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Hi guys just writing to say today was weird. I went to visit my new week old niece and before going I had to change my daughter’s diaper. I was really freaked out about it and had all these reminders or other worries and then afterwards I remembered even maybe imagining something too so was worried I had done something. I really didn’t like this and it made it hard to concentrate on seeing my new niece after. I think what happened was extreme anxiety but not what I was worried about. I have to recognize that 

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Hi Nikki79, You are not a terrible person. You have been (like many of us I'm afraid to say) fooled by OCD lies. OCD will always tell lies about everything. It's all about doubt, uncertainty and fear. It is quite capable of making you believe anything. Enjoy being with your daughter and niece. Don't on any account let OCD rob you of time together with those two special girls. OCD is a bully and should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

Edited by O Neg
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18 minutes ago, O Neg said:

Hi Nikki79, You are not a terrible person. You have been (like many of us I'm afraid to say) fooled by OCD lies. OCD will always tell lies about everything. It's all about doubt, uncertainty and fear. It is quite capable of making you believe anything. Enjoy being with your daughter and niece. Don't on any account let OCD rob you of time together with those two special girls. OCD is a bully and should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

Thanks O Neg. My boyfriend was talking with me tonight and he is clearly fed up and frustrated with my OCD and says he is sick of telling me not to worry etc and I don’t listen. He said it’s got progressively worse over the years I’ve been with him even tho I do get better at times. He said I’m going to lose out on everything with him and my daughter etc if I let this bully take over. It’s make me so sad because it’s not my fault and I’ve been really bad in managing it lately and I so desperately want this to stop ruining my life. I’m so scared over the year I’ve had my child that I’ve harmed her in some way. I can barely remember a nappy change that I haven’t been anxious, had racing thoughts, worrried about something and then recently my mind has the feeling there is something to remember as I’ve had so many images, worries anxieties and cloudy memories around this nappy changes. I’m so scared I’m going to lose my family. I’m so scared ??

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27 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Thanks O Neg. My boyfriend was talking with me tonight and he is clearly fed up and frustrated with my OCD and says he is sick of telling me not to worry etc and I don’t listen. He said it’s got progressively worse over the years I’ve been with him even tho I do get better at times. He said I’m going to lose out on everything with him and my daughter etc if I let this bully take over. It’s make me so sad because it’s not my fault and I’ve been really bad in managing it lately and I so desperately want this to stop ruining my life. I’m so scared over the year I’ve had my child that I’ve harmed her in some way. I can barely remember a nappy change that I haven’t been anxious, had racing thoughts, worrried about something and then recently my mind has the feeling there is something to remember as I’ve had so many images, worries anxieties and cloudy memories around this nappy changes. I’m so scared I’m going to lose my family. I’m so scared ??

It's not your fault but only you can do something about it. If you want to get better you need to follow the advice you've been given. If you choose not to things will never get better and you'll waste the best years of your daughter's life to OCD.

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Just now, PinkPrincess1981 said:

It's not your fault but only you can do something about it. If you want to get better you need to follow the advice you've been given. If you choose not to things will never get better and you'll waste the best years of your daughter's life to OCD.

That just cannot happen. I cannot have her affected by this.

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18 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

That just cannot happen. I cannot have her affected by this.

Then you need to be strong and trust what everyone is telling you - the more you obsess the worse you're going to get and the harder it's going to be to pull yourself out. 

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This morning I got panicky and needed to pull up her pants after I put her on the floor and had to sit her on my knee I don’t know what happened but I completely panicked and felt like I was doing bad when she was on my knee so I tried to adjust her on my knee which was nearly worse coz my knee jerked and I had to move her and I’m afraid i did wrong to her. It was so distressing and I had a full anxiety attack 

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Hello Nikki79,

This is clearly very distressing for you. I know all about trying to do what you think is right and then wondering if in fact you did what was right. Just remember, you have a mental illness called OCD. It can and will get you to believe most anything. Read some of my own threads and see how I buy into the lies that are told by this most cruel of disorders. Please try to remember that what you are experiencing are intrusive thoughts, they don't mean you are a bad person. I know it is difficult not to dance with the thought as the subject; your daughter, obviously means so much to you. I have had similar problems with my children and now grandchildren. Think of it as your fight or flight centre in your brain going off at the wrong time and giving meaning to meaningless things. I hope this is of some if only limited help. Nearly everyone on this site is struggling or at some time in the past has struggled with OCD. You are not alone and what you are going through is by no means unique.

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20 minutes ago, O Neg said:

Hello Nikki79,

This is clearly very distressing for you. I know all about trying to do what you think is right and then wondering if in fact you did what was right. Just remember, you have a mental illness called OCD. It can and will get you to believe most anything. Read some of my own threads and see how I buy into the lies that are told by this most cruel of disorders. Please try to remember that what you are experiencing are intrusive thoughts, they don't mean you are a bad person. I know it is difficult not to dance with the thought as the subject; your daughter, obviously means so much to you. I have had similar problems with my children and now grandchildren. Think of it as your fight or flight centre in your brain going off at the wrong time and giving meaning to meaningless things. I hope this is of some if only limited help. Nearly everyone on this site is struggling or at some time in the past has struggled with OCD. You are not alone and what you are going through is by no means unique.

