Constant Pure O ruminations about being single

[John_Lennon]

Hello everyone.

I have had moderate to severe OCD since birth. I had turned 30 a couple months ago, and still single with no girlfriend, plus being still a virgin. On and off for most of my 20s I kept ruminating about this topic. But since Christmas, which I spent completely alone, the ruminations have increased a lot. I probably think about how I am a failure due to being single/virgin at least 40 seconds of every minute that I am awake. These ruminations threw me into a depressive state in which I currently find myself.

As expected, the constant ruminations and feeling of despair and failure caused my immune system to get destroyed. This usually happens when I keep thinking over and over about something, and causes my body excess stress. On New Year's Eve, I caught some sort of nasal viral infection, which I still have. I have been trying to avoid ruminating about being a single/virgin 30 year old male, since it affects my physical health as well--in addition to Pure O ruminations messing up my immune system, I was also diagnosed with chronic hypertension at the age of 26 mostly because of stress--but I still keep ruminating and fell into a bad depression. Numerous failures in dating and romance has just caused the ruminations to increase.

Does anyone ruminate about something similar to this? This really feels like hell.

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi there

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like you have a lot in your plate and must be really hard. 

To me - based on what you've described here - the picture you paint at least for this particular concern does not necessarily sound like ocd, it sounds more like perhaps depression/general anxiety. Ruminating can be all-consuming without necessarily being ocd. That said I do not know your full story. And ultimately it really is irrelevant, what is relevant is that you are suffering a great deal and deserve to feel happy again.

Are you in the UK? Have you been to a doctor about your mental health and perhaps you could discuss some strategies going forwards whether therapy/meds/a combination? 

I hope you are feeling better very soon x 

[Guest]

Hello, I have never ruminated about being single but I can understand why you would feel worried about this - the expectation from others or the personal want to reach milestones such as entering a relationship or losing your virginity, whatever that term may mean to you, at or before a certain time can put a lot of pressure on you and cause stress - as if mental illness doesn't cause enough of that already.

 

There are many people who do not do these things for many reasons. Some people have obstacles in life such as mental illness (for example, social anxiety) that can make relationships and sexual encounters feel like something you will never be able to enjoy. That's not true, of course, but you could be more than forgiven for feeling that way if you can't stand to look in a mirror or answer the phone which is common for conditions like social anxiety disorder or even low self-esteem. Some people simply choose not to for their own reasons.

 

I would hope that anyone you would find yourself considering as a partner would be understanding of your situation. I also hope that you can show yourself understanding because that will make all the difference in the world. There are people in the world who lie, cheat, steal and wish bad upon others. Having a life that isn't considered "typical" or difficulties that have prevented you from doing what you want to do is no reason to judge or treat someone harshly. Don't give your time to people who don't or can't understand this.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[John_Lennon]

2 hours ago, TheLostGirl said:

Hello, I have never ruminated about being single but I can understand why you would feel worried about this - the expectation from others or the personal want to reach milestones such as entering a relationship or losing your virginity, whatever that term may mean to you, at or before a certain time can put a lot of pressure on you and cause stress - as if mental illness doesn't cause enough of that already.

I feel like since I have already been rejected multiple times for never having had a girlfriend or never having had sex, due to a combination of focussing on university, anxiety, social awkwardness, plus Asperger's, that this affects me more and more since none of the women whom I have met in the past several years wants someone who "lacks experience". It feels hopeless because it is like job applications--they want people with experience, but how do you get experience if they do not hire you? Same with dating.

2 hours ago, TheLostGirl said:

There are many people who do not do these things for many reasons. Some people have obstacles in life such as mental illness (for example, social anxiety) that can make relationships and sexual encounters feel like something you will never be able to enjoy. That's not true, of course, but you could be more than forgiven for feeling that way if you can't stand to look in a mirror or answer the phone which is common for conditions like social anxiety disorder or even low self-esteem. Some people simply choose not to for their own reasons.

Yes, mental issues such as social anxiety are definitely the culprit as well. I have zero friends and never have had a girlfriend, and I have terrible social anxiety. When I am anxious, my awkwardness goes up by a lot. And yes, I cannot stand to look in the mirror because I hate myself so much.

2 hours ago, TheLostGirl said:

I would hope that anyone you would find yourself considering as a partner would be understanding of your situation. I also hope that you can show yourself understanding because that will make all the difference in the world. There are people in the world who lie, cheat, steal and wish bad upon others. Having a life that isn't considered "typical" or difficulties that have prevented you from doing what you want to do is no reason to judge or treat someone harshly. Don't give your time to people who don't or can't understand this.

Well, that is theoretically ideal, but of the few dates that I have been on, 100% of the women considered me weird for the above reasons: lacking experience plus awkward and odd. There is not much that I can do to improve, since I was like this since birth. And where I am I do not seem to meet anyone that is more empathetic or compassionate.

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, John_Lennon said:

I feel like since I have already been rejected multiple times for never having had a girlfriend or never having had sex, due to a combination of focussing on university, anxiety, social awkwardness, plus Asperger's, that this affects me more and more since none of the women whom I have met in the past several years wants someone who "lacks experience". It feels hopeless because it is like job applications--they want people with experience, but how do you get experience if they do not hire you? Same with dating.

