

you need to know, 

What you learnt at school is not the sum total of knowledge.

Parents and teachers are just as bewildered by life as everyone else.

 

basically we are all in the same boat and are paddling it round in circles”

 

Polar Bear is right your parents could be more supportive, but they are probably scared and confused about what’s happening to you. When they find out about not giving reassurance it’s going to be hard.

Im 50 and my parents are in their late 80s,  It’s still hard to believe that I’m a grown up, although I did have to tell them off for  acting like toddlers in the supermarket.

I actually said “ pack it in you two or we won’t stop for cakes and coffee “

Parents are just people, they do stupid things, they think stupid things.

Im sure yours love you no matter what,  but  it maybe that they need a bit of help too.

Im afraid that OCD recovery isn’t a sprint, and people are often disappointed  when they “ Take the pills, read the books, do the exercise” and are not better right away.

You have been to several therapists so you must know the basics of how it all works.

Id still recommend getting the book  “ Break free from OCD with CBT” and getting your parents to read it as well.

And don’t forget you are not alone, there are organisations like OCDUK, and forums like this full of people to to help, some still struggling some who have “ Been there done that and bought the T shirt”

Good luck.

 

Edited by Closed for repairs
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