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Partner with OCD refusing help


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Hi there,

I am so thankful I have found your forum online and hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend of 5 years has OCD (mainly contamination) and it has become so bad and he has not worked for some time now and getting into debt.  When we first met I just thought he was more clean than most guys but then living together things got significantly worse and now most days he is unable to leave the flat.  

He sees his OCD as a big secret he has to hide from the world including me although over the last year he has admitted to me that he is mentally unwell and opened up to me about the intrusive thoughts and how trapped he feels.   I feel awareness is the first step to healing but sadly he refuses to get any professional help as he will not have this on his NHS record.

He has become anxious, depressed, over-sensitive, emotionally detached and often filled with angry outbursts and screaming.

He is super intelligent and believes that no doctor will be able to understand his mind and help him.   His parents took him for one session of counselling at at 14 for this problem and he just told the doctor all the 'right' answers so she would let him go and then kept his issues a secret from his family for the rest of his life.  

His family are so kind and caring and I know that if they knew they would do anything to help him and he does respect them.   I once mentioned that I might tell them so we can get him help and his response was that he would rather terminate himself than for anyone to know or to open up to anyone about it.   This has left me feeling so scared and helpless.   I'm just not sure I can live like this anymore,  watching him suffer, depressed and unable to function or do any simple tasks or chores has gotten to me and the past 3 years have been really tough.

I love and care for him and even if the relationship does not last I want him to break free from this trapped life.  I have mentioned these forums, books and websites but he just seems like he has made up his mind that nobody can help.   

My questions are: 

Can anyone recommend some of the best private doctors for OCD in London?  From what I am reading I think the NHS is not the way to go for him.   

With severe OCD like this is a mixture of both medication and CBT they way forward?

Has anyone else had experience of a family intervention for OCD or had a loved one refusing help?   

Any other advice for helping someone to get help?

Thanks in advance.

 

 

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Hi MissC,

Welcome to the forums,  I'm very sorry you and your boyfriend are going through this at the moment.

So many familes have found themselves in the same difficult position where the person with OCD doesn't feel able to reach out for help themselves....but he can't go on suffering like this and affecting you too, something has to shift for you both doesn't it.

I'm glad tho' he's opened up to you that he's having problems with intrusive thoughts...his depression will obviously be affecting his decision making and feeling hopeless, but do you think his earlier experience with the therapist may be affecting his willingness to see someone? It's probably a mixture of things isn't it...a fear of having to face his fears, maybe even an a misplaced sense of shame around the thoughts or even just having a mental health issue, they could all be holding him back.

If only he'd visit our forums, if he did, he'd see he's far from alone. If he won't, can you perhaps impress on him that so many people here have gotten well again and are living their lives to the full because they've accessed the right treatment. That treatment will also be very gradual in nature with a lot of cognitive groundwork in place before tackling any exposure exercises.

Maybe others may disagree with me here, but if you haven't already...it may mean a bit of tough love on your part to get him to be more proactive. I'd be tempted to make it clear you're with him every step of the way through this, he has tho' to start taking some steps towards getting well again, no ifs or buts.

You might be met with more anger and more reasons why he can't, but seeing someone privately removes one of his fears around the NHS and his medical records.

If you do decide to go down that road, the charity always recommends finding someone through the British Association of Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP), anyone accredited with them should be well qualified to provide CBT.

Medication is really a personal choice...for severe OCD it is recommended in combination with CBT. If you were to go privately tho' you'd have to see a psychiatrist rather than a clinical psychologist in order to be prescribed an SSRI or possibly an anti-psychotic.

When I was looking into seeing someone a few years ago, Ashley, the charity's Chief Exec gave me this list of therapists he was happy to recommend:

Dr Lauren Callaghan (EastLondon) http://themindworks.co.uk/

Dr Elizabeth Forrester (Petts Wood)- http://www.dreforrester.co.uk/ (offers treatment via Skype).

Dr Stephanie Fitzgerald- http://www.fitzgeraldpsychology.com/ (offers telephone/Skype therapy).

It might be worth giving them a call to gauge waiting lists and also for their advice about the situation.

Something else that may help, would be to try to persuade your boyfriend to also  give Ashley a call for a chat on 03332 127 890.

Pease also look after yourself. OCD takes its toll on the sufferer but I know from the time I've been on the forums just how hard it is for their loved ones too.

The forum is also here to support you.

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@MissC I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your boyfriend.  Though he may be the one directly suffering from OCD, its clear you are suffering too.  It says a great deal about you as a caring person that you are making an effort to find help for him, particularly when he is making it so difficult and refusing to help himself.  He may not say it/realize it, but he is very blessed to have someone like you in his life.  I sincerely hope he is able to get the help he needs and eventually accept it, for both your sake.  

That said, I think its important to keep in mind that you are definitely not responsible for him indefinitely.  While part of love involves sacrificing to help our loved ones, it is not an endless sacrifice.  If, at some point, it becomes too much for you to deal with, its ok to walk away.  Its entirely possible, if not likely, that an attempt to do so would be met with hostility, blame, and even threats, even breakups without underlying mental health issues can have this problem.  That doesn't mean its the wrong choice.  So long as you are willing and able to help and support that is great.  But it does not have to be your responsibility forever, and you are not a bad person if at some point you have to give up.  Based on your description of the situation you have done far more than most people would.  Again it would be wonderful if somehow someone is able to break through to him and get him to realize his situation and that he needs help.  But in the end it is up to each individual to accept they have a problem AND be willing to get the help they need.  In the end his recovery has to be his choice, not yours.  Best of luck.

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Thank you all so much for your wise words, kindness as well as therapy options which I have been able to look into.

It feels so good to share this and get a response from others who have suffered as you can understand how hard it can be for both of us.   As a partner of a sufferer it can be a lonely, scary place as you feel as you know it's such a vulnerable thing for the sufferer so you cannot talk about it to anyone.

I have told him about the forums and options for the right treatment and conversations this week were definitely different to the past so I am hopeful for him but I have realised that more than anything his recovery has to be his choice!  

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.  

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On 01/02/2020 at 04:28, MissC said:

I have told him about the forums and options for the right treatment and conversations this week were definitely different to the past so I am hopeful for him but I have realised that more than anything his recovery has to be his choice!  

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.  

Thats great to hear, I hope this leads to some real improvements for both of you.  You are more than welcome and of course feel free to continue to visit the forums as you need, you're definitely welcome here!

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