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What do I do now...


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11 hours ago, Cora said:

However, my situation at the moment is even more weird.

If I had a dollar/pound for every time an OCD suffer felt like their situation was different, I'd be rich :D
 

11 hours ago, Cora said:

So whenever I make scenarios in my head to see how I feel (I know it's a compulsion and that keeps my makes the whole situation much harder) about me hurting my brother, it almost feels like an urge. It almost feels like I need to act on the thought so get rid of it. It's a strong and powerful feeling in my body.  How the heck can this be OCD?! I know I've been asking the same question over and over again, but it's so hard to believe that what I have is OCD when I experience things like this. And on top of this I don't think I've seen anyone experiencing the same things like me. So I wonder maybe that is because I'm a big, big freak. 

Well, you've got Malina already telling you her experience with similar thoughts is the same.  Meanwhile I'm reasonably certain that what both you and she are experiencing is the fear of an urge rather than an actual urge.  Your OCD addled brain is taking the thought "what if I had the urge to hurt my brother" plus the feeling of anxiety and distress this causes and mistaking it/misinterpreting it as an urge you are having that you must fight.  I had the same experience some years back when I was struggling with self harm and felt like I had to fight my urge to jump of tall places (like while waking across a bridge, sitting in an upper level of an arena, etc.).  I could picture doing it, and felt these physical sensations (anxiety of course) in relation to the thought so I fell in to the trap of believing I had to "fight" this urge OR ELSE.  What you are experiencing is utterly typical of OCD.

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Hi,

I have a few questions; they will probably sound weird or make no sense at all but I would like to know what they are and what all this means. So for the past couple of days the thoughts haven't bothered me at all. Nor the sensations that accompany the thoughts. It's quite the opposite actually. I feel a wave of calmness and excitement when I get the thoughts. It's a very weird experience and it freaks me out because apparently I'm not upset or worried anymore that I might be what my thoughts say. Also, the sensations I've mentioned. They feel like a natural thing and are always there when I have the thoughts. And like the thoughts, they don't bother me. Quite the contrary. It almost feels like I like them or that I need to feel them. 
If this is OCD, why does it feel so natural, normal, and even comfortable? Why does it change its shape and form every single day? I really don't understand. 

Thank you for reading this. 

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@dksea, @malina I'm sorry for being so persistent, but do you think it's still OCD when things feel/get very, very, very real? For example, it feels like I have some sort of attraction for my little brother. This has been going on for 3 days now. And the weirdest and craziest thing is it doesn't even bother me that much. It almost feels like I enjoy the feelings and they were meant to be there from the beginning. I'm not disgusted by the thoughts and feelings AT ALL. How and why is this happening? He is my brother! Can this still be OCD? Or has it evolved into something bad and disgusting, and I can't see it? 

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Hey Cora,

I think that Polar Bear is right, what you are doing now is seeking reassurance. I understand that you are trying to understand OCD and how it feels. However, you need to also realise that OCD will generate more doubt and questions - we told you that how you're feeling sounds a lot like OCD, but in your mind it generates a new question rather than peace of mind. I think you should take a deep breath and try to accept that we have already answered your question and try to take in that response. As a rule of thumb, it doesn't matter it feels real, very real or very very very real. OCD will make it feel as real as it possibly can. I'm more than happy to talk to you Cora, so please don't take this the wrong way. It's just that this reassurance seeking behaviour is also a big problem in OCD and it won't help you to keep doing it. 

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Thank you so much for your replies, @PolarBear and @malina. I know I'm looking for reassurance and I know that it can be frustrating to other people, and I apologise for that, but it's just so damn hard to believe that this is OCD and not reality. Everything seems natural and normal. I don't know how to describe it. The attraction gets more and more real every day. I'm so disgusting! And not just for feeling this attraction but also for not being bothered by its presence so much and for not fighting back...

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your replies, @PolarBear and @malina. I know I'm looking for reassurance and I know that it can be frustrating to other people, and I apologise for that, but it's just so damn hard to believe that this is OCD and not reality. Everything seems natural and normal. I don't know how to describe it. The attraction gets more and more real every day. I'm so disgusting! And not just for feeling this attraction but also for not being bothered by its presence so much and for not fighting back...

Honestly, it's not frustrating that you are seeking reassurance, I completely understand why you are doing that, but it isn't good for you. When you say you're not "fighting back", I think that you need to be aware that trying to fight the feeling will make it even stronger. The only way to make this go away is to engage with your therapy, to learn NOT to be bothered by the thoughts and to get on with your life. It's hard but with practice you can do it!

