Bit of a ramble

[don't know]

Hi, I'm sorry to be posting again, I know people won't be happy to see me back here. I've tried to not post on here and many times I have nearly posted. It's been a really bad month. Also, I'm sorry if this turns into one big rant and makes no sense. I know nobody cares. It's the same old from me.

I posted on Christmas Day about how I felt as though my fears had come true. It's been like that ever since and before then. 

January has just been, I don't know what exactly. I guess I would describe it as the time I really gave up. I woke up in the morning after having dreams that confirmed my fears and then living everyday life knowing that I'm really this person. I repeatedly tell myself that all of this is true and I feel no anxiety from it whatsoever, I go on these sites and see myself in those other stories and its like I never really knew myself. It's as though I had just repressed this side of myself and didn't know until many years later. I don't care about anything anymore. I get all these feelings/arousals like I want these things and like it's actually me; like its my nature. I don't even feel scared typing that out. I feel as though the reason I ever panicked about those things in the first place was because of what other people might think - not whether I wanted them or not. If I could I would erase them but I can't.  It also feels like if I'm in a room with other people I think to myself 'you were the one who was supposed to be a deviant/of course it had to be you.'  I don't recognise the girl I once was. It feels like everything I thought was true about myself was me deluding myself not fully knowing that I was doing that. I actually tell myself that all of this makes sense and I see no one else say things like this when it comes to OCD. I feel like deep down this is who I am and I don't care anymore. I gave up on my lifelong goals (or what I was working towards/I don't even like saying that it seems stupid), I wasn't good enough so I gave it up. I don't know why I posted that but I've just given up on everything because I don't know who I am anymore. I honestly don't want to get to know myself as this other person. But that's how it is. 

It's like I have nothing much else to say (nothing that makes sense anyway) but I feel like I just needed to talk. 

Again, I'm sorry for posting and being confusing with this post. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by don't know
errors

[paradoxer]

I don't know either, I doubt anyone does. 

[Cora]

Hi, don't know
I've been reading your posts and I can see how much you've been struggling. And it's a shame really because you clearly don't deserve it. Instead, I think you deserve a happy and normal life. 
I know my opinion is probably not important or relevant but I believe you could use some professional help. And I know, from what I've read, that it hasn't been the best experience from your life. But I think you should keep trying. There is clearly someone out there that would be happy to help you.

I'm really sorry that you have to go through all of this, but I also hope you'll manage to find the strength to fight and make OCD look like a big, big fool. 

Wish you the best of luck!

[dksea]

On 04/02/2020 at 08:06, don't know said:

Hi, I'm sorry to be posting again, I know people won't be happy to see me back here. I've tried to not post on here and many times I have nearly posted. It's been a really bad month.

DK, I am sorry to see that you are still struggling. Thats the only concern I have ever had, that you are unhappy and in pain.  While our methods may seem harsh at times, the goal is and has always been to try and help you.  
 

On 04/02/2020 at 08:06, don't know said:

I know nobody cares.

Trust me, we care, if we didn't care, we wouldn't take the time to respond to you
 

On 04/02/2020 at 08:06, don't know said:

If I could I would erase them but I can't.  It also feels like if I'm in a room with other people I think to myself 'you were the one who was supposed to be a deviant/of course it had to be you.'  I don't recognise the girl I once was. It feels like everything I thought was true about myself was me deluding myself not fully knowing that I was doing that. I actually tell myself that all of this makes sense and I see no one else say things like this when it comes to OCD. I feel like deep down this is who I am and I don't care anymore.

If you truly didn't care, you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be posting this. You DO care.  You are unhappy, you are struggling.  The struggle may be different than it was before, but its still clear you are not happy with where you are.  I really really really really believe that you need to talk to a trained professional, regardless of what your true nature or true problem (or problems) are, trying to figure this out on your own isn't working.  You not only need help you DESERVE help.  You deserve to be ok again.  I can't encourage you strongly enough to pursue mental health help.
 

On 04/02/2020 at 08:06, don't know said:

 I gave up on my lifelong goals (or what I was working towards/I don't even like saying that it seems stupid), I wasn't good enough so I gave it up.

Even if your worst fears are true, it doesn't mean you can't achieve meaningful goals in life.  It doesn't mean you can't be happy.  Again, please, I urge you, to seek out professional help.  You don't have to keep suffering like this, there is hope.

