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OCD contamination- when the harm is real? PLEASE HELP


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This is so embarrassing to talk about.  
 

Never written on a forum before however I am reaching the point where I will have to go to A&E as I just cannot function anymore. I have extreme contamination ocd and have recently come off my antidepressants after 6 years too quickly, leaving me with horrendous withdrawal. I feel as though I have lost my ability to see ANY logic or reassign and terror is at an all time high. I have no tolerance for letting go of thoughts or letting things be. My bedroom, my only safe space, is no longer safe. I had an incident,  washing my hair over the bath, I felt my stomach turn and knew I needed to go so hurriedly finished washing my hair, went to my bedroom to get a clean tshirt to dry my hair with, got out my clothes for after the shower and ran to the toilet. 
sitting on the toilet with wet hair was bad enough, but I had an upset stomach and it tipped me over the edge, there was a speck of brown on the paper I used to check my underwear. I cannot cope. This happened last night. 
there was a mark on my trousers but when I tried to wipe it nothing was coming off it was stained, but I’m convinced I didn’t make it in time to the toilet. However when wiping underwear with antibacterial wipe nothing was there?
I now believe that everything from my bedroom floor, the drawers I opened to get my clothes and all clothes inside the drawers are ruined as I had wet hands from washing my hair (this is before actually going to the toilet). But I was desperate and therefore convinced that I’ve spread this and contaminated my floor, all belongings, the walls my door etc

my mum can’t cope anymore and she flipped last night, the fear is so real it reduces you to that of a child and she was about to have me committed. Because of this, I could not carry out any cleaning to fix the problem. I had to stay in the trousers for hours talking to her, I sat on my bedroom carpet, I eventually showered but I would have wiped with antibacterial wipes down my legs just in case but couldn’t because of the huge argument with my mum. 
so now the shower, sinks etc too feel contaminated with excrement splashes/spreading. 
I of course think my hair is contaminated as it was wet throughout all of this but I wasn’t allowed to re-wash it so I had to get into bed like this. I haven’t cleaned today either as I don’t even know where to start anymore. 
I am trying to stay calm bevause I am making myself so sick but I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday, I can’t move, I can’t tolerate being in my room I feel like I have nowhere safe anymore and all my belongings are destroyed- no cleaning will help anymore.

i struggle so much to use the washing machine and dryer that it isn’t easy to just wash bedding and clothes anyway.

i noticed a speck on my sheets last night, picked it up thinking it was fluff but it was a tiny dot of brown and now I’m convinced it’s excrement and I don’t know how. 
it’s so humiliating and has reduced me to feeling suicidal bevause nothing will be ‘fixed’ anymore. Please somebody help me!!

how to you deal with real life situations such as if one is ill and has an accident toilet related? I don’t know how to correctly do anything anymore or respond normally to situations. 
When I try to calm, my head says there is toilet germs over everything and every human knows that’s not ok. I am almost self harming by staying in these sheets right now bevause I can’t even move and my mum is on the verge of a heart attack with the stress I cause. 
I just need help please someone

Edited by Never-ending
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Hi Never-ending,

You're among friends here who know how hard it is living with OCD, so please don't feel embarrassed.

The important thing is you've reached out and we're all here to help you.

I don't want to bombard you with loads of questions about what sort of help you've had in the past, we can chat about that and other stuff in the days to come.... for now I think the most important thing to remember is you can get through this. I know you're feeling scared and lost tonight, but slowly you will feel okay again. I promise you.

For tonight though, do you feel you'll be okay or do you think you do need a bit more support from the hospital.

It's important to be honest with yourself, alI I want is for you to be safe.

Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you...we can talk more about how to deal with the thoughts whenever you'd like, but maybe it would be better for now to try to help you get the anxiety down. When I'm feeling anxious I struggle to eat anything too, but I try to make myself eat a biscuit or a packet of crisps...if you could, it really will help take some of the edge off the anxiety. 