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5 hours ago, Cora said:

but it's just so damn hard to believe that this is OCD and not reality

Of course its hard, we get that, but if it wasn't hard, none of us would be here, OCD wouldn't exist.

You have every right to be frustrated and angry about it, but just being frustrated and angry (or whatever emotion you feel) isn't going to change anything.  Changing your situation requires taking action, but not just any action, the right actions.  What are the right actions?  

  • Reducing and eliminating compulsions
  • Challenging your anxieties
  • Learning to sit with fear and let it pass
  • Changing how you react to intrusive thoughts

Its not easy, but it doesn't take extreme skills either.  Patience and persistence are the key.
CBT is the best way to learn how to do these things, and its generally helpful if you have a professional like a therapist or psychologist to help coach you through it.  But in the end its going to be up to you to make the decisions and take the actions.

You can wait until you feel "sure" its OCD to make a change, but that "sure" feeling might not come.  Or you can choose to treat this as OCD, even if you aren't sure.  You don't need to KNOW its OCD to treat it like OCD and get the benefits of doing so

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Okay, so this is REAL! I am a child abuser and I am also attracted to children. If it ever was OCD, no traits of it it's left now. None. This is not OCD, but paedophilia.
I'm really sorry that you spent time of your life and talked to someone like me, offering great help. 

So my reasons for this conclusion are the following:

- about 3 or so days ago I kissed my brother on the cheek; but it wasn't a normal sister-brother kiss; it was with bad intentions because I kissed him only as a result of the sexual feelings (not just groinal) I was having at that moment. I know it was with bad intentions. This is not a case where you could say it's OCD's lies or something similar. It's true. It happened...
Also, I didn't feel bad afterwards. The feeling itself (after kissing him) felt nice and okay. I didn't see anything wrong with it; still don't know if I do even if I'm posting here about it. (This is a major clue that I'm attracted to kids, and apparently to my brother! And that I'm a chid abuser too! Sick!)
I didn't realise how bad it was/still is what I did until today when I read an article about real event OCD and guilt. Something from that article made me realise how terrible is what I did, and that I basically acted on an urge. It clearly wasn't a compulsion. I acted on an urge (+sexual thought)!!;

- the feelings of attraction for my brother, cousins or children I see on the street, in the movies and other different places, feel absolutely TRUE. I've never had to deal with such a monstrous thing before. Never! This has been going on for a week and a half. And it's so damn real that there is no way you could say this is OCD. I tried to reassure myself by saying that this is OCD, but it didn't work as it felt like proper denial. The feelings and urges are mine. They are 100% mine. A month ago I still was able to say that the I wasn't what my thoughts were saying. At this point in my life, I can honestly and sincerely say this is who I truly am. I am attracted to children. (This is another major clue that this is not OCD, but paedophilia);

- the feelings and urges I get feel normal to me. It also feels like I enjoy them. In addition, I don't seem to be bothered by them. Sometimes I even welcome them. (Again, another BIG clue!);

- sometimes I even get temptations in my body (well, at least, that's what those emotions feel to me) to sexually hurt my brother. And gain, I don't seem to be upset, sad or bothered by the presence of these temptations. It feels rather normal and natural to me. Sometimes I'm even very comfortable with these temptations. (It sounds crazy and disgusting but it's true, I promise);

- when I try and not pay attention to my thoughts and feelings it feels like denial. It's like I know I'm attracted to kids but I just don't want to admit it because if I do, I wouldn't know how to cope with it;

- I'm pretty sure there is a myriad of other reasons but I can't remember them clearly at the moment. 

Everything I've just said/written feels to me more like a confession of a (female) paedophile who just realised what her real sexual attraction is. I have no idea how I got in this situation but this is my true life now. To be honest I still have the hope that there still are people who won't agree with me regarding all this but how is that gonna help me if my attraction is real?!

I'm sorry for such a long post. And I'm sorry for being so disgusting, too. 

Also, if you think I need to go to the police in regards to me being inappropriate to my brother (who, by the way, is eight), or do something similar about it, please let me know. 

Thank you! 

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Hi Cora, 

16 minutes ago, Cora said:

Also, if you think I need to go to the police in regards to me being inappropriate to my brother (who, by the way, is eight), or do something similar about it, please let me know. 

First off. NOBODY is going to be reporting you to anybody. Because it is very clear from what you've written that the problem is one of misinterpreting your thoughts and jumping to incorrect conclusions. Typical OCD. 