[helen10937]

[malina]

DK, I'm sorry that you're still in so much pain. I think the overwhelming consensus here, from pretty much everyone that has read and replied to your posts, is that you need help. 

Also, we do care, so much more than you realise. It's just that we're watching you continue on this path that is leading nowhere good and are worried. So sometimes harsh words seem like the only way to make someone realise that their way isn't right. That doesn't mean you're not welcome or that people don't want to hear your problems. 

Edited February 5, 2020 by malina

[Closed for repairs]

3 hours ago, malina said:

DK, I'm sorry that you're still in so much pain. I think the overwhelming consensus here, from pretty much everyone that has read and replied to your posts, is that you need help. 

Also, we do care, so much more than you realise. It's just that we're watching you continue on this path that is leading nowhere good and are worried. So sometimes harsh words seem like the only way to make someone realise that their way isn't right. That doesn't mean you're not welcome or that people don't want to hear your problems. 

I haven't posted because I honestly don't know what I could say that would help.

But what @malina, says above,

Puts it very well.

[don't know]

Cora - thank you for your reply, that was really nice of you to say. I appreciate it.

Dksea, I've never thought that your methods were harsh in any way. You and others have always been really kind in replying/posting long detailed posts and I'm grateful for that. It's like what's the point? It's not like I'm figuring it out anymore, its just something I have to deal with (again how many times have I said that) 

Malina - again, I've never thought you were harsh in any way. You, like Dksea were always kind enough to post. 

Closed, I completely understand I don't fit in here and I wouldn't know what to say someone like me either. Its stupid that I'm still on this site. It was just a really low point and it was my last option - even though that sounds really pathetic (it is). So again I'm sorry to have posted again. 

 

 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You shouldn't frame it as nobody cares

[don't know]

I'm sorry for posting again but it's the same old from me to the joys of people on this forum.

I had a medical exam last week and whilst it was happening I felt constantly aroused and it wasn't like "I hope this doesn't happen" it just happened. I walked out and just felt defeated (I question whether I actually felt like that). I had a class a couple of hours after and I was just in this haze, wasn't taking anything in because I kept on thinking about how its all true. It's another thing to add onto this growing list of reasons why i am a deviant. After the exam I was referred to for more tests and turns out I could have a chronic condition,I was shocked when I found this out and I immediately went and reviewed my entire life but there was this feeling inside that this wasn't right. I looked up the symptoms and didn't feel like I had any apart from two. I then stopped myself because I was like I'm in denial right now, I'm not accepting something thats going to be with me for the rest of my life. I then panicked because I thought I'm constantly in denial about everything and I don't know how to cope. I actually don't know who I am - well I do I just dont like it. 

I then read something that made me have a panic attack in relation to my primary fears (incest) and I completely lost it. 

[paradoxer]

Is that so? 

[malina]

4 hours ago, don't know said:

I'm sorry for posting again but it's the same old from me to the joys of people on this forum.

I had a medical exam last week and whilst it was happening I felt constantly aroused and it wasn't like "I hope this doesn't happen" it just happened. I walked out and just felt defeated (I question whether I actually felt like that). I had a class a couple of hours after and I was just in this haze, wasn't taking anything in because I kept on thinking about how its all true. It's another thing to add onto this growing list of reasons why i am a deviant. After the exam I was referred to for more tests and turns out I could have a chronic condition,I was shocked when I found this out and I immediately went and reviewed my entire life but there was this feeling inside that this wasn't right. I looked up the symptoms and didn't feel like I had any apart from two. I then stopped myself because I was like I'm in denial right now, I'm not accepting something thats going to be with me for the rest of my life. I then panicked because I thought I'm constantly in denial about everything and I don't know how to cope. I actually don't know who I am - well I do I just dont like it. 

I then read something that made me have a panic attack in relation to my primary fears (incest) and I completely lost it. 

Well DK I think that you are the opposite of being in denial. You are really trying hard to convince yourself and all of us that you are a sexual deviant. You are making lists of reasons why it's true. People are desperately trying to tell you that it isn't true and you keep arguing that it is. You're not even in denial about your chronic condition, you're just trying to understand it and you're not seeing all of the symptoms.

