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Told friends about intrusive thoughts years ago


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Hi there 

I have had OCD since 2009. I remember as I started to get better after being on medication I told some friends about my intrusive thoughts. I didn't find them so scary at the time as I was getting better with treatment but also didn't think of the consequences of telling people and being misunderstood. From what I remember we didn't talk about it again for a few years and I lost touch and I am no longer friends with them. So fast forward 11 years and I've started to completely obsess over this thinking what if they didn't understand and thought I was an awful person or what if they told other people and one day my life will come crashing down and people will misunderstand and not know that it was OCD. I feel like I'm trapped now and I'm not sure if my OCD has latched onto this or if it is a genuine concern. 

Edited by Gale1101
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Welcome aboard, 

Sorry to hear you are suffering, 

We are a good bunch, with some very helpful people, 

You will be told what you need to hear not what you want to sometimes.

You have had treatment was it CBT or just meds,

If you have done CBT it sounds like you need to apply what you have learned.

If not then you need to learn what to apply.

What i said above is a good start,

If it seems like OCD then it probably is.

(I think I want that on a mug, better than all those "funny OCD" ones).

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Hi thanks for your reply.

I did see a psychologist but I have never done CBT or ERP with a therapist. 

I have all the self help books on ocd and watched loads of videos on YouTube but I have not applied ERP in a structured manner. Usually just try to accept the thoughts as they come. 

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1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

Hi there 

I have had OCD since 2009. I remember as I started to get better after being on medication

Ok then you have OCD.

So....

1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

I lost touch and I am no longer friends with them. So fast forward 11 years and I've started to completely obsess over this

OCD,

 

1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

what if they didn't understand and thought I was an awful person or what if they told other people and one day my life will come crashing down

OCD (catastrophising, predicting the future).

 

1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

people will misunderstand and not know that it was OCD

OCD (mind-reading)

 

1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

I'm not sure if my OCD has latched onto this or if it is a genuine concern. 

OCD (seeking reassurance).

And it is a genuine concern , you are concerned about it, but it's also OCD grabbing a passing thought about something that may have been misinterpreted 11 years ago by people you no longer see.

It's all OCD, lieing to you that any of that is important!

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Thanks that makes alot of sense breaking it down like that. 

I just wish I didn't tell anyone. I don't think many people go around telling others about their intrusive thoughts. 

Ugh I'm not sure how to dismiss this it really feels like it's a big problem. 

So if I was to apply the OCD treatment I should just allow myself to think of the worst and imagine that they did tell others and people are talking about me and thinking badly of me. Sit with that and carry out no compulsions ? 

 

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39 minutes ago, Gale1101 said:

 

So if I was to apply the OCD treatment I should just allow myself to think of the worst and imagine that they did tell others and people are talking about me and thinking badly of me. Sit with that and carry out no compulsions ? 

It's more, you can't know if anyone is talking about you, so if your going to make an assumption, (which you have to), you may as well assume the best, that is no one is talking or even thinking about you, sit with that and carry out no compulsions, if you can't assume the best, then yes it's a case of getting used to the anxiety, and it will fade, whatever, not doing the compulsions is important, (if you have a lot of compulsions then work on cutting down rather than going cold turkey.

And if your thinking of tracking these people down on Facebook or whatever and asking them about this then DON'T DO IT.

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Thanks so much for all of your replies. I'm feeling lots of anxiety and I suppose I'm trying to escape it which I know is wrong. I'm catastrophising and I recognise there are a whole lot of 'what ifs' going on right now. 

Need to just try to let it be but it's so hard 

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I feel like today is really hard. So far I've spent hours researching online how to feel better or how to let this go but it's like I just keep searching with no relief now. I feel myself getting worse and like I'm going down the rabbit hole again 

Lots of my other obsessions I've had in the past seem to be popping up and I'm starting to go into a bit of a panic 

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1 hour ago, Gale1101 said:

I feel like today is really hard. So far I've spent hours researching online how to feel better or how to let this go but it's like I just keep searching with no relief now. I feel myself getting worse and like I'm going down the rabbit hole again 

Lots of my other obsessions I've had in the past seem to be popping up and I'm starting to go into a bit of a panic 

It's really simple. If what you are doing is not bringing about positive changes, STOP DOING IT. 

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My take? The uber shame, guilt that OCD produces is far worse than the real thing. Here's your clue as to its 'value'. For eleven years it hasn't meant a damn thing, now it's excruciating and 'terribly significant'. Treat it with the disdain it deserves. 

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Hi @Gale1101, welcome to the forums.  Sorry you are having such troubles.

 

15 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

So fast forward 11 years and I've started to completely obsess over this thinking what if they didn't understand and thought I was an awful person or what if they told other people and one day my life will come crashing down and people will misunderstand and not know that it was OCD.

It's technically possible that could happen.  It's also technically possible an elephant could escape from your local zoo, go rampaging through the city and step on you when you are leaving your local shop.

I'm guessing your initial reaction is something along the lines of "But the elephant situation is crazy and mine is much more likely!".  While you are true that the elephant situation is crazy, I think you are wrong that your feared scenario is MUCH more likely.  It might be more likely, but its still pretty remote.  Thats the problem with OCD, it turns unlikely situations in to seemingly important, urgent, we have to deal with it right now or else, situations.  It FEELS super important and scary, but that doesn't mean it IS super important or scary.