We've not spoken before and I'm not familiar with what therapy you're receiving. Have you had any CBT sessions? Has anybody gone through it with you to show you where your interpretations are leading you down the wrong path? 

For example: 

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

This is not a case where you could say it's OCD's lies or something similar. It's true. It happened...

What 'happened' is you put an interpretation on something you did. 

It's not the kiss that's relevant here, or your thoughts and feelings at the time. What is relevant is how you gave it meaning in your thoughts afterwards.

Naturally you looked for a possible interpretation which fits best with your greatest fear. That's the obsessive part of OCD at play. But that doesn't mean you got the meaning right. 

Next you looked for evidence to support the interpration you feared/ found. You ruminated and read articles and convinced yourself the urges and thoughts meant what you initially decided they meant, taking this further interpretation as 'proof' you were right in the first place. That's the compulsive part of OCD having a field day with your imagination. 

Assuming the worst case scenario and then looking for evidence ('proof') that your initial assumption was correct is a totally natural way of thinking. The problems start when you ONLY consider your first 'reflex' assumption and ignore the many other ways of looking at it, overlooking the thousands of possible alternative meanings you could have given it. The alternatives don't scare you so you push them aside as if they don't exist or are 'untrue'. You cling to your assumption because it's the one that fires danger signals in your brain.

Our brains are designed to notice danger in order to take action, but they are also designed to consider more than one solution at a time and choose the best answer after considering ALL the options. 

OCD tells you that you've found the right answer ('the truth' ) without even acknowledging there are alternative meanings available to you, so it's anything but the best answer. If you struggle to step back and consider alternative meanings it's a sure sign that these thoughts are OCD. That's your cue to apply CBT and get back to the normal balance of reacting to potential danger where it truly exists but also not reacting to non-existant danger. 

Does that help you see how your thoughts are currently very much in the grip of OCD? 

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Thank you so, so much for your reply, snowbear! I really appreciate you taking time and effort to offer such great help!

I don't think I've received any CBT therapy. And I'm in doubt because the meetings with my therapist are mostly about talking about my feelings, emotions and the content of my thoughts. He is a great therapist but sometimes only talking about my OCD (if that's what it is) is not very helpful. He has taught me a few techniques and how to apply them in certain situations in order to deal with the thoughts/urges/emotions/feelings but sometimes it's terribly hard to apply them, and even remember what the techniques are, especially when everything I experience seems so damn true that you can't even distinguish between intrusive thoughts or real life/desire. 

Like the other advice I received on here, which I'm so thankful for, what you've said was very helpful, and made perfect sense. I will try and remember your words, especially in the hardest days.

I still feel guilty and confused. I don't really know who I am anymore, and that makes me feel like a fraud and a disgusting liar. I am probably exaggerating but that's me at the moment.

Also, and I know this will sound selfish but I feel quite bad because people haven't really replied to my latest post. I am very aware that people have their own lives and more important things to do than talking to me, but my mind is currently saying that people not responding to the post means they think I'm terrible, and thus I need to be punished in a way or another. I know this is very weird and completely selfish but I needed to get it off my chest. And I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, that wasn't my intention.

Again, I'm very thankful for your reply, snowbear! And I apologise for my weird post and for being selfish. 

Thank you and hope you are well! 

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Hey Cora,

First of all, I'm sorry that you had such a tough few days and that you're feeling so distressed. I don't want to respond to the specific situation you described because I think that on some level you are seeking reassurance ("To be honest I still have the hope that there still are people who won't agree with me regarding all this"). You write this because you want someone to tell you that it isn't true. That is completely understandable and I think anyone in your situation would do the same, but I also don't think it's going to help you overcome this. Please please please don't take this as a criticism, there is no blame here, it's just that you need to be aware of how you're handling your problem so that you can use more constructive methods. 

At the moment, all of this is one big jumble. You are being bombarded with horrible thoughts, horrible bodily feelings, horrible urges. Things you don't want but seem very real to you. You are engaging with them every single time - you panic, you believe them to be true, you analyse them, you think you're a horrible person. Your response is only intensifying your experience. The more that you believe that these thoughts are bad and harmful and the more you engage with them, the more frequently they will come. It's quite simple, your brain is wired to respond to danger and if you believe this is dangerous, your mind will keep the danger alerts coming.  Unfortunately, your mind and your emotions are working against you here. I completely understand this experience is incredibly overwhelming and that it's really hard to see past this and to stop yourself from engaging, but you can do it with baby steps and consistent effort. 

