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I want to apologise beforehand to everyone who's reading this...

I am diagnosed with OCD. However, I struggle very much with believing that what I have  is indeed OCD. There was a period of two weeks or so when I would get real strong feelings and emotions towards my brother. I didn't want them. But they were there. And they were very much similar to the ones I have for my boyfriend...

One Saturday, about a month ago, I was helping him (my brother) to get ready for a walk in the park (with dad). And I kissed and hugged him (right now, as I'm typing this, it feels like I'm saying this only so you can think I'm a nice person... I'm sorry...). However, I think because of the strong and weird feelings the kiss was with bad intention. And this would mean I abused him...

I'm so sorry for this but as I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking about it, and how bad what happened is...

I really don't know what to do...
 

Edited by Cora
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6 hours ago, Cora said:

I want to apologise beforehand to everyone who's reading this...

I am diagnosed with OCD. However, I struggle very much with believing that what I have  is indeed OCD. There was a period of two weeks or so when I would get real strong feelings and emotions towards my brother. I didn't want them. But they were there. And they were very much similar to the ones I have for my boyfriend...

One Saturday, about a month ago, I was helping him (my brother) to get ready for a walk in the park (with dad). And I kissed and hugged him (right now, as I'm typing this, it feels like I'm saying this only so you can think I'm a nice person... I'm sorry...). However, I think because of the strong and weird feelings the kiss was with bad intention. And this would mean I abused him...

I'm so sorry for this but as I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking about it, and how bad what happened is...

I really don't know what to do...
 

Let it go. It might feel important. It isn't.

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But I can't let it go...
I'm sure that the kiss (on the cheek) was with bad intentions. It's not like it's a false memory. And I only started thinking about it 2 days ago. I think I tried to trick myself into believing that didn't happen... I'm so messed up...

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I feel very bad about this... I really don't know what to do... it's like all I want is to confess this to everyone... even the police...


My OCD, if it is OCD, is very weird. I get too many sensations in my body, and not even groinal responses, just sensations. And feelings too. Very real feelings. It's very different from how it all started. I feel like I need to be punished for every thing I've done, thought and felt. Especially for the fact that sometimes it feels like I can't control myself, and that I would act on my thoughts. Or would want to act on them. 

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It definitely sounds like OCD.  Non OCD sufferers would have kissed and hugged their brother, felt a rush of sibling love,embraced it and forgotten about it.  OCD won't allow you to do that,  It takes everything out of context and builds on it.  We all have feelings of love for siblings, our children, partners etc and we should not feel guilty about them.  They are natural so don't beat yourself up about it.  What happened was NOT bad, just normal.

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Thank you everyone for taking time to reply!

My concern is that what I felt in that moment was more like (sexual) attraction (I know, terrible!) than simple sibling love. And that I only kissed him as a response of that attraction.

I know there's nothing I can do now, and that posting here won't help but I feel like I have to confess this.

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9 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you everyone for taking time to reply!

My concern is that what I felt in that moment was more like (sexual) attraction (I know, terrible!) than simple sibling love. And that I only kissed him as a response of that attraction.

I know there's nothing I can do now, and that posting here won't help but I feel like I have to confess this.

Why if you have sexual feelings for your brother, do you have the desperate need to confess it? The majority of people with the same notion would tend to keep it quiet, let alone on an OCD forum. There might actually be a clue there. Use it. 

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Hi Cora

This sounds like OCD to me too. 

It sounds like you are subconsciously looking for evidence that the thought of you having 'bad intentions' is true. 

Could you try making a list of all of the evidence that you did not have bad intentions? 

At the top of that list, you could write down the fact that this thought is clearly causing you distress. The fact that it is causing you distress indicates that these thoughts aren't really you. 

Once you have made this list, you could try reading through it and ask yourself what it tells you about your thoughts. 