But the main cause for the increased anxiety sounds like the antidepressant withdrawal...I really think you need to have a word with your GP or the therapist who prescribed them to you for their thoughts on whether to possibly go back on them again and then taper them off at a later date. Can you or maybe your mum give them a call later today?

I need to log-off for tonight, but the community here is second to none, and always on the ball with their advice.

Take care.

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It definitely sounds like you are having withdrawal symptoms. You should only go off an SSRI very slowly and only under a doctor's supervision.

First and foremost, you need to get your anxiety taken care of. Do you have a nurse line you can call and ask what to do? Other than that, you made need to go to emergency.

 

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@PolarBear thank you for responding. I had a plan to go off them carefully and had managed to reduce my dose over months but then I went through around a week of barely sleeping and just couldn’t remember my days so I kept missing doses and just ended up off them without realising, which I know I am to blame for. 
I saw a doctor today who gave me Atarax for anxiety as I didn’t want Valium (I have an addictive personality). I struggle with an eating disorder and depression too so it’s a lot to tackle at once, I really need to be in a unit but as you probably know, mental health services can be difficult to get the right help and I’m viewed as a ‘complex’ case.
I will probably have to restart the ssri’s again if the atarax does nothing. 
right now my priority is to unfortunately make my room safe again as for a week my anxiety has built to this point of exhaustion and with no minute of calm or peace, I just need to be able to have a room to relax in so I can pull myself together a bit. 
Do you have any advice on how I could tackle sorting out my room and the bathroom so that I can feel safe again? As I don’t know what’s actually right anymore, ocd is the only voice I hear. I don’t know how much of a ‘threat’ my incident was or if I am in any contamination danger as ocd makes everything catastrophic. Sorry this post is so long, if you have time to respond I’d be so thankful

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@Hal hi, thank you for replying it means a lot and your words have been so kind. 

I have been to the doctors today to get some medication for anxiety, so hopefully that will help as my hysterical stage is constant due to withdrawal. Ocd obviously makes you feel like a different person anyway but with the chemical imbalance from lack of meds I just feel like my brain is not working so trying to rationalise anything is hard. I’m afraid of just being awake. However I have managed to survive the day and not clean (which I worry has made the contamination worse) and I ate some crisps. Better than nothing! 
I just don’t know how to address this fear, obviously if I feel like my possessions and my room are no longer safe I feel as though I have nothing- I can’t move house or re-buy everything so I have to find a way to be comfortable with this space again. Any advice on how to do that? I think if I can have that security back for at least my room then I can get my head together long enough to try move forward. 
what’s your opinion of this particular contamination fear, I could have panicked over nothing in reality, but I feel like a child that doesn’t know what’s right anymore. 
thanks again

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You are in a tough spot right now. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for what you are going through.

Getting your high anxiety under control is first priority. Hopefully the meds you were given today help in that regard.

Consider doing some relaxation/mindfulness exercises in conjunction with your meds. These can help calm you.

I know it's hard to understand, but the contamination you fear does not exist, except in your head. I know it feels real, but your mind is lying to you. It always has been. It's a simple truth of OCD. And all those rituals you go through are pointless.

Not only pointless, but they actually stoke your fear and make it worse.

Take care. We'll be here when you need us.

Edited by PolarBear
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Hi @Never-ending, I'm so terribly sorry to hear about what you are going through, it sounds just awful.  

But I think you should take a few moments to congratulate yourself too.  Considering all the stress you are under you were able to describe your situation really well, you've been able to make it through each day, even if it took monumental effort, you've managed to put off some big compulsions in not cleaning, etc.  I know its been hard, I know you are probably exhausted, but you should also be proud of the strength and determination you are showing, not to mention the courage to overcome your feelings of embarrassment and fear to reach out for help and to share.  Kudos for that at least!