The first step is that you need to have trust in professionals. You have a diagnosis, you're seeing a therapist and you're actively talking to an OCD community. All of these are great steps you're taking, but you need to use these resources wisely and trust what everyone is telling you. Your mind wants to convince you that this isn't OCD, yet you have a lot of experienced people telling you that it is. Have faith in these people, they know what they are talking about. 

Second, you need to be aware that you are engaging in a lot of compulsions. These behaviours reinforce your OCD and make the problem worse. Just from your posts I can list a few compulsions that you are doing:

- seeking reassurance

- ruminating (you spend a lot of time analysing your thoughts, your reaction to them, what they mean etc)

- testing (you're checking your feelings when you are with your brother)

- blocking (you actively try to ignore the thoughts)

Gradually, you need to reduce these. I think you need to accept that the thoughts will come and you should allow them to come. The more you try to block them or the more you panic when you get them, the more often they will come. My therapist taught me one nice metaphor for dealing with intrusive thoughts:

Imagine that you are on the platform at a train station, you are standing near the edge waiting for your train to arrive. Then all of a sudden, a freight train comes along the tracks. It is fast and doesn't stop. Being so close to the edge of the platform, you feel the impact of the freight train - it shakes you and disorients you. How do you react?  You could jump on the tracks and try to stop the train, but that would only get you hurt. Alternatively, you can wait it outand the freight train will move past the platform and further along the tracks and you will regain your orientation and balance. 

Well in this metaphor you are the person on the platform and the freight train represents your intrusive thoughts/urges/bodily sensations. You need to accept that the thoughts are coming, because you can't really stop them from coming, like the person on the platform cannot stop the train from coming. Like the person on the platform, you feel confused, shaken and disoriented by them. However, if you just wait it out and hold your ground, the thoughts will pass like that train and you will regain your balance. 

This may or may not resonate with you, but this is exactly it. You have this disorder, you will get the thoughts. The best thing you can do is to not react, don't even try to ignore them, don't analyse them, don't analyse how you're feeling. Just do nothing and wait it out.

I hope this is a little bit helpful for you. I understand what you mean when you say that it's very hard to apply the strategies your therapist has taught you, but be aware that they won't help immediately. You have to keep doing them consistently. 

Therapy is a bit like exercise or weight loss. Not eating chocolate for one day won't make you lose weight, you have to stop eating chocolate for a few weeks or even months. Sorry that is a very sad analogy, who wants to live without chocolate? but you get my point.

Also one tip about therapy - don't feel afraid to be honest with your therapist. After all, their job is to help you and if you are finding a particular approach unhelpful, it's important to say that so you can adjust the plan.

Stay strong Cora! I know this is incredibly hard but you seem like a bright person and you'll get this figured out eventually, you just have to trust the professionals and put in the work!! 

 

Edited by malina
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Cora, if it's any consolation, I can really relate to that question of what do you do now. I've just suffered a horrific week and a half long anxiety episode with my OCD (a response, I think, to all that's going on) and today I've woken up feeling more myself than I have in a while. God willing, it stays that way. You want to just keep going but after something like that, which completely pulverised your mind? I get it. 

I know things are scary right now but don't forget, you can be scary yourself. You are a fantastic person who is dealing with all this stress and that makes you terrifying to your enemies! You can't be knocked down easily. And you have all of us. OCD can be frightening and isolating and downright distressing; it makes you feel alone. But you aren't alone; here we all are. :):hug:

C x

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi.
Hope you are all well and safe in these scary and unpredictable times.

Unfortunately, I'm back. And I apologise for this because I know I must try and post less about my problems, especially with the great help and advice I've been given every single time, but it's just too hard at the moment. 

It's nothing new, it's the same old problem; only with a few new traits. So I've noticed that the thoughts/emotions/feelings/urges are always there. The thing is that sometimes I think about them intentionally, then I realise that and ask myself why I did that. And when I do think about them on purpose it feels natural, it doesn't feel bizarre which scares me, not as much as I would want to, but it still scares me. In addition, it feels like thinking about them on purpose is something I need and like, or something that I can't ignore. 

Another thing that has been happening for the past 2 weeks is that whenever I have a thought like I will try and apply the techniques required for the recovery, and then I will be happy and fulfilled, my brain and body pair up and say But is that what you really want?/No, that's not true, you like this type of things, you want to act on your thoughts and urges, there's no doubt in that!/You are actually lying, you know you will be happy and fulfilled only if these thoughts come true. All these after-thoughts feel very true, and I know all thoughts feel true because they all come from the same place, but these specific ones feel powerful and unique. And when I try and ignore or disagree with them (I'm aware this is a compulsion) it feels like denial. My question is do you think these after-thoughts and feelings are as intrusive as the initial thought, or do you think they show the true reflection of my personality, especially if they feel real and powerful? 