The anxiety you feel IS obviously real.  If it wasn't real you wouldn't have a problem, you wouldn't be here.  But that doesn't mean the risk is real.  Part of overcoming OCD is making conscious choices not to respond to the anxiety you FEEL as if it means the risk is real.  Of course you want to feel better, you want to get rid of the anxiety, you want to feel "safe" again.  Thats absolutely normal and understandable. Unfortunately, because of OCD you have to put in a bit of work to get there compared to the average person.  It sucks, yes, but its the reality we face.  OCD sufferers want (understandably) to feel better so they can move on.  Here's the thing though, in order to feel better, you have to start to move on first.  You can't wait until you feel normal to start acting normal again, you have to start acting normal again in order to feel more normal again.  Its frustrating and all, but it is what it is.  When it comes to OCD, fake it til you make it, is a real thing.

HOW do you do it?  The very simplified version is: avoid compulsions, treat the thoughts as unimportant, act "normaL" as best you can.  Relatively simple but not always easy.  The more detailed version involves learning and practicing CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) techniques designed to help you do those things.  Additionally treatments like ERP help you kind of reset your sense of what's normal and what's not.  If its an option, working with a. professional mental health worker is a great idea,.  Self help CBT books can also be helpful in guiding you along the path to recovery.  There are a few good ones out there (you can find them in the OCD-UK store).  Pick one that looks good to you and give it a while.Having goals and a plan will make recovery a lot easier.
 

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Thank you 

Spoke to my partner last night and I felt better but I think it's because I was seeking reassurance and he gave me that. He said you would be more likely to get electrified by the toaster and he was like who cares anyway. If the kids ever found out about your OCD we could explain it to them and we would all be fine so it's not a real worry. 

I think I must have an issue about what people think of me. Maby need to work on that. 

The fact is I know I didn't do anything wrong but I just regret casually telling people. 

I can recognise here that I have uncertainty around this and that is what I am struggling with tolerating that I can't know for sure that people don't know about my thoughts and think badly of me.

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2 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

He said you would be more likely to get electrified by the toaster and he was like who cares anyway.

This!

Very sensible attitude.

2 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

If the kids ever found out about your OCD we could explain it to them and we would all be fine so it's not a real worry. 

If they are old enough, is probably a good idea to tell them anyway. If they are not old enough they probably haven't noticed anything wrong.

Any way having OCD is nothing to be ashamed of, I tend to regard it as none of anyone elses business, and some of the compulsive things I've done I'm not proud of.

But ashamed of having OCD, no way, it's not my fault, and it's not yours either.

You are ill and trying to get better, nothing wrong with that!

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On 10/01/2020 at 18:00, Gale1101 said:

Spoke to my partner last night and I felt better but I think it's because I was seeking reassurance and he gave me that. He said you would be more likely to get electrified by the toaster and he was like who cares anyway.

It is a little bit of reassurance, but reassurance now and then is not a problem, its only when it becomes compulsive that its a problem.  Just like normal hand washing isn't a problem, its excessive compulsive hand washing that is.  So you've asked your partner, he said not to worry about it, trust him and try not to ask him again :)

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Hi Gale1101

I attended CBT sessions a couple of years ago now and my therapist would often ask me these two questions;

'What if [insert fear here] did happen?' 

Generally speaking, my life wouldn't come crashing down ?

And 'What's the worst that could happen?' 

In your case you believe that your friend may not have understood your intrusive thoughts, that they might believe that you are an awful person, that they might have told others about your intrusive thoughts etc. 

For each of these fears, it might be helpful to ask yourself whether there is any evidence that they have happened. 

- Do you know that they didn't understand your intrusive thoughts? 

- Do you know that they thought that you were an awful person? 

- Do you know that they told others about your intrusive thoughts? 

You mention that your friend may have misunderstood you or that you may be misunderstood by others, if your friend has told others about your intrusive thoughts. 

It seems to me that what you are really afraid of is being misunderstood. 

If you can, try to focus on the fact that you know that your husband at least understands you. 

I would also consider sitting down with your children and having an open conversation about your OCD and how it affects you. Of course this depends on their ages but if they are aware that you have a condition that affects your thinking, they are far more likely to understand why you might sometimes behave the way you do. 

I hope that you find it within yourself to let this fear go now. If you are well at the moment, it seems like a shame to let this single obsession drag you down. 

HandWasher 

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Thank you for the support 

After reading another post on this forum I have got myself back worrying.

It just made me realise how silly I was to discuss the content of my intrusive thoughts. 

I now fear that those friends would likely have not understood and who knows what they must have been thinking about me. I can barely even remember what I said but I just know that I told them about the intrusive thoughts which has been advised not to be discussed initially and I should have just kept it as I have OCD and not went into it. 

I still see people who were mutual friends so I'm so worried that they might have told others about my intrusive thoughts. 

I know this is highly unlikely but the fact it's it's possible and the fact I have uncertainty over it is what is making my anxiety and OCD go into overdrive. 

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Hi Gale

Try to sit with the uncertainty. If you can master sitting with the uncertainty, you can master your OCD. 

I know from personal experience how frightening these thoughts can be as I'm guessing most others on these forums do, however 'feeding' it can make it worse.

If you're anything like me, things can spiral quickly. 

Let your thoughts come and go, eventually the waves of anxiety should be less and less. 

Remember that you're not alone. 

Ask yourself 'Is it benefitting me to obsess over this scenario?' etc. 

You can do this

HandWasher

 

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