Given the state you currently find yourself in from coming off the meds I am curious, is there a particular reason you and your doctor decide to do that?  Certainly its an option, and if the side effects were too strong, or the benefits were not there it can make sense, but if it was helping you and otherwise not causing much problems, perhaps it might be worth continuing the SSRIs?  There's nothing at all wrong with not taking medication for OCD if you can manage your recovery without it, many people do, but you shouldn't feel bad if you need to keep taking medication, as there are many of us who take it long term, because it helps.  Of course the final decision is and should be up to you and your doctor, but something worth considering given how much you seem to be struggling with this and other problems.

As for your fears, from the perspective of someone without contamination related intrusive thoughts I agree with PolarBear, while the anxiety and fear you feel are obviously fear real and very distressing, the thing you fear, contamination, is not.  It can be hard for us, especially in the middle of an OCD flare up, to accept this, and certainly harder for us to truly believe it, OCD creates doubt after all, but its good to try and learn and remind yourself that feeling fear doesn't mean what you fear is a real threat.

For example, if you see a bear in the woods, you'll probably become afraid.  Real threat, real fear.
But what if you saw a bear, but it turned out to be fake?  You'd have felt the same fear, even though there was no threat.  Your fear was still real.
The same is true of these things you see around you, they may cause you to feel very real fear, but they aren't, actually, a threat.  OCD just helps convince you to believe that they are.
It will take time and hard work, but you can overcome this, you can start to teach your brain not to respond with fear in these situations.  There is absolutely definitely hope.

I'm sorry that things have gotten to such a difficult point for you, I hope the forums provide you some solace and relief, being able to talk to others who understand can often do that.  Meanwhile, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, it may seem really bad right now but it won't be that way forever.  Hang in there.

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@dksea thank you so much for your reply. I will respond properly soon when I can. 
however I feel I’ve just made my situation a thousand times worse. I have a jacket in my wardrobe that I have not touched for years, last time I wore it somebody hugged me with their arms open out to avoid me whilst cutting raw chicken and since then I was convinced I brushed against them and I can’t even remember as it was so long ago and at a point where I didn’t have ocd so I wouldn’t have done anything about it. I just got an item out of my wardrobe that was next to that jacket and now I feel as though I’m contaminated and anything that had contact with, with salmonella or ‘raw meat germs’. And it’s grown so large in my head bevause I have to try and clean my room today but now I feel as though I’m spreading raw meat germs all over the stuff I will be cleaning which I know doesn’t make sense but it’s paralysing me. This is ridiculous! I can’t even put the item that was next to the jacket in the wash for fear I’ll contaminate the other stuff with it and that a wash isn’t enough. This is so tiring and i don’t know how to stop the mental ‘spreading’. If I don’t manage to get my room to some level of safe today then I will have no place left and I really don’t want to go to hospital.

 

im aware I sound ridiculous. I’m so sorry for anyone who has to read this!

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Just now, Never-ending said:

im aware I sound ridiculous. I’m so sorry for anyone who has to read this!

You don't sound ridiculous, you sound like you have OCD, and that's not your fault!

And as for embarrassing! Hold my pint! I've done stuff ten times worse than that and it hasn't had anything to do with OCD!

Any way we have all been there, and some of us are still there!

I'm not going to give you any advice because the stuff given is top notch, but wish you good luck!

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I can so relate to your situation. I was there about 6 or 7 years ago when I was going through my worst ever with contamination OCD.  I had that exact same over-reaction to non-events and complete confusion. It's a terrible feeling.

Your room is fine, the bathroom is fine, the coat is fine, the clothes next to the coat are fine.

You don't need to do anything to help your room become more clean or "safe" than it already is.

And as polar bear said "

14 hours ago, PolarBear said:

nd all those rituals you go through are pointless.

Not only pointless, but they actually stoke your fear and make it worse.

So, yes, the more you try to clean, the worse the feeling will get. Stopping the cleaning will help slow the anxiety even if it doesn't feel like that immediately.

