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Hello. I've been suffering a lot lately with which I hope is OCD. My friend was actually the one to tell me I might be suffering as she works in this area. I've had lots of fears in the past which, after research, seem to all relate to OCD. I have an upcoming assessment so hopefully I can start therapy and see what's up here. 

My problem is I have a gf, we haven't met yet but we plan to very soon. I'm plagued with anxiety about her looks, I've spent exactly 3 months day after day thinking about it, trying to work out if I'm attracted. Each day I cry and feel like I'm having panic attack because of guilt and an overwhelming need to tell her as I feel it's the only way to rid this guilt and then I won't care. But I don't want to hurt her, I want her to feel like the most lovable gorgeous person in the world. So I've been holding off for months but I can't function in my life because the dreaded feeling is always there. The first time I saw a picture of her I felt infatuated, then I would get scary thoughts that questioned my morals and hurting her, then when I saw more pictures it triggered this fear of not being attracted. I really looked at the pictures and felt pure fear. Now I genuinely feel like I'm not? Can OCD do that? It's hard to blame a disorder when it's something you can SEE. I just want to be able to love her and not feel guilt and feel like I'm lying every single day. I feel suicidal sometimes, feeling like this can never go away. My brain picks at her face and I feel awful because I love her more than anything and to me, she's perfect. But I feel like I'm lying to myself, it feels 100% like denial. I'm able to deal with "what if you don't love her" thoughts as I practice seeing love as a choice, as because I can't see it, it makes it easier to cope with than this attraction fear. I just don't know what to do, I want to be with her more than anything but I feel like I have no right to be with someone if I'm "hiding" such a big thing and she deserves someone who is attracted. The most relief I've got is I had 4 days of not obsessing and I tried to look at her again but it made the obsessing start up immediately. I'm at my wits end. Can anyone help me?

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Hello @Mycoral1998, welcome to the forums.  Sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I agree with PolarBear (I usually do, he's pretty wise especially around OCD!).  What you describe sounds very much like OCD.
I am glad to hear that you'll be seeing someone soon about this, having a professional diagnosis can open a lot of doors for treatment.
It will help for you to learn how OCD works, and also learn the ways you can go about changing how it affects you.
At its core, OCD is about doubt.  Normally we have a thought/idea/etc, we think about it, we decide its probably not worth worrying about, and our brain moves on.
With OCD this process can sometimes break down, we have a thought, and it doesn't seem to go away no matter how much we think about it.  Even if the evidence or logic says we can be "sure", we still feel doubt, so we keep worrying.
It may not feel like it, but you aren't being dishonest, you aren't being bad, you haven't done anything wrong.  Its all just a case of really bad luck.  Unfortunately you have OCD (probably) and unfortunately it happened that this particular worry (about your girlfriends looks) was the one that got stuck.
It can seem like confessing will help, that might feel right, but the truth is it won't.  The problem is not that you had this thought, and confessing it won't change anything.  The problem is OCD makes you feel doubt and that doubt makes you feel bad.  With the right therapy you can help teach your brain to respond more normally and break out of these spirals of fear and doubt.  
I hope your doctor will be able to get you working with the right kind of therapy (its called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT in English) and possibly some medication that can help if you are ok with that (some people do, some people don't, it'll be up to you).  It won't happen over night, but there is hope for recovery, it won't always be this way.

Also wanted to add that I really like your user pic of Sokka from Avatar!  I love that show too.  And I had the chance to visit Shanghai last spring and I really enjoyed it.  its an amazing city and I hope to visit again someday soon!

 

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Mycoral, your post sounds exactly like OCD. The disorder will focus on anything and everything. Try to keep in mind that in spite of the disorder's siren call of 'importance', the content is absolutely irrelevant, though OCD will do its damnedest to make you feel otherwise. You'll find some sagacious insights on this forum - e.g. Polar Bear and dksea.

Best of luck with your therapy.   

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25 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

You'll find some sagacious insights on this forum - e.g. Polar Bear and dksea.

Sagacious!  How dare you sir!  Why I ...
(looks up the definition of sagacious)
Oh...I see...thats quite kind...thank you good sir.  Quite.

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11 hours ago, dksea said:

Sagacious!  How dare you sir!  Why I ...
(looks up the definition of sagacious)
Oh...I see...thats quite kind...thank you good sir.  Quite.

I know, those damn compliments are hard to take ... anyway ... 

Cheers. 

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10 hours ago, Mycoral1998 said:

Thank you all for the help, I appreciate this so much :) it's nice to know there is probably a cause to all of this and I'm not just going crazy. 

It's just standard issue inane OCD doing its thing. 

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