Another thing I want to share with you, which happened about an hour ago, is that as I was with my brother in the living room and talking to him (not relevant but we were talking why he was picking at his skin; I'm a bit concerned about that as he has been doing it for quite a long time now and it looks serious to me), I kissed him on the cheek twice, and then I got a thought mixed with feelings and an urge to touch him sexually. I'm sorry for the details and how disgusting it sounds but it actually happened. Now, what scares me the most is not the thought but the feelings and the urge. In that moment, it felt like what I thought and felt had to happen. It still feels like it has to happen when I think about it. Before this short, weird moment occurred, I was feeling quite happy in terms of OCD (not with life in general), but now I'm back in bed, sad and ruminating. I was going to do some nice, relaxing stuff later but now I can't do them anymore because I feel guilty. Right now I'm in a moment where no matter how hard I try, I just can't comprehend that this is OCD. 

I've been dealing with guilt and shame lately, not as much as before but still, regarding all the moments involving my brother. I'm pretty sure I've acted on impulses as I've kissed and hugged him as a result of sexual feelings and urges. I've read articles about people with impulse control disorder and I'm scared that that's what I actually suffer with, and not OCD. Also, I feel like I need to confess to everyone, epically my parents and boyfriend, about all those moments, but I'm too scared to do so because of the details, which are mainly feelings that felt (still do if I think about them) nice and enjoyable (ew! but true) and of course the impulse itself. I'm also scared that I will have to go to prison for acting on these impulses and hurting my brother. I so wish there were easy ways to find out if what I have is OCD, impulse control disorder, or, even worse, paedophilia. 

I'm sorry for another long post, and I know that there are currently much worse and more terrifying problems in the world, where thousands of people die every day, but I just felt like I had to share all this.

Thank you for reading this and please take care and stay safe! 

 

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Hey Cora,

first off, don't be sorry for posting! It's nice to hear how you're doing and if you're struggling you should ask for help. I think there is a difference between asking for reassurance and asking for support. It sounds like you have been making some progress, from your post you sound a bit less panicked than before which is good to see. 

47 minutes ago, Cora said:

Another thing that has been happening for the past 2 weeks is that whenever I have a thought like I will try and apply the techniques required for the recovery, and then I will be happy and fulfilled, my brain and body pair up and say But is that what you really want?/No, that's not true, you like this type of things, you want to act on your thoughts and urges, there's no doubt in that!/You are actually lying, you know you will be happy and fulfilled only if these thoughts come true. All these after-thoughts feel very true, and I know all thoughts feel true because they all come from the same place, but these specific ones feel powerful and unique. And when I try and ignore or disagree with them (I'm aware this is a compulsion) it feels like denial. My question is do you think these after-thoughts and feelings are as intrusive as the initial thought, or do you think they show the true reflection of my personality, especially if they feel real and powerful? 

This is a feeling that I can relate to a lot, in fact I was feeling something quite similar just now about my own intrusive thoughts. The feeling that it HAS to happen, it seems to true and real. I feel a similar way about getting better too because the intrusive thoughts themselves are so strong, they sometimes feel more powerful than the desire to feel better and to overcome this. You just have to remember that this is just like any other intrusive thought, it feels very real and powerful in the moment, but it will go away. Although, if you allow yourself to fixate on it, to ruminate and to be upset, it will take a lot more time for it to go away. Next time you feel like this, just use the train analogy, remind yourself that this is fleeting and that in a different moment in time, you will feel differently again. You don't need to fight this feeling, you don't need to convince yourself that it isn't true. Just let it be, it will pass. 

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

I've read articles about people with impulse control disorder and I'm scared that that's what I actually suffer with, and not OCD.

The worst thing you can do is read about different disorders and self diagnose. Just from how you write alone, you don't sound like a person who is impulsive or out of control. In fact, you seem to be a very conscientious person! 

55 minutes ago, Cora said:

Also, I feel like I need to confess to everyone, epically my parents and boyfriend, about all those moments, but I'm too scared to do so because of the details, which are mainly feelings that felt (still do if I think about them) nice and enjoyable (ew! but true) and of course the impulse itself. I'm also scared that I will have to go to prison for acting on these impulses and hurting my brother. I so wish there were easy ways to find out if what I have is OCD, impulse control disorder, or, even worse, paedophilia. 