 

Eating and sleeping is essential. I know I couldn't eat or sleep much when I was in that state, because i was so busy cleaning everything. But it does make a big difference.

Is your plan to go back onto meds? Are they SSRI's? That really helped me and allowed me to get back to CBT and be able to apply what is taught there.

 

Wishing you well.

 

 

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@leif thank you, it’s good to hear from someone from has experienced the contamination issues. I think it’s just when your anxiety is high, it obviously feels as though you make ‘mistakes’ continuously and you just make things worse for yourself. Ironically I just went out to buy cleaning supplies and ended up brushing through clothing rails in the shop that my mum had just squeezed through and she was wearing a coat that last week she had leaned against an open fridge of raw meat in the supermarket that had dried blood leaked on the shelves. Ha I’m reading this back realising how erratic I sound and I worry I’m annoying people or exasperating everyone! But it’s just never ending mistakes that I feel if I never left my room I wouldn’t have to spiral (which I know is a terrible way to live). Just I spent a week avoiding anything my mums coat touched to now just go ahead and expose myself fully to it now right before I need to feel ‘clean’ in order to clean. I’m silly but so terrified.

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I see you have a fear of your own feces. Your feces were already in your body so it’s not as if they can harm you again. Therefore, you could let your anxiety dissolve & it will on it’s own if you let it. It could take hours, maybe days but it’ll let up eventually. 

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@Handy yes and anything toilet related really, as one aspect of my contamination ocd. But currently the one I’m finding impossible. Your advice makes sense, wish I could see it that way! I’m just unable to tolerate any thoughts right now, definitely from medication withdrawal but it’s very scary having no connection to any part of yourself to find that logic

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If anyone is able to talk I could use some perspective/advice.

As my anxiety levels were so high and I felt I had no safe space, I decided to try and clean my room and ‘fix’ things so I could get some rest, eat and be in a better mind frame to pull myself together as I’m running on little of both. However, I should’ve seen it coming. I started cleaning at 8pm the day before yesterday and didn’t finish till 10.30 last night, this is with no sleep whatsoever. Obviously there were hours of waiting for the washing machine etc but I couldn’t step into my room in this time or relax. I was on the verge of collapsing from being up and cleaning that long, my arms and hands have rashes from dettol wipes.

i must note that my house isn’t even ‘clean’ right now as I only focus on my areas and try to get them sterile I suppose rather than neat tidy and clean and I neglect areas I can’t even face doing. 
All in all, it was a wake up call. I thought after sleep I could feel better now I’m back in my room but I am afraid to eat and have already changed clothes 3 times since last night. Perspective has gone out of the window because I’m only listening to ocd. I haven’t allowed myself a single thought to anything not ocd related and this must be the withdrawal bevause I wasn’t like this a month ago- I still had some personality left. It makes me sad because my ocd has been severe for a while but I was no where near this level, I could talk to my family about other things and watch tv etc.
I think I struggle to trust others or ignore fears and compulsions because contamination ocd around raw meat/toilet etc are things that can actually harm us so I feel like if I ignore it that is wrong. 
there are guidelines for example on how to prepare meat so as not to get sick (not that I cook or can be around any of that anyway!) but my point is that it’s an example of how there are certain rules and threats and I treat them to the extreme but if I feel like the flush has ‘splashed out at me’ eg, then it is from a genuinely dirty place so where is the line? 
Just feeling extremely scared of how lonely and unable to move I am right now and need to get a grip!

guess I’m just posting to see if anyone has any advice. Wish we could delete these though because I’m ashamed of everything I’ve written and it’s no ones responsibility to help me. 

Edited by Never-ending
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The line, as you describe it, is far, far away. It's so far away from where you are you can't see it.

You see a spot, you think feces. No one else does. The threat you think is real doesn't exist.

You did a major cleaning, which was a drawn out compulsion, and it was all for nothing. The contamination you wanted to get rid of never did exist.

The good news is that you can change your response. You can change what you do and free yourself.