In fact - you have been diagnosed with this condition and yet it somehow doesn't feel right, but the tests have obviously shown that it is. This is exactly how you treat your OCD diagnosis. I mean sorry DK but are you a doctor or what?

I'm sorry you've been diagnosed with a health condition though, I hope you're getting good help for it whatever it is!

[dksea]

14 hours ago, don't know said:

It's another thing to add onto this growing list of reasons why i am a deviant.

No, its another thing to add on to the growing list that you need help.  You are ignoring many other possible explanations.  You are not in a good place to be able to judge the evidence properly.  Its like asking someone with terrible vision to describe a scene after you take away their glasses.  It would be foolish for them to behave with certainty about what they see.  They KNOW that their vision is bad.  Its the same mistake for you to trust yourself with being able to diagnose your problems right now.  You aren't able to see clearly.  

 

 

14 hours ago, don't know said:

I then panicked because I thought I'm constantly in denial about everything and I don't know how to cope.

This is why you need to see a mental health professional, you don't know how to cope, but there are people whose job it is, whose profession in life it is, to help you learn how to cope, to help you deal with and even overcome this situation.  If you're leg was broken you wouldn't sit around and say "I should just sit here and suffer because I don't know how to fix a broken leg", you. would say "Please take me to a doctor who can help fix my leg!"

[don't know]

The only thing is I hate all of this stuff, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true and I've spent most of last week going through people who's fears came true. It's really complicated still, again I came across something else and I just had a panic attack. I just feel so sick. I don't see how this can get better at all. Thanks for your comment, it sucks but I shouldn't complain. 

 

[dksea]

2 hours ago, don't know said:

The only thing is I hate all of this stuff, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true

True, hating something does not necessarily mean its not true, but it does make it less likely to be true.  Also, the same "doesn't mean it isn't true" applies to all the situations you have cited that you claim prove it IS true that its not OCD.  Not a single one is definitive, they are all very very subjective.
 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

I've spent most of last week going through people who's fears came true.

This is called confirmation bias.  If you look for stories of people whose fears came true, you are going to find people whose fears came true.  That is, after all, what you are trying to find.  Further, who is likely to post more? People who were afraid and had their fear come true (and thus are affected by it), or people who were afraid, what they feared didn't happen, and so they got on with their lives?  Have you conducted or reviewed a scientific study that compared people whose fears came true vs. those whose fears did not come true?  Unless thats the case, then you don't actually have proof one way or the other.

Of course fears CAN come true, if they didn't no one would fear anything.  We fear things because they are possible, however remote that possibility they may be.  A person can fear having a heart attack, fear getting cancer, fear losing their job, etc.  All of those things are things that happen, things that DO come true.  But fearing something does not mean it WILL come true or even IS true now.  I have, at multiple times in my OCD life, had the fear that I was or was becoming diabetic.  I could point to this or that situation or symptom that seemed to support it.  Maybe I was excessively thirsty one day, or it seemed like I was going to the bathroom a lot another day.  I might sometimes think I felt "weird" after eating certain sugary foods, etc.  Looking for these symptoms and possible symptoms was fueling my anxiety.  I feared something could be true, I didn't want it to be true, I could find (or thought I could find) "evidence" that showed it must be true.  Yet here I am, years later, and I have never once tested even remotely positive for the warning factors of diabetes.  (the test results are part of my routine annual health check up, not compulsive testing for OCD reasons).  Fear? Check.  Possibly coming true? Check.  Comes true for people who fear it sometimes? Check.  I believed I had "evidence"? Check.  Yet it didn't turn out to be true.  Fortunately the ability to objectively test AND the CBT effort I put in to recovery from this particular intrusive thought helped me overcome it.  I know there is no objective test where they can draw your blood and say "nope, not incestuous", that would certainly be nice (though as I have found even objective tests don't necessarily help).

Looking for people whose fears came true will always lead you to find that.  But again, it doesn't mean its likely, or always true.  Doing so is a compulsion and it won't help you recover.  You really really really should work with a trained mental health professional.  You deserve that support, you deserve to get your life back on track and start enjoying it again, working towards goals that you want to.  Continuing down the same path is not going to lead you to happiness or relief I fear.  It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

[malina]

Why do you read this stuff if it gives you panic attacks? What is the point? These are the stories of other people, they tell you absolutely nothing about yourself or your own situation. 