Confession - another compulsion. You don't have to confess to anyone, you haven't done anything wrong and you're suffering a lot as it is. If you think that your family and boyfriend could be understanding and provide you support, it's of course fine to tell them, but don't do it because you feel you have to confess. 

Getting better takes work everyday, applying these techniques you've been learning is something you have to do every day until you get better and then you have to continue doing them so that you can stay healthy. It's tough but I think you're starting to do what you need to do, now you just have to understand that results won't come immediately, you have to keep working on it. 

Best of luck Cora, I hope you're staying safe too!

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Thank you so much @malina for you reply. You're so kind and nice! I am so thankful for your continuous support and help. I really appreciate it and I think you are an amazing person! And I hope you're not struggling too much with your OCD, but if you do, I really hope you kick its ass and don't let it make you suffer. 

Thank you again! 

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2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much @malina for you reply. You're so kind and nice! I am so thankful for your continuous support and help. I really appreciate it and I think you are an amazing person! And I hope you're not struggling too much with your OCD, but if you do, I really hope you kick its ass and don't let it make you suffer. 

Thank you again! 

? No worries Cora! Take care of yourself! 

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Hello.
Hope you are doing okay today. I apologise for being back so soon. I hope it's not too annoying. And I also apologise beforehand for the details mentioned below.

I feel confused and not very great at the moment. Yesterday I was talking to my aunt via WhatsApp, and my baby cousin, who is a year and 7 months old, was next to her. However, because he was about to be given a bath, he wasn't wearing any clothes. Seeing him naked my body reacted. It wasn't even a groinal response or (false) attraction. Just a reaction that I didn't know how to interpret. I can't even say if I felt bad while having the reaction. I know I felt guilty afterwards, but that doesn't mean too much to me (especially when paedophiles feel guilty as well about their thoughts and feelings/sensation/bodily reactions). After my aunt hung up I started ruminating for a bit because I was confused with the reaction and the feelings it brought. (I know that was a compulsion, but at that moment the way I felt didn't look like OCD at all, it actually felt, again, real and normal; to be honest, it still doesn't look like OCD). The rumination caused me to feel weird. However, after some time I manged to occupy my mind with something else. It was about intimate things with my boyfriend. My body reacted again, but that time I enjoyed the reactions. (I'm really, really sorry for the details!). In the morning, when I woke up, I was more than convinced that I had the intimate thoughts and reactions about my boyfriend as a result of having the reaction from seeing my cousin without clothes. I tried really hard to remember why I decided to have the intimate thoughts about my boyfriend but I couldn't remember, I just couldn't. There was no proof that I didn't do it because of the initial reaction. Why can't I remember why I did it? Did I repress it that badly? 

As I'm typing this I feel disgusting, and I don't know how to accept the reality. He is my baby cousin, how and why do I have these reactions?! This is clearly not normal.
I told my boyfriend what happened, and asked him if he found it weird; he said he did not. But he was being biased so I don't truly believe him. A part of me strongly believes that he actually finds it weird and sick, and I completely agree with that. I also shared what happened with my mum. She seemed confused and a bit disgusted, which makes perfect sense. She even said Why would you ever have these reactions and sensations when he is only a child?! And I didn't have the answer for that question. Still don't have it. I'm really sorry for my parents and boyfriend because they have to deal with so much mess. 

I feel like what happened yesterday is more proof that this is not OCD. In addition to that, I also struggle with false attraction (but I'm convinced it's real attraction no matter how hard I try to tell myself it's not). When I'm on youtube or instagram and see pictures or video thumbnails with children, I can actually feel that I'm attracted to them, and their faces... I can't believe it can get this far.

There's even more things to add. When I want to be productive and work on my assignments, I can't do it. And the reason is not that I'm distracted by the thoughts , but the fact that it feels like I would rather have the thoughts, ruminate and analyse than do work. It almost feels like I enjoy the thoughts, the process of ruminations and even suffering! It's weird and makes no sense. Someone with OCD would definitely rather do the work then sit on the floor and have the thoughts. 

I feel miserable, and the quarantine isn't helping either. I don't know why I have these weird reactions. All I know is that I just want to be normal and not to be attracted to my brother, cousins or any other children. I don't see any future for myself, maybe just in jail for being a sex offender. I apologise if this is triggering, but the only way out I can currently see is suicide. I already have a picture in my head of how I (will) kill myself once I've successfully moved out in my own place. Sometimes, knowing that I can do this gives me strength and power to survive through the day. Maybe I'm exaggerating and making myself look like a huge victim but it's absolutely true. 

I appreciate it if you've made it this far. 
Thank you in advance and hope the rest of your day goes well. 

