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Feeling so bad and so much guilt


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Hi everyone. 

This post can be triggering.

I've been trying to refrain from posting here because I don't want to feed the obsessions I have, and it is so hard. 

But somehow this new obsession came up about me watching extremely disturbing videos when I was younger (16 - 24) with friends about terrorist beheading, murders, people set on fire etc etc. 

I feel so bad and sick for having seen those videos back then, and I'm not sure why I did it. I believe it was more out of curiosity and a certain feeling of thrill. But I remember that at some point when i was about 24 or 25 years old (6 tot 7 years ago) I got sick and disturbed when someone showed them to me, and I've not watched them ever again. 

I just feel so bad and guilty for having done this. 

Does it mean I'm a monster or a crazy person? 

I also get flashbacks of those videos now that my ocd has latched on to this. 

Please help! 

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Looks like you're looking for reassurance. I hope for your sake you don't get it. Funny that it didn't bother you especially before and now suddenly it causes you terrible guilt. I wonder why. 

Edited by paradoxer
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43 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

Looks like you're looking for reassurance. I hope for your sake you don't get it. Funny that it didn't bother you especially before and now suddenly it causes you terrible guilt. I wonder why. 

I guess I'm looking for reassurence. The topic has bothered me in the past, but new 'evidence' now came along this time making me believe I truly did something disturbing by watching those videos. 

It's just so hard right now with my ocd. It jumps from topic to topic. And my appointment with my psychologist is upcoming Monday. While I've been having no appointments for the last 3 weeks due to holidays. 

And the meds were tapered down this year to a quarter of what I did use to take, which whe have increased again back up to its max dose. I'm now almost 2 weeks into this dosage, and I guess that may be causing extra ocd flare ups as well. 

I've been in this situation before, but everytime a major relapse happens like this I feel extremely desperate and am constantly worrying if this will ever get better again. 

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Reassurance isn't helpful; finding answers to questions asked once is ok.

This doesnt make you a bad person. Your OCD has decided to latch onto this as you said, and you are feeling the consequences of that. Do not feed your OCD; do not act on compulsions. Let your thoughts be. When you feel guilty, let it be. Let yourself feel it. Yes, it is difficult, but it's just a feeling: it isn't going to kill you! ? Let it be, and it will pass.

It's the only way to recover. Do not give the thoughts the attention they beg for. Let them be, let them pass, and eventually they will hardly ever, if ever at all, cross your mind.

Give it time, believe in the process, and it will get better. I promise.

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2 hours ago, Ironborn said:

but new 'evidence' now came along this time making me believe I truly did something disturbing by watching those videos. 

So you watched some videos in the past and you eventually decided you were uncomfortable with them and stopped watching them. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to analyze it any more than that.  
 

Maybe it was a bad idea to watch the videos, maybe it was harmless, probably somewhere in between. What do you think worrying about this now will accomplish?  What is your end goal?  To punish yourself? Will you punish yourself for all the other mistakes/questionable choices you have made previously in your life?  For how long? And how much time and effort will you put in to trying to recall each and every one of them?  Go down that road and you’ll never escape it. You don’t have to, it’s a choice you get to make. Yes OCD makes it a bit harder but you still have the power to choose how you respond. Don’t give in to the OCD. You’ll be doing yourself and everyone else a favor. 

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19 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

One of the biggest steps I took in my recovery was forgiving myself. It was for everything. One big forgiving. Then I let it go.

How exactly did you do that? 

Because I've tried something like that in the past. But somehow it never really feels 'true'. 

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1 hour ago, Ironborn said:

Would self forgiveness aid in recovery? 

Or would it be more like a compulsion? 

I don't think self forgiveness is the principal thing. I'd say, the therapeutic approach is don't set yourself up to be a good person. Particularly, in the respect of OCD it will never be enough - will always find fault. Everyone is a rotten person, and that's not bad. Be human, that's enough. 

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I have seen many things online that I wish I could forget. Humans are curious creatures and you are not the first and won't be the last to be curious or morbidly curious and see or look things up that you will later wish you hadn't. The internet is both a wonderful and a horrible place depending on where you go, much like the world itself.

 

Sometimes we don't realise how things affect us or will affect us until later on. I used to read about real life mysteries and crime because I thought I wanted to be a detective until one day I started having panic attacks about what I had seen and read about and now something as simple as an upsetting news story will make me panic and feel depressed and afraid. I can relate to the flashbacks too.

 

You are not a monster or a crazy person but be prepared to be convinced that you are until you can fight the obsession in the way that is the most difficult but most effective. I'm so sorry. You're not alone.

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5 minutes ago, TheLostGirl said:

You are not a monster or a crazy person but be prepared to be convinced that you are until you can fight the obsession in the way that is the most difficult but most effective. I'm so sorry. You're not alone.

And that's that evasive sweet spot which makes the disorder, certainly at a cursory glance, baffling. 

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1 minute ago, paradoxer said:

And that's that evasive sweet spot which makes the disorder, certainly at a cursory glance, baffling. 

If it wasn't convincing or was easy to dismiss I suppose none of us would be here.

 

It truly does feel like a monster that preys on everything precious and integral to who we are. Oh, and our worst fears at any given time.

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I've long been reminded of the film, Memento, where the protagonist can only remember for a few minutes at a time. He has to write things down to recall them. I've often thought there's a need to scrawl down 'OCD is a fraud, don't trust it, don't believe it.' 

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