OCD is very clever, it thrives off the fear that something bad will happen to the things that mean the most to you. In your case, you fear that you have abused your brother. Fearing that you have/will harm one of your loved ones or is a common symptom of OCD. 

You have been diagnosed with OCD and based on this obsession alone and your compulsion to 'confess' these thoughts, it sounds like OCD is something that you are struggling with. 

I know that it's easier said than done and I know it better than most people, believe me but I think that the saying 'Rule your mind or it will rule you' applies here. 

You can choose to feed these thoughts and feed the waves of anxiety that accompany them or you can choose to feed the part of you that knows deep down that this is OCD. 

Only when you have accepted your diagnosis can you do something about it. 

Take care and show your OCD who is boss. 

HandWasher

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Hi Cora,

I know it is hard to believe but the feelings you have are just OCD and nothing more. OCD is very convincing, it makes you believe that what you're feeling is real. If it didn't, none of us would be suffering as much as we do. The first step for you is to really try to accept that your problems are really just OCD, you have to work on this. Stay strong, you will get better!

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On 12/01/2020 at 00:24, Cora said:

My concern is that what I felt in that moment was more like (sexual) attraction (I know, terrible!) than simple sibling love. And that I only kissed him as a response of that attraction.

This is your worry, your "what if".  I've been there before, I understand how scary this feels.  How "real" it can seem.

One thing we struggle with as OCD sufferers is understanding the difference between having a thought ABOUT something and a desire TO DO something.  Having a thought about something does not mean you want to do that thing.  In my case the intrusive thought was about having sex with my grandmother.  The thought popped in to my head, for who knows what reason, that's really not important, and I suddenly felt extreme guilt and discomfort.  BTW, the feeling of distress and discomfort is often a good indicator that OCD is at play.

The general OCD sufferer flow is something like this:

1. Have a thought about topic A
2. Feel uncomfortable/anxious/distressed about the idea of topic A
3. Think "why would I think about topic A if I didn't want/like topic A", 
4. I felt bad about topic A, that must mean I feel guilt about topic A, that must mean deep down I want topic A to be true, therefore I am a bad/guilty person

There is an illogical leap in there of going from having a thought about topic A and wanting topic A.  That was never established, there is no reason to believe its true (simply having the thought doesn't mean you WANT the thought, people have unwanted thoughts all the time), and plenty to believe its not, chiefly the anxiety you feel.""

Further, once we have an intrusive thought, we tend to filter everything we do through that lens.  You are worried about your thoughts towards your brother so now you are hypersensitive to every interaction you have with him.  You therefore aren't getting an accurate and impartial observation of your interactions, just the one twisted by OCD.
 

On 12/01/2020 at 00:24, Cora said:

I know there's nothing I can do now, and that posting here won't help but I feel like I have to confess this.

Setting all that aside, even assuming your thoughts were true, that still doesn't mean you have to confess anything.  I don't confess every time I'm attracted to someone.  "Yeah, well this is different" you say,  "This is my brother! Thats wrong!"

Maybe if you planned on dating and marrying your brother you might have a problem, but even if you were somehow attracted to him, so what?  You can still choose how you live.  You are no more compelled to do something inappropriate with your brother than I am with any girl I meet.  Confession doesn't solve your worry, it doesn't change your situation.  It only reinforces in your brain that this meaningless thought is somehow important and therefore you should worry about it more.  It makes things worse.  Avoid compulsions as much as possible.  Thats the way to recovery.

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Thank you very much for all your replies. I really appreciate it.

I don't even know what to say. I'm very confused because everything seems very real. My body (and my mind too) responds strongly to my thoughts. I even had inappropriate thoughts that were my own. And I agreed with them... All this has gone way too far...
 
And the fact that the kiss I gave my brother was inappropriate makes me feel so guilty. And I am guilty. I don't know what to do. I just want to die. Or disappear. 

I'm sorry for this text. It makes no sense.

