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A mixed bag of emotions


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Hey there,

I wanted to start by saying I understand the complexity of working on these message boards and how that actually providing reassurance for someone is never an answer. Consequently, that last thing that I want to do right now is to engage in any reassurance seeking. You can imagine that I can run down to you a hundred or so different incidents in which there have been issues; not being sure my mum touched my DVDs with dirty hands, standing in my brothers wee, being worried about having some excrement on me after going for a number two in the bathroom. I have them all and I know there is probably the same response to every one which is - don't engage with the compulsions. And I don't want to. In every case, there is an answer. a) she didn't actually touch them but even if she did, the only dirty thing she had hold of was a dettol wipe and that has antibacterial on it so why is it dirty? b) urine is sterile. It might not smell great but it's not going to kill you and I shouldn't worry or c) if this stuff is already inside you, then it being on your shirt a little bit, while unpleasant to think about, is probably on there already and probably on everyone else. No one is completely clean yada yada yada and we have to accept that these things we fear are everywhere. It helps for a good immune system.

Basically, what I'm saying is I get it.

Thinking about it all, I am not quite sure if my therapist has steered me in the right direction. We have discussed things where he has helped to try and "correct my thinking" by opening my eyes to the reality versus what I think is the reality. The fear and everything. But the truth is that trying to put myself in a position where I am dealing with exposures is incredibly hard. I'll give you an example, walking past my kitchen bin, I often worry that my arm glances over the top of the bin and I pick up decomposing rotting/normal food on my arm. I probably don't but I walk away and I try to not turn back but I think to myself, if I am putting that arm in my bedroom, and I'm touching clean cloths or bedding etc, then you know what, that's pretty gross. I can't be spreading that over my c computer or TV. It just doesn't seem logical. The same applies for going for a number two in the bathroom. If I am not sure my dirty wiping hand hasn't touched the t-shirt,  then surely the best thing to do is change the t-shirt because you don't want to be spreading feces around. Now again, I do understand the point of exposure and response prevention is to put myself in a situation where I am really uncomfortable so for lack of a better word, I've got to try and put myself in a situation where I may have sh*t on me and learn to live with it. It sounds gross but I can't see any other way of doing it that really abides by the rules of ERP. Same principal when walking past dustbins or washing baskets. It gets a bit more difficult with certain things; for example, as I mentioned before about "self love", it's an awkward thing for me. But the general gist of what I've got from people is that everyone does it and gets on with their day without thinking they are contaminating the world so I should be the same. I can't understand for the life of me how someone can't think about what hand they are using to open a door after they've done something (I am sure that even if I did, I would definitely want to make sure I don't use that hand) or whether the hand in question is touching anything else as I try and make my way to the bathroom. Again, I don't think a normal person would probably be as freaked out by that whole transition as I would. I think they'd probably just be like "ok, I should wash my hands" and then just go and open the door without thinking about which hand and then just washing as normal. In fact, I think as far as most people are concerned, I think they'd say, wash your hands before you eat and go to the bathroom but other than that, you're good. But yeah, I still don't like the idea of bodily fluids like that on my phone or computer or somehow managing to touch a cloth that I then use to wipe a TV or something. The ability of transferring contaminants from one thing to another seems so easy in that regard. In each case, I am sure the goal is the same. Expose yourself to things that gross you out to neutralise the anxiety. I mean, in some instances, I guess the thing I'm thinking is WHY would I want to expose myself to these things. Why would I want to potentially have semen or poo or urine on my computer or TV or on my bed. Are we really saying that EVERYONE has that stuff everywhere? I mean I know people say never take a black light into a hotel room because you'll see all the stuff around it but I feel like I need to get my head around this. Are we saying that this is normal? 

To be honest, I am exasperated wondering these things and I feel like my only choice is to put myself through the exposures and prevent myself from performing the compulsions which temporarily nullify the "threat". The idea of living in a world that gross though is freaking scary. I know we've got immune systems to prevent us from infection and stuff like that but I don't know if I want to live in a world where there is the possibility of even trace amounts of cack on my computer screen or TV. But I think this is the reality I have to get used to? Someone once told me that even if this stuff does get on your devices or what not, more often than not, it ends up getting broken down into dust and becoming nullified in the end anyway. That sounds like a nice theory. 

BTW, I am also suffering badly with other OCD stuff including moral OCD where its playing on my mind and I'm constantly reliving it and punishing myself, despite many people telling me that the thing I'm freaking out about not being a big deal. It's funny but it's really hard to forgive yourself. But then, to be honest, I hate myself so why would I show any compassion to myself?

