Alcohol and my mind

[battlethrough]

I have battled with alcohol all my life,sometimes it helps me deal with stuff but sometimes it screws me over. 

When I have intrusive thoughts when drunk they seem more intense and like I like them,the other night I was with my partner,sometimes we send naughty videos to eachother, we'll drunkenly I had the thought ill send that to my sister, I even looked up the video I sent, being drunk it didn't seem to bother me, that's what's worrying, I woke up in the morning terrified I had sent it, of course I hadn't but because it seemed like I liked the idea when drunk it makes me believe maby it's a secret desire,don't get why it attacks me this way when drunk, like I'm a sick pervert, trying really hard not to confess this one because I acted by searching up the video

[battlethrough]

Have I disgusted people

[gingerbreadgirl]

Are you getting any help with alcohol bt? x 

[Closed for repairs]

1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

Have I disgusted people

I doubt it.

But it's not the biggest forum in the world, and Monday morning, is busy for those who work, and I expect the overseas, contingent are in bed , not to mention those of us who sometimes, are in no condition to do anything.

[battlethrough]

Do people with ocd feel like the liked their thoughts though although the feel gisgust and guilt can your brain trick you that you liked them, and what's really killing me is that I got the video up, I think to send it, that's awful and how can that be ocd as that's just awful intention

[Closed for repairs]

11 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Do people with ocd feel like the liked their thoughts though although the feel gisgust and guilt can your brain trick you that you liked them, and what's really killing me is that I got the video up, I think to send it, that's awful and how can that be ocd as that's just awful intention

No it's getting ******, and doing stupid things, or in your case almost doing stupid things.

The OCD bit it is all the worrying you are doing.

Look I'm not saying getting drunk and doing daft stuff is ok, but it's the getting drunk bit that's the problem.

But I think you know that,

Like you know that it hadn't been helping with problems just blotting them out, (and some times that's what we do it for).

By the way and this is just my personal opinion, the idea that the personality you have when drunk is in some way "the real you" is cobblers!

I mean it may reduce inhibitions but it also mucks up your brain.

It's no more the real you than if some one hit you with a baseball bat.

The real you is who you chose to be!

[battlethrough]

My sister though,that's not just messed up, that's beyond any understanding 

[gingerbreadgirl]

This is reassurance seeking and I think you know that bt. 

[battlethrough]

I know it is gbg, just feel I'm worse than people on here, having so much trouble with my family, stress is through the roof

[Handy]

Alcohol causes your serotonin to decrease, so you obsess more. This is called Alcohol Anxiety. This is why those with OCD need to avoid it. 

[battlethrough]

It seems like intent though because I looked up the video, I don't know if I looked because I had the thought or had the thought because I looked, seriously this isn't a small minor thing,I thought about sending my sister a video that's for my partner only

[battlethrough]

So if I had sent it I would have to confess, should I confess this as it had bad intent

 

[PolarBear]

Sorry, battle, but you've about used up your forum reassurance quota. 

This has happened to you dozens of times. We gave you the same advice dozens of times.

[battlethrough]

I agree,it's so hard

[battlethrough]

Can't take it much more,the urge to confess is crippling, my partner can see I'm destroyed, all I tell her is my depression is bad,I feel she has to know this so she can choose whether she wants to be with someone who could even contemplate doing something so sick

[gingerbreadgirl]

Bt when will you change this pattern? I see you go through the same pattern over and over and over. Time to change it for a new one. 

I also really think you need to get some help with your drinking. 

[battlethrough]

Oh gbg,I hate myself for keep coming on here, the anxiety just gets to much,I honestly don't know if this is something I should confess, forget everything before, if it was the other day I'm not sure if I would want to be told, if my missus thought about sending my her brother a video and even got it up,I think maby I should know, I just don't know,only saving grace is although very drunk I didn't, that says something I suppose xx

[gingerbreadgirl]

Have you been to a therapist at all about this? I think you need to arrive at a better cognitive understanding of what fuels this fear you have. 

I think the drinking you do to blackout is really not helping you either xx 

[battlethrough]

I did have a very good therapist but I've lost my way, never seems like ocd, when I write stuff on here I feel a worse person, and I've never read of someone with ocd doing something like that, dr unk or not,

[Avo]

Can you drink responsibly bt ? Alcohol often seems to be a vehicle for your ocd. I am not saying don't drink but can you drink in a manner that doesn't lead to these sorts of States? 

I am not anti alcohol I drink myself but I think you have to be aware that excessive consumption is going to play badly with your ocd. 

My advice would be look at your drinking habits can you stop after a small amount or do you drink excessively ? 

Also don't confess at all. It's Just going to make things worse. 

Edited January 21, 2020 by Avo

[Closed for repairs]

1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

I did have a very good therapist but I've lost my way, never seems like ocd, when I write stuff on here I feel a worse person, and I've never read of someone with ocd doing something like that, dr unk or not,

Really! 

I mean yes, no one on here has posted about sending videos, to YOUR sister, but come on the forum is full of threads by folks who think they are a massive pervert due to some inconsequential, event, and NONE of them ever think it's OCD.

But even if you did manage to come up with something new, I don't know, say you planned to rob a bank using trained lobsters and a sex aid,

It's the fact that you are worrying about it that's the problem not that you imagined it.

[battlethrough]

Thanks, Ive got to try and remember I've been here before,and every time feels like the worst time, I hate this illness so much, life robber,I know what I should do but when it hits its if I forget everything and always fall for the same tricks, the anxiety gets so much that I feel I must confess but I know if I did, the revolving door would just bring another

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi BT, what do you think you could do to try and moderate your drinking a little more? Not being preachy (I have done it many times myself when younger!) I just mean for your own metal health - drinking til blackout is a really really bad thing to do (for you I mean) especially when you add OCD into the mix.  It seems like your themes always strike after doing this.  

[battlethrough]

I have battled with it since 11,i gave up dope, pills, coke, fags in my late 20s,but booze is harder to shake as its more socially acceptable, and ur correct, its as if the intrusive thoughts that I would deal with sober are different, when I'm blotto, I get a thought and it's as if its ok and I like it but I think it's just getting confused with the drunk feeling,I can't believe I could contemplate actually sending that video, dispute ocd that is pretty twisted, maby I didn't and the whole things got confused but I can remember getting an incest thought then looking for the video and thinking I'll send it to her,that's pretty messed up

[paradoxer]

4 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks, Ive got to try and remember I've been here before,and every time feels like the worst time, I hate this illness so much, life robber,I know what I should do but when it hits its if I forget everything and always fall for the same tricks, the anxiety gets so much that I feel I must confess but I know if I did, the revolving door would just bring another

A quick tip, try, if you can not to hate OCD too much (not an enormous secret, it loves it), try to despise it more ... to hold it in contempt.