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm very confused because everything seems very real. My body (and my mind too) responds strongly to my thoughts. I even had inappropriate thoughts that were my own. And I agreed with them... All this has gone way too far...


Its understandable to be confused, OCD is a frustrating and confusing disorder to us.  

As for the thoughts being "real" or "your own", yes its true you had these thoughts, but that doesn't MEAN they matter.  You either have a thought or you don't.  There is no such thing as a fake thought.  But having a thought and wanting a thing are entirely different.  And even wanting a thing and doing something about it are different.  Lets try an experiment, don't worry its nothing serious, just follow along with what I'm saying here.

I want you to imagine being a t-rex and eating your neighbors.

Ok guess what, you just had a thought about being a t-rex and eating your neighbors.  Even if you didn't stop to actually imagine it, just be reading the sentence above and understanding the meaning you had a REAL thought about it.  Thats how thinking works.  In order to understand something you have to have a REAL thought about it.  But having that thought doesn't change anything.  It doesn't mean you ARE a t-rex.  it doesn't mean you WANT to eat your neighbors.  And even if you did, for some reason, WANT to eat your neighbors it doesn't mean you HAVE to or are going to.  A thought is just a thought.  And even if we really really want something (like say I want a million dollars), it doesn't mean you are compelled to do anything about it (I am not for example, going to rob the first bank I walk past today, no matter how much I would really like that million dollars).

You are not the first person to have intrusive thoughts about a family member.  I can guarantee it, because I've had them too, and there's other threads on this very forum where people are struggling or have struggled with the same thing.  As scary as it feels, as "real" as it feels, its all just OCD.  You had an initial thought, unfortunately at that time you were vulnerable to OCD, and so that thought became stuck.  Its merely bad timing.  If you had been five minutes delayed from whatever you were doing the intrusive thought could have been about literally anything else.  Unfortunately once you had the intrusive thought and OCD caused it to become stuck, your anxiety started spiraling.  Suddenly that thought became "important" to your brain and now it dominates a lot of your thinking.  Its pure bad luck.  It doesn't mean anything.  You need to trust us when we tell you that EVEN THOUGH you feel anxiety that makes it seem, to you, that it DOES matter.  We are telling you it doesn't and you need to trust us.  

I want you to try another thought experiment with me, different this time.

Imagine, for some reason, you can't see right now.  Maybe you had eye surgery and are wearing a bandage.  Maybe you are blind.  Maybe you are wearing a sleep mask and you can't get it off.  Whatever.  For the moment you can't see.  Suddenly you hear the smoke alarm in your house go off. "Oh no, a fire!" you worry.  You can't see a fire obviously but the alarm must mean something right?  "Don't worry," I call from the other room, "I just burned some toast."  You can smell the smoke, you can hear the alarm, it must be a fire you think.  But you can't see it, and I've told you its ok.  You need to trust me, because I have a better, clearer view of the situation.  Even though you THINK there is reason to panic, I'm telling you there isn't, that the information you are using is incomplete and mistaken.  The same is true of OCD.  Right now you are a bit blinded because of it.  You THINK you have evidence, but what you are seeing/feeling/hearing, etc. is either incomplete or inaccurate.  You need to trust those of us who have a better vantage point, who are telling you its a false alarm, because that's exactly what it is.  

Of course it "feels real", you are feeling anxiety and you are having intrusive thoughts, but feeling anxiety doesn't mean the risk is real.  You can feel anxiety and be perfectly safe (think scary movie or amusement park ride).  We, as people, often think of anxiety as a shorthand for danger, but its quite often not.  Try to trust us when we tell you that is the case now too.
What you are experiencing sucks, absolutely.  Its beyond frustrating.  We can all sympathize because we have all been there in one way or another.  But the solution is not to give in to the fear not to believe the lies.  The solution is to trust us, to act as if these thoughts don't matter, because they don't, even though they scare you.  You can overcome this.  Its not fun, but its absolutely doable.  Hang in there.

 

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