I'm pretty much fed up at the moment. My psychiatrist is being useless and has held up with getting a report done so I cannot boost the treatment I am currently on; consequently, I feel like this is all up to me to solve. That being said, I am not sure even IF drugs are the answer because only the CBT can really tackle this effectively...at least that is how it seems.

Anyway, I needed to rant and get this off my chest. I've been close to tears all evening and I need a hug and someone to just listen to me.

Thanks.

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Hey, Dave.

Listen. Here's something very positive: you've got the theory down pat. Your post above shows you understand how OCD works and why your fears are irrational. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you've come a long way, baby. Give yourself a pat on the back. Half the battle is just getting people to a point where they understand what you wrote. You may not believe it yet, but you at least understand it. Well done.

So, now what? Two things. First you need to start changing the way you think about your obsessions/fears. Even getting to a point where you say to yourself, "Maybe it's not so bad", would be a huge step.

Second, yes you need to start ERP. But understand that you aren't going to jump in with both feet. You are probably thinking the worst case exposure and the anxiety it would produce and thinking, I can't do that. But that's not where you start.

Take, for example, your fear of bin germs. Understand that people touch bins and don't wash their hands or anything they subsequently touch. That's where you want to be. Right now, you can't even get close to a bin without freaking out and doing compulsions. How do you get from one to the other? Slow but steady.

You set up a heirarchy, ftom exposures that would make you uncomfortable up to exposures that you know would freak you out. You start at the bottom of the list.

Say your first exposure is to walk past the bin, then sit in a chair for 15 minutes, with no compulsions. Do you think you could handle that? You do that every day, even twice a day, until doing so is no big deal. 

Then you move up your heirarchy. Perhaps second you do the same but don't wash for 30 minutes. Repeat until it doesn't bother you. Then an hour. Then two hours.

After a bit, you might move up to walking past the bin and brushing your pant leg against the bin, and again refraining from doing compulsions.

And on up the heirarchy you go. It's slow, steady desensitization to your fears. Each time you successfully conquer a level, it gives you confidence to do the next.

Some people find that they skip whole levels. 

You do the above for each obsession you have.

Does that make sense? 

Oh, and I'm sending you a virtual hug!

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20 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Hey, Dave.

Listen. Here's something very positive: you've got the theory down pat. Your post above shows you understand how OCD works and why your fears are irrational. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you've come a long way, baby. Give yourself a pat on the back. Half the battle is just getting people to a point where they understand what you wrote. You may not believe it yet, but you at least understand it. Well done.

So, now what? Two things. First you need to start changing the way you think about your obsessions/fears. Even getting to a point where you say to yourself, "Maybe it's not so bad", would be a huge step.

Second, yes you need to start ERP. But understand that you aren't going to jump in with both feet. You are probably thinking the worst case exposure and the anxiety it would produce and thinking, I can't do that. But that's not where you start.

Take, for example, your fear of bin germs. Understand that people touch bins and don't wash their hands or anything they subsequently touch. That's where you want to be. Right now, you can't even get close to a bin without freaking out and doing compulsions. How do you get from one to the other? Slow but steady.

You set up a heirarchy, ftom exposures that would make you uncomfortable up to exposures that you know would freak you out. You start at the bottom of the list.

Say your first exposure is to walk past the bin, then sit in a chair for 15 minutes, with no compulsions. Do you think you could handle that? You do that every day, even twice a day, until doing so is no big deal. 

Then you move up your heirarchy. Perhaps second you do the same but don't wash for 30 minutes. Repeat until it doesn't bother you. Then an hour. Then two hours.

After a bit, you might move up to walking past the bin and brushing your pant leg against the bin, and again refraining from doing compulsions.

And on up the heirarchy you go. It's slow, steady desensitization to your fears. Each time you successfully conquer a level, it gives you confidence to do the next.

Some people find that they skip whole levels. 

You do the above for each obsession you have.

Does that make sense? 

Oh, and I'm sending you a virtual hug!

 

Just now, Emsie said:

Hey Dave, sending you a virtual hug too and I read every word and I hear you. Awesome advice and support and kindness from PB. X

Thank you so much to you both and PB that definitely makes a lot of sense. I think part of the problem is that I too often try to jump into it with both feet and then I get disheartened whenever it doesn’t work which is often so taking it slowly is probably the right way to go. Even if it means like keeping a t-shirt on that I think has fecal matter on for 30 minutes and then so on and so on just to move it along. I know half the time it is just a feeling of disgust as opposed to the actuality of harm. It’s just about facing those fears and knowing that everyone lives through that on a daily basis. I feel like it is going to be so hard but I know it’s the only way I can well and truly beat this. It’s about coping with the feelings without trying to do the fixing behaviour. 

