OCD and Ethical Standards to Live By

[NoahsArk]

I posted about this issue about a year ago, and wanted to follow up:

Last winter I had an idea for an app that I thought would be cool: a social media app which allows you to select from your contacts (i.e. phone contacts, facebook, instagram, etc.) a group of people who you would enjoy having a surprise meeting with. If they are also using the app and choose you, it brings you to an anonymous chat screen where you can chat with that person for the purpose of setting up a time to meet, but you wont know who they are until they show up at the meeting place (you'll only know that they are among you contacts and that you both wanted to meet each other). It could be used for dating and for finding out if you have a secret admirer, or it could be used to just organize surprise gettogethers.

I'm also thinking that while the app itself might be fun to use, people could use it for things like cheating on their spouses and partners. It could facilitate this because in a regular situation, where people are just using something like facebook, there would be a social barrier to asking certain friends to meet (i.e. those who are in committed relationships with other people). For example, on facebook a user would likely restrain himself from reaching out to certain people (e.g. a boss, or the ex girl friend of his friend) because if the recipient of the invitation wasn't interested, it would be awkward the next time they met. With this app, though, it stays anonymous until both people select each other to be in each other's surprise meet pool, and no one will know who the other is until they actually meet at the agreed time and place.

The app doesn't have to be used, though, in any objectionable way. It could also be used by people in the gay community who might otherwise feel uncomfortable approaching another member of the same sex not knowing for sure what that person's sexual orientation is. Even though I am not gay, this would be an ethical use of the app, or at least not unethical. I've been working on it on and off with a programmer for about a year, but I don't know if I should finish it due to the above ethical concerns, and it's not clear how much use it would find in the general public in any event. Last time I posted about this issue another forum member told me to just finish it, and then later on see how people are using the app, and that it's not my problem anyway if people choose to use it in a wrong way. The thing I didn't mention, though, is I initially got the idea for the app as a result of something ethically questionable: there was a woman who I knew for years that I liked and wanted to ask out, but she was married at the time and still is. I didn't want to ask her unless I knew she also liked me, then I got the idea for the app. I now think that was a dishonorable intention I had, but I've realized there are many ok ways that the app could be used, and that there could be a legit market for it. That's why I've continued. Does the fact that my original idea for how the app should be used taint the whole thing, and is it a reason for me to stop the project?

That also brings up another question which is in the title of this post: how does someone create a set of ethical standards to live by that is helpful to them and others, and at the same time doesn't become an obsessively long list? I think everyone should have some list of rules that they live by, but the list should be limited or else it could become a big hindrance. For example, most people live by the rule not to kill others, and not to intentionally cause physical harm to others. Most people have a few others at least on their list, and some rules that are unique to them. When OCD takes over, though, the list can get out of hand. I for example, at the peak of my ocd, would not sit in a car that had leather seats because I thought it was cruelty to animals, and would sometimes walk home far distances rather than get into a car that had them. I still respect people who don't eat meat or wear leather, and I myself still observe some related rules- like I wouldn't wear a fur coat, for example. AT one point in my life, though, I had set so many rules for myself that progress in any area was very difficult. Regarding the app, it's hard for me to know if I am having second thoughts on finishing it because of legit ethical concerns, or because of OCD. I suppose I could just live by the rule to not intentionally harm others, or do something that I know will directly cause harm to others. I could tell myself that the only harm that this app could cause (i.e. potentially breaking up someone's family) would be indefinite, since I don't know what the chances of that happening are, and also indirect (since it would be based on conduct of others that I don't have control over.

I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts on this issue.

Edited January 6, 2020 by NoahsArk

[paradoxer]

Finish the app, what would be 'unethical' would be to allow a mental disorder to curtail your creativity. OCD as an arbiter of morality? (in the nicest way), F*ck off.

My proverbial. 

Edited January 6, 2020 by paradoxer

[dksea]

21 minutes ago, NoahsArk said:

Regarding the app, it's hard for me to know if I am having second thoughts on finishing it because of legit ethical concerns, or because of OCD.

Remember this rule of thumb: If you think it might be OCD, it probably is.

[NoahsArk]

Thank you for the feedback Paradoxer and Dksea.

Sometimes it's hard for me to tell whether it's OCD that's being the arbiter of morality or not. True, the rule of thumb can be applied to decide whether it's really something immoral or if it's just ocd.