Yes, mental issues such as social anxiety are definitely the culprit as well. I have zero friends and never have had a girlfriend, and I have terrible social anxiety. When I am anxious, my awkwardness goes up by a lot. And yes, I cannot stand to look in the mirror because I hate myself so much.

Well, that is theoretically ideal, but of the few dates that I have been on, 100% of the women considered me weird for the above reasons: lacking experience plus awkward and odd. There is not much that I can do to improve, since I was like this since birth. And where I am I do not seem to meet anyone that is more empathetic or compassionate.

It sounds like you've been very unlucky and met people who just don't understand. I'm sorry. That's a good analogy and it must be frustrating but once again these are not people who would be ideal partners for you.

 

I can't stand to look in the mirror either. When it comes to what really makes relationships work and what makes two people compatible, looks actually aren't important at all. Studies have proven this and it's important to remember unless the extent of the relationship you're after is spending one night with someone where it's strictly physical and nothing more is required or expected. It's far more important to share common goals and love and admire them for who they are as a person. I'm sure you're being hard on yourself and don't look as you think you do but this is important to remember regardless. I know it's hard to internalise this when people in general seem to place such a high value on appearance and meeting certain standards.

 

I promise you that there are people who will either not mind your awkwardness or even love you all the more for it. That's assuming you are as awkward and odd as you believe and not being hard on yourself like I suspect you are. But for argument's sake, being awkward and odd doesn't mean that nobody will love you.

 

I can relate to not meeting people who are empathetic and compassionate. I have found very few where I live. Have you tried or considered online dating? As long as you keep yourself safe, it can be a wonderful thing.

[John_Lennon]

3 hours ago, TheLostGirl said:

I can't stand to look in the mirror either. When it comes to what really makes relationships work and what makes two people compatible, looks actually aren't important at all. Studies have proven this and it's important to remember unless the extent of the relationship you're after is spending one night with someone where it's strictly physical and nothing more is required or expected. It's far more important to share common goals and love and admire them for who they are as a person. I'm sure you're being hard on yourself and don't look as you think you do but this is important to remember regardless. I know it's hard to internalise this when people in general seem to place such a high value on appearance and meeting certain standards.

I always think of the comments that I have received, not only about my awkwardness and weirdness, but also my ugliness. Obviously, it hurts a lot more when women call me ugly than if a man calls me ugly. Perhaps I am being hard on myself, but as I said, around every 40 seconds of each minute that I am awake I think about this. Sharing common goals and stuff has not been something that has been given importance, no matter how much I think that it should be, at least in my experience.

 

3 hours ago, TheLostGirl said:

I promise you that there are people who will either not mind your awkwardness or even love you all the more for it. That's assuming you are as awkward and odd as you believe and not being hard on yourself like I suspect you are. But for argument's sake, being awkward and odd doesn't mean that nobody will love you.

 

I can relate to not meeting people who are empathetic and compassionate. I have found very few where I live. Have you tried or considered online dating? As long as you keep yourself safe, it can be a wonderful thing.

I wish that I had experienced seeing that, but that causes my ruminations since I see the contrary, then wonder over and over if I will be single for years or for life. Each ten seconds sometimes I think, "Am I doomed to remain single?" It is like I cannot rest from thinking about it. I have a lot of OCD about hypochondria and that stuff, but eventually my mind rests. With this issue, though, it just keeps going on and on.

I have tried online dating since 2015, on apps like Bumble, OKCupid, etc. The usual ones. I have never met any women in person from any app. I also usually get only 1-2 likes per month. I am not sure what other ways there are to even end up in a position to get dates.

[John_Lennon]

19 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi there

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much at the moment. It sounds like you have a lot in your plate and must be really hard. 

To me - based on what you've described here - the picture you paint at least for this particular concern does not necessarily sound like ocd, it sounds more like perhaps depression/general anxiety. Ruminating can be all-consuming without necessarily being ocd. That said I do not know your full story. And ultimately it really is irrelevant, what is relevant is that you are suffering a great deal and deserve to feel happy again.

Are you in the UK? Have you been to a doctor about your mental health and perhaps you could discuss some strategies going forwards whether therapy/meds/a combination? 

I hope you are feeling better very soon x 

The last time that I ruminated this badly over this issue was 2015 when I was age 26. I lost my appetite from the ruminations and spiraling deprssion that I went from weighing 80 kg (12 st 10 lb) to 55 kg (8 st 8 lb). It is not as bad now as like that, but it is still not good. Probably second worse after 2015.

I have diagnosed OCD from a previous doctor almost 10 years ago, plus as well now from the doctor that I had switched to a few years ago. I would not mind trying therapy (just the talking part). But I live in USA, and with a bad health insurance plan. Since mental health is not covered, I think that sessions last that I checked were over the equivalent of ₤100, clearly not reasonable. So I just do self-help.

[Closed for repairs]

Not saying you do this, but I find my social anxiety is so bad I self sabotage meetings with new people, to make sure I don’t get invited to social stuff.

