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Misdiagnosed with OCD


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In 2007 when this started I thought there was a good chance I had ocd about being gay.  I got therapy on skype from Steven Phillipson.  He said I had ocd.  I never fully believed him tbh.  I had therapy for 1 year almost weekly.  Now I feel sure it was a misdiagnosis and its left me feeling utterly hopeless.

Today I am as low as I have been in years. I think its slowly dawning on me that this is reality and not an ocd invention of my imagination.   My symptoms have changed and evolved and I am reacting in new and ever arousing ways to men.

This whole thing started because of erection problems and my sex drive being rock bottom in 2006-2007.  It never crossed my mind being gay was the cause as I had aways masturbated only about girls in my teens and early 20's. 

Anyway I dont get intrusive thoughts, I get intrusive groinal responses constantly every day. I also masturbate about men as a form of checking my arousal and hoping I dont get aroused. I would also masturbate about women to make sure I can still be aroused by thoughts of them.

In the last year or two the thoughts of women are not very arousing but the thoughts of men have gone from not very arousing to quite arousing.  In the last few days I got arousal like I havent done in ages and they were to fantasies of men. Also when I see men on tv I get groinals but its like an uncomfortable tightness in my perineum.  Today that changed.  I was sitting behind a guy today who is gay and I just glanced at him and I got this arousal tingling in my testicles and penis. It was 100% arousal.  I couldn't keep looking because it would be obvious but this is the 1st time in my life it was definitely arousal looking at a guy.  My heart literally sank in my chest as this happned. I feel so so depressed.  I seriously just want to disappear and never speak to anyone again.

My sex drive for women has plummeted.  I have an on-off girlfriend who I just want to avoid as I dont feel I am genuinely straight and I have struggled to get aroused the last time I met her.

I honestly dont know what to do.  I feel stuck in limbo.  Being gay makes me feel utterly depressed and unhappy. Yet I feel like I am now definitely gay and there's nothing I can do about it. Keeping hoping its ocd gives me that lifeline of hope that keeps me going but I really do wonder if its causing me more harm to keep believing its ocd because its making me not face reality. 

I don;t even know why I post on ocd boards anymore.  I did join Empty Closets years back and posted there for a while asking questions but it was too scary and made me very anxious.

Nothing works for me.  Its like I have a horror film playing in my head 24/7.  People saying you dont have to do anything about being gay  is not helping because even if I never go near a guy I still have these scary groinals every day making me want to just crawl up in a ball and hide under a duvet from the world.  I dont want them.

I seriously worry for myself down the road.  I can see things ending badly for me.

 

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Years.

Years you have been doing this. Coming here sporadically, telling us the same things, trlling us you don't have OCD. And you never listen to us. You argue.

How's that working for you? 

Keep doing the same old thing and you are doomed to continue suffering.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Years.

Years you have been doing this. Coming here sporadically, telling us the same things, trlling us you don't have OCD. And you never listen to us. You argue.

How's that working for you? 

Keep doing the same old thing and you are doomed to continue suffering.

Whilst I agree that we are not to help people give in to their compulsions, I do think the tone is a little harsh, in my opinion. 

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2 hours ago, OnlyAlex said:

Whilst I agree that we are not to help people give in to their compulsions, I do think the tone is a little harsh, in my opinion. 

Sometimes the truth hurts, Alex. I am blunt but entirely truthful.

This particular person has been coming here for more than five years. Every time, it's the same thing. The same posts, over and over again. 

He, like a few others here, does not listen. He has received loads of patient advice but dismissed it all. He does argue with us, always with an emphasis on explaining why he doesn't have OCD. 

While coming here, to an OCD forum, to argue he doesn't have homosexual OCD, he frequents other forums where the users try to convince him he is gay. We have repeatedly told him that is not helping him.

Dozens of hours of assistance have been given to this user, in the hopes he would change his ways. 

There is a limit to how far we will go to help. Dave looks for reassurance repeatedly, but in 5+ years has done nothing to help himself. He refuses to listen to us, yet comes back time and time again to do it all over again.

I am not being mean. I am bring truthful. Painfully truthful.

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2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Sometimes the truth hurts, Alex. I am blunt but entirely truthful.

This particular person has been coming here for more than five years. Every time, it's the same thing. The same posts, over and over again. 

He, like a few others here, does not listen. He has received loads of patient advice but dismissed it all. He does argue with us, always with an emphasis on explaining why he doesn't have OCD. 

While coming here, to an OCD forum, to argue he doesn't have homosexual OCD, he frequents other forums where the users try to convince him he is gay. We have repeatedly told him that is not helping him.

