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Forgive the self pity but, I just feel so hopeless and broken.


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For 9 years I struggled with ocd stopped living a life, put myself through some bad stuff, unprecedented stuff that normal people dont go through, then I have a reaction to a pharmaceutical that alters my body composition, but it urged me to start living, in the next 2 years, I try to make my symptoms better, and I am life limited in many ways, I couldnt believe this had happened to me, given everything id been through and this was because of ocd, also, all of it came from COMPULSIONS, this whole thing has emasculated me, self harm. Then I have a child, and again I get into a similar situation, so now I have all 3 of these problems, and I just cant overcome it, like I want to give up, I see no hope, no light, I wish Id never brought a child into this world, because I cant look after them, she lives with her mother, but its all just a mess, I lost my job I have no money, and I dont even have the will to better my life anymore, I have too  much guilt and depression. I dont even post here for help I just post to vent, Ive never really come into contact with anyone that could really help me, I just feel that all my problems need a time machine to fix, some things never change. I know I come here and post these kinda things alot, but its genuinely how I feel.

The best thing I can compare it to is the movie Awakenings, OCD stopped me living a life I mean literally no goals, no jobs for YEARS, no relationships, prime of my life 20's. Then for 2 years albeit with a physical illness, I decide because of my illness Im going to live, because lifes too short, and then just as the movie awakenings OCD, comes back crippling depression and I go back to the sunken state, the catatonic state as depicted in the movie, but for  a MOMENT, brief Moments I was happy, I had some joy. Please dont give cliches here, If people reply Ive heard them all before, "It can get better"

Yes, maybe it can, but also, it only gets better in this distorted version of what my life is, as to what It SHOULD BE. and thats something I struggle to accept.

I just dont know why these things have happened to me, I dont know why I cant find the self assurance that other people have, I dont know why I have to have a problem that questions who I AM, and has lead to me doing stupid things that reinforce the doubts,  I dont know why after all that, Im still given other problems by God or fate, or whatever, that I never imagined I would have. It just doesnt seem fair and it makes me want to die, just to spite this world, and everyone that let me down. Im sorry for this negative post but, its just how I feel, and Ive been feeling for a year or so now. I feel like the only thing that might give my life any meaning now is death, Im just tired, im tired of having to fight of having to struggle.

Sigh, thanks for reading.

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7 hours ago, humbleno1 said:

I feel like the only thing that might give my life any meaning now is death, Im just tired, im tired of having to fight of having to struggle.

Rubbish.

Life doesn't automatically come with meaning, you have to create it look for it.

It need not be a great calling or purpose, it might just be putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what's round the corner.

It was freezing cold last night, but the sky was beautiful.

I've got some snowdrops coming up, some one showed me a video of Kermit the frog playing the banjo with Steve Martin.

You have to take your pleasures where you can find them, but they are there to be found.

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Hi humble,

Please take CrazyDame's advice on board and look into more support and treatment. I think I've suggested this before, but if you haven't already....why not get in touch with Ashley explaining everything and why it's important you get to see someone who fully understands OCD.

It's true we can't change the past, but it's pretty clear a lot of how you're viewing yourself and the effects of that past are being heavily skewed and distorted by both the disorder and depression.

Those can improve tho,' providing you begin to take some steps towards getting well again. I know that's going to be difficult feeling as worn down by it all as you do...you have to keep fighting tho.'

Even if your daughter doesn't live with you at the moment, you're always going to be her father and she'll always need you to be there for her and be a part of her life, really think about that.

Please make that call.

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