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On 17/01/2020 at 00:46, Never-ending said:

I can’t move house or re-buy everything so I have to find a way to be comfortable with this space again. Any advice on how to do that? I think if I can have that security back.....

I've been there too. It's getting on for fifteen years ago now...but I seriously considered walking away from my house and throwing everything away because the contamination fears were so strong. I didn't but I was darned close to going down that road. The thing is tho, even if I had and performed what's essentially a massive compulsion, knowing OCD it would only have been a matter of time before something was again 'contaminated.' It took me a long time to realise and really accept I couldn't out run the anxiety...the only effective long term way for you to feel comfortable again will mean taking the brave step of being prepared to feel uncomfortable.

I know that's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but ironically, with time... once you allow room for those feelings and refuse to use compulsions to cope with them, you'll feel safe and comfortable again. 

I guess OCD's a bit like a dodgy insurance salesman...just do this compulsion it says and you'll feel fine again...for a moment, until the next 'what if' strikes, but we pay a very very heavy price we don't actually have to pay to be free of the anxiety in the short term.

If you feel the urge to change your clothes again, could you try and sit with the anxiety for a short while? Could you set a target of 10 minutes and then gauge how you feel, you might then feel able to add another 10 and so on. 

Quote

I struggle with an eating disorder and depression too so it’s a lot to tackle at once, I really need to be in a unit but as you probably know, mental health services can be difficult to get the right help and I’m viewed as a ‘complex’ case.

You're going through a lot, I think you do need more professional help, are you based in the UK? If you are, it might be worth having a chat with Ashley, the charity's Chief Exec for help with accessing more intensive treatment. Meds obviously have their place, but you deserve good CBT too.

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1 hour ago, Hal said:

I guess OCD's a bit like a dodgy insurance salesman...just do this compulsion it says and you'll feel fine again...for a moment, until the next 'what if' strikes, but we pay a very very heavy price we don't actually have to pay to be free of the anxiety in the short term.

@Hal that’s such a good way to explain it, feels that way! It’s helpful to hear someone has gone through similar things so thank you for sharing. I know what you mean about trying to out-run anxiety- that’s exactly what I’m trying to do and it’s not possible yet ocd still tries to make me do it.

I have now stayed in the same clothes the rest of the day so far.. I think I realised what I could do to start slowly. I didn’t even realise I’d transitioned from using antibacterial handwash to that plus antibac wipes and then sanitizer. Essentially not trusting that any of them would do their job. So today I’ve only used handwash. (Think my body is 90% dettol at this point!) 

I think it would be easier to try and sit with uncomfortable feelings if I had distractions, I have no social circle or job so I’m very much isolated. I don’t leave the house either and all of this has worsened over the last year. How do I speak to Ashley? That sounds like a good idea. I am UK based and trying to get into a unit for OCD is a nightmare process. My community health team are awful. 
thanks again for your response!

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2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

The good news is that you can change your response. You can change what you do and free yourself.

Do you have any starting tips for how I would do this when I live very isolated? I don’t have friends or a job (which I wish I did!) but with no distractions I’ve worsened overtime. I used to go to festivals which are horrendously dirty but I can’t even believe that was the same person! I’ve been stuck in the house for years, only going out to do things like food shops. I don’t know why I let it go on this long, partly why I wanted to come off my meds as they kept me numb and I feel as though I don’t remember the last few years. I think I will have to start a new ssri. 
So without any distractions I always choose ocd or give in too soon and it’s hard to think of goals I had 2 months ago now I’m so entrenched in this ocd/anxiety.

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Hi Neverending, 

I'm sorry things are so tough just now. I definitely relate to how you're feeling and what you're going through. Well done for staying in the same clothes all day- that's great! 

Have a look online at the Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit at Bethlem Hospital; they might be able to help if your CMHT will agree to a referral.

Although as a contamination OCD sufferer I totally understand that you feel that the contamination is completely real; Polarbear is right that it is all in our heads. Obviously everything in our environment is covered in bacteria but it does not harm us and we don't need to spend time thinking about it. 