Thanks O Neg. I spoke to the Mental Health Nurse that I dealt with last week. She was very good and said I need to be compassionate and kind to myself right now.

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18 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Thanks O Neg. I spoke to the Mental Health Nurse that I dealt with last week. She was very good and said I need to be compassionate and kind to myself right now.

You do indeed need to be kind to yourself Nikki but in similar measure you need to be quite tough with yourself.  Posting on the forum as each fear strikes ultimately won't help you and as well-intentioned as it is, neither will people reassuring you help either, other than very short term.

You've had OCD for quite some time, you know how it can affect people and logically, you know that this is what you're dealing with, why you feel so panicked.  So, let's work on the things you need to do to change your reaction.  Based on this latest incident, I want you to identify and write down all the compulsions you carried out to try and relieve your anxiety.  It's time to fight back for your Daughter and for yourself.  So, thinking cap on, what were the compulsions?

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Rehashing the scenario, reassuring in my head mainly. For example when I get something that worries me I tend to want to analyse the thought to see what happened to try get a certain peace or relief from it but and try and feel it’s not as bad as I think even ‘though the doubt is major of course

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Hi Nikki

I'm new to this forum but I noticed your thread and I thought that I would share with you a few of the things that I picked up during some CBT sessions that I attended. 

One of the main things that the therapist stressed was that we have a choice. We can choose to act on our compulsions or not act on our compulsions, if you do have any compulsions. 

Do you think that posting on these forums may be a compulsion? Maybe you feel compelled to share your intrusive thoughts? The only person who can truly reassure you is you. Others can only provide you with temporary relief and that, as you probably know yourself, is a vicious cycle. 

It is important to note that they are just thoughts, as distressing and upsetting as they are.

If you were not distressed or upset by the thoughts that you are having, then you would have something to worry about. The fact that these thoughts do cause you distress and upset means that these thoughts aren't you. 

OCD thrives off making you feel like the things that you truly value are under threat. It is clear that you love your daughter and although I'm guessing that you doubt your own abilities, you are probably a very loving and protective mum. In fact your protectiveness is a good thing in some ways. 

Have you considered setting yourself some small, achievable goals relating to your fears? 

One might be to wait an hour before sharing your intrusive thoughts and then to wait a couple of hours before sharing your intrusive thoughts etc. 

You could try recording how you feel during these challenges. Hopefully you will notice that the level of upset that you experience is less and less. 

Sending positive vibes to you and wishing you well with achieving the OCD free life that you deserve. 

HandWasher

Edited by HandWasher
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No buts Nikki.....it's because it's hard that you need to do something to change that.  This won't go away on it's own, it will just get harder and more complicated so there's no better place to start but now.

Hand washer has given some really good tips there, how's about giving it a try?

The first thing you did today was to try and take avoidant actions like moving her to a different position.  This was followed by rumination and then looking for reassurance.  How's about trying out Handwashers suggestion of delaying your compulsions?

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I hate having to talk about what happens al the time but like I can’t even put her in her high chair without having feeling like I’ve done bad. I mean I was holding her by her torso to put her in and then thought where my hand was and seemed to act out a fear of holding her longer thinking it’s perverted or something  normally I would be so anxious but this happened and not that much although I am upset that I have done bad to my child. 

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Nikki, we don't need to know the thoughts that you had.  We know that you had frightening thoughts about your Daughter because you have OCD.  What you need to do is to work on challenging and changing your reactions and behaviour when these unwanted thoughts hit you.  Given that using compulsions to deal with things won't work and will only make things worse, don't you think that trying to change your response is a better option?

I know how scary this is for you........but it's scary not dangerous.......so what can you change to try and improve how you feel?

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9 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Nikki, we don't need to know the thoughts that you had.  We know that you had frightening thoughts about your Daughter because you have OCD.  What you need to do is to work on challenging and changing your reactions and behaviour when these unwanted thoughts hit you.  Given that using compulsions to deal with things won't work and will only make things worse, don't you think that trying to change your response is a better option?

I know how scary this is for you........but it's scary not dangerous.......so what can you change to try and improve how you feel?

But how can an action I do be a thought? This is where I think I get confused do you know what I’m saying? Sorry Caramoole but these are the ones I just genuinely don’t understand 

Edited by Nikki79
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11 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Because an action provokes an intrusive thought or feeling that accompanies it.  If there was no thought you wouldn't have the fear/anxiety, would you?

I did the act ‘though?

this is such a common one for me it really would help me to understand it better. I also seem to do them sometimes like that easily which freaks me out after. Allow it and indulge it in a way

Edited by Nikki79
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4 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Which action do you mean?  What did you do?

Holding my child and whilst putting her in the chair let her stay in my arms a bit longer whilst I was feeling I was enjoying her in a weird way. I casually let it happen

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So.....you picked your child up and held her?  Something trillions of people have done today.  That is your action.  You picked your child up BUT what caused the distress was the accompanying thought that we t with the action "What if I did that for sexual enjoyment" (or something similar).  Without that thought the action would have meant nothing.

Now you've got to work hard at getting up to speed with that Nikki.  Accepting that the thought was the problem because you suffer from OCD.  We're in danger of slipping into reassurance here.......and there's been quite a lot.

Have you been referred (or are waiting for) any therapy?

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