Dozens of hours of assistance have been given to this user, in the hopes he would change his ways. 

There is a limit to how far we will go to help. Dave looks for reassurance repeatedly, but in 5+ years has done nothing to help himself. He refuses to listen to us, yet comes back time and time again to do it all over again.

I am not being mean. I am bring truthful. Painfully truthful.

I understand your point, I don't know the situation but if that's the case I would just give up even commenting or trying to assist the user.

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I hear ya, Alex and I agree. Except not replying at all opens the door for domeone new to begin engaging, offering reassurance and getting drawn into a hopeless situation and it all continues on.

I profess I don't know what the perfect solution is.

Edited by PolarBear
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16 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I get intrusive groinal responses constantly every day.

You do realize that that's not how gay people react right?  its not how straight people react either?  Like, I am not constantly being aroused at the sight of each and every girl around me, or the thought of each and every girl around me.  That would be extremely unusual for a gay or straight person.  You know who it would NOT be unusual for?  Someone who has intrusive worries about their sexuality.  That kind of person would constantly be thinking about the topic, and thus, very likely to constantly be experiencing or THINKING they are experiencing "groinal responses".
 

16 hours ago, Dave321 said:

People saying you dont have to do anything about being gay  is not helping because even if I never go near a guy I still have these scary groinals every day making me want to just crawl up in a ball and hide under a duvet from the world.  I dont want them.

Again, this is not a thing that happens for people if they happen to be gay and not straight, straight and not gay, bi, or basically whatever orientation.  Its the kind of thing that happens when you have an anxiety disorder focused on sexuality.  It could possibly also be some kind of sexual dysfunction disorder I suppose, though I don't really have any experience in that area.  But its not a sign of being gay, straight, or anything in between.  Its either a psychological problem like OCD, or some kind of physiological medical disorder.  I'd lean towards the former, but the latter might be possible too.  Either way you really could benefit from professional medical help no matter what your issue is (or issues are, I suppose it could be a combination of things).  But again, I do not believe its related to you secretly being gay.  I doubt you'll believe me sadly.  But the reasoning you give just doesn't add up to the conclusion you have reached.
 

17 hours ago, Dave321 said:

Being gay makes me feel utterly depressed and unhappy. Yet I feel like I am now definitely gay and there's nothing I can do about it.

Again, I'm probably wasting effort here, but this kind of responses is very atypical for someone who is gay (unless perhaps they have been raised in a culture/environment that is SEVERELY anti-gay, and not even then), but completely typical for someone with an anxiety disorder like OCD.  Your evidence just doesn't add up.

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5 hours ago, paradoxer said:

'Tough love' - better than none at all. 

I agree. I know I am probably one of the people mentioned that 'doesn't listen'. It's hard to explain but, blunt is good, and just having it pointed back out is good. Like a hammer hitting a block of ice while your mind is frozen inside. It might seem like your hitting isn't doing anything, but I do believe that each hit gets what you're saying closer to the 'frozen' mind. Yes, some people have thicker blocks of ice than others, and others may have a tendency to ice back over from time to time. But I think its still beneficial to tunnel in there. I know for me its like my brain is finally getting what it needs to do, and im starting to make changes. Hard yes. Have I been told the same things over and over? Yes.

I don't know, its hard to explain. Just hoping to let those of you that offer support on here consistently @PolarBear @dksea @paradoxer (That i've spoken to personally) and feel like you arent getting anywhere with some people, know you still are, even a little. Try not to get too discouraged.

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6 hours ago, Hosscat said:

I agree. I know I am probably one of the people mentioned that 'doesn't listen'. It's hard to explain but, blunt is good, and just having it pointed back out is good. Like a hammer hitting a block of ice while your mind is frozen inside. It might seem like your hitting isn't doing anything, but I do believe that each hit gets what you're saying closer to the 'frozen' mind. Yes, some people have thicker blocks of ice than others, and others may have a tendency to ice back over from time to time. But I think its still beneficial to tunnel in there. I know for me its like my brain is finally getting what it needs to do, and im starting to make changes. Hard yes. Have I been told the same things over and over? Yes.

I don't know, its hard to explain. Just hoping to let those of you that offer support on here consistently @PolarBear @dksea @paradoxer (That i've spoken to personally) and feel like you arent getting anywhere with some people, know you still are, even a little. Try not to get too discouraged.

:clapping:... and thanks!

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On 16/01/2020 at 09:29, OnlyAlex said:

Whilst I agree that we are not to help people give in to their compulsions, I do think the tone is a little harsh, in my opinion. 

He posts the same thing on other forums too. It’s tiring.

This forum requires users keep one topic & update it so we can follow what advice they have been told already. 

 

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