I got married!

[constantworrier1989]

Hey everyone, I wanted to give an update and thank you for helping me before my wedding. I continued to have some anxiety in the days before, but I managed through and we had a great wedding day! thank everyone who responded to my previous post - I was in a bad place and it helped me feel better.

now though, I’m still having anxiety. And intrusive thoughts. But are they? Sometimes I have the thoughts and don’t have that much anxiety. Then I have anxiety about not having anxiety. I kind of just have a sense of dread too. 
 

shouldn’t my post wedding feelings be just insanely happy? I realize that’s not realistic but I don’t know. I also know I’m CONSTANTLY monitoring my feelings and whether or not I feel annoyed when he touches me. I also keep bringing up memories of the wedding etc to see how I’m feeling. And assessing how I feel in and about the relationship. 

 

I have my first counselor appointment tomorrow and I’m really scared. What if she tells me all these thoughts mean I don’t love him and this has been a mistake? What if she tells me the fact that I feel fake sometimes when I say I love him means I am fake? 

[dksea]

First off, congratulations!  I am very happy for you and I'm glad you were able to enjoy the wedding day!
 

5 hours ago, constantworrier1989 said:

now though, I’m still having anxiety. And intrusive thoughts. But are they? Sometimes I have the thoughts and don’t have that much anxiety. Then I have anxiety about not having anxiety. I kind of just have a sense of dread too. 

While anxiety is often the word used for OCD, a better word might be distress. That distress can take many forms, including anxiety, but also doubt, guilt, dread, etc.
Its also common to have anxiety about not having anxiety!  Not feeling anxiety about the thought is a normal part of the recovery process.  We want the thought to become boring/dull/unimportant, not to never happen (though it will happen less as it becomes less important).
 

5 hours ago, constantworrier1989 said:

shouldn’t my post wedding feelings be just insanely happy? I realize that’s not realistic but I don’t know. I also know I’m CONSTANTLY monitoring my feelings and whether or not I feel annoyed when he touches me. I also keep bringing up memories of the wedding etc to see how I’m feeling. And assessing how I feel in and about the relationship. 

Your feelings should be what you feel, they shouldn't have to always be one way or the other.  Yes its stereotypical to portray these types of events as all happy and joyful (just look at the movies) but our lives aren't movies.  Sometimes we feel great joy, sometimes we feel boredom, some times we feel sadness, sometimes we feel anger.  All of which are normal and ok.  One way to ensure you probably won't feel a lot of joy is to constantly monitor your feelings and check whether you feel joy or not.  Plus the other compulsions like rumination over the wedding, and checking whether he annoys you when he touches you.  Your wedding doesn't have to/didn't have to be the happiest most perfect day of your life for you to have a good marriage.  You can be annoyed at times with your spouse and still love him.  You can want him to touch you sometimes and not touch you at other times and still love him.  OCD sets up impossible standards.  You don't have to meet them.
 

5 hours ago, constantworrier1989 said:

I have my first counselor appointment tomorrow and I’m really scared. What if she tells me all these thoughts mean I don’t love him and this has been a mistake? What if she tells me the fact that I feel fake sometimes when I say I love him means I am fake? 

Its understandable and normal to feel anxious.  Try not to worry about it too much (hahahaha, I know I know).  What if she tells you none of those things?  What if she tells you you are secretly a serial killer?  What if she is a serial killer?  There are an infinite number of what ifs, some more ridiculous than others (what if she is really a space alien...).  If bad things happen, you will deal with them as best you can.  But just because something CAN happen, doesn't mean its likely to happen or will happen.  You could spend every second of your life worrying about "what ifs..." and it won't make things any better.  The future isn't guaranteed.  None of us can tell you exactly what will or won't happen.  You just have to live it as best you can and see where it goes.  There WILL be bad times, and there WILL be good times.  As they say, IF something bad comes up you can cross that bridge when you come to it.  Try not to let OCD bully you into thinking you have to solve all these problems (which may not even be problems) before you can live your life.  You totally can.  You don't need to be 100% certain (which is good, because its impossible).

[Closed for repairs]

So glad the wedding went well, I suspect that more people than just you were worried about it, lol.

13 hours ago, dksea said:

OCD sets up impossible standards.  You don't have to meet them.

This.

Life's going to have ups and downs.

You just have to keep on keeping on!