OCD makes everything seem so much more scary than it is- just as an example salmonella die after 6 hours on surfaces and clothes so even if you did get salmonella on your clothes that one time (very unlikely) then the salmonella would have died after less than a day. Even aside from that- the likelihood that any transferred from the 'chef' to you is very low; the likelihood that it was enough to make you sick even if you had licked your clothing immediately afterwards is even more low; the likelihood of you getting sick by wearing that jumper now is 0%. 

I experience very similar worries to you so have to keep telling myself this! 

I'm also socially isolated and not currently working (I say 'currently' but it's been years) and know that that definitely makes things worse. I did have a life and live hundreds of miles away from home for several years but I'm now back with my parents and feeling fairly useless! I don't know how to start doing normal things again but hopefully others will have more helpful suggestions! 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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@PolarBear I am on a waiting list for a CBT therapist but it could be months, and I’ve also requested for the second time to be referred for inpatient treatment. I had CBT a while ago but wasn’t effective as it wasn’t often enough to make any change. Hoping to get some proper help soon, just trying to get by in the meantime

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@BelAnna hi BelAnna,

Thank you for your reply! I have asked for a referral to Bethlem, or Maudsley. Any of them would do at this point. I really don’t want to be an impatient but sometimes I think of how many years this has gone on and know that because my ocd affects all areas of my life, I think I’d need to be doing ERP and CBT daily to push through it. 
i really appreciate what you said about my jacket and salmonella- I often forget to even think of the realistic perspective. I think a lot of it is re-educating myself on how to do things normally as ocd trains you otherwise. I used to cook chicken all the time and now feel like I don’t remember how I even handled it but it was obviously second nature to me to just do it. I forget that germs literally die which is silly because our planet wouldn’t survive if it was as harmful as I believe! No one is walking around in hazard suits and masks 24/7. I’m living at home and I crave independence badly- it’s horrible knowing you were capable of things before and not now isn’t it! It’s baffling when you cant trust yourself. 
how are you doing? I hope that you are coping ok and have had a nice weekend!

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@BelAnna I just had a thought as well that I suppose doing normal things for us is so hard because for me anyway, I’m not focusing on doing things that actually bring me joy. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to not give in to compulsions? As they’re things we fear and dislike. I know when I have had the opportunity to do something social I have been stronger and more capable than I thought I was, but I suppose it was because I allowed myself the chance to enjoy it. Also being cooped up at home makes for me personally an environment to be completely ocd as my whole identity but when i was sociable I felt like myself and almost tried to push away the ocd because I was around others and remembering I was out in the world if that makes sense?

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48 minutes ago, Never-ending said:

I had CBT a while ago but wasn’t effective as it wasn’t often enough to make any change.

Many sufferers struggle with this aspect of treatment, but CBT is more about what you do everyday than how often you go to treatment.  Its not the kind of thing where the majority of the benefit you get comes from the sessions.  The majority of the benefit comes from putting in the work each day.  
CBT is like seeing a personal trainer at the gym.  The trainer can help encourage you, the trainer can teach you exercises, but the trainer can't do the exercises for you.  Its YOU doing the exercises every day that helps you get in shape.  The trainer is just a guide.
Similarly a therapist is there to show you the way, but you need to do the exercises yourself, you need to apply the techniques over and over and over until they become automatic.
It really helps to take that approach to the therapy.  
Many of us expect (incorrectly) that merely going to each appointment will be all that is needed.  That would be great, like a mental antibiotic of sorts, but unfortunately its not the way.
I hope you can get a chance to work with a therapist again soon, it can help you get on track, but in the meantime you can help yourself by reviewing what you have learned and trying as much as you can to put it back in practice.  Maybe a self guided CBT book (you can find some good ones on the OCD-UK store) will be a good place to start, to help refresh you with some of the techniques you can be doing.

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