[Cora]

DK, I'm so sorry you are still suffering and struggling. I know it's gonna sound weird and maybe even cheesy but it hurts me to see how much pain you're making yourself to go through. I don't know you but I really believe you are an amazing person, and I really believe you don't deserve all this pain. It's way, way too much pain for you! But only you can change it! Well, of course, with a bit of help. You have to do something and start changing the way you're living your life at the moment. 
I really hope you find the strength to fight your OCD and stop hurting yourself. I know it's easier said than done, and I also know that you are aware of this already, but if you don't start taking the right actions right now, this whole situation is going to get much worse and you're gonna suffer even more!

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can manage to get better. 

[malina]

On 10/03/2020 at 13:11, Cora said:

DK, I'm so sorry you are still suffering and struggling. I know it's gonna sound weird and maybe even cheesy but it hurts me to see how much pain you're making yourself to go through. I don't know you but I really believe you are an amazing person, and I really believe you don't deserve all this pain. It's way, way too much pain for you! But only you can change it! Well, of course, with a bit of help. You have to do something and start changing the way you're living your life at the moment. 
I really hope you find the strength to fight your OCD and stop hurting yourself. I know it's easier said than done, and I also know that you are aware of this already, but if you don't start taking the right actions right now, this whole situation is going to get much worse and you're gonna suffer even more!

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can manage to get better. 

Really well said, Cora

[don't know]

Hi, sorry I hadn't replied, to be honest I'm scared to post on the forum. But, it's been another awful couple of months. That's a really awful thing for me to say because there's lots of people suffering right now with the COVID situation, or just general anxiety about the lockdown. I hope you guys are all keeping safe and my heart goes out to you. 

(Replies to the post):

I don't know because I feel as though if there's a chance, it's me. I'm so similar to a person who would be in denial about being into this type of stuff, it's ridiculous. I understand what you're trying to say but if I use the technique about looking at how likely my fear is to come true, it's 98% true. I have this mental list and after all this time, it's still happening. These reactions just happen. It's not like I pay too much attention that they end up happening, it just does. Its the combination of all these arousals, hardly any thoughts, no anxiety, just general hopelessness that points me in that direction. It doesn't even scare me. I just have this 'of course' attitude. The 2% comes from wishful thinking that this could be OCD, but I see this as being highly unlikely. I've spent months trying to see how I deal with all of this being my reality. I look up 'how to cope when your fear comes true.' They always say something along the lines of it's never as bad as you think or acceptance, or you can deal with it. Well, I've accepted it and it's truly as bad as I imagined it to be, of course it is. Also, how can I deal with being a deviant?  Also my life was **** before all of this happened. Everything constantly failed for me. I've just been so depressed. I have nothing to look forward to or work towards whatsoever. It's so selfish of me to come on here and complain especially with so many people suffering right now. I'm just an awful person. There's no point. No one around me has ever gone after their goals. No one (around me) likes their job or their life really, why should I? To me, people who achieve that stuff or any type of happiness are extremely lucky. I just don't see anything being worth it. 

But they do, they show me that's the person I am.

It feels like I've exhausted all my options and there's no hope. I don't see how my situation can get any worse. It has been like this for a very long time. I have no energy anymore and I haven't in a long time 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by don't know

[Cora]

Hi don't know, it's good to hear from you, but I'm really sorry you're still struggling and suffering so much. 

I'm in no position to give you any advice as I'm struggling quite a bit myself at the moment, but what I can tell you is that you're not alone in this. Good or bad, I have been experiencing some of the symptoms you've mentioned above, such as no anxiety, arousal or sensations that come without testing and feel completely normal, and continuous battle over why this could be OCD and/or why this could be the opposite thing on the axis. I'm not gonna lie, when I've read your post, finding so many similarities between the symptoms you experience and the ones I do made me stop and think that I could be in denial too. It was a really scary moment, and for a couple of seconds it seemed that it was the truth/answer I've been chasing for so long. So I completely understand what you're going through, and how terrible this whole situation is. (Not to worry though, your post wasn't a trigger or anything as moments like this happened to me a lot of times before.)
I know it's hard but please try and choose to believe that this could/might be OCD and nothing else. Jus try. You probably already tried, and because it hasn't worked out as you expected you gave up. But you have to keep trying. Every single day. I know it's hypocritical for me to say this when I struggle myself to do so, but it hurts so much to see that you're going through all this pain when you shouldn't. And I mean it when I say it hurts. Maybe now that you know you're not alone in this you can rethink your decisions regarding OCD and you can start the process of recovery, even though it might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. 