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7 hours ago, Cora said:

Just a reaction that I didn't know how to interpret.

There's the problem in a nutshell, Cora. You tried to interpret something which needed no interpretation. It's only because you went looking for a meaning that you got your thoughts in a tangle.

Next time just let it pass without looking for meaning in your body's response or your thoughts. If you're aware of a response, simply make a mental note that it doesn't matter and let it go. 

 

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Hey Cora,

I think snowbear makes an excellent point, you are the one who is trying to give meaning to something completely meaningless. You decided to connect two separate things (the feeling of seeing your baby cousin and the thoughts about your boyfriend) but that doesn't mean they are connected at all in reality.

One thing I never understand is when people say "it doesn't feel like OCD". How can you possibly know that? You can't know what other sufferers of OCD are experiencing. You can read their descriptions, but you can't know how it really feels to them. So to say that it doesn't look like OCD at all is quite a big claim, especially when other sufferers of OCD have read your descriptions of how you feel and have come back to tell you that it really does sound like OCD. I completely understand that these feelings seem very real and natural to you, but they do to every sufferer. So next time you experience one of these sensations and you think that it's absolutely not OCD, just try to remember that you don't actually know what OCD feels like for anyone but yourself. I can't make you believe that you have OCD, but at least try to see that your certainty about it not being OCD is based on flawed logic. 

I also think it's very normal to have intimate thoughts when you're going through a hard time. It's just something that makes you feel good at a time when you're feeling really bad. Sure, you're right that there is no proof that it wasn't about your reaction to your cousin, but there is no proof that it was either. You are trying to establish a link and you're trying to prove something that is unprovable. How can anyone have proof as to why they had a thought? 

It's also a shame that your mum reacted in the way she did. I don't mean to criticise her at all, it just sounds like she doesn't really understand OCD. Do your parents know that you have a diagnosis? It can be quite hard, my parents had no idea about OCD when I was diagnosed and they couldn't understand at all. When I told my dad how much my thoughts frightened me his response was "stop thinking about it then!", as if it were so simple. It took time and a lot of talking to make them understand, but we are in a good place now. I don't know how much your parents know about this and if they may be willing to learn a bit more so that they can support you. It sounds like you have a nice family, but only you can know how they may react. 

You may think that there is no way out of this, but you're at the very beginning of your journey and you have barely tried all of the other ways of dealing with this. I'm sorry if that is insensitive, I don't mean to say that you are not trying, what I mean is that you are very young and you have just started treatment. There is a lot to learn and you're only at the beginning. When I first started experiencing this, I tried a million different ways to fight my thoughts, I tried to ignore them, to fight them, to negotiate with them and all of it was wrong and they just didn't stop. It was so frustrating but, with experience, I started to learn what worked and what didn't. It was partly trial and error and partly education and therapy. Getting better is not easy, but you only have this one life so you have to try. It sounds like you have many positive things in your life, you have a nice family, a boyfriend who cares about you, you're going to uni (if I remember correctly...). These are all a credit to you and your character and life has so much to offer you. Also, you definitely won't end up in prison for having unusual thoughts!

You can do this. Just by reading your posts, I can see that you are learning. You are starting to recognise compulsions, which is a big step. You're also trying to find ways of distracting yourself to stop these compulsions. It won't always work, but you just have to keep going. 

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Hi malina and snowbear, 
Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your help.  

I know it doesn't make too much sense (or maybe no sense at all) when someone, including me, says that what they are going through doesn't feel/seem like OCD; I know it sounds rather silly. But the thing is when what you experience feels completely true and natural, just like any other feeling or thought you experience during the day, such as feelings of love for your boyfriend, feelings of excitement when you have a nice meal or get your parcel, which you've been waiting for ages, finally delivered, and so on, the only thing that comes to mind is that the  feeling/thought you're worried about is just no different than the myriad feelings you experience in different situations and circumstances. And if it feels normal, you tell yourself that this means that it's part of who you actually are, which you are so desperately scared of. (I'm sorry if this is confusing or makes no sense.) And it's even worse when you get thoughts and urges like I think I like this feeling; I think it would be okay to act on this thought; I need to act on this thought!; This doesn't bother me anymore, and much more.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I said, and probably won't stop saying it for a while, that it doesn't feel like OCD because the feelings and thoughts are just as normal as the other ones, maybe even more powerful, and I can't prove that it is not a component of your true self (and I don't think anyone else can).