[NoahsArk]

I felt good for a while but today at work I kept getting distracted asking myself questions like "What if I get punished for making an app like this?". Even if I want people to use it in a non harmful way, what if some people use it in a way that breaks up their family? Is there a way I can decide to finish the project but not let it interfere with my main job?

[dksea]

29 minutes ago, NoahsArk said:

I felt good for a while but today at work I kept getting distracted asking myself questions like "What if I get punished for making an app like this?". Even if I want people to use it in a non harmful way, what if some people use it in a way that breaks up their family? Is there a way I can decide to finish the project but not let it interfere with my main job?

You can always come up with "what if" scenarios for any situation.  You don't have to answer the questions that pop up because of OCD, you probably shouldn't.
Imagine your job was something relatively benign, like being a cashier at a grocery store.  Here are some what ifs for you.

"What if the food I just sold someone has expired and they get sick from eating it?"
"What if the food I just sold someone had an allergen in it and they get anaphalatic shock from eating it?"
"What if I didn't pack their bag properly, the eggs fall out while they are walking to their car, causing them to stop in the middle of the parking lot and causing another car to swerve to avoid them and crash into another car?"
"What if the store I work for is being used by the mafia to launder money?"
"What if the coworker I give rides home to sometimes is secretly a drug dealer and helping them out helps them sell more drugs?"
"What if I forget to check someone's ID when they buy beer and I get in trouble for selling alcohol to a minor?"
"What if I say hello to a regular customer and comment on how her husband was just here this morning, only her husband told her he's on a business trip.  Because of my comment she finds out he is having an affair and their marriage ends?"

All that from just being a simple grocery store clerk.  I could easily keep coming up with "what ifs", they are endless.  Some more farfetched than others, but all theoretically possible.  A non-sufferer would laugh at most if not all of these questions, the odds are slim, they recognize that even if some of them are true its not actually their fault, they aren't responsible for everything thats tangentially connected to them, etc.  As sufferers we may FEEL like these issues are more important, but that doesn't mean they are.  We can choose to behave like a non-sufferer (and should).  Yes its harder, but its the right choice.  If you do it often enough then you start to behave more like a non-sufferer, the anxiety becomes less and less of an issue.  But you have to act like it doesn't matter BEFORE you'll feel like it doesn't matter.  Fake it til you make it.  If you wait to act until you feel better you'll probably be waiting a long time, possibly forever.

[NoahsArk]

"We can choose to behave like a non-sufferer (and should).  Yes its harder, but its the right choice.  If you do it often enough then you start to behave more like a non-sufferer, the anxiety becomes less and less of an issue.  But you have to act like it doesn't matter BEFORE you'll feel like it doesn't matter.  Fake it til you make it.  If you wait to act until you feel better you'll probably be waiting a long time, possibly forever."

Thank you Dksea. This is what I want to do. As you said, though, it's very difficult.

Regarding the grocery store scenarios, I've had irrational thoughts like that. These thoughts about the app, though, don't seem as far fetched. The very nature of the app seems like it lends itself to people seeking relationships that they wouldn't do if the app were not anonymous. If a user wants to try and set up a meet with someone who it would not be appropriate to be in a relationship with, because that other person is not single, or for whatever reason, there will be no consequences to the pursuer in attempting to set up the meeting. The other party wont know who has attempted to meet them until they've expressed mutual interest in the other person and until the two meet face to face somewhere. In the examples with the store, the conduct described is harmless in 99.999 % of situations, and it's not possible for people to live without engaging in such conduct. With using the app, all though  it would probably mostly be used for harmless conduct, there is a much higher chance (say 20% even though I know it's not possible to put an exact number) that it would cause conduct that is not socially acceptable. It could be harmless fun but I worry it could open a pandora's box. At the same time I enjoy trying to build something and learning about coding while working on the project.

I know I have OCD, but given how the app works, are my concerns legit?

[paradoxer]

22 minutes ago, NoahsArk said:

I know I have OCD, but given how the app works, are my concerns legit?

You've already had responses re the same. You're obviously looking for reassurance. Let that be your guide.

I hope no one else entertains your question with an answer. 

Best.  

[NoahsArk]

Paradoxer I see. I'll do my best to sweat it out for now. 

Thank you.

[dksea]

11 hours ago, NoahsArk said:

I know I have OCD, but given how the app works, are my concerns legit?

Rule of thumb time

[paradoxer]

9 hours ago, NoahsArk said:

Paradoxer I see. I'll do my best to sweat it out for now. 

Thank you.

Cheers.