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Jumbo

Not gone outside since October

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Hi guys,

I'm due a visit to my Doctors tomorrow morning and as you can imagine, I'm quite nervous.

I've got a couple of dubious looking spots on my chest that need checking out & I need to get a sick note too. 

As I stated in the title of the thread, I haven't been outside since October and the thought of leaving my flat is filling me with dread!

I know I will not sleep tonight because of this.

Any wise or comforting words from any of you would be greatly appreciated :)

Thanks for reading

Jumbo

Edited by Jumbo

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39 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Why haven't you been outside for that long?

Hi polar,

3 months ago I saw a syringe wrapper near my home. Seeing it scared the **** out of me as I'm terrified of blood bourne diseases.

Since then I've not had the courage to outside. 

 

16 minutes ago, daja said:

You’ll get cabin fever if you stay in too much!

Hi Daja,

I'm wayyyy past cabin fever now mate.

Jumbo

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25 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You need to get mad, Jumbo. Mad at OCD and what it's done to you.

Oh I do get mad, very mad indeed... 

I hate this OCD with a passion!

Such a useless waste of my time and energy.

Every second of the day it nags away at me with all those tedious "what ifs?" 

It just won't leave me alone...

The sad thing is, one of my main worries about catching a blood disease was the potential socal isolation that it would cause.

The irony of my situation isn't lost on me.

******* OCD!

If it were a person I would burn its ******* house down while it slept!

Then i would **** on its ashes ;)

 

 

Edited by Jumbo

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Alright, great, you're mad. Now what are you going to do about it? Getting mad is half the equation. Now you have to do something about it.

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Things didn't go well today....

I had 2 seperate instances were I though I might have stepped on a needle.

The first was near my house at the exact same spot i saw the syringe wrapper 4 months ago. As I was waking, I felt something underfoot. I tried to ignore it and carried on walking. However, a couple of mins later I stopped and examined the sole of my boot.

It looked like something a few inches long and white was lodged in the treas of the sole. I immediately started to worry that it might have been a syringe!

I tried to stay calm and decided I would check it out more thoroughly when I got to the doctors.

A few mins later when I got to the doctors I removed my boot, had a look, saw nothing and tried to again to forget about it....

Then came the second instance...

After leaving the doctors I was walking down the road leading to my street.

As I was walking I noticed a dirtly looking spoon by the kerbside. I stopped and began to panic and at this point my feet started to hurt...

Again, I was worried I had stood on a syringe or a needle!

When I checked the floor I did see what looked like a rusty sewing pin laying near my foot (and lots of broken glass from a vodka bottle)

I'm trying to be cool about all of this as I was wearing safety boots. My doctor reckons there is no way a needle could penetrate me while wearing them...

But still I'm worried!

 

 

Edited by Jumbo

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The boots I was wearing are the same as the ones in my profile picture.

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Great for getting out today.

Can you pick out all the compulsions you needlessly did on your walk? Including talking to your doctor about it.

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Hi Jumbo,

Amazing work today! That's great that you got to the doctors and that you are attempting to challenge your thoughts and to carry on despite them. 

I definitely empathise with the feeling of terror and of being surrounded by danger- OCD is a d**k! 

Do you have any other appointments or things booked for the near future? Do you drive at all? I haven't taken driving lessons but if I could drive and was stuck as you are I would potentially drive to the countryside initially so that I could face being outside and then work my way up to walking in the town/city after that. 

Edited by BelAnna

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2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Great for getting out today.

Can you pick out all the compulsions you needlessly did on your walk? Including talking to your doctor about it.

Hi Polar,

I'm sure to everyone else this looks like a case of OCD playing its game. But to me, right now I just can't help but worry I have stood on a needle today...

That white thing on the sole of my boot has really rattled me because it was so close to where I saw that wrapper all those months ago. Because of that I sadly I feel all the compulsions were justified. What do you suggest to help me get over this, any tips?

Many thanks 

Jumbo

 

 

 

Edited by Jumbo

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2 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Hi Jumbo,

Amazing work today! That's great that you got to the doctors and that you are attempting to challenge your thoughts and to carry on despite them. 

I definitely empathise with the feeling of terror and of being surrounded by danger- OCD is a d**k! 

Do you have any other appointments or things booked for the near future? Do you drive at all? I haven't taken driving lessons but if I could drive and was stuck as you are I would potentially drive to the countryside initially so that I could face being outside and then work my way up to walking in the town/city after that. 

Hi BelAnna,

Thanks for the kind words.

I have to go back the Doctors in 2 weeks time, till then I'm going to back into exile :)

Great idea about the countryside! Unfortunately I don't drive, but a trip out of the city would be wonderful! Maybe one day when I feel better I will be able to jump on a train and enjoy the fresh country air.

Thanks for the reply

Jumbo 

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4 hours ago, Jumbo said:

Hi Polar,

I'm sure to everyone else this looks like a case of OCD playing its game. But to me, right now I just can't help but worry I have stood on a needle today...

That white thing on the sole of my boot has really rattled me because it was so close to where I saw that wrapper all those months ago. Because of that I sadly I feel all the compulsions were justified. What do you suggest to help me get over this, any tips?

Many thanks 

Jumbo

 

 

 

None of your compulsions were justified. Not one.