One thing I would like to add though is that maybe people say that it doesn't feel like OCD because they are struggling to accept that they are indeed suffering from OCD, so they keep looking for evidence everywhere to show themselves and other people that they are on the completely opposite side of the spectrum. I mean, I know that is what I've been doing for the past 3 months or so; it's been so hard to trust other people's opinions, even though I'm so grateful for each advice, kind word, reply and minute of attention I've received. And it's not that I don't want to trust their opinions, I do want to, I do very much, but it's like I just can't let myself believe that I have a problem called OCD, it seems that there is enough evidence to show that the problem is actually called paedophilia, or something similar. 

I linked having the intimate thoughts about my boyfriend with the sensation I felt when seeing my cousin with no clothes on, because before having the intimate thoughts there was a moment where it felt like I could enjoy acting on my sexual thoughts regarding children and also the sensation seemed quite enjoyable too. I don't know. This is all very confusing, and it seems like I can't explain it if I try (as you can tell by this nonsense) but in my head it all makes sense and I'm fairly certain that it's true.

My parents do not know that I have OCD, and I'm not planning on telling them because I'm more than convinced that they will not understand. They are not very aware of mental health and its importance, and me trying to explain to them that my mental health is not the greatest as well as the reasons for that would be way too difficult. It's not their fault, they grew up in a time where people never talked about mental health. Plus I'm pretty sure they've never heard about OCD so I'm scared they'll think I'm crazy and disgusting or something like that, especially if they find out about my thoughts regarding my brother. 

I know you can't go to prison for having certain thoughts, that would be completely irrational, but I didn't mean going to prison for the thoughts but for acting on impulses and hurting my brother. It bothers me a lot that I kissed and touched him as a result of having sexual thoughts and sensations/urges; the guilt it there every single day and there is nothing I can do at his point.

I know the following question might not have an answer but why when I used to have (sexual) thoughts about my dad, I just couldn't wait to get rid of them and the stress and sadness they brought with them, and now when I have thoughts about my brother and/or other children, sometimes I want them there? Why is that happening? I find it really weird, and I'm not trying to be annoying but to me this is one of the major factors that shows that my problem is not OCD. 

I'm sorry for this long post, and to be honest most of it sounds stupid, but I will still post it because this is how I feel at the moment.
Thank you again for all your help and support. Also, I don't want you to think that I'm not listening to your advice. I do, and I think it's great. But it's a bit hard to apply in real life what I'm learning from you when I struggle to accept that this might be OCD, and when there is constant guilt too. 

Hope you have a good and peaceful night. 

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5 minutes ago, Cora said:

it doesn't feel like OCD because the feelings and thoughts are just as normal as the other ones

Of course they feel like your 'normal' thoughts and feelings. They are exactly the same in the sense that they ARE just thoughts and feelings. 

What makes it OCD is the way you react to them. 

Say you have a thought, 'I've run out of milk, I must buy some more.' Your heart might skip a beat at that moment, but because buying milk isn't a scary issue for you the skipped heartbeat goes unnoticed and the thought passes through your head without an emotional reaction. 

However, when the thought is 'I could be a pedophile' that scares you. So you react.  You start trying to work out why you had such a thought when you know deep down it's at odds with who you are. The harder you try to find an explanation the more your brain goes into hyperdrive. You start to notice every twitch and physical reaction in your body. You associate the physical reactions with the thought and interpret it as evidence the thought has validity. You feel compelled to resolve the fear (the feeling something is at odds) by testing your reactions or thinking about the thought more in an attempt to solve the puzzle. Every result you discover is interpreted according to the rule, 'Best to play it safe and assume this is further evidence that what I fear is true. That way I can't be caught off-guard.' And there you go - round and round the OCD cycle - thought> fear > compulsion > interpretation> further thoughts > increased fear> more compulsions...

OCD will always latch onto something where you fear the consequences of the thought/feeling being true. The bigger the consequences seem to you the stronger the OCD reaction will be.

Shame and guilt in particular fuel the reaction because the social consequences attached to these emotions are typically huge. (You imagine socially devastating consequences such as rejection by your family, going to prison, being outcast.)

To break the cycle you have to take the leap of faith and trust the thought really was just a random thought like buying milk, that it was your reaction which made it seem important.

Then stop doing compulsions like analysing, ruminating, looking for evidence, testing yourself, looking for things to prove/disprove whatever it is. At first this will make you feel anxious and unsettled because there's this HUGE ISSUE' in your life and you're making no attempt to resolve it. But after a while your brain realises you've stopped reacting and relabels the thought as 'not such a huge issue after all, SAFE to forget it'. And the OCD cycle is broken. 

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