Told friends about intrusive thoughts years ago

[dksea]

13 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

I now fear that those friends would likely have not understood and who knows what they must have been thinking about me. I can barely even remember what I said but I just know that I told them about the intrusive thoughts which has been advised not to be discussed initially and I should have just kept it as I have OCD and not went into it. 

I still see people who were mutual friends so I'm so worried that they might have told others about my intrusive thoughts. 

I know this is highly unlikely but the fact it's it's possible and the fact I have uncertainty over it is what is making my anxiety and OCD go into overdrive. 

Yes, it is possible.  Its also possible they haven't given it a second thought.  Lots of things are possible and all things that haven't happened have a level of uncertainty.  Absolutely the uncertainty is part of why you have anxiety, that's how OCD works.  Its not causing your OCD to go in to overdrive, its what OCD is.

[Gale1101]

Thanks 

I'm just really stuck. Not even sure how to tackle this. 

[Closed for repairs]

You don't tackle it, you just have to leave it alone.

Have a think about some of the active threads on here at the moment, 

What would you say to the person who keeps ringing the phone company to get evidence that they have or haven't cheated on their partner...?

What would you say to me about the fact that I have to take pictures of rooms I go out of to make sure, I haven't left any flammable rubbish behind...?

What would you say to any of the people on here, who keep wanting reassurance that they are no "bad people" hiding behind OCD...?

What would you say if you saw your exact post but it was someone else asking...?

 

[Gale1101]

I'm really not sure. 

I try to leave it alone but I can't stop thinking about it. 

I have done ERP before and that's how I have treated the thoughts related to my OCD and seemed to work. 

Not really sure this is the same. It's more like I'm so concerned about what other people may or may not think about me. 

It's like I am afraid that somehow people will know I have these intrusive thoughts and make judgements of me. 

I just can't imagine a life where people thought I was an awful person.

[Gale1101]

I mean here is the weird thing I see people on YouTube or on Instagram or publicly trying to raise aware of OCD and they share their thoughts and can go on and live their lives it seems without judgement. I don't know. Why am I so afraid. Part of me thinks that back when I did share the info it was because I was in a place.of no fear and OCD was doing well I was living good and didn't fear the judgement and where as now I'm in a bad spell of OCD and therefor fearing the judgement. 

[PolarBear]

You are overthinking this. Your mind chose this subject to generate obsessions about. It doesn't matter why. Forget why. The fact is, this is your current obsession and you need yo start dealing with it properly.

I did a YouTube video titled How to Stop Ruminating. Check it out. It's what you need.

[Gale1101]

Thank you I will watch it 

[dksea]

11 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

I try to leave it alone but I can't stop thinking about it. 

Unfortunately it takes some time for an intrusive thought not to be something you think about a lot.  Its kind of like a bad habit.  If you were to say, try and quit smoking, at first the urge to smoke and thoughts about wanting to smoke would hit you frequently.  Unpleasant yes, but ultimately you can choose not to give in, or at least choose to delay giving in at first (you don't have to be perfect in OCD recovery, you just need to keep trying to move forward).

You start by leaving it alone EVEN THOUGH it keeps popping up.  If it just went away right away, well you wouldn't have OCD.
 

11 hours ago, Gale1101 said:

Not really sure this is the same. It's more like I'm so concerned about what other people may or may not think about me. 

It's like I am afraid that somehow people will know I have these intrusive thoughts and make judgements of me. 

I just can't imagine a life where people thought I was an awful person.

Its certainly possible people will judge you poorly or even think you are an awful person.  You can't control what other people decide to think.  But its also 100% ok if people get the wrong idea about you. Its probably happened in your life already, you may not even know it.  Maybe someone thought you cut them off while driving (even if you didn't), that random person might think you are a jerk.  What they think and what you are are not the same though.  You need to let go of this unachievable desire to control what other people think, to have an untarnishable reputation.  Its an absolute demand coming from OCD.  Its impossible to achieve.  Trying to achieve it will keep you stuck forever.

Aside from the absolute black/white thinking of this, there's also the poor risk evaluation.  Consider that you are spending countless hours worrying about something you don't even have an idea has happened.  What if all this time not one single person who you mentioned your thoughts to are thinking about it?  What if currently, while you are worrying, they are just going about their lives.  The OCD is VASTLY exaggerating the risk of anything bad happening to begin with, and even IF someone got the wrong idea of you, its far far far far FAR from the end of the world.  Trust me, I've had people think I'm an awful person.  I like to believe they are wrong (though I've done things in my life I regret, we probably all have).  But guess what?  My life has gone on.  God willing it'll keep going on for some time.  During that time some people will like me, some won't.  Thats normal.  You can live with it, I promise.  If you couldn't you'd already be dead

[Never-ending]

On 15/01/2020 at 16:57, Gale1101 said:

I mean here is the weird thing I see people on YouTube or on Instagram or publicly trying to raise aware of OCD and they share their thoughts and can go on and live their lives it seems without judgement. I don't know. Why am I so afraid. Part of me thinks that back when I did share the info it was because I was in a place.of no fear and OCD was doing well I was living good and didn't fear the judgement and where as now I'm in a bad spell of OCD and therefor fearing the judgement. 

Hi, just reading what you’ve said I get the feeling that maybe it’s your own self-acceptance you’re struggling with that is making you focus on this so much. Like you said, when your ocd was better and you had no fear back when you told them, you must have been more accepting of yourself and therefore found talking about it ok and didn’t think about being judged. 
you’ve spelt it out for yourself that now you’re going through a bad time, you fear judgment from others and are in this cycle of worrying. I personally let what others think of me carry far too much weight, I shouldn’t care and if someone doesn’t like me and judges me (without actual real reason to as I know I’m not actually a bad person) then me caring about that comes from my own inability to as cliche as it is - love and accept myself. 
It has to come from you first, you’re uncomfortable and judging yourself for having ocd so you think everyone else is. Try and give yourself a break, remember it’s an illness and not your fault and doesn’t make you any less of a person. Do something nice for yourself. Hope this makes sense/helps a bit.