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9 minutes ago, BigDave said:

 

Thank you so much to you both and PB that definitely makes a lot of sense. I think part of the problem is that I too often try to jump into it with both feet and then I get disheartened whenever it doesn’t work which is often so taking it slowly is probably the right way to go. Even if it means like keeping a t-shirt on that I think has fecal matter on for 30 minutes and then so on and so on just to move it along. I know half the time it is just a feeling of disgust as opposed to the actuality of harm. It’s just about facing those fears and knowing that everyone lives through that on a daily basis. I feel like it is going to be so hard but I know it’s the only way I can well and truly beat this. It’s about coping with the feelings without trying to do the fixing behaviour. 

Spot on Dave, you are clearly a very intelligent guy, make a slow and steady plan of your hierarchy of exposures, write it down and don't do too much at once. One obsession at a time. Success will breed success, your successes will fuel you to continue onwards. X

Edited by Emsie
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18 hours ago, BigDave said:

Basically, what I'm saying is I get it.

Annoying isn't it, 

I got about 5 minutes from my last post on this thread, before working myself up into a panic attack about locking a fire door.

I know it's OCD cobblers, but so far I have managed a panic stricken motorcycle ride back to site, the setting off of several alarms, an embarrassing explanation to security, and 10 minutes of checking over and over getting more convinced I'm not doing it properly, finishing with me counting the seconds till I can go back on Monday and check it the way I thought of on the way home.

So I sympathize with you but at least we can see the wood for the trees, now all we have to do is get out of the forest.

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What gets me is the new thing that is going on with passwords and codes and stuff like that. Like I am constantly paranoid I am typing this stuff into the wrong thing and that everyone all of a sudden is going to be aware of my stuff. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m still sitting with the anxiety waiting for it to pass. 

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2 hours ago, BigDave said:

What gets me is the new thing that is going on with passwords and codes and stuff like that. Like I am constantly paranoid I am typing this stuff into the wrong thing and that everyone all of a sudden is going to be aware of my stuff. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m still sitting with the anxiety waiting for it to pass. 

Could have written this myself.

Its scary how many parts of your life are affected by OCD once you start looking,

I wanted to learn to weld but can’t face, turning gas on and off, it’s probably got something to do with why I won’t learn how to drive.

I try to say it’s not me it’s OCD, but I’m  not sure there is very much of me left.

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Just now, Closed for repairs said:

Could have written this myself.

Its scary how many parts of your life are affected by OCD once you start looking,

I wanted to learn to weld but can’t face, turning gas on and off, it’s probably got something to do with why I won’t learn how to drive.

I try to say it’s not me it’s OCD, but I’m  not sure there is very much of me left.

Ignore this, it possibly the most self pitying, least helpful thing I’ve ever posted.

Im tempted to delete it but feel it’s the sort of thing I should “own” and move on.

Sorry

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I swear to God, this resisting compulsions is so hard. I just opened my door this evening and my brother had his pants half way down his legs and he ran out of the toilet having just been and all I thought of was the idea that he has dirty hands and poo was flying every which way left and right. I know it's ridiculous to think that feces explodes off of a person like some volcanic eruption but just seeing him come out of the toilet with his pants down made me feel physically sick. I am getting with everything as normal because doing otherwise would be giving into OCD but I swear to God that it is testing me. It's actually been a bit of a rubbish few days. I do get annoyed with myself when I give into compulsions and I am trying to fight my way out of that hole. 

Just needed to vent this as I'm finding it really hard today.

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I mean it is ridiculous right? To think that someone who is over a meter away from you can somehow manage to get poo on you, even if they are running out of a room? It just seems like the most stupid thought in the world. Well, maybe not quite but still. He doesn't wash his hands but with a meter gap between us, I am as clean as a bird. Just makes me mad that my brain is playing this trick on me.

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Hi BigDave

I have contamination OCD and I can relate to this post. 

It might sound disgusting but I have thought about deliberately stepping in dog faeces to conquer one of my fears. 

I had CBT a couple of years ago and set myself the challenge of stepping in saliva which I managed to do and I'm still here. 

I suppose it's one step at a time though which feels frustrating. 

Sending positive vibes to you and wishing you the strength needed to make the progress that you deserve to make. 

 

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