We've been telling you what to do for quite some time now. What you need to do is start doing the work.

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5 hours ago, Jumbo said:

I'm sure to everyone else this looks like a case of OCD playing its game. But to me, right now I just can't help but worry I have stood on a needle today...

You feel fear, and that is unpleasant and difficult at times, but so do all OCD sufferers.  The fact that you feel fear doesn't change anything, its still OCD and you CAN help but worry.  You CAN choose to start responding to these thoughts differently.  You CAN avoid compulsions that reinforce the fear you feel.

You live in Hull, I just looked it up, the population there is over 260,000.  All those people walking around the city, probably more because of people who commute in from the surrounding areas.  How many of them do you think accidentally step on needles?  How many of them do you think get blood borne illness from accidentally stepping on needles?  You are allowing a remote possibility to ruin your life.  At the end of it all, maybe you will have reduced your odds of accidentally stepping on a needle AND accidentally getting a blood born illness from it from say 0.00000000002% to 0.000000000019% (and that's probably being generous).  At what cost?  Of having wasted the rest of your life worrying and never going out until you were forced to?  

You are not helpless here.  You have choices you can make and actions you can take.  You didn't ask for OCD, you don't deserve to have OCD, and it sucks to have OCD.  But you have options.  You aren't helpless here.

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Well done for going, you knew it wasn't going to be easy but you did it any way.

By the time you go next and you haven't dropped dead from a blood problem, hopefully it will be easier.

How's it going with the phobia charity,  it sounds to me like you could start doing gentle ERP work.

 

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I mean honestly I thought we would see a post from you explaining why you couldn't go,

So you have shown me!

And shown the OCD!

By the way I agree with your Doc, I have to have safety boots for work, and would be pretty confident in the ones you have!

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14 hours ago, PolarBear said:

None of your compulsions were justified. Not one.

We've been telling you what to do for quite some time now. What you need to do is start doing the work.

Hi Polar,

I wished I could tell myself that all of this is just OCD... and believe it. It feels the more work I put in the more I end up going backwards. Maybe my definition of what the work is must be wrong or I'm just not doing it right. Now I have a CBT therapist to talk to once a week maybe I can get a better idea. Right now I simply cannot see what is OCD and what isn't. OCD blinds you I guess.

Anyway, thanks again for the support my friend.

Jumbo

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13 hours ago, dksea said:

You live in Hull, I just looked it up, the population there is over 260,000.

Hi Dksea,

And over 100,000 are smackheads!

Only kidding buddy...

You are totally correct in what you said in your reply, but as you well know its difficult for us OCD'ers to seperate whats OCD and what's not. Sometimes I need a little reassurance, even though I know its wrong.

13 hours ago, dksea said:

At what cost?  Of having wasted the rest of your life worrying and never going out until you were forced to?  

Sadly I'm all too aware of this. You  would think the realisation of it would be enough of a motivation to change things. It's a shame it doesn't my friend.

On a more positive note, I've just started OCD & ERP online. Hopefully it will help me figure all this out how to process my thoughts better. Fingers crossed!

Thanks again for all your help and advice

Jumbo

Edited by Jumbo

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Hi @Closed for repairs

Yeah mate, given the chance I would have stayed at home. But this time there was no way I could wriggle out of it and had to just suck it up!

A Shame really as apart from those 2 "incidents" I actually enjoyed being outside. I've realised hiding away for 3 months hasn't helped me in any way and all the things I fear are still out there (and always will be.) I've just got to figure out how to deal with that knowledge.

Maybe this new CBT will help.

I've just had my second Skype session earlier today and...  so far so good. The ERP exercises are tough but quite achievable and it's nice to feel like there is perhaps a little hope after all.

1 hour ago, Closed for repairs said:

By the way I agree with your Doc, I have to have safety boots for work, and would be pretty confident in the ones you have!

Dickies Redland 2's mate! Bought from Screwfix direct. Not the first retailer that springs to mind when buying casual footwear Lol 

Jumbo

 

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Jumbo, ALL of the incidents where you think you got stuck with a needle are fake. All of them.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Jumbo, ALL of the incidents where you think you got stuck with a needle are fake. All of them.

Hey Polar,

One day, soon, I will be able to look at all this and see it for what it is... OCD playing its game again.

Your support and help is much appreciated.

Many thanks

Jumbo

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Hey Jumbo, I'm going through it right now so I'm not sure how much help I actually am - but, just wanted to let you know you're not alone with the needle stab worry. I had it too for a brief amount of time, but I was able to work through it.

Best wishes to you!

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15 minutes ago, californiadreaming said:

Hey Jumbo, I'm going through it right now so I'm not sure how much help I actually am - but, just wanted to let you know you're not alone with the needle stab worry. I had it too for a brief amount of time, but I was able to work through it.

Best wishes to you!

Hey @californiadreaming

Thank you for taking the time to give me your best wishes, you are very kind!

I know from your threads that you are having an horrific time at the moment and my heart goes out to you. It's truly awful how much having OCD robs us of our lives... and our attention.

How did you manage to get over the stab worries? It must have taken a great deal of courage. Is there any way you could apply what you did to help combat the distress you are feeling now?

Jumbo

 

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