Most of the time I think it’s unconscious .

I think I put up enough this guys not worth the trouble vibes, to put people off.

The only people I spend any time with are middle aged male maintenance engineers, and frankly they are not my type. (And I only see them at work).

I find it easier to not go to works things, or out to pubs , hobby clubs, night classes etc than dealing with my social anxiety.

Dont be like me get out there and do stuff. Do stuff you enjoy doing and you will meet other people who like doing that stuff too.

I know lots of blokes go “on the pull”, but I suspect that that rather predatory approach is not for you. But if you don’t see friendship as a stepping stone to sex, but as an end in itself, then you will find it easier to make friends.

[Closed for repairs]

1 minute ago, Closed for repairs said:

The only people I spend any time with are middle aged male maintenance engineers, and frankly they are not my type. (And I only see them at work).

Don’t let this put you off middle aged male maintenance engineers, they do smell of WD40, but they are great guys, and won’t go rusty!

[malina]

Hi @John_Lennon, I'm in a relationship now but I had similar ruminations a few years ago before I met my partner. Just after I had turned 26, I read some horrible forum post where these men were saying that women over 25 are practically worthless and nobody would want to date them. Of course that is nonsense, but with my insecurities, it just resonated with me and I was convinced that I was an old hag and would never meet anyone, it was depressing to say the least. Then a few months later, I met my partner.. 

I think that you're just dealing with a lot and it's natural to be worried about things like this when everyone places so much value on finding dating, marriage and so on. Just take your time, there is no set path for when these things should happen. When you're ready, you can always try to put yourself out there to meet someone. You never know what life will bring or who will come into it. 

[John_Lennon]

10 hours ago, malina said:

Hi @John_Lennon, I'm in a relationship now but I had similar ruminations a few years ago before I met my partner. Just after I had turned 26, I read some horrible forum post where these men were saying that women over 25 are practically worthless and nobody would want to date them. Of course that is nonsense, but with my insecurities, it just resonated with me and I was convinced that I was an old hag and would never meet anyone, it was depressing to say the least. Then a few months later, I met my partner.. 

I think that you're just dealing with a lot and it's natural to be worried about things like this when everyone places so much value on finding dating, marriage and so on. Just take your time, there is no set path for when these things should happen. When you're ready, you can always try to put yourself out there to meet someone. You never know what life will bring or who will come into it. 

A big problem that I have is that I cannot stop comparing myself to other people. It is almost an inbed habit that I just cannot stop. Like right now, when I read your message, I am comparing myself to you. Since you found a relationship at 26, I compare myself to you and think that since I am 30, you are normal and I am abnormal, since you got a relationship at 26, yet I am 30 and still have not found out. And then I spiral downwards into this negative thinking. I have also seen on fora and on various websites that how a guy like me at 30 who has zero relationship and sexual experience basically is a lost cause--that women will never want such a loser, and that people in general will just berate and make fun of such a guy for the rest of his life. I feel like this is what awaits me in the present and future (since it already has happened). I have seen on other fora how women say that anyone over basically age 25 with no relationships/sex is more or less undateable. This really hurts to see. I feel physically sick when I think about it. It makes me want to vomit, and that is not an exaggeration. 

Yes, I am dealing with a lot, I keep getting viral infections each time I ruminate about this stuff since my immune system declines badly when I am under severe stress and ruminations. I feel like, yes, everyone is putting a lot of pressure on dating. I feel like I am the only one in my social groups that has never had a relationship nor sex. True, I do know some males who are in their mid-30s who are also virgins with no girlfriends. However, they also suffer from depression and other problems due to their situation. None of them are happy, similar to me. I have been on dates before, but it was clear that none of the women were compatible with me. And I have a really bad associating with dating because 100% of the dates that I have been on have been seriously unpleasant. As in, humiliating, degrading and just so unpleasant that they have been traumatising. But I have to date to have a relationship, that is kind of a necessary step. I just feel so hopeless, since nothing is coming to fruition, no matter how hard and how much I try different things. I feel as if I am just stuck in a hole. 

[John_Lennon]

I have been monitoring my blood pressure because this issue is recently giving me a lot of stress/grief.

As of 01h27, my blood pressure readings in succession were:

1) 161/97
2) 151/84
3) 154/92
4) 144/83
5) 158/91

I already take 10 mg Lisonipril. I have been on blood pressure medication since 2016. This incessant topic is causing me so much hardship. I have lost a lot of interest in my hobbies already. I can barely concentrate on my language books anymore. 

[dksea]

15 hours ago, John_Lennon said:

I have been monitoring my blood pressure because this issue is recently giving me a lot of stress/grief.

If your doctor has recommended monitoring your blood pressure for some reason (health condition, medication, etc) then the best person to report it to is them.  As this is an OCD focused forum, you're unlikely to get much (if any) insight on blood pressure issues, its just not our particular area of expertise as it were.

If you don't have a specific reason to be monitoring your blood pressure (and perhaps even if you do)  its likely that doing so is a compulsion and not beneficial to your OCD.  If the BP issue bothers you it may be best to talk with your doctor/therapist about it and come up with a plan for dealing with those intrusive thoughts.