californiadreaming Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I did/do. It doesn’t matter what kind of OCD you have - it’s all the same. so sorry you’re struggling right now, Nikki. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 10 minutes ago, californiadreaming said: I did/do. It doesn’t matter what kind of OCD you have - it’s all the same. so sorry you’re struggling right now, Nikki. Thanks Mate. I feel I want to be commited somewhere and end this nightmare I am living. I have been having suicidal thoughts, not cos I want to die but cos I don’t want to live with this agony. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Well, when are you going to start doing something about it? Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, PolarBear said: Well, when are you going to start doing something about it? PB I still can’t bare what my mind is telling me I may have done. I just can’t bare it. What do you know about false memory ocd PB? Edited January 18, 2020 by Nikki79 Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 @Polarbear I’m constantly ruminating and I just keep having more and more ‘familiar’ thoughts that scare me about what I feel or I’m scared of happened. When I say familiar it’s like something about my worry that feels may have happened. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Nikki, we have given you all the information you need right now. You don't need any more information about your OCD theme. We've told you what you need to start doing. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 1 minute ago, PolarBear said: Nikki, we have given you all the information you need right now. You don't need any more information about your OCD theme. We've told you what you need to start doing. I can’t live with thinking I don’t know what happened. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Well, Nikki, you will have to. Because I guarantee you that you will not find the answer you seek by ruminating more. You won't. Not once, not ever, has anyone come on this forum and said ruminating led to an answer and they ferl so much better. It just doesn't happen. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 19, 2020 Author Share Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) How do they feel good about themselves then? Cos currently I hate myself over this. Edited January 19, 2020 by Nikki79 Link to comment
PinkPrincess1981 Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Nikki79 said: How do they feel good about themselves then? Cos currently I hate myself over this. By following the advice you've been given on here time and time again. There's no point coming on here constantly asking for advice if you're not prepared to follow the advice you've been given. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 9 hours ago, Nikki79 said: How do they feel good about themselves then? Cos currently I hate myself over this. You do compulsions and you hate yourself. Think about that. Does it make any sense that doing more compulsions will make you feel better about yourself? Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 19, 2020 Author Share Posted January 19, 2020 48 minutes ago, PolarBear said: You do compulsions and you hate yourself. Think about that. Does it make any sense that doing more compulsions will make you feel better about yourself? Oh no I will always be the loser I know that for at least 30 years. So I go to my Therapist tomorrow and I’m wondering what I should say to him? Link to comment
Caramoole Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 3 minutes ago, Nikki79 said: So I go to my Therapist tomorrow and I’m wondering what I should say to him? "I didn't take your advice because it made me feel anxious" "I thought it best to keep doing it the old way because I'm hoping if I do I'll suddenly remember and then it will stop" I'm not being rotten Nikki but this is in effect what we do when we turn to compulsions out of fear. Just be honest with him, it's his job to try and find ways to help you with this but ultimately the real job has to come from you. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 19, 2020 Author Share Posted January 19, 2020 30 minutes ago, Caramoole said: "I didn't take your advice because it made me feel anxious" "I thought it best to keep doing it the old way because I'm hoping if I do I'll suddenly remember and then it will stop" I'm not being rotten Nikki but this is in effect what we do when we turn to compulsions out of fear. Just be honest with him, it's his job to try and find ways to help you with this but ultimately the real job has to come from you. Last week he told me to challenge myself and we never spoke about compulsions. Link to comment
dksea Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 On 19/01/2020 at 08:26, Nikki79 said: I can’t live with thinking I don’t know what happened. I know you feel this way, but the thing is you already do, you have lived with not knowing what happens, we all do it. People do not have perfect memory recall, we are not computers. We forget stuff ALL the time. We think we remember stuff perfectly clearly, but in reality its often different than what REALLY happened. You see this all the time, people will describe the same event differently, and neither of them are lying, they are telling their "truth". Memory is messy, it always has been, it always will be. And humanity has survived for thousands of years that way. You have lived your ENTIRE life with a messy, imperfect memory. You don't NEED to know, OCD just makes you think you do. Its a lie. 15 hours ago, Nikki79 said: How do they feel good about themselves then? Cos currently I hate myself over this. You choose to not hate yourself. You choose to accept that not remembering doesn't make you a monster. You choose to accept that the reason you feel awful about this is because of a disease called OCD. You accept that you will feel anxiety and distress, but that feeling bad doesn't mean you ARE bad. You start separating the emotions you are feeling with the value you as an individual have. It makes no more sense for you to believe you are a monster because of this than it makes sense for me to believe I am a monster because I sometimes have trouble breathing due to my asthma. There is no connection to your self worth and decency as a person because of these intrusive thoughts and distress. None. You have to choose to start living your life as if that's true (because it is) until you believe it. Fake it til you make it. Link to comment
paradoxer Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, dksea said: Fake it til you make it. That adage, not so easy but one to aspire to 'live as if you didn't have OCD'. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 So I went to the Therapist and I told him what was going on for me. He said that I’m to do imaginary exposures and I also told him my current worry and he said for now you need to take one step at a time and just concentrate on what he told me to do. I’m to deliberately to bring the fears to mind and do the exposures and he wasn’t interested in what I am afraid of currently or my fears. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 2 hours ago, PolarBear said: Sounds great. Really? I’m scared beyond belief and feel very unsupported by my family to Ben honest. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 I feel I may need to explore having a second opinion as my Father was with me in Therapy today and he felt perhaps the Therapist’s words were rambling a little and not having much weight with me. The Therapist feels I may need to see a Psychiatrist for a different medication to help me. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Well, Nicky, we've been telling you what you need to do for weeks and it hasn't sunk in. Now whose problem is that? Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Well maybe I’m depressed and it’s not that easy, I don’t choose to be like this. Days, weeks, months... I don’t even see them anymore... Edited January 20, 2020 by Nikki79 Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Oh I know, Nikki, but you do resist what you are being told. You never know. A new med might help. Link to comment
Nikki79 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 I agree with you but perhaps I’m just not in that place. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I here ya. But I'm not sure how you get to that place without trying, repeatedly. You did do it once before. Link to comment
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