I again apologise if I seem hypocritical, and you don't have to listen to anything I've said, but please think about how long you've been suffering and whether you want to keep living like this or just take a leap of faith, as hard as it is, and go trough the process of recovery so you can have a happier life. Again, I'm really sorry that you're still suffering and hope you find the strength to stand up and say: 'Enough! I've suffered way too much and now it's finally time for a change!' 

Please be kind to yourself and take care! 

[don't know]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that part of my post upset you, it truly wasn't my intention. I hope you're feeling better now and that you're doing okay. I'm also sorry to hear what you're going through. 

Yesterday was strange because I kind of woke up in a better mood. It felt like I knew myself again. There would be parts of the day where it would come up again and then I would just become depressed. I came across a post on another OCD forum (not this one) in which somebodies OCD fear came true and it made me feel sick to my stomach. It's not anything I worry about but I just felt so horrible that it happened to the person who had posted. It broke my heart. I also came across another 'trigger' (feel stupid for writing that) and I still feel sick from seeing it. It involved somebody who had lived a lie to the point they didn't recognise it and I just lost it. It's like there's only one direction for me. I keep thinking 'maybe it's not so bad' but the fact that I think this means I've been this person all along, that all of these things were signs or my gut telling me that this is my truth. I tick every box for this fear of being a deviant, I have these thoughts and arousals etc. There's no point. I don't want to go on, I know I've been saying that for a long time. It's so obvious that it would happen to me. It's like everything inside me is screaming 'TOLD YOU SO!' over and over again. What the hell did I know about myself? Nothing. Treatment wouldn't have done anything for me, it would've emphasised that my fear had a lot of evidence behind it and I would have to deal with it. There was never any hope. No one ever tells you how to cope when your fears become a reality (I've tried to find it). It's so devastating, but at least I haven't cried about it. I have this light feeling in my body and my head feels clearer which signals to me that it's true.

I'm so sorry for constantly pestering this forum (I know people just want me to leave.) I don't blame you, I would think the same. 

Edited May 9, 2020 by don't know

[Sputnik]

Hi there @don't know - sorry to hear you're still struggling so much. Not sure what to say that would be any different from what's already been said, other than share this quote from Pema Chödrön that I sometimes find comforting when times are tough

[don't know]

Hi Sputnik, hope everything is okay with you. I appreciate that you added that quote in, that was really kind of you.

I've just given up, life is **** and there's nothing good about it, especially when my worst fear has been confirmed. I've had so many setbacks and with all of this, it's too much. I don't care to deal with it anymore. I feel as though I've just always denied this part of myself. It really has chipped away at me until I say 'fine, that's who I am.' I then feel calm and then no thoughts or anxiety (if I feel anxious - which I doubt I do). I still get these intense arousals because that's who I am. Am I devastated by this? Yes, or maybe I'm not and I'm just pretending so I can be further in denial. I don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm wrong about everything and it gets frustrating after a while.The majority of people don't get this, they can live ordinary lives and know that they aren't a deviant - no doubts whatsoever.

I guess my question is how do I cope when my worst fear has been confirmed? Has anyone's OCD (or fear) came true (and how have you dealt with it)? Again I'm sorry for posting, I know people hate it when I post and wish I would go away and I don't blame you.

Edited May 22, 2020 by don't know

[PolarBear]

Still posting the same old stuff years later. Still stuck in the same place. Still thinking the same old way. Still saying the same old things.

How's that working for you? Are you sick of it yet? Or are you going to keep going the same way for a few more years?

[don't know]

Hi, sorry I hadn't replied.

Yeah, still posting the same old stuff because nothing has changed. Just accepted it because nothing can convince me that this isn't true. You've heard it all before. But what am I supposed to do? Cry about it, deny it? There's no use in that. There's a reason why I'm having these thoughts, arousals etc. There's a reason why every time I admit that all these things are true I feel calmer. The point is just because I feared it so much didn't make it untrue, even if this was OCD (which I highly doubt). It doesn't mean its not true. The likely outcome was that it was all true and that I was in such deep denial about it all, it sucks but its true . If I'm honest, I'm not surprised. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by don't know