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Been alone for 9 years, how does one with OCD find a new partner? Do we have to be alone forever?


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Hi,

I am 28 year old guy from the UK. I have not been with a woman for 9 years. The last girlfriend I had was ages ago when I was still a teenager at college. Most of the people my age are all married etc. I have been left behind in a life of almost isolation.

I have suffered from pure-o type of OCD since 2008, i.e. intrusive obsessional thoughts. It was bad in 2010. Very bad from 2015 and again from 2018, I was suicidal in 2015. Some days can be suffering all day with intrusive thoughts and obsessions. I want to find a partner but with OCD I feel guilt, worthless etc. Over the years I have mutilated a lot of my body with razorblades because of the guilt. The scars turn white over the years but I have to hide my body, never short sleeves etc.

The last time I did serious self harm was 2017 but I always go back to it every few years because of the non-stop pain and suffering from OCD. I want to find a partner and really fall in love with someone but the OCD has ruined my life. How am I going to find a woman who understands OCD, or all the cuts on my body? I feel very alone.

For the people on this forum who are in relationships, married etc how do you manage this? Do you date other sufferers with OCD. Is it a good idea to tell your partner about OCD or do you keep it secret? I have kept my OCD secret but I have been alone for years. I want to reach out to someone but I do not know how.

Can anyone offer any advice here about OCD sufferers dating and relationships? Thanks.

 

Edited by Alone
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Hello

So sorry to hear about your situation.  A really hard one to answer.  When I married my husband he didn't know about my OCD although he said he always knew something was wrong.  I kept it a secret for years which is something I regret now.  It is so much easier now, knowing that he understands and can help.  I remember vividly how much more anxiety I suffered hiding it.  I also went for counseling which has helped immensely and am waiting to go back this year.  You don't mention if you are getting professional help.  If not, I would strongly advise it.  I feel sure it would certainly help you with your relationship issues and feelings of guilt and worthlessness.  OCD is much more  understood and talked about now than it ever was and I am sure there is someone out there who would understand what you have, and are, going through.  I hope this helps a bit.  You may not have a partner at the moment but remember, you are NOT alone in your suffering.

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Alone, sorry to hear about your prolonged time in the trenches. Try to remember that OCD guilt is a false replica of the real thing. And, though it may sound harsh, unwanted solitude is your motivation to beat the disorder.

On telling people about your OCD - there's no obligation to say a thing, you can explain as much or as little as you choose. Rather than having OCD 'define' you, you can always refer to an 'anxiety disorder'.

Cheers. 

Edited by paradoxer
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Hi love,

If it helps, I'm actually a year or so older than you (my nieces helpfully called me old the other day when I told them I was going to be thirty this year :D ) and I've never been in a serious relationship. I did sometimes long for one - I think deep down we all want someone to hold us, to be there for us and make us not feel alone. It's the loneliness of this condition that can get to us. But now I've realised I'm happier in my own space; I can sort myself out. I do like a good wedding but wedding-receptions can be tedious, especially if that's the only part you're invited to because there's no space for you to sit down! 

I don't think anybody should be made to feel as though they have to hide their OCD. I may not be in a relationship but I have some good friends who know all about it and support me; my best friend from school and sixth form, who I work with and provides an ear on the tough days when it's all too much (I broke down in tears in the girl's locker-room last summer when it all got too much and he immediately was summoned by concerned colleagues and came to talk to me); good friends who may not suffer OCD, but do suffer other serious conditions like depression, anxiety and various disorders; and my best friend (who came into my life around the time my previous best friend dumped me). I feel lucky to have these friends, especially following my mother's death in 2014. If someone makes you feel you have to hide the condition, then you don't have to worry about them. Not everybody is equipped to deal with a disorder like this and everybody has their own issues to deal with and it can be hard to stop and listen to other people and their problems. But that's why this forum exists! :D And the beauty of the world is that there's enough room for everybody. 

I am truly, truly sorry that you've been hurting yourself; I just want to give you a massive hug. If it helps, I know how it feels to live with OCD during your twenties and there's part of me that feels disappointed with how my twenties progressed as a result and wonder in some ways if it's ruined my life - taken my eye off the ball with regards to job-hunting and developing a career for example as I'm thirty this year, I haven't published anything, I don't feel particularly attractive and never have enough money, etc. However, no-one's life is perfect, we all have our illnesses to contend with (and of course, the finance stuff I can blame on the older generation!). I feel quite burdened by these worries sometimes and can feel very lonely and anxious; I often have 'anxiety eyes' and look more tired than I feel and not particularly attractive, either!

If it's any consolation, I have a couple of friends in a relationship; like me, the chap suffers OCD and we're like OCD buddies. His girlfriend is very understanding and helps him on the bad days. He loves her and she him and he's part of her family. I think the worst thing you can do is stay silent; if you open up, you'll realise how many people are out there and willing to support you and be your friend and perhaps one day, one of them will be your love. However, you do need to ensure that you take care of yourself so that you can take care of someone else; you need to put your own needs first. 

Please do open up and share your pain and the fact you've been hurting yourself. It's a brave, difficult, wonderful thing to do. There are people out there who care and we all care and we want you to feel better. :hug: Lots of love.

C x

Edited by Cub
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On 22/01/2020 at 20:34, paradoxer said:

And?

It cooccurs with Avoidant Personality Disorder a lot. This keeps people from relationships. I don’t think purely ocd keeps people from relationships. I met my wife on an ocd forum & ocd was a connection & a bond. 

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Dear Alone,

I have been with my now husband for 10 years.  I was a bit hesitant to move in together after two years of the relationship for the fear that he will find out about my OCD and dump me.  

Then finally I told him about it, we were already living together for some time and he said that he didn't even notice anything!

So yes, please don't give up.  We have OCD, people have other health problems and just all sorts of stuff going on in their lives, nobody is perfect.

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Hello! We have a couple things in common. I also self harmed, it was a long time ago. It wasn't ocd related, but I understand the mentality behind those actions more or less.  I'm also 28. I've had OCD for as long as I can remember. I have had a boyfriend I think more than I've been single for the last several years. I'm currently in a relationship. 

I haven't really opened up to my current boyfriend about it, but I feel like I should. Our OCD doesn't deserve any power, and keeping it a secret makes us feel like it's something to be ashamed of.. but it's not. I know it's really scary to try to explain to someone what our thoughts are and all that. I have opened up with a previous boyfriend, he was generally very supportive, and tried his best to understand. Give people a chance to be there for you. I kind of had to tell him because I was very very lost in my OCD at the time. But I think it's healthy for us to be honest. You don't have to go around announcing it to everyone you meet, it's only your business. And it's anyone's business who you choose to share it with. I do think it is a good thing to remove stigma and try to talk about it as much as we can.

I've felt suicidal over ocd, more than once. Not for a long time though, but I've been there. I promise it gets better. Get yourself started on cognitive behavioural therapy, do your very best to not engage in thoughts. Even when they make you feel guilty - it's just a feeling. Just let it be, you'll survive I promise! ? I also promise that the more compulsions you do, the worse it will get. You can live a normal, happy life. I was VERY sick...... And I'm lightyears happier than I was. It'll get better ?

Edited by hazydaze
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PS don't worry about the scars. I used to hide mine. One day I decided to just own it and not care. We survived some really horrible shhhhtuff. Crappy people will judge you no matter what so. They'll find something right haha. Don't care what anyone thinks! Anyone who matters won't judge you. ? Tigers wear their stripes. ?

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